So I Married a Drug Addict
I've always felt that life has a purpose, that people are brought into our lives for a reason, or maybe that I was brought into their lives for a reason. I guess you could call me eternally hopeful. Over the last few years I've been trying to figure out just what I'm hopeful for. Dont get me wrong. I have plenty in my life that I am greatful for, I'm just trying to figure out why the man I married is a drug addict and why I am still with him.
I met my husband 15 years ago. I was young and dumb, more like naive. I was fresh out of high school, from little town USA. And the closest I got do doing any drug was drinking on the weekends with my friends. When I met my husband he was the proverbial "bad boy". I felt like I had known him my entire life though. I knew all about his drug use during high school, but he had promised he was done with that part of his life, and that was the reason he had moved so far from home.
We dated for nearly 3 years before I learned about his newfound drug habit. At this point I was in love, we were engaged. I just "knew" he would give this all up. After all, that's what he told me. We lived 200 miles away from each other at this point, so all I could do was take his word for it. And being the naive girl I was, I believed him when he told me he would never do it again. Another year went by and we got married, a month later, I found cocaine in his car. Of course he denied it, said it was a friends. I knew better than that. My reason for staying then? I just couldnt be the girl who was married for a month!!! Boy, what pride will allow us to put up with.
Over the next 10 years that's what we dealt with....drugs, lies, I'm sorry, drugs, lies, I'm sorry. Dont ask me why I've stayed for 10 more years...if I knew I probably wouldnt be writing this. 2 years ago I finally had enough, yes 2 years ago...8 longer than it should have taken me. But there I was still the eternal hopeful. Hopeful he would change, hopeful he would be who he was (WHATEVER that was), hopeful he would love me enough to get help, hopeful of making this work.
We had a daughter in 2001 and from that point on he was pretty much absent in both our lives. He continued to use various drugs and by the time my daughter was 2 he was just mean, and hateful with us. A couple times I was pushed around, he would push his weight around and stand over me calling me every name in the book, he threatened my life more than I care to admit. But there I was..ever hopeful? I kept telling myself that I knew he could get better, I just needed to help him more. After all, he told me so many times how it was my fault. If I just didnt nag him, if I just did this or that better, if I lost weight, if I was, I guess, perfect. I guess to some small extent I bought into it. He knew I wouldnt argue in front of our daughter and he used that to his advantage. I never called him a bad name, I never raised my voice to him. But it got to the point where I couldnt say a single word to him. If I did, he would yell at me.
My daughter and I moved out with a friend. I just couldnt do it anymore. I lived with her for 3 months. I missed him, but at the same time I felt relieved. He started going to rehab. I was so proud of him. I was so proud, you guessed it, I moved back home. And here I am. HERE I am.
So the last 2 years, they were bad then good and pretty much back to bad again. He went to rehab for a while. He gave up drugs, drinking, even smoking. Was it too much at once? I guess. I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop since he "got clean". I guess I'm just used to him being a drug addict. Of course he thought/thinks that because he went to rehab, his slate should be wiped clean. I should forgive and forget. For 2 years I've asked him to go to marraige counseling. I knew I needed to go. I knew I needed outside help to let me move past this. He went...ONCE! when I first moved back he tried to get clean on his own, of course that didnt last long. I bought a home drug test and he confessed before he even took it. So I thought, at least we were off to a good start.
He started taking Suboxone to get him off all the narcotics he was taking. I watched him detox, and I didnt feel the slightest bit of sympothy for him. I know it was hard, but in my mind his physical pain would be over with in a couple weeks, my emotional pain..would last a lifetime. So call me cold hearted, I just didnt care. I never said anything about it, in fact I never mentioned it at all. My experience with him in the past was whenever I started to believe him, I found out he was lying to me and I was the one who looked like the idiot. I wasnt about to let myself feel that again. Not anymore....right? NOPE! For a year he was clean. How do I know this, because I believed him. Well, I guess that's what I get for believing him. That's what I get for taking him back and letting my guard down again.
We recently traded cars (I'm driving his, he's driving mine). I had an ashtray full of change and I had promised it to my oldest daughter (yes, we had another child ). I asked him, innocently, where my keys were. Right away I could see the panic in his eyes. Now my husband NEVER stops what he's doing to help me out for anything. That night, he dropped my daughter like a hot potato to "help" me find the keys. Before he started looking he told me he couldnt find them. I could see the adreniline running through him. He was frantic. He was running all around the house, went outside, but I was about a foot behind him. He looked like a trapped animal. That's the only way I can describe it. I guess he thought I would just drop it because he came back inside and calmed down a little...until I said "dont worry about it, I have another set of keys in my purse". The panic resumed!!! He stood back up and was inside, outside, everywhere. Magically the keys appeared when I caught back up with him and he had already made his way into and back out of the car.
Now, I've done this long enough to know when he's acting strange. And please, if someone thinks I'm taking this out of context let me know. We came in and I handed him a drug test. He looked like a deer in the headlights. Then he said he didnt have to go to the bathroom. I insisted that he at least give it a try. I had already turned off the water to the bathroom and put food coloring in the toilet. I can just picture his confused little mind trying to figure out how to cheat this test. But there was no way for him to falsify it. So, he just didnt go.
Around 3 am he woke up, I'm sure to use the bathroom. After all, he hadnt gone since at least 5 pm. What a surprise to him when I woke up as well and asked him to fill the cup. Again, he denied himself the urge to go. In the morning before he went to work....there I was with cup in hand. Again, he just didnt seem to have to go. Come on, really? Am I that ignorant? So I confront him in the evening. Still?
Well, he actually had the nerve to tell me that he was innocent and innocent people shouldnt have to be tested. Then proceded to tell me that if he took the drug test I still wouldnt be satisfied and he would just resent me for it! I didnt talk to him for 3 days and he actually had the nerve to ask me what my problem was. "Are you kidding?" I replied. I knew he knew. So there we were rehashing the whole thing.
I'm done. I cant live like this anymore. I am now "resentful" of him for not taking it. Innocent people do not go above and beyond to avoid proving themselve innocent. Even after they are told they are presumed guilty by not taking the test. He told me that talking to me was a waste of time. so I told him he is a waste of my time. I threw the drug test at him and told him he didnt have to take it and he could just do whatever he wanted at this point.
I've since removed my wedding ring. I feel there is nothing else I can do in this relationship other than end it. I've tried my best, but it wasnt enough. I've tried to stand by him, I've supported him, I've (at times) forgiven him. It just wasnt enough. At this point I am done with him. I resent him, I am repulsed by him, I feel hate towards him, and he walks around as though nothing happened. I dont have any regards for him or his feelings anymore. After all, he's never regarded mine.
This is my story...in a nut shell.