I Make Poor Decisions
God has brought me through so much in my life. Being molested for 12 years, finally being able to tell my parents what that put me through, and trying to get my life back. Being able to let go of the people that hurt me, letting go of my boyfriend in jail and just trying to live my life to the fullest.
I know that God has forgiven me for all of my sins, but sometimes it's just hard to forgive myself. The demons that I fight with on a daily basis are sexual. I try not to put myself in positions where I can end up making a mistake that I regret, but my flesh gets in the way and I end up making a bad decision and then beating myself up for it constantly, over and over again.
There is this boy that I really liked for a long time. He lived across the street from me and I've just always been head over heels for him, but it seemed like he never liked me at all. Sometimes it would seem like he did but then out of nowhere he would be so mean to me for no reason or ask me about one of my friends or cousins. It used to hurt my feelings but I still tried. This went on for basically 5 years...
When I have feelings for someone I just want to express it. So we had many chances to do things but I never really did. But recently, about a week ago, I went to his house. I wanted some type of attention so I played with him and teased him a little and things went waay further than i'd intended. And afterwards I just felt really nasty and really used and just like a *****. I mean, we didn't have any type of sex but what we did was close. I should have just never went to his house. I felt really degraded and just like a piece of meat afterwards, because that's how I presented myself and that's how he treated me. I feel vulnerable and stupid and just exposed because I wasn't even comfortable doing the things he coaxed me into letting him do, and things he coaxed me into doing. Like at first we were just kissing or whatever and then he tried to go down my shirt and i kept saying stop but... he wouldn't and then after a few minutes i didn't want to say stop anymore so i didn't. then he tried to lick it and i said STOP, still he wouldn't listen so i let him. Then he told me to do it. I said no a few times but then I did it to get the pressure off of me. Then he told me to "lick around it" and i said no, you lick around it! once again, to get the pressure off of me and so he wouldn't think i was uncomfortable, which i was. :( so then he pulled me on top of him and i was grinding on him cause i didn't want it to look like i didn't know what i was doing or like i was a rookie..even though i didn't want to...but then he got up and bent me over and started grinding on my behind and i'm steady saying no..stop..stop...but i didn't wanna make it a big deal so i just went with it. then he pulled my skirt up, again i said stop but...yeah. while that was going on it kinda made me think about my ex, who i'm still in love with, we used to do it like that every day but he did it harder...so i told him to do it harder! he did, but then that's when i really felt like a *****, i didn't feel passion in those strokes, just force..like he was just trying to get a nut off and that's it. I never felt so degraded in my life, but i know i have no one to blame but myself. My parents are just happy i didn't have sex but i still feel exposed like i did even though i didn't. I still haven't been able to forgive myself of this little eepisode and i don't know why, i just want it out of my head but ever since it happened i've been thinking about it. I don't know what to do. I talked to my mom about it a little but i don't want to tell her the details or what i feel about what happened because i don't want her to look at me as a *****. I pray and read my bible but it only helps for a little while. I just can't forgive myself and forget about it and idk what i'm supposed to do. Help..?
I know that God has forgiven me for all of my sins, but sometimes it's just hard to forgive myself. The demons that I fight with on a daily basis are sexual. I try not to put myself in positions where I can end up making a mistake that I regret, but my flesh gets in the way and I end up making a bad decision and then beating myself up for it constantly, over and over again.
There is this boy that I really liked for a long time. He lived across the street from me and I've just always been head over heels for him, but it seemed like he never liked me at all. Sometimes it would seem like he did but then out of nowhere he would be so mean to me for no reason or ask me about one of my friends or cousins. It used to hurt my feelings but I still tried. This went on for basically 5 years...
When I have feelings for someone I just want to express it. So we had many chances to do things but I never really did. But recently, about a week ago, I went to his house. I wanted some type of attention so I played with him and teased him a little and things went waay further than i'd intended. And afterwards I just felt really nasty and really used and just like a *****. I mean, we didn't have any type of sex but what we did was close. I should have just never went to his house. I felt really degraded and just like a piece of meat afterwards, because that's how I presented myself and that's how he treated me. I feel vulnerable and stupid and just exposed because I wasn't even comfortable doing the things he coaxed me into letting him do, and things he coaxed me into doing. Like at first we were just kissing or whatever and then he tried to go down my shirt and i kept saying stop but... he wouldn't and then after a few minutes i didn't want to say stop anymore so i didn't. then he tried to lick it and i said STOP, still he wouldn't listen so i let him. Then he told me to do it. I said no a few times but then I did it to get the pressure off of me. Then he told me to "lick around it" and i said no, you lick around it! once again, to get the pressure off of me and so he wouldn't think i was uncomfortable, which i was. :( so then he pulled me on top of him and i was grinding on him cause i didn't want it to look like i didn't know what i was doing or like i was a rookie..even though i didn't want to...but then he got up and bent me over and started grinding on my behind and i'm steady saying no..stop..stop...but i didn't wanna make it a big deal so i just went with it. then he pulled my skirt up, again i said stop but...yeah. while that was going on it kinda made me think about my ex, who i'm still in love with, we used to do it like that every day but he did it harder...so i told him to do it harder! he did, but then that's when i really felt like a *****, i didn't feel passion in those strokes, just force..like he was just trying to get a nut off and that's it. I never felt so degraded in my life, but i know i have no one to blame but myself. My parents are just happy i didn't have sex but i still feel exposed like i did even though i didn't. I still haven't been able to forgive myself of this little eepisode and i don't know why, i just want it out of my head but ever since it happened i've been thinking about it. I don't know what to do. I talked to my mom about it a little but i don't want to tell her the details or what i feel about what happened because i don't want her to look at me as a *****. I pray and read my bible but it only helps for a little while. I just can't forgive myself and forget about it and idk what i'm supposed to do. Help..?
Age:
18-21
,
Female
