I Need Somebody, This Is ****

Sitting here wanting to share my story and maybe get some advice as where to go from here, has finally made me realize that I'm now at the end of my rope. I am a 26 year young woman who feels like I'm 50. All because I fell in love with a man that I'm starting to realize, is just using me. He has taken everything I had to offer, and now wants to move on to more exciting things... If that's what we can call it. From being a very strong, confident, nice person who enjoyed life, I am now battleling to get through a day, I'm insecure and bitter most of the time.   This is my story. My husband has been in my life for 6 years now. We have only been married for 10 months. We have two boys.. Ages 1yr 10mnts and the youngest is 5mnts. (both were "accidents", but now I can't imagine my life without them) I have been through a lot with this person. From alcohol, drugs, being verbally abusive, a ex-wife always interfering, a child form his first marriage who is out of control, a twin brother who is a very bad influence... And so on. This all came out to play in about our second year together. But because I loved him I stuck it out. And because he loved me (at the time), he made changes and things finally felt like they were working out. We were happy... We were partners again.   But then, one day, he became restless again. We ended up moving to 4 different cities (far apart from each other) all in one year. Because he just couldn't seem to be happy with any opportunity that was given to him. I found jobs quite easy, but ended up leaving them and new friends I've made behind. I finally refused to move again, been living in this town for almost 2 years now. During this time he left me here, moved about 16hours away from here... Still looking for something "better" for us, he said. He ended up coming back after I found him an high paying job. About a month afterwards, he proposed.   I was happy to get married to him, MOSTLY because I love him, but also because it was the right thing to do for the kids sake. I still felt as in love as ever, but started to notice that he got more and more distant. Our sex life went down the drain, he rejected me over and over no matter what I did. Even on our wedding night... Knowing that we've had all sorts of problems in the past, but our sex life was never one of them. It had always been great. So I stupidly started to investigate. Discovering a horrible truth. ****. For the first couple of months I didn't say a word, it became a silent obsession for me. It drove me crazy, because now I knew what was going on behind closed doors. I felt degraded. And in some way, done in by him. This was not my second marriage like him, it was my first and I felt that I also deserved to know what it felt like to be a newly wed couple. If that makes any sense. It's the most sickening feeling in the world when all of a sudden there's this invisible line between you and the person you love. Eventually, after being rejected one to many times,  after sitting wondering what's happening behind that closed door, I snapped.   I told him that I knew. I was ashamed that I have become a Nancy Drew, and I would never tell him that part. He first denied it all, but later confessed and said it would stop. He wanted to make things right with me.   I think unlike any other problem, THIS has changed me in a way that I would never know or be able to describe. In all the time this was going on, I was researching and researching this **** thing. All I knew was that everybody says it's a guy thing. It's normal. All guys do it.... I got that. But what happens when the man you love and the man who you feel so attracted to, pushes you away, and turns to other woman. Whether virtually or in person. I started trying to improve myself more. I'm now a size 26. My hair is always done, i wake up earlier to get dressed... blah blah blah. I just make sure he sees me always looking my best.   Anyways, I did manage to push those feeling to one side after he apologized. For about two months I had my darling husband back again... Not only in the bedroom, but he was actually participating in our household again, instead of just lying in front of the TV the whole night.   One Sunday, I went to visit my parents with the two boys. I realized I forgot the nappy bag, and quickly rushed home only to walk in on my husband jumping up from the couch, pants around his waste. And there, the dark cloud was back. My mind started analyzing things again. Not long after that day, his obsessions with naked woman became worse than ever before.   Still trying to figure out whether my reaction to this is silly, I went to see a marriage counsellor. He gave me diffent reasons as to why people get addicted to this sort of thing or why they turn to it in the first place, but nothing that really helped me. He said i must just be patient and support my husband through this... ???!!!!??? i couldnt imagine how he thought that was possible.   Anyways, skipping a few chapters, everything is now upside down for me. I work full time, i stop after work for whatever is needed, i pick up the kids, cook supper, tidy up, bath them, play with them, put them to sleep and wake up about 5 times a night as neither of them are sleeping through yet. And while i'm doing all that, he wakes up late, leaves work at about 3 everyday (his the boss), lies on the couch being served by me, goes to bed late still watching tv. And then still has the nerve to shout SHUT UP if one of the boys wake him up with their crying.   I dont know. We have our moments, when everything seems normal and he plays with the boys and in some way acts like a father and husband.   But underneath it all there is sooo much damage which he is not willing to discuss. He's says i'm the one with the problem, i should sort it out with myself.   We had the worst fights last week. Because he now wants to go away for the weekend alone.... or just without me. he said he'll just go visit his family, but when i told him that i would like to go with so the kids can also meet them (cause the never have), he said to me he doesnt want to take me along... there's no space for me. and that it's HIS family and i shouldnt be bothered with them or think that i'm apart of that.   ???????????? I dont really know why i do this to myself. He gets really mean and nasty towards me, saying anything that will hurt me. In this particular fight, he said he is going and when he's back we should sit down and discuss divorce because he doesnt think this will work out anymore.   Later he came to apologise, and said he didnt mean what he had said... it was only out of anger.   He ended up not going but said he will go next weekend. Im just scared, because i know at some point he should be getting bored with just looking a fake woman spreading their legs. How long untill he goes to find the real thing???   I went to see a divorce lawyer. I havent told my husband. I dont want to use it as a threat. I just wanted to know my rights concerning my kids for when i eventually find the guts to stand up to him.   The worst is that now, he is acting like nothing has happened. Like he didnt say all sorts of hurtfull things, like he never replaced me with some cheap *****. He wants us to go back to normal and still feel that im insecure which is why IM the one causing our problems. I dont think its fair, but he refuses to even speak about what we can do to fix things. I'm yet to find out whether he has stopped that nonsense for real.   I have been NOTHING but good to this man. But he has taken advantage of me. and made me a door mat.   I want to hate him. I want to find him disgusting. But I cant. I guess that clasifies me as little crazy... and a pathetic excuse of a woman. Knowing what i know, feeling what i feel every single second is torture, but i should've listened to my head and not my heart. i should not keep complaining. i should not keep praying for God to help me out of this when i never leave when the opportunity comes up. I know the time for talking about it is over, but some days i think about these nice things that i want to say to him hoping he'll realize that i'm special and worth something, and that maybe it would mean something to him knowing my heart beats for him everyday.... but it doesnt. It doesnt matter what i do or where i am. he doesnt even notice.   Anyways, i feel really silly. And im scared to post this entry, maybe you guys will also agree with him that I'm just a crazy person feeling sorry for myself.
SadeX SadeX
26-30, F
Feb 10, 2010