Still in love with a man who hurts me

Can't believe it's already 4 1/2 years of this. He can be so mean and so sweet. I'm no dummy, I know about the cycle. I believe in separation with the hope of reconciliation but com' on, he's not gonna go to counseling for abuse on his own. Why would he, nothing is ever his fault in his mind. Separation is supposed to create a crisis, somewhere deep inside I just know that he will miss me and want to get help and change to make us work. But then reality hits, I know it won't happen... so then, leaving is very hard cause it would be a final good-bye. But... We never got to have the marriage we dreamed of together! We always talked about having beautiful babies, building a wonderful family, growing old together.  How can I ever let go? Not of what was but of what's supposed to be? How do I let go of him forever when I never fell out of love with him? Oh the heartache..... the deep dark heartache.
catmode catmode
31-35, F
4 Responses Apr 15, 2011

Wow, this is almost identical to how I feel. I've been with my husband for 6 years and we will be married for 4 years in march. I've know him since the 10th grade and he's all I've really known for my adult life. It's so hard to let go because I feel he never have us a real chance. He wants to end the marriage, but he always seems to come back. I find it hard to leave because I'm still in love with him.

My husband was, amongst other things, abusive and controlling. We finally separated in June of this year.I have had a lot of input from Barnados and if it were not for that and my friends I may well have tried to rekindle the relationship. My husband begins a programme for domestic violence perpetrators in a couple of weeks but I have been told that the results are very varied. It may work well but it is more likaly to work to a limited extent or not at all. My husband told me again and again that he would try to change his behaviour but, for whatever reason, he never did. Like you, I miss what we could have been rather than what we were. We did have two children for whom I am eternally grateful, but they have been damaged by our toxic relationship and i hope to God I can undo that damage now. <br />
<br />
I know that it sometimes feels harder to be alone than in an abusive relationship but, as your self-esteem is rebuilt, you will begin to feel differently. We both need to hold on for a better future. I wish you all the best.

I am in the same boat as you except it took me about 16 years to realize it! By then I have a lot of self doubt a 3 children to worry about. I have struggled and been to marriage counsellors etc for past 4 years. It took until 4-6 months ago for my husband to really accept his role intead of blamming me or trying to fix me. Now he is sorry and trying hard, but there is just too much damaged. My father physically abused my mom and I always said I would never tolerate that. I married my dad, except he abused me emotionally- he is a wold in sheep's clothing- outwardly you wouldn't see it- accept 4 years ago a good friend did notice it and told me and the war began- a had a lot of denial, but now I realize he crossed a bottom line I didn't know I had. I am leaving in a few weeks and he is trying everything to get me to stay- I have given him so many chances. I need to be strong- it is very hard.

yes i am in the same boat, it is hard to be strong to leave...better days a head,,, this is just the beginning of a long journey/battle, but we know eventually we will smile and laugh again and wonder why we put up with these *** holes.

I say let me at him. Hunny taze that fuckah better yet ba<x>seball bat.