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Badly Needing Advice

Hello, this is my first time actually joining a group like this but this have come to the point I have no where else to turn. I am currently 7months pregnant & recently separated from my husband of 8months. After 6months of back & forth, I moved to the States (I am Canadian) to be with him. At first everything seemed to be everything I had hoped from married life, he was sweet & so loving & did everything he could think of to make me happy. Then after only 2 weeks he suddenly would become moody & sarcastic during the day, but by night we would make love & fall asleep. On the day my uncle passed away after his battle with cancer, I was extremely emotional & instead of being there for me he withdrew & started saying if I was so miserable I should just leave & move back to Canada. I was shocked he would even think that instead of recognizing that I was in pain from losing someone close to me. Well this led to more accusations & it seemed the more I denied wanting to leave the angrier he got. He flew into a rage & threw me into a wall. I ran out of the house where he chased after me and again grabbed me. A neighbour called the police & when they arrived he lied flat out & said I had assaulted him & he wanted me arrested & thrown in jail. I decided I needed to leave. I came back to Canada & for the last few weeks he has text messaged me numberous times during the day alternating between saying he loves & misses me to calling me a ***** and a ***** and I did this to us because I want to be with someone else. I love this man more than anything and Im falling into such a depression because it seems no matter how nice I be to him and how much I reassure him I only want to be with him, he starts degrading me & insulting me & blaming me for this entire situation. I finally messaged him yesturday saying that although I love him, I need to let him go for my own sanity and the health of this baby. Now today its been all love from him, that he knows hes been cruel the last few weeks and that he doesnt know why he copes that way and that hes willing to find help. I feel bad for what I know hes struggling with because I know he truly does love me and I want our marriage to work, Im just terrified of what I am getting myself & my child into if I go back. Im worried this recent behaviour will become recurrent & will only get worse as our marriage progresses. Is there any hope for our marriage to be happy & what can I do to help him or help our relationship. Im not sure if the way I react is a trigger or if there is something Im not responding to properly. Thank you for taking the time to even read this. I cant believe how much just started flowing as I wrote.
mylove4ever mylove4ever 26-30, F 8 Responses May 21, 2010

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Thank you for your story.

I am married to a man with BPD, 2 yrs ago I was pregnant. It really seemed to trigger my husband's fear of abandonment and insecurities. He also became VERY possessive of the baby while I was pregnant. It was a very hard time for me as a pregnant woman. He constantly accused me of cheating, planning to leave him and even of the child not being his. He also became very mean to our son, (13 at the time). saying hurtful things and being very antagonistic towards him. There was a yelling match daily in our home, and he became a terrible bully.

Unfortunately I believe the stress became too much and I delivered our daughter stillborn 2 months early. It is something that I mourn and think about on a daily basis.

I have come to a place that I do not blame anyone for what happened. Immediately following, internally I blamed my husband, I blamed myself for staying, I blamed our parents for the lives we live now, you name it, I blamed......

The bottom line is, I made a choice and I must live with it. I cannot change things now, but I can't honestly say I would handle things the same way if I had a choice. The guilt that I carried and still revisit is that I put my own needs/wants ahead of my unborn child.

My husband & I both mourn the loss of our daughter, and we have made it through it, with alot of soul searching. As I was going through the blame game so was he, he was hurting as well as I. I cannot imagine how he feels, he acknowledges that he was out of control during the pregnancy, but we cannot discuss it at length. His BPD kicks in and then it's a whole different issue.

With counselling and support (seperately and together) we have been able to live with our choices and the consequences no matter how painful.

So my advice is.........be truly honest with yourself, and ask yourself the hard questions....

Having relationship difficulties definitely adds to stress in a pregnancy, but you don't need to feel that these problems caused or even contributed to the painful outcome. The vast majority of miscarriages are caused by a biological problem (often genetic) with the baby. Usually the exact cause cannot be confirmed. The mystery adds to the guilt women feel over pregnancy loss. Do try to either resolve the issues or move on, but don't feel burdened by having a role in the miscarriage; it is definitely something that happened to you through no fault of your own.

Help yourself ... tell him ti **** off.

There are many websites on internet one can get knowledge from about many things; bpd, self esteem, marriage crisis, etc....<br />
glad you expressed your feelings.

i have bpd.im married for last 5 months.my story is different cause i am a doctor by profession and know my disorder for last 2 years.my wife is 6 yrs younger than me.sometimes i dont know whether im completely responsible for my extensively bad behaviour or she just forget that im a sick person and wont always behave well.i feel angry with her cause she was in a relationship with someone else before meeting me and she did not tell me that she was in a relationship in all those four months when i gradually fell in love with her.the day when i was going to propose her she suddenly told me that she was involved but her parents wont permit her to do that.then she asked for my advice! she thought me as her friend yet she did not tell me about her relationship.i was wrecked.still i told her that its her life and she should decide for her.the next day she was gone.no trace.i frantically searched for her everywhere,in the station,in the college,i called her home,her friends,no clue..nothing.she once told me she wanted to commit suicide.i was afraid that she would do it.im sorry but perhaps im wasting yr time.its all my fault that i have bpd.no one can cure me if i dont behave well.i must correct myself.this delusion that she should have told me about all this..she should not have lied to me.sometimes i think it would have been better if she never admitted that she has lied to me.i must forgive n forget.i have taken pills.i have gone to psychiatrists.but nothing works.it is only me who can mend it.i must accept that its my fault that i have bpd.not hers.

Wow. My story is very similar to yours, except I moved across the U.S. to be with mine. He texts me constantly since I moved back home 6 weeks ago. I go back and forth about whether I should give it another shot - he's seeing a counselor, and insists he's going to "fix" himself, but I don't really know what I should do. It's hard; you love them, but deep down you know they're broken. I have no advice but can only say that I know what you're going through.

I have bpd, I think until he gets proper treatment for it you should concentrate on yourself and your child. I've been told by people that people with bpd can successfully have children and cause no emotional harm, bu there are also a lot of people out there who had terrible childhoods due to having a bpd parent. This is why I've made the choice no to have children, as I would not want to mess up an innocent child or give them a bad childhood, as mine wasn't very good.<br />
I really feel for you though, because I know what I can/have put people through. Take care and good luck xx

Well, I am in such a similar situation like you....wow!! Except I moved to France to be married and we had a baby and I stayed with him for three years...he knows something is wrong with him, and he has stopped all drinking and is seeing a therpist for BPD. So there is a lot of advancing on his part. If your husband will see atherpaist, stop abusing any drugs or alcohol if he is?? and come to where you are to try again....could work....but you have to have support around you....and he has to fully realize he is sick...and want to be responsible for his own healing....right now, you just focus on you and that baby and seea therpsit to talk things out.....and you write me an email at anytime you need to talk<br />
nissadance@yahoo.com

Don't go back! Live for yourself and your baby--he won't change. I have too much experience with BPD to think he'll change--save yourself, sweetie!