Learning That My Wife Is Bisexual.

Well i have a confession to make. I have been peeking into my wifes personal life, without her ok. I know this is wrong, but i have had a feeling for some time that she keeps herself from me on a certain level. I have no dout that she loves me and our family, but have always had the feeling that she doesnt desire me on that deep sexual though process that i do her. So now that i have told you why i was peeking and tried to justify it...on to the story.

Looking through a posting she made, she states that she is bisexual and has a need to explore her sexual desires with a woman. She does not want to tell me (her husband) because she is afraid of hurting me or our family.

Early in our relationship she did tell me that she had one experience when she was younger with a woman, but that wasn't a lifestyle she wanted. She has always been one of those people that wants me to be open with her about how i feel and yet she doesn't do the same in return. I don't know that i would really have a problem with her being bisexual, if she would just be open and hounest about it. From what i have read with other husbands dealing with this is that it can work and be great, but there needs to be that truth and comunication.

I don't want to have to bring this up to her, and i probably wont. I want her to come to me and talk with me about it. That way we can deal with it together. If she loves me as she states and this is just a sexual desire that she needs to explore, i don't think i would have a problem with it... maybe she would even like me involved if no boundaries where crossed.

FYI- I do love my wife with all my heart and hope this does not ruin what we have togeather. But i want her to feel happy in life with me and her feelings.
NauticalStar NauticalStar
36-40, M
8 Responses Aug 6, 2010

I think the best advise you have gotten here is from Turnkey1. You do need to start the conversation but not by saying you were snooping. That would put a negative spin on the whole conversation. I am a bisexual female who just recently came out to my husband whom I love with all my heart. I have never stepped out on him and never would. I made a decision to have a monogamous life with 1 person and I stand by those vows no matter what biology has in store for me. Your wife is very lucky to have someone who is supportive of her. It is very difficult to come out and puts a lot of stress on the relationship. Good luck to you both. I truly hope you can work through it.

I'm in the same situation as the original poster - but at least my wife me. We were drinking (as suggested in one reply above) and she made a very casual remark about how she fantasized about being with a woman. She's going thru a mid-life crisis thing of her own - not really call it a crisis but she's working out, lifting weights, running marathons, looking incredible. So I think it all jelled and finally she was able to open up. <br />
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I also agree with ZSU324 - I think she's going to be on the hunt for ***** from now on. She's constantly on bi-sexual forums, chatting, sharing pictures. I can handle the whole thing, but my kids are already in college. If they were younger...wow. <br />
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You have to tell her what you know. Start the discussion. But the trust for you, and for me, is already a long gone thing. I think my life's been a lie until now - but the weird thing is i dont know if i wouldve changed anything if she had come out sooner. <br />
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Also honestly, sex is even greater since then, and the possibilities going forward are interesting. But I will never, ever, feel the same way about her again. And I think any "love" is gone. Lust is there. Desire is there. Friendship. But love requires trust.

Stop being a *****. Your wife would have told someone that made her feel comfortable and secure. You didn't. That's your problem, and you can deal with it accordingly going forward, or you can confirm her suspicions that you wouldn't be able to handle this bit of information about her.

If your wife told you and you still have all these feelings for her (friendship and desire) maybe you can rediscover your love.
She may be relieved now that she is no longer hiding that secret, and trying to make up for lost time. But she may still love you.

NauticalStar, It’s a shame that people use your post to argue back and forth instead of helping you.<br />
First I agree with Sendittome Don’t tell her you have been checking on her. It is all about trust. IT is imperative to open up the commutation about this. When you give her oral sex mention that if you were a girl you could probably do a lot better job because you would know how it feels and what she needs.don’t dwell on it just mention it and let it go unless she offers a comment. If you pay attention when the two of you are around other women you will notice that once in a while she will look at a Girl differently. When she does . mention this person the next time you are between her legs. Say something like “ just imagine that this the cute little blonds tongue that we saw yesterday at the mall. Oh She really likes the taste of your *****. Maybe the best way to open the conversation is when you see her checking someone out is to: Tell her that after she told you about the one experience with a women that you have been watching for years how she looks differently at some women and wondering if there was still a little yearning there. Say that you have noticed it more lately. Let her know that you love her and would support her in her if she wanted to explore this part of her sexuality. She has to know that you are alright with where ever this adventure takes both of you. Keep gently encouraging her to explore and share her feelings with you. In this type of situation TRUST in each other is the most important part of being open about your sexual desires. Keep assuring her that you will not use anything she shares with you against her. <br />
Good luck Turnkey1

I say honesty begets honesty; pore a glass of wine, turn off the TV and say to her, I want us to talk about _______________. It makes me feel ______________. How does it make you feel?

BTW, true bi men are extremely rare. The majority are homosexuals in the closet.

I stand corrected. Not all bi women are like this, only 90%+. This isn't material for making families.

Buddy, I feel sorry for you. Bi women make horrible wives she will always jones for *****. Understand she will cheat and will never be faithful. If you can live a life this go for it, otherwise start unwinding her out of life. You just read how she plans on cheating. Good luck.

It's not cheating if you tell her it's ok. And it's ok.

That's a tuff nut to crack! Bringing it up to her of course. Um... Could you tell her she left the browser on and signed on? Maybe an unclosed chat session? What about renting a DVD that explores FMF? Tell her how hot it would be to see that in real life? Good luck with your quest! Bill in Va.