I Married A Man I Was Never In Love With Twice!

I have married been married three times. I am embarrassed by this. Especially because I never loved them. My first husband is also my third husband.
I knew him as a child. I never liked him. Actually I couldn't't stand him. He is older than me and liked my sister.
I come from a broken home, no dad in my life. A mom who hated men. I was sexually abused though all my teen years by my brother in law. So as you see I had a very distorted view of marriage and love. The men I did look up to and loved hurt me.
My mom told me being in love never existed. It was just a fantasy. I believed her. She told me to marry for security and then love could grow someday. Real love is just caring for someone. Taking care of them. Being there for them.
All i ever wanted to be was a mom and wife.
When I was 17 I did fall in love. It was like nothing I ever experienced before. chemistry was just there. We looked into each others eyes across the room and it was over.  We broke up, but kept in contact for awhile. He went into the military I finished high school. I wrote to him but he never wrote back. About two years later I ran into him. He kissed me and I faighted.  He asked me why I never responded to his letters. ( found out my mother hid the letters. she didn't like his religion, (Pentecostal) he said he asked me to marry him in them. I told him yes i will oh yes I will. but by then he changed his mind. Said he loved me too much to let me be a military wife. So we dated during his leave and then never talked again for years. So I do know that being in love is real. but he hurt me pretty bad.
In the years that followed that I dated other men. But never fell in love again. I wanted a family. I wanted to get away from the home I was in.  My sister found out about her husbands abused and stayed with him. Lots of people blamed me and I just wanted out of that town
. So I looked for someone who had a good job. Was good with his money. And at least someone I could laugh with. That's when I was at my cousins and in walked him the first and third man I married. He was a geek every one tried to put us together. I have always knew him and never liked him. but we did play board game together every Friday with family and laughed a lot. He told my cousin  I would be beautiful if I wasn't't so fat ( I was 160 lbs) A Little chunky but not fat. when I heard that oh my I let him have it. After I yelled at him he asked me out. I said no way. no way. when I got home I told my mom and she said why not. You love his family he's nice, good job, good man. So I did go out.  Had a good time. but when he kissed me I laughed so hard. He had a beard and mustache I hated. I couldn't't kiss him. In fact I've only kissed him a handful of times during our first and second marriage. He has to keep his beard (no chin) looks better with it but I hate it.  I told him I couldn't go out again. he was nice but I just couldn't do it sorry.
he seen that as a challenge and kept calling on me. He moved away but kept contact. One night I was real depressed he called and invited me up to his house. I went and never came home again till I was pregnant with our son. I didn't love him but I cared about him. We got married 9 months later. Had our son 6 months later and 21 months later had another baby. I was happy I thought he was too. but 6 years later I found out he had been cheating on me for 4 years. We separated, I had a nervous break down. I healed and met a man about 6 months later. I fell in love again for the second time. I got pragent. when I did my boy friend lost it. He said he didn't' want anything to do with me or the baby. (his wife died during child birth and was scared) when my husband found out he said his girl friend dumped him , he missed his boys and family and asked me to come home. Said he would raise the baby as his own. So I moved home things where good for awhile but fell apart again. I just couldn't't stay married to him. I loved my babies daddy. I had to see him almost everyday. I wanted to run. so I divorce my husband. Found a new man all the way across America. he was cute, fun, and loved my boys and baby girl. Said he was a Christan, didn't drink, had a good job and wanted a family (he wasn't able to have his own kids)
things were good at first we dated 6 months long distance. We married and things were good for 5 months.. until I picked him up in jail. for drunk driving. He was an alcoholic I found out. We lost every thing. I moved back home. ex husband moved me back. new husband followed me. He said he got help so we tried again. and again after we paid all the fines, Got his license back. He up and left one night for Vegas and never came home. about a year later (call me a glutton for punishment) he wormed his was in again. So we tried one more time. all hell broke loose 5 months later. he was drinking again, he was cheating on me, He tried to kill me (insurance money) and the best part of it all he told me he was gay. yes gay. this bio is not fake it is my life. I couldn't't be live it. So he went away for along time. I divorce him. During all this my ex husband was by my side. My friend.
  He found out he has leukemia and asked if I would marry him again so I could take care of him and he could live with his children for what years he has left. After all the support he gave me I had too. So we remarried. things were going good. I hate sex with him however. I know why now it's cause i feel like he's my dad. So now I only do it when I have too. I take care of him though. We have raised really good kids. They are vary happy. So that makes me happy.
Now to though the wrench in things. My daughter is now 10 and has found her biological dad. He now see her on a weekly basis. So guess what I have to see him as well. Our connection is so strong. He is so sorry he left me. But with him raising his boys and me raising my boys and caring for my sick husband. We can't be together. Oh how it hurts. I must admit we have found a few moment to be together. I love him.
sorry it was so long. but I had to get it out. I can't tell another soul any of this. It feels good to get it off my chest.
Love sick, and heart sick
in Michigan.
macwinda macwinda
36-40, F
5 Responses Nov 1, 2010

i know the feeling married to a man i neverloved twice finally admitted i was always in love with my children father i cheated with him for two years best days of my life now i am miserable


Just read this. What a compelling story. I see you posted some time ago. How are things going now? I hope you are in a happier place!

good hell<br />
<br />
life's too much to go through

wow thats a crazy story you have.. I am glad that your sticking by your husband when hes sick though.<br />
I do know what you mean by caring about someone but not really loving them, thats how it was with one of my first boyfriends... If I wouldnt have met my husband I probably would have ended up with him, although there wasnt chem, could have worked just because I really did care about him. So are you gonna try to get with your ex if something happens to your husband?