The Wife of An Addict: Going In Cirlces

      Last year at this time my husband admitted to many counts of addictive behavior. It was only the course of the year that i discovered exactly what his addictions included. To my surprise his father is a recovering addict and is perhaps still a coke head. he dabbled in coke and he admitted to being a very heavy pot smoker as well as compulsive gambler....just to mention a few. fortunately for me he bouncing from one addiction to another.. whether its working, gambling, pills, pot, smoking, alcohol or shopping. anything to keep from being real.  


all this didn't not make any sense to me until he literally was dragged to rehab last year. After an intense 28 days he came back renewed and refreshed. I was so pleased with his progress and he was all of a sudden fun to be with again. I was so happy.. I was able too see the silver lining in all the pain and thought the worst was over. 

I began reading alot about addictive behavior, and mostly about high Risk personality which my husband suffers from...and I really thought I had everything under control . I began therapy to build myself up after years of what I didn't realize was emotional abuse.  

then the relapse came...half way through the process....I didn't pick up on it at first but I noticed some patterns repeating itself ...I still felt like I was going nuts. the constant manipulation was killing me....and  still does.  He finally came forward telling me what had happened.. and he started going to IOP right away.  

Again, i felt home free. Although we were back to square one I felt he must have learned by now!!!!

A year later, a ******* year later...I feel like killing my husband. now he claims he is not an addict... yes maybe one he had a problem but according to him he is in control.  I cant take it and I don't buy it. I see all the signs....the way he turns everything I say around...telling me I'm the crazy one.    what kind of person after a long tiring day, after not seeing his wife or kids goes to poker game because he got a "call"  they asked how can I say no?  meanwhile after coming home in the wee hours of the night is surprised by the inevitable wake up call of his four children..ages 7-1  HELLO this is your life wake up you with it..

I'm telling you feel like I'm surrounded by husband for starters...then there my father in law who my husband claims is using there he telling me things about his fathers addictive behavior that I'm feeling about him ...then there is my god forsaken brother .... what has addiction problems since god knows when..only I grew up in a house of denial and secrets all my life. now my brother is married and I see myself seven years ago in his wife..." oh let him have his vices it cant hurt" "when the baby comes he'll change, you'll see" 

I want to scream on the top of my lungs!!!! ADDICTS don't learn from the past!!!!  is a processing problem......if you ask my husband is he's and addict...he'll tell you no way...I made a mistake and it wont happen again...meanwhile he spinning out of control!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uh I hate him. the ups and downs  I'm tired. he refuses, or rather claims that he simply cant find the time to do any sort of therapy. which he is in major need of...something CBT, EMO therapy something god  dammit....what can i do with for kids and only a bachelors degree. I feel like a fool. I want to pull my hair out!!!    I just want to erase my life and start over....oh god help me .. how did I get into this mess???

thanks for listening...I feel like there is a lot of pain out there.. i guess  it helps knowing I'm not alone...or am I?


enraged enraged
15 Responses Dec 25, 2008

Reading this and other stories makes me realize that he is not going to change...ever. He might "do better" at times, but the bottom will always fall out. He doesn't learn from mistakes and no degree of loss and humiliation is enough to make him change. If he can't/won't give it up for his children (who I sincerely believe he loves) ...then he simple is not going to do it.

Thanks everyone for your posts! Today of all days Im glad I found this forum! I needed to read these stories and give myself some perspective. I am a wife of an addict. He finally leaves all the presc<x>ription drugs alone and now this synthetic salts had to come along. I think he is ok but with that stuff there is no way to tell. We all know that an addict cant tell the truth even if there is nothing to hide. My husband goes to meetings and works a program but I cant help but be suspicious all the time. Anyone have any suggestions on how to keep my accusations to myself? I am just use to him eventually relapsing after months so its hard to have faith and his word means squat! He is one of the addicts that works and makes great money normal life always home...almost like a loner addict....hes home not in bars and such. any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am sick of being consumed by whats gonna happen next?

Addiction is a roller coaster ride from HELL.<br />
You cant reason with it.<br />
There is no logic.<br />
It makes no sence. <br />
And in the end you are left feeling crazy and exausted.<br />
I left my 20 years of addicted, controlling and abusive marriage with 5 changes of clothes for both me and my son. And thats the way we lived for 7 months. WE HAD NOTHING. I WAS IN MY MID 40's WITH NO HIGHSCHOOL EDUCATION.<br />
If I can do this, so can you!<br />
Surround yourself with positivity.<br />
This is getting to you emotionally and it takes a very long time for that to ease. <br />
Your children are suffering way more than you are and you probably dont even know it.<br />
Surround yourself with positive people if you have to reach out for it all yourself.<br />
( which it sounds like you will have to do because you are surrounded in addiction and emotional abuse. )<br />
Then when the time is right, you'll get off the roller coaster ride from hell and look back and say, " WOW, Glad thats over! "<br />
Move foward one little baby step at a time.<br />
No one expects you to JUMP. <br />
Eventually you'll be taking steps, big and small.. AT LEAST they are steps.<br />
Always try to stay positive.<br />
Drug addicts can turn abusive quickly. Trust me, I know!<br />
Look in the phone book for abuse and crisis shelters.<br />
I know that sounds crazy, but if you have no sober family in the area you can go to. A shelter is the best option. <br />
I had to go to a shelter. <br />
I owned my own home for 17 years. <br />
I had to leave everything behind. <br />
I made it. <br />
1 year later I am divorced.<br />
I have lievd without all the crap for over a year now.<br />
It's AMAZING!<br />
Life is WONDERFUL..<br />
It's not easy.. <br />
I went through depression before and after..<br />
I went through hell before and after..<br />
No Eggshells, No Chaos, No Confusion, No Drama, No Feeling Crazy, No Lies, No More PAIN!...<br />
Only Freedom and the sweetness it really is!<br />
You can do it!<br />
I have faith in you! <br />

Ok I am first time writer. I have married the love of my life, but a year into the relationship he changed. He hurt his bakc at work, and I will say he works like a dog. The doctor prescribed pain pills, and from there a monster was born. I planned a wedding and paid for a wedding all by myself. He has been hooked on pain pills for months now. Recently he stole money form me and was caught in several lies. He no longer is the man that i married or loved. he is at a rehab now. He stole the rent money and used it to buy pills. As I read all these messages, my hope was popped like a balloon. Is it possible to have a healthy marriage ans possibly kids with an addict. am I being blind for love or can a person change?

dealing with a person on drugs like a roller coaster ride nothing but ups and downs i know your trying to hold on to him the more you hold on more you lose a piece of you he has to want to change no matter how bad you want it he has to wanted more take your children and leave it wont be easy it affect kids to drugs destroy on march 8 2012 i lost my husband due to years of drug abuse he had a lot of heath problems due to years of drug abuse i wanted it for him but he never wanted it now i am free but still feel bonded by years of his addiction has done to me give yourself permission to leave knowing you did all you could good luck

I married my husband over 2yrs ago. and 6 months into the marriage he stole my debit card and car, left me stranded at my home with my two children and wiped out my bank account and wrote checks to continue using. That was the first time ever i had experienced that kind of behavior in a relationship. He used about 3 more times but then stayed cleaned for ONE YEAR and ONE DAY and then used crack. He agreed to go to a mission for 30 days and, he is day three into it, to deal with himself and have no outside communication with his family. I know though, that was the last time he and I will live in the same house again. I am not rushing to divorce but now my focus is totally on me getting me back and pouring everything I have into my two kids 14 and 11. I realize as crazy as it may sound he is married to crack, the ups and downs it brings and, the drama that comes with it. He has bonded to the cycle, getting attention maybe that he feels he didn't get from his single mother and absent father who is now HIV positive from his past multiple sex partners. I had a long talk with myself I didn't have this negative environment before I met and married him. My health went down because of the stress I was internalizing and he tried to damage my self esteem by saying mean hurtful things and threatening me if I ever left him. I have supported him financially for two years now and I now have two scars in my face that was flawless before i married him. He has spent over 20 yrs of his life on and off crack that is his playground activities but they ARE NOT MINE. I am done with him and all the signs are there he will end up either dead and if not definitely back in prison. I release myself to love me, to live again i feel lighter. I have been approved for one of the most Luxurious apartment homes in our town. It is so beautiful its like living in a vacation resort. This is where me and my two children are moving to in three weeks and I WILL NOT BE TAKING MY HUSBAND WITH US. He came into my children's life with my permission now i must think of them and make sure he keeps away. ME AND MY CHILDREN WILL NOT BE A CRACK HEAD BY WAY OF ASSOCIATION and I have never even as much as smoked a cigarette in my life why would i smoke crack through my husbands? GET OUT LADIES...........YOU DESERVE TO LIVE THE BEST HIGHEST LIFE. <br />

O M G I feel like you are living my life but I have 5 children (blended family) and a grandchild we are also self employed i just want to scream at him but hes to stoned to give a F###

ctd2000974, leave. He isn't going to kill himself. He's going to kill you... he's going to drain the life out of you. Take what you can and get out... get counseling... have no guilt over what he does and says, take care of you. Read the book CoDependant no more, and run far, far away.

I to the point that when my husband threatens suicide because I want to leave him, I wish he just go ahead with it. I'm tired of the lies and the things being blamed on me. I see now how manipulating he is and he knows he is running out of things to say and do to exhaust me and give in. I can't anymore. GOD HELP ME be STRONG!!!

I feel your pain,anger and resentment. I live with it daily. I feel like my whole relationship/marriage has been nothing but a big lie.<br />
I know when I finally reached my point of having enough, I had gone thru hell with him. I couldn't do it anymore. I was physically and emtionally exhausted, like I had no life left in me. I was raising 4 kids which I could handle but I could not handle taking care of him anymore. I got a protective order keeping him from seeing or talking to the kids or I. The police removed him from our home. Leaving him homeless and not enough money to go get a place to live. He lost his home,wife and children. But it didn't stop there. He came up on federal charges for embezzlement. Now he was facing the posibility of losing his whole life his basic freedom. <br />
He has no choice now, he follows the program, does random urine test,etc or he will give up his life. I pray he will continue to do it, and continue to be the person he is now---like he was 10yrs ago when we met. I don't know what will happen, I wish I did. I am scared, I won't lie. I am trying to find the support I need, not exactly sure were to look, but have not given up. <br />
Don't give up on yourself, or your needs,desires and wants. What will it take for you to be happy? If he is not in that picture, what does that tell you? What about your kids? Sure they need parents, but honestly do they need a addicted dad? I am speaking purely from experience. My kids were MUCH happier in a house were there was not constant fighting, or a dad whose moods were so unstable. Everyone walked on eggshells. Lived with Dr Jeckl/Mr Hyde? What kind of life is that. My kids were comfortable enough to bring friends to the house now. You know what else we had that had been missing---LAUGHTER. Seeing the smiles on their faces, hearing them laugh, thats what it is all about. Love yourself first.

Laughter, oh I miss;(

Your story is so familiar to me. I wish you the best. It's hard to go through this.


I am so sorry that you are going through this. My boyfriend, who died from cirrhosis on Dec. 15th was a heroin addict. We lived together 7 years. He tried so hard to hide it from me. It was a good 6 months before things started to click in my head and I realized what was going on. He started using heroin when he was 11 years old and died at the age of 53. <br />
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He left home from me 45 days before he died because he was hallucinating and seeing people in bed with me and other ugly things. His prior use of alcohol and heroin, combined to make him basically in a state of dementia. He went back to where his family is and no one would care if he was high. He had been in mental and physical pain for so many years that I believe he accelerated the process of his dieing by using heroin again. His brother who promised me he would take care of him was right there using with him. Misery loves company and believe me, to be an addict is a misery.<br />
<br />
I, thank God, am not an addict but from my boyfriend I do understand some of the feelings and reasons why they become like that. His father was also an alcoholic and died at the age of 48 from DTs and he had a very hard life.<br />
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When he was using his whole personality would change and it would hurt me so bad that he wasn't the kindest, warmest and gentlest man that I knew. He would become a liar, and distant and pull away from me because he didn't want me to feel his arms where he had abscesses from using a needle into his skin, he had ruined most of his veins years ago. He would lie to me constantly. Basically whenever he started acting in that manner I knew that something was wrong and he was probably using again. 9 out of 10 times I was right.<br />
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We moved away from where he grew up and he had only slipped one time in almost 3 years, when we went back to his family's home for a holiday. The reasons that he used where many but mainly it was because he couldn't stand to face the emotions that had left ugly marks on his heart. When he used heroin, he felt nothing, a nirvana I guess. When he would and could open up to me or to God, he didn't need the heroin, it was when it was so painful and deep and of nature that he couldn't share it was definitely a trigger to him.<br />
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He didn't grow up wanting to be an addict, he didn't desire to become an alcoholic either. That didn't make the times when he was using any easier for me. I do know that my boyfriend was my greatest blessing and at the same time my greatest burden. I became so close to God because of the help I needed to live each day. For this although the cause was painful, the resulting relationship that I have with Jesus is one that I am so awed by and grateful for. I believe that God cried with my boyfriend and my boyfriend didn't rely on him as much as he could of. If he had, he could have healed come of his scars years before. I do know despite that being an addict Jesus and/or God loved my boyfriend.<br />
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Both he and I have grown children so there were no children that are involved but if there were I don't know that I would have let him continue to live around them if he wasn't in recovery. Perhaps you might wanted to say it's going to have to be your way (rehab, counseling, etc) or the highway. There is no point in expecting him to choose between you and the drugs/alcohol because unfortunately you won't be who he would chose. This way the hardest thing for me to swallow. He won't go into recovery until he is ready to quit, not you wanting him to quit. If he doesn't do it for no other reason than himself, he is bound to fail.<br />
<br />
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but from my experiences for the past 7 years, there it is. Jane66 is so right in her advice to stay healthy and love your children. Provide for them the best home that you can. Do not open your door to people that are actively using because your house should be a sanctuary for you, not a place for druggist to come.<br />
<br />
I wish you all of the best and pray that he will find the help he needs and if he doesn't I pray that you will find the strength to stand up to him and let him know what you won't tolerate. He is choosing to act the way he is. You deserve the same choice.<br />
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As Jane so eloquently stated you do need to talk people, you have done nothing wrong in falling in love and marrying an addict. You have nothing to be ashamed of, he is the one using the drugs, not you. Unfortunately you need to deal with him one way or another. You might try to find an NA (Narcotics Autonomous) or a support group for user's familys. They do exist, you are not alone and you can change your life to make it what you and your wonderful (I'm guessing because every Mother's kids are) kids deserve. I am not sure how you feel spiritually but church is also a wonderful place that could be of help to you.<br />
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I will pray for you enraged, so that maybe someday you can become blessed.

thanks for your support. i AM JUST SO OVERWHELEMED...youre right about joining a support one point I looked into meeting during the day but I guess I let it slip.. I go to private counseling but im realizing thats not enough..otherwise I wouldnt be online dying to hear from stangers that im not alone and things that can change.....<br />
Im just soo tierd... I tierd of crying ...Im tierd of everything feeling the only normal one in a world of freaks...whats normal anyway?! not to mention I have my hands filled tending to the emotional and physical needs of four very real vibrant children. thanks again for support... I just im just so filled with resentment, rage and just pain...sometimes I still cant believe this all happening.. how did my life get so out of control?! sometimes, and I know this sounds crazy...but I wish if we needed to be plauged with some diease I would pick any other but least there are no stigma attached to other many of friends think I have a picture perfect life...if they only knew how much I suffer behind closed doors.

Until they hit rock bottom you can forget everything and for each person that is different. I am a recovering addict with 6yrs clean. So I can speak from experience.x