It's not that I'm socially inadequate. I just don't fit in, I muttered to myself, pushing away the lingering feeling of loneliness. I felt that often then, and still do now.

A misfit. An enigma. I read about the definitions of these words, and reluctantly placed them alongside my list-of-words-that-described-me.

I remember how, in Jr. High, my teacher was asking the class how we felt about women's rights. "Don't you care," her voice reverberated around the classroom, "about this?"

Alecia, beautiful, kind, smart, and stylish, shrugged her tanned shoulders. "Well I don't care...What does it have to do with me?" The other girls nodded their agreement in their silence, perhaps still wanting to chatter about how *fillintheblank's* date went last night, or about how cute *fillintheblank's* shoes looked today. They were the most popular girls in school, joining afterschool sports, setting the latest trends, holding sleepovers, and always, always standing in the way of my locker as if I didn't exist. Everyone seemed to know them, no one could miss noticing them.

And it was here that I all too visibly noticed the drift in between us. I sat near the back of the class, on the other side of the room. My hands neatly folded into themselves, my white blouse without a speck of dirt, and my feminist viewpoints tucked away into the innermost corners of my mind. I just didn't fit in here.

And as life would have it, I would never fit in. Anywhere.

Silence answered my questions. The sounds of my footsteps echoing around me would be the music to my path; a path perhaps unoften tread upon, for no one could ever seem to understand me, for all of my contradictions; for all that I was worth. I do not know if it was a matter of circumstance that I am this way, or if it was because I chose to be this way that makes me different, but I can say this:

If I cannot find a path, I will pave one.

For those who so lovingly imprinted into me a piece of their world and their dreams, I will stay true to myself; my values. With or without you, I will march to the beat of a different drum if I have to. Oh yes I will, and I dare.

xHanako xHanako
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 18, 2009

I love this... I could have written this.... good to know I am not on my own....

good on you just waiting to hear what you are paving with