Snowed

I am writing my story in the hopes of accomplishing two things. First, if I can help anyone else out there living through this nightmare, it will be worth it. Second, I am hoping I will find it to be therapeutic. I have only known about my husband's addiction for three months, and I have a lot of healing to do.

Where to begin? Well, I met and fell in love with my husband fifteen years ago. Boy, was he a charmer. Flowers every day. Little did I know that being charming is typical addict behavior. He was still in college and I was in graduate school. We were living pretty typical college-student lives. We partied at bars - drinking and such. I knew he was a partier. But, I did not know he would turn out to be a cocaine addict.

We got married in 1999. At his bachelor party, he got in trouble with the police for marijuana and giving alcohol/drugs to his brother who was a minor. That should have been a red flag I suppose. But the invitations were sent, I loved him, and I went through with the wedding.

The marriage is a roller coaster ride of pure madness. We have been married thirteen years and have three beautiful children. During the beginning of our years together, he would get arrested for unpaid parking tickets. His mom and dad would bail him out and hide it from me. He got sued for a car wreck that he did not pay. We are still paying on it to this day after he had to go to court. We had utilities turned off, countless bounced checks, and cars repossessed. He did not pay his taxes. And all this time he lied. He would look at me with these big blue eyes and just lie, lie, lie all of the time. He worked for his dad, who paid him regardless of what kind of behavior he was exhibiting.

I found out three months ago that he has stolen thousands of dollars from me. It started three years ago. He is a construction worker. We put an addition on our first house. I just let him handle it, as I do not know about construction. And, since he is my husband, I trusted him. Little did I know that he was using my hard earned savings to buy cocaine. I found it on him during this time. He lied and said it was not cocaine. I flushed it down the toilet. I told his parents and siblings. THEY DID NOTHING. I forgave him, again, thinking it was just a one-time mistake. He was stressed from putting on the addition and having a second child.

Fast forward three years later, and he started acting CRAZY this summer. Even though I got this promotion at work that gave me a significant pay raise, we were more broke than ever. Again, bounced checks, utilities turned off, cars repossessed.

Here is when I started to suspect something. He was getting aggressive and violent. He slapped our two year old son across the face and threw a bowl across the room at me on another occasion. Mind you, I was six months pregnant. Again, I told his parents, and they actually called me a liar and said I was making this up. Why would I make this up? He lied to them and said that he did neither. Then, we went on vacation with his family and they all treated me terribly.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, he stole $26,000 from my uncle! It was suppose to be a loan, and my husband took the money to pay back taxes, buy cocaine, and then gambled to try to make it back.

Luckily, my uncle let me know the money was missing. This actually saved my husband's life. On October 1st, my husband had a break down. He said that money was missing. I found a gambling website open. Stupid me thought that he was bipolar or something -- excessive spending and gambling. So, I took him to the emergency room. I asked for a tox screen.

It came back positive for cocaine. The social worker told me he was a compulsive liar. I said, "I know."

The next day he joined NA and went to outpatient rehab for six weeks. I joined Alanon and am in therapy. We had a baby six weeks ago. My life is CRAZY.

His family has totally turned on us. They hate me and blame me. I have never done cocaine. I just don't understand how they can turn on him when he needs them the most. My family, although so angry with him, has helped us more than anything. They are our support.

Now I really don't know what to do. I do love him, but cannot trust him. I am hurt. Ugh. What a nightmare.



An Ep User An EP User
2 Responses Jan 8, 2013

I had a similar story. Two months after our wedding I was able to see him between the bathroom door and the jam, which had to get adjusted by the builder, with his belt around his arm and injecting his vein. I nearly passed out. I had no idea. His parents hid this from me as well. Then I discovered he had withdrawn $13K from our bank account which was all wedding gifts. I don't know how I didn't die from puking so much. Afterwards, I found a spoon and lighter hidden in the bathroom. He would heat up his heroine and inject himself right there in the house. I couldn't believe this was happening to me and all along he was always "so nice" to me. He died of an overdose 4 years later. He wouldn't go to a hospital after being brought home by a "friend" completely unable to walk or go to the bathroom. When two days later I called an ambulance and forced him to go to the emergency room, he didn't want me in there with the nurses and doctors. They sent him home. I was shocked. Two days later, again, another ambulance and back to the ER. This time they admitted him. By the evening he hooked up to a dialysis machine. The next day he told me he "loved" me and that was it. He was in ICU and I could only go in for a few minutes every few hours. By midnight they told me he needed a procedure to give his kidneys an electric jolt as a last recourse. I agreed. He died 4 hrs. later. His parents blamed everything on me. They wouldn't agree that their son was a junkie. Oh, and it gets better. They all hid from me that he was HIV+ on top of it all. Thankfully, I've always tested negative. That was all over 20 years ago. His parents are both gone now. The were very well to do and left me nothing, and their son left me a $20K debt. I hope that no one ever goes through the hell I went through. If anyone out there is reading this, please learn from my experience and walk out on your marriage while you can if anyone does this to you. It does not pay to hang on and see if you can solve things...because you can't.

Hey Snow, at least he went to rehab... my husband is not being taken to rehab.. instead they have him cleaning himself at controlling mommy and daddy's house...and my family is planning to have our priest manage the situation, like talking to him about spirituality at home... we'll see.
your In Laws suck big time....mine didn't believe me either when I told him he slapped me while i was carrying our youngest child...they're in denial.

CinnamonCake, Thanks for the response. I am glad he went to rehab and is in NA. I am learning that this is a disease, albeit a hard one to understand. I want to try to help him through it. I was tough the first few months. I was about to have a baby, then the holidays came. I had distractions. Now that that has all passed, I feel pretty blue about everything. I am giving him one more chance, but if he uses again, I will have to face the fact that his addiction won out over our family. I have to brace myself for that possible reality and protect my kids. Has your husband gone to any 12 step meetings? I highly recommend them. They are working wonders for us. Also, I would highly recommend him getting a sponsor. My husband's sponsor is an angel in our lives. I am really hurt by my inlaws. I wake up thinking about how angry and disappointed I am in them. Don't really know what to do about that situation either except to just stay away from them for now until I am in a better place. My father in law screamed at me saying, "Do you want my money?" I am not the one who stole 26 k. I have never stolen anything in my life. I am afraid to speed when driving. I would never do half the things my crazy husband has done. And, my mother in law and father in law treated me like this in my third trimester. Nice grandparents - letting their 2 year old grand son get slapped and screaming at the new grandson's mom. I am just heartbroken over this situation. Thanks for letting me vent.

He's not doing anything, nor the 12 step meetings... but he agreed to take antidoping tests once a week permanently..
my in laws, i don't know what to do about them either and he let me know that they will always be more important than me and the kids. :( I spoke to the person who's treating our case to have a serious conversation with him about what his priorities should be. We'll see... PM me if you feel like chatting more!
xo!
C.