How It All Started - I Think

I had an abusive mother who shape shifted reality at her discretion. You had to take her lead, you had to figure out where she was - or the repercussions were swift and pretty severe.

You could not win, you had no voice . . . so . . . I would retreat to my bedroom and tell her what I wanted to say and could not. I did, indeed, rock back and forth as I spoke.

Gradually, over many years, this behavior grew in quantity and quality. It was not limited to situations in which I had no voice . . it was used to spice up a fairly mundane life, it developed intricate dialogue with me and another (usually out loud). The fantasies seem to be directed toward creating a personna more interesting than I am. This is not self-depreciation ---NO ONE could accomplish all the things that I fantasize myself having done.

I used to compulsively lie . . . telling all these fantasies as if they actually happened. I never did really believe they were true but somehow I pushed this reality to the back of my brain.

The fantasies take my "present" from me. I can not take a walk without dialogue from a fantasy taking over. I want it to stop. I'm glad there is a phrase for what I have - that is NOT schizophrenia.

First . . I'll try meditation.
kelmccart kelmccart
3 Responses Dec 14, 2012

I am right there with you. I couldn't win either with those folks God placed me with. I remember being very small and daydreaming that I was in a prison being punished for unseen sins. The challenge was for me to figure out what the sins were.

Abuse is a common thing with people like us but no everyone who has this has been abused which makes it harder to pinpoint what it could be. i think its 1 of 3 things.

1) hereditary
2) trauma of some sort
3) environment favorable to produce a coping mechanism

Seems like everybody whose tried to get help for this was pointed at with schizophrenia. That seems to be common. You are right. it is not schizophrenia.

Wow even at this age you have not been able to find a solution. I am about to turn 18 this year and my story about my MD is still in drafts. I would publish it soon I ll be glad if you all will comment your views.