Where do I start, how do I not blame myself, how did I let things get like this.

We've been together for 8 years (not legally married) and have a six and seven year old. Things were awesome when we started, we were happy. I had my kids back to back and dedicated myself to my home, my kids, to him and to my schooling. I spent the next six years doing everything for everyone and nothing for myself; little by little pulled from my friends and most of my extended family. He never really liked my friends, I thought it was silly that he would think they were a bad influence but was shocked to realize that he was serious. All of my life I have been considered very outgoing, down to earth, extremely outspoken and not someone who could be taken advantage of and as my life has gone on I am ashamed of who I am behind closed doors. I am embarrassed when I feel I need to ask for permission to go somewhere (not directly may but notify at all times; he has not told me to do so but I feel I have to), I feel like a broken record continuously saying "sorry" when I notice that he is upset; if he disrespects me (verbally) on most occasions I remain quiet to prevent any escalation of the situation. I am afraid of what his reaction will be one day (he has never hit me) but he frightens me. I feel as if I leave again I will devastate my children. It's simple to tell someone to leave certain situations but unfortunately easier said than done; this is my reality. My parents, well I've told them in the past before, they love me but prefer to ignore my reality. I do not go to stores on my own (he always goes despite him hating the stores/ mall). I pay for about half of all of the bills at home. If I want to buy clothes or buy anything for myself I feel I have to notify him what I bought and how much it was. It's becoming normal. I have my breaking points and it's when I realize that I have no one to talk to; I'm in a profession where non of my co workers have any idea what I am going through, I always appear happy, always smiling, joking and willing to help anyone in need. I work with S.E.D youth and adults. I can help others, am passionate about my work; but cannot help myself. Instead I choose to cry myself to sleep, lock myself in the bathroom for about ten minutes of privacy just to sit on the floor, he laughs about me and will make jokes with his friends and I act as if I don't hear him. He has no interest in hearing what I have to tell him about my day at work or challenges because what he has to say is more important. If I have a rough day he tells me to get over it and "it's not that bad".

Right now this is my escape writing it out. I have been unable to sleep all night, waiting for it to be time to be able to go back to work. The only positive communication I have at home is with my seven and six year old. I feel alone and worthless.
1forever 1forever
26-30, F
3 Responses Aug 22, 2014

I felt alone and worthless too. I remember laying in bed and wishing I was dead because by me just being there I made life worse for my husband and my daughter. I felt like a bad mom a bad wife a bad friend a bad daughter. I had never experienced that in my life...ever
My husband mostly uses silence and an air of disapproval, ignores me, stonewalls. He sees opportunities and uses them instead of always creating opportunities, which lead to more confusion for me. He Rages if I accuse him of something like the **** I found on my computer. Cut downs and sarcasm are common but not a daily event. He chooses the passive route. Doesn't encourage me or support me. Doesn't call me by a name, doesn't communicate anything, secretive. Doesn't include me in anything. Tells me in certain words that I'm a bad mom, or unstable or irrational. He thinks my feelings are a flaw because I apparently don't use logic. He told me to get help but not to discuss it with him.
I remember one point being afraid to be with my daughter alone. Afraid I wouldn't make the right decisions and hurt her. What the hell? I've loved kids my entire life, got a degree in early childhood development and started working with kids in 9th grade. He had no experience or education on development. None. How did he take my power from me?

People don't get it. In fact, they can unknowingly contribute to the abuse when you try and talk about it. They tell you to just ignore him and go on with your life. They tell you to let it roll. They say things that are meant to be helpful but make you feel worse.
I was afraid to go to therapy because I thought I was severely flawed.

I got my power back. I'm not proud of how I did it but it worked. I saw him mistreat our daughter and that was all it took. I fought fire with fire and over powered him. He uses more silence and started to shower her with affection in front of me and blatantly ignore me. I didn't give a rats *** anymore. I was angry! I bullied him back, then I kicked him out.
If you have any anger...use it. Anger is not bad when it is protecting you.
I'm not saying stoop to his level like I did, because I wish I hadn't. But with anger comes knowledge. With knowledge comes power.
Justified anger is telling you someone treated you wrong. Abusers have unjustified anger and that is totally different.
Push down the shame and let yourself be mad at his mistreating you. Show him you aren't scared. Don't let him push your buttons. Hide it and let it out when he's not around. Be the opposite of vulnerable in front of him. Picture yourself in a bubble and nothing can get in unless you allow it to. Nothing.
A lot of bullies run when someone stands up to them. That's why they always pick vulnerable people or people smaller then them.

Now if violence is something he may do, then just get out and don't listen to me.

My treasured wife of 29 years died 3 weeks ago from terminal pancreatic cancer after a battle against it for over a years Now what has the got to do with me I can see you saying Well it's this Stress CAN bring on the type on the type of illness as my wife had( unless it's hereditary). In my OPINION it's time to pack your bags and with the children move out to another location that your partner knows nothing about

This is awful. Somehow, someway, you have gradually submitted to this guy. You sound beaten down, stuck and what's worse, he knows it, enjoys it even ( 'laughs/jokes').
Being surrounded by dark negativity is a dreadful, burdensome ,place to be. You're hardly worthless, you're raising two children and of value to those you help via your profession. What to do ? I can't see this guy changing, in all probability things may get worse and the more entrenched you become. Living in a toxic, stressful household can be far worse for young children than parents who no longer live in the same house together.
You're young. Think hard about this situation. How long do you want to go on living like this ?