The Wife of An Addict: Going In Cirlces
Last year at this time my husband admitted to many counts of addictive behavior. It was only the course of the year that i discovered exactly what his addictions included. To my surprise his father is a recovering addict and is perhaps still a coke head. he dabbled in coke and he admitted to being a very heavy pot smoker as well as compulsive gambler....just to mention a few. fortunately for me he bouncing from one addiction to another.. whether its working, gambling, pills, pot, smoking, alcohol or shopping. anything to keep from being real.
all this didn't not make any sense to me until he literally was dragged to rehab last year. After an intense 28 days he came back renewed and refreshed. I was so pleased with his progress and he was all of a sudden fun to be with again. I was so happy.. I was able too see the silver lining in all the pain and thought the worst was over.
I began reading alot about addictive behavior, and mostly about high Risk personality which my husband suffers from...and I really thought I had everything under control . I began therapy to build myself up after years of what I didn't realize was emotional abuse.
then the relapse came...half way through the process....I didn't pick up on it at first but I noticed some patterns repeating itself ...I still felt like I was going nuts. the constant manipulation was killing me....and still does. He finally came forward telling me what had happened.. and he started going to IOP right away.
Again, i felt home free. Although we were back to square one I felt he must have learned by now!!!!
A year later, a ******* year later...I feel like killing my husband. now he claims he is not an addict... yes maybe one he had a problem but according to him he is in control. I cant take it and I don't buy it. I see all the signs....the way he turns everything I say around...telling me I'm the crazy one. what kind of person after a long tiring day, after not seeing his wife or kids goes to poker game because he got a "call" they asked how can I say no? meanwhile after coming home in the wee hours of the night is surprised by the inevitable wake up call of his four children..ages 7-1 HELLO this is your life wake up you moron.....deal with it..
I'm telling you feel like I'm surrounded by addicts....my husband for starters...then there my father in law who my husband claims is using again....so there he telling me things about his fathers addictive behavior that I'm feeling about him ...then there is my god forsaken brother .... what has addiction problems since god knows when..only I grew up in a house of denial and secrets all my life. now my brother is married and I see myself seven years ago in his wife..." oh let him have his vices it cant hurt" "when the baby comes he'll change, you'll see"
I want to scream on the top of my lungs!!!! ADDICTS don't learn from the past!!!! is a processing problem......if you ask my husband is he's and addict...he'll tell you no way...I made a mistake and it wont happen again...meanwhile he spinning out of control!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Uh I hate him. the ups and downs I'm tired. he refuses, or rather claims that he simply cant find the time to do any sort of therapy. which he is in major need of...something CBT, EMO therapy something god dammit....what can i do with for kids and only a bachelors degree. I feel like a fool. I want to pull my hair out!!! I just want to erase my life and start over....oh god help me .. how did I get into this mess???
thanks for listening...I feel like there is a lot of pain out there.. i guess it helps knowing I'm not alone...or am I?