So I Married a Drug Addict

I've always felt that life has a purpose, that people are brought into our lives for a reason, or maybe that I was brought into their lives for a reason. I guess you could call me eternally hopeful.  Over the last few years I've been trying to figure out just what I'm hopeful for. Dont get me wrong. I have plenty in my life that I am greatful for, I'm just trying to figure out why the man I married is a drug addict and why I am still with him.

I met my husband 15 years ago. I was young and dumb, more like naive. I was fresh out of high school, from little town USA. And the closest I got do doing any drug was drinking on the weekends with my friends. When I met my husband he was the proverbial "bad boy". I felt like I had known him my entire life though. I knew all about his drug use during high school, but he had promised he was done with that part of his life, and that was the reason he had moved so far from home.

We dated for nearly 3 years before I learned about his newfound drug habit. At this point I was in love, we were engaged. I just "knew" he would give this all up. After all, that's what he told me. We lived 200 miles away from each other at this point, so all I could do was take his word for it. And being the naive girl I was, I believed him when he told me he would never do it again. Another year went by and we got married, a month later, I found cocaine in his car. Of course he denied it, said it was a friends. I knew better than that. My reason for staying then? I just couldnt be the girl who was married for a month!!! Boy, what pride will allow us to put up with. 

Over the next 10 years that's what we dealt with....drugs, lies, I'm sorry, drugs, lies, I'm sorry. Dont ask me why I've stayed for 10 more years...if I knew I probably wouldnt be writing this. 2 years ago I finally had enough, yes 2 years ago...8 longer than it should have taken me. But there I was still the eternal hopeful.  Hopeful he would change, hopeful he would be who he was (WHATEVER that was), hopeful he would love me enough to get help, hopeful of making this work. 

We had a daughter in 2001 and from that point on he was pretty much absent in both our lives. He continued to use various drugs and by the time my daughter was 2 he was just mean, and hateful with us. A couple times I was pushed around, he would push his weight around and stand over me calling me every name in the book, he threatened my life more than I care to admit. But there I was..ever hopeful? I kept telling myself that I knew he could get better, I just needed to help him more. After all, he told me so many times how it was my fault. If I just didnt nag him, if I just did this or that better, if I lost weight, if I was, I guess, perfect. I guess to some small extent I bought into it.  He knew I wouldnt argue in front of our daughter and he used that to his advantage. I never called him a bad name, I never raised my voice to him. But it got to the point where I couldnt say a single word to him. If I did, he would yell at me. 

My daughter and  I moved out with a friend. I just couldnt do it anymore. I lived with her for 3 months. I missed him, but at the same time I felt relieved. He started going to rehab. I was so proud of him. I was so proud, you guessed it, I moved back home. And here I am. HERE I am.

So the last 2 years, they were bad then good and pretty much back to bad again. He went to rehab for a while. He gave up drugs, drinking, even smoking. Was it too much at once? I guess. I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop since he "got clean". I guess I'm just used to him being a drug addict. Of course he thought/thinks that because he went to rehab, his slate should be wiped clean. I should forgive and forget. For 2 years I've asked him to go to marraige counseling. I knew I needed to go. I knew I needed outside help to let me move past this. He went...ONCE! when I first moved back he tried to get clean on his own, of course that didnt last long. I bought a home drug test and he confessed before he even took it. So I thought, at least we were off to a good start.

He started taking Suboxone to get him off all the narcotics he was taking. I watched him detox, and I didnt feel the slightest bit of sympothy for him. I know it was hard, but in my mind his physical pain would be over with in a couple weeks, my emotional pain..would last a lifetime. So call me cold hearted, I just didnt care. I never said anything about it, in fact I never mentioned it at all. My experience with him in the past was whenever I started to believe him, I found out he was lying to me and I was the one who looked like the idiot. I wasnt about to let myself feel that again. Not anymore....right? NOPE! For a year he was clean. How do I know this, because I believed him. Well, I guess that's what I get for believing him. That's what I get for taking him back and letting my guard down again.

We recently traded cars (I'm driving his, he's driving mine). I had an ashtray full of change and I had promised it to my oldest daughter (yes, we had another child ). I asked him, innocently, where my keys were. Right away I could see the panic in his eyes. Now my husband NEVER stops what he's doing to help me out for anything. That night, he dropped my daughter like a hot potato to "help" me find the keys. Before he started looking he told me he couldnt find them. I could see the adreniline running through him. He was frantic. He was running all around the house, went outside, but I was about a foot behind him. He looked like a trapped animal. That's the only way I can describe it. I guess he thought I would just drop it because he came back inside and calmed down a little...until I said "dont worry about it, I have another set of keys in my purse". The panic resumed!!! He stood back up and was inside, outside, everywhere.  Magically the keys appeared when I caught back up with him and he had already made his way into and back out of the car.

Now, I've done this long enough to know when he's acting strange. And please, if someone thinks I'm taking this out of context let me know. We came in and I handed him a drug test. He looked like a deer in the headlights. Then he said he didnt have to go to the bathroom.  I insisted that he at least give it a try. I had already turned off the water to the bathroom and put food coloring in the toilet. I can just picture his confused little mind trying to figure out how to cheat this test. But there was no way for him to falsify it. So, he just didnt go.

Around 3 am he woke up, I'm sure to use the bathroom. After all, he hadnt gone since at least 5 pm. What a surprise to him when I woke up as well and asked him to fill the cup. Again, he denied himself the urge to go. In the morning before he went to work....there I was with cup in hand. Again, he just didnt seem to have to go. Come on, really? Am I that ignorant? So I confront him in the evening. Still?

Well, he actually had the nerve to tell me that he was innocent and innocent people shouldnt have to be tested. Then proceded to tell me that if he took the drug test I still wouldnt be satisfied and he would just resent me for it!  I didnt talk to him for 3 days and he actually had the nerve to ask me what my problem was. "Are you kidding?" I replied. I knew he knew. So there we were rehashing the whole thing.

I'm done. I cant live like this anymore. I am now "resentful" of him for not taking it. Innocent people do not go above and beyond to avoid proving themselve innocent. Even after they are told they are presumed guilty by not taking the test. He told me that talking to me was a waste of time. so I told him he is a waste of my time. I threw the drug test at him and told him he didnt have to take it and he could just do whatever he wanted at this point.

I've since removed my wedding ring. I feel there is nothing else I can do in this relationship other than end it. I've tried my best, but it wasnt enough. I've tried to stand by him, I've supported him, I've (at times) forgiven him. It just wasnt enough. At this point I am done with him. I resent him, I am repulsed by him,  I feel hate towards him, and he walks around as though nothing happened. I dont have any regards for him or his feelings anymore. After all, he's never regarded mine.

This is my  a nut shell.


hatethebitch hatethebitch
15 Responses Jun 18, 2008

Thank you for sharing with tears in my eyes,I'm not married to my boy friend yet. We knew each other for 22year from high.We dated off and on. He came back in my life November 16,2013 and December 31st my nightmares started.i love him dearly
But his PCP loves him more.Im so loss and torn. By reading this I don't think he will change.

I feel like you were living my life word for word!!! Except I have been doing this for 4 years. I'm still in the middle of the chaos and want out!!! I am terrified he will get any kind of custody of our 15 month old daughter is to why I will not leave him.

This story sounds so much like my life with my husband. I am new to the site, but already feel like I am not alone, even though I am in my little town. Thank you for sharing.,be just written my story. It's time for me to let him go...

At 23 years old, after leaving a horrible physically abusive marriage. <br />
With seriously low self esteem,<br />
I met a man who I thought was my " knight in shinning armor."<br />
We lived together for a year, he bought all new furniture and taught me alot.<br />
He was 10 years older than I. <br />
And I loved his nostolgia. <br />
I loved being in his limelight. <br />
About 6 months after marriage he started doing some crazy, unexplainable things. It took him awhile to admit to me he was using crack cocaine. <br />
I learned right after that, that he was a felon, inprisoned for for a year for cocaine just a year prior to meeting me. <br />
I thought about leaving him. I thought about having the marriage anulled. <br />
I had become comfortable, not working and being able to stay at home with my son from my previous marriage as well as having things I had never been able to have before. ( it wasnt much, but it was more than before and I was grateful). <br />
I decided to help him. Try to make him better. <br />
I too was " the eternal hopeful. "<br />
It didnt work. <br />
He ended up pulling me into his world. <br />
" The old, Cant beat em' join em'. " Yeah.. Right...<br />
And then I found out he had many other addictions. <br />
By then I was too absorbed in addiction myself.<br />
I lived this world, his world for the rest of my adult life and even had two children with this man. <br />
The end of my addiction is when he overdosed on our family vacation in another state, in front of me and our children and grandchild. <br />
He had promissed me he had no drugs prior to leaving our state for vacation. Lies.. For 20 years, lies lies, lies... He lied to me about darn near everything.<br />
He had a *********** addiction ( which he chalked off saying it helped him calm down from the crack high. ) He had an alcohol addiction ( which he also said helped him down from his crack or cocaine high. ) He was addicted to pain killers of various types. Many were powerful drugs. ( Again said it helped him calm down from the crack or cocaine highs. ) He had me calling him off work constantly. He lost a few jobs because of that. But was always able to quickly find another always with good or better pay than before. Everything became an excuse. An excuse to yell at me and the kids, an excuse to get high, an excuse to stay home from work an excuse for hitting me, shoving me or calling me names and thretening my life and his own life as well ( daily ). <br />
I swallowed every excuse and abuse known to man that he dished out. <br />
So much so, I started to believe him. I thought it was all my fault somehow. <br />
He blamed everyone and everything for his problems and addictions.<br />
I was doing everything at home. " EVERYTHING."<br />
My house was as perfect as any drug addicted, abusive ( never letting anyone know ) house could possible be!<br />
Think about that for a minute....<br />
I spent 1 whole year after his overdose getting and finally staying sober. <br />
I had left him a few times before. <br />
Only to have him stop using, pour on the charms and buy the kids and my love. As soon as we returned home, it would start all over again. <br />
* Jekyl and Hyde symdrom *<br />
I knew this time if I left him, it had to be completly. <br />
Completly stay away from him, do not listen to his promisses, excuses and lies. <br />
I surrounded myself with alot of positive people. <br />
I started with AA and worked my way into "Eggshell" meetings about abusive and controlling relationships and marriages ( at a local church that I didnt even attend the church. ) then onto abuse and crisis counselling. <br />
After 3 years of sleeping on the couch, 1 year sobriety, emotionally withdrawn from him and all the abuse, I was able to walk away from a 20 year, drug addicted, abusive, controlling marriage. <br />
I have since been granted a hefty amount of child and spousal support. <br />
I had lived for the majority of the 20 years being told we didnt have any extra money. That was also a lie. <br />
I am not bitter. I dont have any regrets. I am not hateful. I do not hate men.<br />
But, It has not been easy. <br />
I know I make it sound like it was. <br />
Rest assured it has not been easy.<br />
I have never been on my own. Much less with a child.<br />
I dont trust hardly anyone. And I never talk about personal things with anyone other than my counselor or therapist. And it took me awhile to do that.<br />
But I can tell you for a fact it is WAY easier than living with someone like him.<br />
There were so many issues, so much arguing, fighting, drama, chaos and confusion, lies and pian!<br />
All I can say is.. <br />
" I am so much happier in my new life. No drugs, drama, chaos, confusion, pain and no lies."<br />
My son and I no longer walk on eggshells. <br />
We have been gone for a year now.<br />
I have been sober for two years now. <br />
I have made a couple of friends. <br />
I am learning to trust. <br />
I no longer walk on eggshells. <br />
Everything I have is MINE, he cant take it away from me anymore.<br />
I am in counselling weekly.<br />
I am working on my GED. <br />
I am writing a book. <br />
I write poetry and journal for the last three years as part of my own recovery and self therapy. <br />
I havent worked in 24 years. But I am working on that as well. <br />
I am over 45 years old.<br />
No, it has not been easy. <br />
But once again I must say, " Way easier than living the life I had been. " <br />
My son is now making really good grades for the first time. <br />
His attitude ( while with me ) has improved immensely!<br />
Dont let yourself get caught up in all the crap that goes along with addiction.<br />
If you are able to recognize drug abuse, lies and hurt. <br />
You are already knowledgeable enough.<br />
It doesnt just end. <br />
You are not now and will never be tha magical mystery cure.<br />
Listen to me please... If he is lying to you, if you have caught him using drugs or lying, if you know all the signs he is high, if he is hurting you weather it be hitting you, blaming you, calling you names or controlling you by taking away you keys, or your checkbook or money or isolating you from family, friends, LIFE. <br />
GET OUT NOW... <br />
The more you try to FIX him, the worse it will get.<br />
I dont claim to know everything. I dont claim anything but my own story.<br />
I tried to fix my 1st husband who was seriously physically abusive and it didnt work. I'm lucky to be alive from that alone. <br />
I tried for 20 years to fix an abusive, controlling, drug addicted marriage. <br />
Many women writing here seem to have very similar experiences. <br />
Stop ignoring facts. Stop thinking you can change a person. <br />
The only person you can change, help and / or save is YOURSELF. <br />
( and your child or children )<br />
And you should do that NOW. <br />
Stalling, putting off, procrastinating and or contemplating other methods this will only bring you more pain.<br />
The bruises and scrapes and scratces go away my firends.<br />
The emotional damages rarely ever go away.<br />
And if you know what this is doing to you inside, trust me, your child or children are going through a million times worse than you and you dont even know it!<br />
I suggest you start by calling your local abuse, rape and crisis shelter. <br />
They will talk to you till no end. Spill your guts to them. Make sure you are in a safe place and are not being listened in on by children or him.<br />
They will offer some means to help you get out safely. <br />
Once you are out safely, they will set you on a path to standing on your own.<br />
If you have addictions, there are many churches who offer free help. <br />
And you should'nt have to belong or continually go to the chuch unless you want too. <br />
AA is free. <br />
And if you are uncomfortable talking about your problems, SIT AND LISTEN.<br />
I didnt find NA to be of any help for me. But it might help you and it is also FREE.<br />
The stories are amazing ! They are touching and quite powerful.<br />
You might find yourself in one of those stories. <br />
You might find out what is causing you to be in such relationships to begin with. <br />
It might move you into a different way of thinking.<br />
Be positive. <br />
I know it's hard! BUT BE POSITIVE...<br />
Take this negative, horrible thing and MAKE IT POSITIVE.<br />
Take every step you need to go in a better, more right direction. <br />
Ok, you listened to his lies again, you bought into all his charms. <br />
You really think he loves you again. <br />
You might not have succeeded yesterday or today. <br />
Tomorrow is a new day. <br />
Try and try again. <br />
Eventually you will SUCCEED! <br />
Take all legle actions nessessary if needed to protect you and your children. <br />
I have found that people with addictions are quite the charmers. <br />
And they use every trick in the book to suck you back in.<br />
Once back in, you are again, Miserable!!<br />
Dont be a statistic! LEAVE HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL! <br />
And dont look back, ever!<br />
Chin up, one baby step at a time and try to move a little bit foward each day.<br />
Eventually you will look back and say " I did it! " <br />
Legle aid is there to help with divorce and other legle matters. <br />
There are legle advocates who are always in the domestic court buildings early in the mornings around 9:00 am and are always willing to help with protection orders and advice in getting away from an abusive, drug addict. <br />
Dont give up! Dont give in! <br />
Love yourself enough to know you will be fine and you will be a better person once away from all the crap.<br />
I hope this helps someone out there. <br />
And this can be applied to both male and females. <br />
My appologies for just using the female aspect. <br />
Afterall, my story is a womans story, lived and told by me. A woman, A survivor.. <br />
( not always the case, I know. ) <br />

I got married a year ago and come to find that my husband is a crackhead, i am pregnant now 8 1/2 months and he is still getting high he has taken me through hell. what can i do?

Hi all,<br />
<br />
I have a very similar story to the rest of you. Met the guy 5 years ago, and been married a little over 3 now. I've been through the whole cycle of abuses, disrespect, lies, cheats and countless "I'm sorry...."<br />
I've stayed with him because of my love for him, my hope of him getting better and my wishes of a fairytale happy life. <br />
<br />
Last November I've had enough. After manipulating me for so long and creating a guilt on me for ever leaving me, I decided I can't keep living a life of fear, resentment, lack of trust and constantly waiting for the next shoe to drop. I finally had the strength to leave him. <br />
<br />
I'm now staying at a friend's house just waiting for some financial stability to get my own place and get a divorce. My main problem now is that we work together. Yes, we have our own company and the constant talking and meeting with him is messing up my mind and making it really hard to just move on with my life. <br />
<br />
I am NOT going back to him but I wish I had the guts and the same strength that made me leave to be able to stop working with him for good. <br />
<br />
Just wish me good luck!<br />
<br />
Thx all for sharing.

Please take the time to ask what childhood hurts you are not dealing with that allows you to continue to not love yourself more. Your children will feel the effects later. I waited to long and<br />
My husband had a major stroke from drug use. Love your self and know that love is not painful<br />
You can have have a wonderful life, just ask yourself what pain draws you to be abused. Because<br />
Living with a drug addict is self abuse. You have the power to change and have a life for you and your children. You need to love them more than him because he loves the drugs more than you.<br />
Sorry for the truth

wow!! i experienced all this in 4 years, and can relate to everything you have been through, i left my fella though and then for about 2 years we chatted online and kind of forgave him for everything ,... he met up with a girl in a mental institution got engaged to her and fathered a little baby to her.... he seem okay although i never saw him again face to face.....he was also in and out of jail all the time, he ended up getting out of jail again for home release in feb this year and died on the 17th of feb by shooting up a morphine patch he stole off his dying mum!!!!... he was addicted to anything he could get his hands on speed and heroine , so hes at peace now he was 37. u see i didnt know he was a junkie, he was so sweet... i was 39 he was 32......i knew he was a bad boy in and out of jail all the time,.. i think i was bored !! he was exciting... he introduced me to drugs...the needle... i used for ten months with him before we broke up ...again..... and again... he was my drug boyfriend i love the stuff, i never had anything like it before in my see him and think wow party!!! but it wasnt at all... he kidnapped me in a hirecar he managed to steal for 21 terrifying days... i had no contact with my 4 kids or mum they reported me as a missing person... he terrorised me for the whole time,... then he overdosed on the H and nearlly died in a camper caravan park in byron bay, i was fried on the stuff too first and last time on that i was scared, im a nursing assisstant and my skills kept him alive that day for 13 long hrs before i managed to get myself together and get him to the local hospital, this is where the told me i saved his life...... that day was a long time ago now and i have not touched anything since... so as it turns out i wasnt addicted to drugs i was addicted to my druggie boyfriend. i dont even crave it or nothing.. but i knew i was just doing it to make him happy i he is at peace and cannot hurt himself anymore, he was a georgous man when he was straight.... but im happy now and my family have let me back into their lives and as much as they hated him for what he put me through they wanted to attend his funeral with me... but i couldnt go so none of us did... it was nice of them to do that hey,............. now im with a great guy who i helped clean up off the speed when i was with the other druggie boyfriend (he actually helped jeff get off it too) he stayed with us for 2 weeks then went to rehab for 4 mths somewhere i dont even now.... i lost him for 2 years... couldnt find him..(i knew jeff since he was a kid he was mates with my younger brother) so this is why i had a soft spot for him and worriedabout him,... then one day outa the blue he added me on facebook !!! looking for me!!!!! i couldnt believe it. so we met up and now we are inlove and engaed to get married later this year in october ...Jeff hasnt used since he was with us.. thats 3 years ... i am so proud of him and he tells me he still thinks about it at least once a day, that worries me a bit but, he says as quick as the thort comes it goes away... and im his drug of choice.. we drink mid strenth beer on the weekends and he has a cone of pot sometimes if we are with friends,... but it goes to show that people can change hey, and i really feel like someone is looking after us 2 to get us together, and we are so happy .... and strong.... anyone want to chat with me just comment or send me a message.... id love to help ... deb

Hmmm....<BR><BR>I stayed with my husband for 20 years and took his abuse. I tried to get out but found that he was somehow connected to the police and the records of his behavior had magically disappeared. <BR><BR>So....I stayed because I couldn't let him have our son. It wasn't just about me.<BR><BR>But, I stayed too long. There are only two things you can do in a relationship with an addict. You can join them in their cowardly path of distruction. Or, you can withdraw. And....if you can't withdraw do so emotionally.<BR><BR>I had no idea how isolated and withdrawn I had become until my husband died. He had been abusive that night. My son was away at college and so I didn't worry about him. I would just stay out of my husband's way...praying he would calm down or pass out and leave me alone. So....I would not reply when he called me fat....berated me for putting stir fry sauce on my vegetables...telling me I needed to go to the Doctor...saying he said these things because he cared about me....and hoping it would end.<BR><BR> did end that night. I would be passing by the bedroom now and then to check to see if he had calmed down. On one of those passes, his body looked out of place. When I went back to check on him, there was no pulse, no breath, and his lips were blue. The medics managed to get his heart beating but he never regained brain functions. I went into histerics....not out of shock so much because it was something I knew was inevitable. He had done the same thing 6 months earlier....only that time my son was able to hear him fall in the kitchen and got help in time. My husband lied to the Doctors....asked me and my son to provide urine to cover for him.....all the while denying there was anything wrong or out of control.<BR><BR>He left debts....but my assets were separate so I only had to cover the cost of the funeral. His insurance had been cashed in. He was out of work having been fired for sexual harrassment, calling someone the "N" word at work, sniffing whipped cream, suspicion of dealing drugs at work...(this is when I think he became an informant).<BR><BR>As I write this, I realize I sound like all of you and you must wonder why I didn't walk away. Well.....that is the question we should focus on. What is it about us that is attracted to these men? Could it be that we realize that drugs are bad.....but....we crave escape from the drugery we find our lives to be? So....we try to take a free ride on the happy moods of an addict.....but only later find that it isn't so free?<BR><BR>I don't know why God chose to save me. But, in my new solitude I am realizing how chaotic and fearful my life had become. <BR><BR>In less than a month, I broke my ankle. As I lay in that warm morphine haze, I realized what the attraction to these drugs was. If I was dying of cancer, that's the way I would like to check out. But, it is definitely checking is definitely withdrawing. And, it takes a lot of time to sober up and regain consciousness. I wasn't back to normal for days. (Did I mention that I stopped drinking and smoking on Chrismas? Without the stress of my husband, I didn't need to withdraw.)<BR><BR>Yes, there was something I truly enjoyed about my the attraction to Jason Stackhouse on True Blood.....but....they are an expensive addiction that can kill you and more importantly bring you down so much you won't be able to take care of your children.<BR><BR>So....what am I saying? <BR><BR>If you possibly can..... LEAVE.....your husband is perhaps your addiction and if you are going to be able to fulfill your commitment to your owe it to them to not withdraw to that hazy world of chaos the drug addict inflicts on those around him.<BR><BR>You either join him or leave him. And, if you don't leave him physically, your withdrawal can severely hurt those who depend on you....your children.<BR><BR>Thanks for sharing.

My husband is addicted to oxycotton. He has been for 7 years. When I married him he was smoking pot and occasionally he did a pain killer. He told me he stopped and now claims he did for 9 months. But I have been married to him for 11 years. So what about the rest of the time....his is still lieing. <br />
<br />
I never knew he was still doing drugs. I was in the ultimate denial and he is the ultimate liar. He told me he had diabetes and was passing out from high sugar and stashing the drugs at his moms. He went to church every sunday but had to run home a couple blocks every week because his stomach hurt. <br />
<br />
I was awoken one night by him saying that he was going through DT's because the doctor had cut him off his medication and that he was a addict and going to rehab. <br />
<br />
Please anyone help. I am filing for divorce today because of all the lieing. I don't even know what is true. Am I that stupid......

Like you, I tried to be the eternal optimist with my husband. I saw the person he was capable of being, the man hidden behind the addictions. I believed in my heart that he could battle those demons and come out on the other side the man that I saw him becoming. But, the problem comes when they have no real desire to battle those demons. Like you, I have fought numerous battles involving the "guilty" and "innocent" terms and how he shouldn't have to "prove anything". do. Once he proved himself a liar, he set himself up to have to prove things time and time again. I know how hard it is to leave and I applaud you for doing it. I haven't been married to my husband as long as you have yours and I thank God every day that we don't have any children. But, I do know the pain associated with finally giving up and realizing there's nothing more you can do. The pain in coming to understand you will never come before the drugs...

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I am engaged to a man who has suffered from addiction to vicodin and soma and deep in my heart I have known that I shouldn't go through with marrying him. I am an eternal optimist, similar to you all it seems, and find it so difficult to walk away when I know he has such a good heart. I am a strong woman and don't put up with much from him, but to anyone looking in on the situation, I put up with far more than I should. I never thought I would be capable of being with someone so toxic and defending him to myself and to others. I always thought people like that were pathetic. Now I understand how easily it happens and how hard it is to leave. Thank you so much for your stories because they show me that he will not change and that I NEED to get out of this now, while I can... and before he causes any more damage to my life than he already has.

I'm so glad that I found this website. You sound exactly like me as far as how you've responded to your husband's addiction. However, I've only been with him for three years (married one year). We just had a baby boy three months ago and I thought if anything that the baby would change him. I was wrong and now I'm focusing on myself and my children (I have an older daughter from a previous marriage). I was single for eight years before I met him as I did not want to marry the wrong man again. Well, I feel like an idot as I knew he had an addiction but he had gone through a 30 day rehab and stayed clean for 8 months. He's addicted to vicodin and coke. The vicodin is daily, the coke comes in binges and causes financial strain on us when he does it. I feel the same as you - I resent him, I'm repulsed by him, I hate him. I have a one year plan to get financially independent and leave this marriage behind. The only thing I fear is that he will try to attempt suicide again when I tell him I'm done. How do you deal with them begging to stay when you're finished? That is what I really dread dealing with when the time comes. Do you wish you would've have cut ties with him sooner? Am I throwing in the towel too soon? I just feel like this cycle will continue forever.

Your story is similar to mine only I haven't been able to leave him. I don't know what it will take to drive me out. I just finished treatment for breast cancer. I'm not strong enough to start over but I know that I should for myself and for my daughter. I just don't know what to do and feel very hopeless. All of my family and friends say that I should have expected this as he was fresh out of rehab when I met him but, of course, I thought he would grow up and out of this "stage'. No such luck. Thanks for letting me vent.