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Fire & Ice

I am too hurt and angered to write anything positive today. I feel better knowing that I found a place where I can vent and support, but bad because my situation will never change. I feel like I step into a Hitchcock movie every morning I wake up. I have nothing left but the ability to defend myself against him and the guilt of what I'm putting my daughter through.

No-one knows the real me. Not even my daughter. Not even me. I was 19 when I started this relationship, I'll be 30 in a few months. There's no doubt I have changed and grown as a person. Feels like I will never have the opportunity to find out. The controlling and manipulation is so much a part of me that I think I've lost the concept of free will. All my senses are dulled and I feel like a fake.

My daughter is growing up independant (in a sense) because she senses that no-one can have any issues/drama in her household but her father. Our arguments make her retreat into her own world. The more I try to say things to make the argument stop the worse it gets and to her I seem like I am enjoying myself just as much or even more than her father. 

Most days I autopilot because otherwise I'll go completely crazy. I'm under as much voluntary solitary as I am being kept there against my will. I know I can leave anytime I want but how do you leave the bad without leaving the good? We love him so much but we will never be happy, and free to love him the way we really want to.
monalisahasbpd monalisahasbpd 26-30, F 94 Responses Jun 2, 2010

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Is he such a threat that you can not put your foot down?!

Guys there is an absolute secret to these kind of relationships trust me!

I don't know if you believe in Law of Attraction ... doesn't really matter if you don't coz this applies to everyone whether they believe it or not.
So I recommend listening to Abraham Hicks.

Anyone partnered with a BPD is actually blessed ... believe it or not!

Although I totally understand I'm really down in the pits too even tho I shouldn't be

But I'm a man married to a BPD!
I get beaten up by women all my life.
So try one hehe!
I know how you feel & my heart goes out to you.
But guess what?!
I have a pleasant secret for ya if u really want to know.
You probably would never believe it tho.

Me too!

you ask.."how do you leave the bad without leaving the good.."
I'm wondering, if the sense of peace and protection for your daughter is not there, what amount and what type of 'good' in your opinion is worth the effects of the lack of security and support which your daughter would be feeling?

children are not really children- they're adults in the making- what better lesson to teach your beloved daughter- than the one where you put her welfare and needs before anyone else's? what better way to teach her she is worthy of love and protection? what better way than to show her ?

Wow! So true. I have been with my hubby for 35 years...and now I am seeing that not only has it been hard on my kids....but that my 2 youngest sons.....may possibly have it too! Both are now living on the streets...using drugs. my hubby went on meds....after he thought I was going to leave him. Not for me....not for the kids....not for our family....just so he wouldn't be alone. How sad is that? :) They helped but I think he is either not taking them.....or has built up a tolerance to them.

He has his good side....and mostly....that is what he shows to the entire world. He saves his self loathing for me and himself. A real Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. :) We fought yesterday and i spent most of Father's day, alone. I'm sure today...he will be nice. We are either fighting, getting along or we are ignoring each other's existence. And I never know when or how that will all change from day to day...or moment to moment. Our kids just stay away. Who can blame them. He doesn't seem to care....as I'm sure.....he sees no reason for them to want to be around him. He views himself as worthless.....I miss them terribly.

Thats deep, I have no idea what to say about that. I am living this life as well but we have no children but I do have a little boy who watches his side shows and its just too much at times really most of the time really all the time lol well you gotta laugh to keep from crying

I truly understand your dispare at the thought of leaving your husband, but how can you sacrifice your daughters emotional and mental health for a selfish feeling. Trust me, I didn't do what I should have to protect my children's mental health from my own mental dependency on the man I loved, that love. It deeply effected my children and my relationship with my children, which was damaged. Now I am alone with no man and neither of my children. I'm not a bad person, as I'm sure you are not, but I wish someone would have shouted in my face at the time to STOP and let me see how much I was damaging my children by thinking that my love for a man was more important than their emotional well-being. STOP and give your daughter the chance to live life without the damage of living with parents that are screwed up enablers, please, please! It is more important for her to be healthy mentally than it is for her to live with her father. He doesn't have to stay away from her, he can still be in your lives...but at least she won't have to go through your damaged relationship every day, and where she lives and should feel safe and secure. Safe and secure also includes mentally, if you have any doubts!

I agree. My kids are adults and 3 out of 5 are still struggling with substances, and most likely have inherited BPD from their dad.....as if watching us fight.........Really...........watching him pick fights with me daily, wasn't enough! My poor kids! The grief and depression are overwhelming! Get help!

I feel ya! My son lived with his bpd father figure from the time he was 8 until he graduated college. I feel I lost so many years with him because I focused on the black hole and not my son.I regret he got the years he did (my 30s and 40s) and wish I could go back and make different choices. They are sick forever, there is no cure. Save yourself and your baby.

I am so sorry. I'm also in a bad relationship full of control and anger. I am ill and have no way of moving. I see others comment about leaving but I know what it is like to be trapped and not have family members or friends who can help. Plus the anger and the pets and the control and the kids...<br />
I realize how hard it is on you and my kids were raised in such an environment also which always broke my heart and made me so sad.<br />
I use visualization a lot to get me through the years. I live in a dream world, fantasize a lot about another life. I get lost in books. I listen to Louise L. Hays and others like her on youtube to try and help keep myself built up. When I have some quiet, alone time I'm often listening to positive affirmations on youtube to try and build myself up inside. It's about the best thing I've ever been able to find to help me.<br />
So sorry..my thoughts are with you

I am so sorry. I'm also in a bad relationship full of control and anger. I am ill and have no way of moving. I see others comment about leaving but I know what it is like to be trapped and not have family members or friends who can help. Plus the anger and the pets and the control and the kids...<br />
I realize how hard it is on you and my kids were raised in such an environment also which always broke my heart and made me so sad.<br />
I use visualization a lot to get me through the years. I live in a dream world, fantasize a lot about another life. I get lost in books. I listen to Louise L. Hays and others like her on youtube to try and help keep myself built up. When I have some quiet, alone time I'm often listening to positive affirmations on youtube to try and build myself up inside. It's about the best thing I've ever been able to find to help me.<br />
So sorry..my thoughts are with you

I found this in another comment in a different story but I think it's worth it for you to review . website www.ndvh.org on there it will have disc<x>riptions of abuse, help if you want to leave, or they offer counseling. <br />
Be prepared for him to "fight" for you and play every mind game in the book to get you back . Get a lawyer and sever contact for awhile. You may not think you need a VPO but it helps. There are entire organizations that help women get out of these situations . Take care

I'd really just focus on your daughter. It's your responsibility to provide her with a healthy environment, so if not for yourself, do it for her.<br />
<br />
I really empathize with your situation. It's so hard to leave someone you love. But I think focusing on others can strengthen your will, because you can't justify it as much with "I'll be fine anyway" or "but I really love him."

I can relate with what you're going through.I'm in a similar marriage but I decided some months ago that I'm gonna stand up for myself and things are really improving.He's shocked to see me standing up to him since he's not used to it but he's gonna have to deal with it because he insists on having me in hi life.I love him,but I love my kids more & I'm doing this for me & them.

I am so sorry for all you have had to endure. There is truly only one solution to this problem, and that is to leave. PD people very rarely (easier to say never) change, because they cannot see that there problems are created by themselves. This means there is no hope for a successful marriage, and any children would be highly at risk. --- Your husband will do virtually everything and anything to try to prevent you from leaving, because he won't want to lose the ob<x>ject he can control. So you must plan your exit extremely well, set up everything in advance, then disappear from his life without trace. As precaution, tell the police what you are doing, so as to set off a hunt. Don't tell your closest friends and relatives till after the move, and don't give them your contact details for at least 18 months to 2 years. If you have to change jobs that's OK, but if you stay in your job you will have to ensure that only your boss knows where you live, and change your work hours, mode of transport and route. And don't forget things like bank accounts.<br />
I wish you all the best.<br />
Next time around, you'll know how to recognise a personality disorder from miles away! :)

I stayed in such a marriage for all of the same reasons that you mentioned in your original post. I finally left when my oldest daughter developed anorexia from all of the stress and shouted "I can't live like this anymore!". I packed up my four kids and moved out that night. Fast forward 3 years and my kids and I are the happiest we've ever been, and honestly, so is my husband. <br />
<br />
My oldest daughter has had a tough road through the healing process. I stayed because I thought it was best for my kids and truly, it was the worst thing I could have done. I got out before my other kids were old enough to really get what was going on. Funny thing, is the oldest was just as mad at me as she was for my husband. She believed I had the power to remove her front the pain of our family yet I didn't. <br />
<br />
My advice, get out now! Far more damage is occurring to your daughter than you can possible know. Good luck to you. You are in my prayers...and so is your daughter.

You are too young to live the rest of your life without happiness and love and peace and joy. Only u can decide but at the end of the day you and your daughter deserve better in the one life you both have to live and grow to your full potential. I wish you everything of the best.

omg I just read your story he sounds just like my daughters father he had borderline/narcissistc and sociapthic personality disorders only diagnosed last year he has put us through hell and back literally and I don't care what others say it took me so so much before I left it was shcocking I have to still go through **** just to keep him away and away from court he can not be left with my daughter I cant beleive I have just joined and have found some one who has been through the same thing I never ever thought it was possible I want to tell you so much you are so so so so strong NOT WEAK I thought I was too then I put everything on paper in a timeline and omg I realized I am not weak

The best I can tell you is to GO ON...I know you and your daughter love him because even though he is volatile...that's whose been in you and your daughter's life. But your never gonna be happy, not just because of him but because you wont let go. Let go for you and for your daughter, you're teaching her negativity. So take your daughter and yourself once you've made a better situation for the two of you and go on and start a life there. I wouldn't even let him know where I lived because he could try to come and start up drama at your new residence. But the decision lies in you, if your truly ready to help yourself and wanna be freed. May God be with you.

There are a lot of issues here and they need to be addressed one by one. The first it both you, husband and daughter need counciling. Have to spoken to a doctor, minister, or councelor yet? If you have chosen to leave and are afraid of what he might do when you tell him you can always have a police officer with you so you gather your things. You can also gradually take your things out if you have a place to put them. A question you need to ask yourself is are your afraid to leave and b e on your own? Are you working where you can support your daughter and your self? We can pray for you but you are going to have to make some tough decisions soon before someone or both of you get hurt physically. Be sure to see your minister/priest for spiritual quidance also.

Move out. Gee. How many times have you heard that.

I totally relate to this topic, my daughter is now 14 and in trying to keep her parents together, and keeping her with the father she so loved (because when he lives you you feel like you are the most important person in the world, which for both if us use to be most of the time). Everyone has bad days and issues. He taught me when you live someone you don't turn your back on them ( he stood by me through my weakest moments). I tried to do the same for him as the good days got further and further apart over the years. Now my daughter blamed me for everything, if I try to leave she refuses to go, if he leaves she goes with him. The dynamics of our marriage have changed over the last 5 years. He had his own business we started together and did pretty well for about 10 years, he put me thru nursing school. And although he has struggled with substance abuse he always tried to do better and was very successful with his recovery at times. Now I am the bread winner of the family and has gotten worse. Yesterday he went on a binge on called harassed my co-workers and employer, today he acts like nothing happened (stayed with fam last night, I knew what the rage would lead to if I came home). My daughter wasn't here for this one (only reason I didn't feel like I had to come home). Sick as I know it is I love him, I know that will never go away. Co- dependent? At this point, not really anymore, finally ( after 2 years if torture) I could leave him, but not without her. She is strong willed, I know she is already so screwed up by me staying to long, but I was to weak to be without him (I thought). We have been together 20 years, I keep the peace as much as possible and every time he takes off for days to weeks at a time, I do my best to "let it go" when he comes home. I do feel like you should stand behind your vowels, would it be right to leave your spouse bc they had cancer or some other disease? But then I see my daughter who I have lost ( and some of it may be the usual mother daughter teenage stuff, she needs to separate herself from me and find her own sense of self). Lately I feel so stuck and after the loss if my father to suicide in march, u sometimes wonder if maybe he to had so much internalized pain that he just could not bare it anymore, this has helped with the anger phase and I don't think I would ever do such a thing bc I do first hand know the pain it leaves behind. My advice us......I don't have a feaking clue! I KNOW I had to be sick in the first place to be drawn into this relationship in the first place. But, I am growing and he seems to be going in reverse. My career is on the verge of exploding with a new opportunity and I don't want to leave him behind, and I want my daughter back. My heads all over the place, right along with my heart. Think badly of me if you want, I can see now I've made some bad choices. EVERDAY I have to see my choices and how they have affected the people I love. Hind sight is 20/20, isn't that what they say? I wish all of you the best. I will keep you and as well as mine in my prayers. Thanks for letting me share. I have to keep so much of my life hid from the outside world!

I divorced my sociopath, and I thought I could control the amount of influence he would have by allowing or not allowinghimto see the kids when he was using drugs and/or off his meds. What a complete fool I was! I allowed him to remain connected to his kids, and all that did was give him more people to prey on and leech off of. He would take their Christmas gifts back for the money, sell their property....and I'm not even going to list the countless things he did. I kept working around him and working around him. When his ridiculous behavior didn't get a rise out of me, he began brainwashing my kids. He enlisted my son to call Child Protective Services and tell them I'm an alcoholic, drug addict, emotionally and physically abusive, I refuse my son medical attention and when I get it, I steal his meds. I'm a teacher. This is career ruining stuff! And he knew that, too. He filled my son so full of lies my son wouldn't speak to me and when he did he called me a ****. GET YOUR CHILD AWAY FROM THIS MAN! You will NEVER be able to forgive yourself. My kids were fine until he started the brainwashing when they were 15 and 16. Now, they're a mess. My son is a homeless drug addict and alcoholic. My daughter refuses to take care of herself. They're 20 and 21 now. I was astounding to see how profoundly he destroyed all of us in just a few short years.

I just found this site after being in a relationship with a bpd man for 25 years. I think for me <br />
The most difficult thing is realizing that my needs have to be met outside the relationship. <br />
I have never had an affair, I do have some really close friends that happen to be men. It<br />
Is such comfort to know that I am capable of healthy relationships. I could leave too but my<br />
Kids have suffered enough! Their dad's drama is more than any child should go through and<br />
Being married to him is way, way less drama than trying to go through a nasty divorce. I can <br />
Just imagine all his "triggers" going off all at once. Abandonment is the worst thing they face.<br />
So for me I'm in it for the long haul.

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im so sorry to hear what your going through! i dont have any kids but i can sympathize! i want to leave and know i can but im still afraid to leave everything behind. ive met someone in ep im falling in love with and im so ready to just pack my bags and leave! worst thing though is he live in another country! not to mention i myself an bipolar, ocd, and add! none of which help my situation! anyhow if you ever wanna chat please feel free to message me id love to chat!

I've gotten away and it was hard. I had to spark a violent fight in order for him to leave, via cop car.He had a Step-Dad that he moved in with. I had a restraining order delivered to him by a poloce officer. That put him in the right fr<x>ame of mind. He was freaked out about the 'idea' of cops. To have one knock on the door and talk to him Really set him straight. Haven't seen him since. He moved out of state. No Dad is waaay better than Bad Dad. We R doing great and my daughter never asks about him. She's 5 and in her own world where everybody's happy and nobody fight anymore :) God Bless and good luck. You R a Mom like me and you know what a Momma bear does, she protects her cub no matter what.

ok, well i was married at age 19, stayed with him and did my best for 25-26 years...currently im newly married to wonderful man i adore and ive learned to stop and smell the roses. first husband was sweet guy but it got very tedious...so i made myself take step back...older children are angry...but i have a life. so yeah, oh i hear u sweetie, but have courage...u will find a way.

This sounds very much like being married to a man with Asperger's Syndrome. You should check out www.meetup.com and search for the group "Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Family of Adults with ASD." On the message boards you would read stories very much like yours.

Hi. I can really relate to what you're going thru. I've also been a controlling manipulative relationship that began when I was 20y/o. Being so young it's easy to excuse jealous and controlling behavior as love. I made the same mistake. I also understand how difficult it is to leave, especially when kids are involved. Luckily the man I'm speaking of wasn't violent and his one saving grace is that he is an exceptional father. However, I've been subject to emotional, mental, and one time physical abuse. I have dealt with jealousy and the never ending questions that go with it. I hope you can somehow find the strength to leave. I did leave for 8mos. I moved back into my parents home and applied for welfare. The state gave me money until they went after him for child support....I did not have to get an attorney or incur any expenses. I was recognized by the state as the custodial parent of my boys (my biggest fear was that he'd try to take my children...a common threat) and if he wanted to fight for custody he had to retain an attorney and fight for them. I also was on foodstamps which was humbling, but I was thankful I didn't have to worry about how I was going to feed my children. I even got a pell grant to pay for school and re-enrolled in college to finish my nursing degree. There are options....help is available....you're not trapped altho I completely understand having that mind-set. Hugs and the best of luck to you.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I can tell you, whether you chose to stay or go, he won't be happy Emotions for him, will always be a confusion. I chose to live by myself because I cannot deal with the emotional upheavals and I am never happy in any relationship anyway. I also found out recently that I have Asperger's Syndrome, I forgot to ask if that made the 1st diagnosis of BPD null and void. There are support groups for AS, I don't know if there are support groups for BPD. While I'm sure he could learn to control his BPD if he wants to, basically, he CAN'T change. Life is too short to spend it being miserable and childhood is the shortest part off our lives. Whatever you decide, decide NOW and act on it NOW.

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Start making plans for leaving - money, where to go, other resources. <br />
<br />
My mom stayed married (22 years) to a narcissistic, argumentative, know-it-all, can't-handle-alcohol man. Her self-esteem was ZERO by the time the marriage was over (he left; he'd cheated on her with the wife of a couple they did things with socially). We never knew what kind of mood he'd be in, so we (kids) learned not to ask him anything unless we wanted to get the Angry version of Dad yelling at us like we were complete idiots. And don't let him have some alcohol AND get mad. I was scared to death of him when I was little and he was like that. I still get really nervous/anxious around drunks. <br />
<br />
God, I can still remember those feelings; sometimes he STILL makes me feel that "small," and I'm 47. He's 76 and will probably live into his late 90s. UGH.<br />
<br />
If he doesn't want to get well and won't get help, don't waste anymore of your life with him than you have to! There are men out there who aren't sick and will love you better - after you've gotten strong again. Save yourself; save your daughter. Good luck!

Just stay calm and get yourself into a position to leave, a job and safe home for your daughter...just have your family over when you tell him.

if you can't figure out how to leave him yourself, is there anyone who you can trust to take care of your daughter for you? I know no one wants to give up their child, but if you had some relatives that you really trusted that could take her in for awhile, then at least she could have some peace and stability for herself while you figure out how to get out of the chaos at home.

my father has borderline personality disorder and i can tell you that living with him was no picnic. you had to walk on eggshells with whatever you said because if you said one thing wrong hes flying off the handle. i dont have a very good relationship with him because of the way he is and i really wish that i did because i was just recently diagnosed with bpd and i feel like i have no one that i can turn to because my dad would blow me off and call me names. try me living with a borderline with will not get treatment for it is not a good environment for your daughter, your hurting your daughter more than you know. you need to either get your husband in treatment or you need to leave him behind because he will NEVER change, my father hasnt. like i said i myself was just diagnosed with bpd and im getting treatment because i refuse to treat ppl the way my father treated us if i can help it. i know its hard but for the fake of your sanity and your daughters you need to get out.

you should watch the movie 'eat, pray, love.' it has a good message and some concepts that i think would help you.

I understand your position completely, as I have been in the same awful boat not once, but twice. My first husband threatened suicide every time I tried to discuss ending our marriage. In the end, that is exactly what he did..he took the quick way out and stopped me from leaving him. My second husband was just as manipulative, but thankfully I found the strength to stand up for myself and divorce him. It is never easy to "just leave", as others have suggested. Leaving is not just putting yourself in a different geographic location, it is just as much a state of mind that you must accept and make peace with before you are ready to go. You need others to help, guide, and support you emotionally. Don't sacraficed your soul because it is easier than change..try to find the people in your life who will help you when you know the time is right to start over without this oppression. It will not be easy, but the things worth doing in life never are. I will keep you in my prayers.

CO-DEPENDENT!!!!!!! You are in a co-dependent relationship and that makes you just as mentally unhealthy as your husband. <br />
It is a revealing truth that your daughter sees both you and your husband are trapped in a vicious circle of disfunction. <br />
You need to get some individual counseling to help you break the "trigger and response" pattern you have with your husband. Develop healthy ways of dealing with conflicts. The same applies to your husband.<br />
Then seek marriage counseling, if you are both still willing to make things work.<br />
If your husband does not want to improve the situation, You will at least benefit from counseling in that it will help you regain your footing to decide your next move.<br />
I feel sorry for your daughter. She is the one who is truely trapped. <br />
I think it is much better to have two normal/healthy, divorced parents than to watch years of toxicity.

I'm having this problem now, but as the child. I've moved back home in with my family but my father is the worst kind of personality there is. He shows love when he wants but when he gets mad, like yesterday, it's only screaming and yelling and it's more than hard to deal with. I also have a bigger brother that has a learning disability like my father and gets yelled at everyday for it. I've grown up with this toleration my whole childhood, it's Hell. I'm a strong minded, pretty independent person but being called a 'B***h, dumb, stupid, crazy, retarded, annoying, messed up' is too much for anyone to handle. I also grew up with sever depression and now see this in my brother. No matter what, living with these kinda circumstances takes a toll on your kids. Like cancer, it spreads till it kills you and just because your numb to it, doesn't mean your daughter is. You also have to remember this is her father, your parents influence your life till they're out of the picture. If your father ever did this to you, what would you have done?

First I have to say Im very sorry you and your daughter are going through this. All I can say is to help out in some way, is to leave him and if need be start over. I don't see how there can be any good in a relationship if your loosing yourself and the man your with still gets to be the same. If your being controlled and hurt its best to leave, if not for the sake of you then your daughter. Think it over, do you wanna live this way for the rest of your life?

I read your story, but not the comments. I completely understand - I married the female version. They suck you dry emotionally. My first response is to get out!!! I did after 4 yrs of marriage and reclaimed my sanity. Please understand that the likelihood of your husband fixing himself is slim to none. I will put it to you the way a friend put it to me - he said, do want be talking to me about your sufferring 10 years from now? - get away from her. <br />
Her is what I noticed after I finally understood she was BLPD. Being kind and loving toward her only made her behavior worse. However, withholding affection and telling pointedly but calmly that I did not care what she thought or said - I will do as I damn well please. Understand I did not act not mean or aggressive, just acted completely indifferent toward her verbal assaults, which took away her powers. The result, when I behaved this way she would treat me better and when I treated her well, she treated me worse. BLPD folks are BROKEN. Life is full of opportunities - turn the page, open a new door - life can be better.

I have borderline personality disorder, and believe me, I know what my husband puts up with. I was just diagnosed last week. Please believe me when I say your life does not have to stay this way. If he's not in therapy, find a counselor with training in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (the only therapy that will do any good). If he has a counselor, does he have this training? Make him go to therapy, it is the only way to get better. Find a therapist that understands BPD, as many don't. Best of luck to you, and hold up. Know you are a worthwhile person, however he makes you feel. Also, read the book Stop Walkign on Eggshells, this will help you help yourself.

I have borderline personality disorder, and believe me, I know what my husband puts up with. I was just diagnosed last week. Please believe me when I say your life does not have to stay this way. If he's not in therapy, find a counselor with training in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (the only therapy that will do any good). If he has a counselor, does he have this training? Make him go to therapy, it is the only way to get better. Find a therapist that understands BPD, as many don't. Best of luck to you, and hold up. Know you are a worthwhile person, however he makes you feel. Also, read the book Stop Walkign on Eggshells, this will help you help yourself.

Hi, I had a similar but different dituation with a wife with BPD. After 17 years I finally got out and it was the best thing I ever did. Why did it take me 17 yrs? I suppose it has to do with the fact that I dont like to give up on things. However the situation just got sooo bad that it had to end. Today I am of the firm belief that people with mental illness that have been hospitalized should Not be able to marry! Their illness causes so much turmoil that NO family should have to indure. JMHO

<3 so glad this story has a happy ending! Good luck to you!

My friends mother is dealing with the same thing. She has all most called a divorce lawyer several times which i wish she would do. He mentaly abuses her and he trys to control every little thing in her life. She has worked her whole life and he wants her to quit her job and stay home so she can make his meals and keep the house clean. She did one time and hated it and she fought with him so much about it she finely told him that he can get over it and went back to work. He still complains about it and before they got married i enjoyed him cause he was a friend of my mothers too. he was allways funny but after I saw how he treated my friends mother i started to hate him. I've seen him make her cry several times. <br />
<br />
Needless to say from me reading what your dealing with and seeing it actuley happen to someone I know you need to get from under his thumb. Try to stand up to him about it and no matter what don't back down. Unless he has a tendacy to get physical then pack up and leave asap when he isn't home. Also even if you love him you shouldnt stay there if he is so controling. its not heathy to feel so isalated and alone and it isn't good for your daughter. It can cause mental issues later, like anger issues or depression.

It is just not as easy as many of the people here make it seem to just "get out", "leave". Those who haven't lived it haven't a clue. How about this: I don't understand how you people can just turn off empathy for a person, especially someone you love, just "like that", and not look back! Yes, it is clearly not a good situation and leaving it would - very possibly - be best all around, but don't judge a person for caring too much. I wish you the very best and the strength to do what is best for you and your daughter. And leaving might be the best thing for him too. I understand why you haven't left yet and why it's so difficult... my prayers go with you. And for people who are so quick to give advice they know nothing about.

Hi,<br />
<br />
I just did one of the single hardest things I've ever done, I divorced my Borderline wife. She never sought help, I had to figure out something was off on my own. I ended up buying a book called Walking On Egg Shells. It helped A LOT. I finally realized that she is how she is, period. That didn't make the divorce any easier. I still loved her, I still do, but I can't stand having my life being about trying to have a normal life in between her borderline upsets. <br />
<br />
Breaking up this kind of relationship is 1000 times harder than a normal one. The emotions and the psychology involved are insane, and no one understands unless they've been through it. Get that book WALKING ON EGG SHELLS. It guides you through the process of deciding to stay or leave, in a gentle, non-judgemental manner, unlike a lot of the comments on here. <br />
<br />
You have a daughter, who is getting emotionally ****** by this guy. My wife had a borderline stepfather, and he's the reason (no matter what the docs say) that she turned out the way she did. Her mother didn't have the guts to get rid of the guy, so my ex-wife is now living her life as a borderline head case. You owe it to your daughter to get that book. If you stay, it shows you how to stay and make it work, so she doesn't get hurt.<br />
<br />
Good luck,<br />
<br />
Namaste

Perhaps you need to read what others in similar situations did to help themselves and their children. I highly recommend the "love fraud" website which has an ongoing discussion/information about personality disorders and relationships. Take care of yourself.

You need to accept that the good goes with the bad... you will find good again... BPD is pervasive and it so much a part of his development it will likely only improve little with intensive counseling... often perople with BPD find ways to play out their drama in the counseling.... its like there lacks a basis or foundation that they can retreat to and change from... you need to go before more damage is doen to your daughter in this household. The best thing you can show her is how to free oneself and how to live free and happy. Your most powerful statement was about how the control and manipulation is such a part of you that half the time you probably don't even know its happening... like its just a part of how you respond to him. You need to disconnect your emotional connection and protect you and your daughter. Good luck, its difficult but freeing to make change!

Hi peacefulskyz, I have left him September last year and it's been very surreal...the happiness along with the emptiness was so weird...but I'm getting there!

Hello everyone, I just re-read my story as well as the comments...it's been almost a year since I left and wow, I can look back and honestly say it's been a journey of epic proportions :-) While everyone else is moaning about things like their job, the traffic, the economy, I'm still just so glad to be free, alive, happy and healthy! My daughter and I count our blessings almost daily! <br />
<br />
Every comment I read again now, has moved me deeply inside and honestly I couldn't help break down. Everyone who has similar experiences suffering from BPD or trying to love someone with BPD know one thing for sure...they create a veil that they wrap around you, through which you only see the bad in this world. I still love the bugger, but just as you should love a fellow human being. It's funny but I don't feel half as angry or hurt as I thought I would, I'm just grateful I made it through. I tell my daughter to pray for her dad, I never talk badly about him especially in front of her and if I absolutely must say something negative I remain as factual as possible.<br />
<br />
Guys, I will update again but I just wanted to let you know I am doing well through the grace of God, my daughter is doing well in school, she's happy, plays netball for school and being spoilt by her uncle, sister and grandma :-) I took a short course in bookkeeping and got 85% in the final exam (yeah!!), building up old and new friendships and re-discovering the person that I am...! Mwah!

wow, after reading your story and the comments, i'm very happy for you that you decided to get out while you still have a chance. i have no personal experience to share with you, just wanted to let you know that i'm pulling for you. maybe you should have someone watch your daughter at a completely different house when you tell him that you're leaving. maybe have a friend take her to the movies, somewhere he won't be able to find her while you're packing up. cause who knows, he may go looking for her. the very first thing you ABSOLUTELY have to do after getting out, is file for custody of your little girl. or if he gets to her, like picks her up from school, he will not have to give her back to you. do you have anywhere to go? i'm sure your mom will keep the two of you until you get back on your feet. JUST GET OUT! <br />
great job in taking the first step to a happier and healthier life. i'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

My prayers are with you. Mental illness is ugly, unfair, and costly. Damaging, only the power of God can undo chaos. I hope you are doing okay and you've found some support. Be strong and do what you know is right.

@lidial I do need to take issue with your statement that "BPD does not go away at all." that is untrue. SOME borderlines require treatment forever, some do not. Some get treatment, meds (a small help) and therapy (a HUGE help). Some people learn the skills necessary to function in happy and fulfilling careers, relationships, and families. I understand that many people here have had bad experiences with people who are ill, but we are ill not monsters. You do not have to stay, hell if you want do not even feel bad about leaving, but some of the attitudes I am seeing are ba<x>sed solely on misconceptions and fear.<br />
<br />
"Most important for people on this forum to realize is that this is a mental illness where someone cannot control their rage and will then take their frustrations out on their loved ones, with brutality, hitting, emotional abuse and the like."<br />
That is ONE possible symptom of Borderline. I do have rage issues. I am incredibly brutal when they burst through. I have never EVER hit, hurt, emotionally abused, or injured anyone due to my BPD. Have I said mean things, yes. Have you ever said something mean when YOU are angry? Usually I am perfectly content to just hurt myself. Most people never know it happened and does not harm anyone but me.<br />
<br />
And as to Borderline "Going Away" there are as of the DSM-IV-TR 9 diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. You need to meet 5 of them to be diagnosed. Through therapy many people, including Kiera Van Gelder, an author, reduce the number of symptoms which then removes the diagnosis. <br />
I know the people who have joined this group are hurting due to this disease. I know that not every Borderline is me, or the friends I have. I know that there are Borderlines who fit all 9 of the criteria and can hurt people in many ways. I also know that in life some people are ********. If they happen to have Borderline, it makes them an ******* with Borderline.<br />
<br />
Just for some info here is the DSM info on Borderline. And for those of you in relationships with Borderlines may I recommend some reading, Sometimes I Act Crazy, I Hate You Don't Leave Me, Stop Walking On Egg Shells. There are more but these are the best I know.<br />
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines borderline personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:[1][14]<br />
<br />
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:<br />
<br />
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5<br />
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.<br />
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.<br />
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5<br />
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.<br />
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).<br />
Chronic feelings of emptiness<br />
Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).<br />
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms<br />
<br />
It is a requirement of DSM-IV that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of general personality disorder criteria.<br />
<br />
I am sorry if my presence or comments upset anyone. I am not trying to take away from the pain and abuse you have experienced, I am just saying.... we are not ALL the same. We are individual human beings with as many a variety in symptoms as there are individuals who suffer with them.

i believe i am in the same situation, but for me when i try to leave he just brings out the guilt card saying "i left my family for you, if you leave i will hav nobody, so i have NOTHING to live for" & treatens to kill himself...how am i supposed to get away from that? i am more afraid that he will hurt my family if i were to leave him. he knows where they live. so i just have to train myself to be happy & be good. & it does feel like you are fake. i try to bottle everything up, but sometimes i expolde. its difficult to try to be a happy/good person all the time...i feel your pain. luckily we dont have any children yet. that would be a whole other problem. i hope things turn out better for...

My fist stepfather was this way as well so I clearly understand where you are coming from. However, he wouldn't allow my mom to leave. He would beat her into submission and seriously threatened to kill whoever she was friends with. The state had to take us away for our safety so that she could fight for her freedom back from him. The sad part of my life is that I still meet men of this nature and even though I wasn't in a relationship with any of them there was still a strong fight for me to be able to stand my own ground and not submit to their control and abuse. The best thing to do would be to leave him because he's not going to change unless he makes a conscious effort too.

I can only tell you my own story, I spent 22+ yrs w/ an SPD husband, I have 2 kids and I look back and not 1 day goes by that I don't regret not leaving sooner than I did. I can say that nothing you or anyone else an say or do is going to change the relationship , no matter how much you want it to. I have spent many hours in counseling with myself & my children and can honestly say its done a world of good. I think you would benefit immensely form doing the same. You cannot change him and he will be exactly the same next year and the year after.. You will never have the life you want unless you make it for yourself and your child. I spent 3 full yrs researching PD's and talked to many people who all ended up saying the same. I wish you courage and strength and a big hug - If u want to talk msg. me.

I can only tell you my own story, I spent 22+ yrs w/ an SPD husband, I have 2 kids and I look back and not 1 day goes by that I don't regret not leaving sooner than I did. I can say that nothing you or anyone else an say or do is going to change the relationship , no matter how much you want it to. I have spent many hours in counseling with myself & my children and can honestly say its done a world of good. I think you would benefit immensely form doing the same. You cannot change him and he will be exactly the same next year and the year after.. You will never have the life you want unless you make it for yourself and your child. I spent 3 full yrs researching PD's and talked to many people who all ended up saying the same. I wish you courage and strength and a big hug - If u want to talk msg. me.

I am so glad I found this because I think I have some perspective to add. I too have BPD. I am that hot mess you think about. I was only diagnosed recently after years of just being sedated due to nerves and OCD. I have lost count of the number of relationships I have gone through, where my BPD ruled everything, and everyone.<br />
My last relationship ended in September, he too had BPD, he also has Dependent and Avoidant features. I can tell you with no doubt I love him more than I have any of my partners. I worked my *** off to make things work and I have to admit in his own broken way he did too. <br />
We tried to stay friends and it has been an uphill battle. His own dysfunction causes mine to go off the charts. I become entangled in situations that are so emotionally painful that I feel suicidal. This has gone on for months and months. About 4 weeks ago, something happened, just one thing and it was the one. The ONE last straw. My therapist has advised me to end contact with him. Not because he is a bad person, but because he is a very sick person and his illness causes symptoms that hurt me. <br />
I know what the trap is like. If you have been with a Borderline for this long there is little to no doubt in my mind that this has become an enmeshed co-dependent relationship. It would not have lasted this long without those features. Get yourself some help. This is not something you will be able to just POOF disappear from, any divorce takes time and with him being ill it could be longer. You want to make sure that you have a support system set up for both you and your daughter emotionally before you take any giant steps.<br />
Your post and follow ups indicate to me that you are at that breaking point but do not be mistaken, leaving anyone, especially a Borderline can be tricky. If you feel you are in physical danger, the police will come to your house while you gather your things. Friends and family are nice for help moving things, but the police keep EVERYONES emotions and actions in check, including well meaning family. This does not need to be a circus, and in my recommendation the less of one it is the better for you. The drama will only cause him more distress which can make him act out. <br />
Now from the other side, you once loved this man enough to marry and have children with him. I know he is no longer the person you knew but the man you loved is still in there, so though you cannot stay with him try to treat him with some kindness, this does not mean you have to stay, just do not be more hurtful than need be. <br />
And one more thing, if you can find a group for family members of the mentally ill, it may be a great support system for you in YOUR recovery from this. <br />
I wish you peace and luck.<br />
~pia

Wow you are in a tough situation.I knew someone that left her husband ,who has BPD. She decided to leave quietly when he wasnt around and this may be the best choice for you if it will be a potentially damaging situaiton for you and your child or a violent situation.If you are a christian-I know it can be hard to leave bc we are taught to stay through everything.Also its harder leaving someone with a known disorder because sometimes you can get attatched to the feeling that you are their savior or help.You can feel that without you they may not make it, but he will.<br />
<br />
So you have two options-Stay and work it out the best way you know how or leave.i would do exactly what you want to do because no one knows the situation like you do.Trust yourself.If you think that giving him an ultimatum would work -try it.Tell him you are leaving unless you see him actively seeking help for the sake of his family and put a time limit on it.Say within 3 months you will be gone if you don't see him actively trying.<br />
<br />
Charity<br />
www.charityjh.com

Can someone tell me how these people act? I live with a man who sometimes appears to calm, in control, etc. and at other times, is a raging maniac. I fear leaving him because I fear how vindictive he will be and he will. I cannot go against his will without WWIII. Thank you anyone.

First , find a lawyer then find a shelter or a place that the lawyer is comfortable with. Then LEAVE!

I have borderline personality disorder and am neurotic too, i t try controll my disoreder because i understand it , i restrain most of the time whats really goin on inside for fear of this disorder effecting my children , your child is getting affected and you know she is , if your partner can not change you must leave you can not put the young lady threw this our childhoods are what mould us , BPD is mostly ba<x>sed on upbringin do you want the cycle to continue ? be strong x

Step into the unknown. This man is killing you slowly everyday. This is not marriage. Your marriage ended already. Move out!

I commend you for your awareness of the problems. But, although your willingness to endure the abuse is noble, the fact that your daughter is the one suffering, you r are causing damage to her, by your failure to take action, in an effort to spare her of her mental health, in the present and future..<br />
<br />
Good Luck.

*hugs* i'm so sorry babe, noone deserves to be so unhappy

you must leave it's the only way guys like us get help<br />
you must leave and never look back <br />
for your daughter him and your self <br />
take it from an *** hole <br />
with out help I can't hold my temper <br />
I am a better person with my hep but like any thing els theirs room for improvement

Something must be done for the daughter's sake.

Sad to say I am the same way as your husband <br />
with me I snap and yell and brake things <br />
its a frustration thing no one understands but at the same time I don't ether <br />
It has gotten so it recked a marriage of 14 years<br />
Its bad enough that I have to be on drugs and therapy.<br />
Maybe it helps but its just that I have some one I can talk to.<br />
Maybe its the drug but I do let go of anger faster <br />
Maybe it's that I lost my wife of 14 years<br />
With the new wife theirs not a day that goes by that I wish I was dead.<br />
I don't hit but I am scary when I go off .<br />
But I don't know why I go off and I wish it would stop.

i was with a man like that 14 years ago he wouldnt stop hitting me when i was pregnant with his son also he used to beat my 2 year old, i left him, 9 years later his son wanted to meet him, he convinced me he had changed so we got got married i left him almost 4 moths ago, in the two short years we were married he had beaten numerous times on one occassion he threw me into a kitchen bench i was disabled lost my six year job. The last fight we had he punched my 15 yr old in the head, i left with the clothes i had and a few important things, he destroyed and sold everything i owned, i now have next to nothing cannot work or support myself. He admits to having a bad temper, but never admitted to abuse, always bought me things.and said he loved me, yet i was always in fear of him. I loved the good times and he was my true love. I just wanted him to be nice no matter what i did he always found some reason to fight, my heart still hurts that my true love cant treat us kindly, wouldnt stop smoking pot, wouldnt get a job and still makes it out to be my fault. But the damage he has left is untold. Its nice to hear a man say what you have said and I hope you can get help.

babe the good of your relationship is the life you have created between the both of you, sometimes when people come together we are so in love and we never want that to end but life's hardships takes its tolls on us. it takes a lot these days to keep two people together, and it seems the harder we work the harder it gets. the harder you try to please him the harder it gets to please him, and in case you haven't figured it out and i am not trying to hurt you or make you mad babe only the truth. if you do not know but your daughter may pick a man just like him in the future. and you can say no, but the reality is if it was good enough for mom it can or maybe good enough for me. if you don't have the strength to leave him, because of the time you have spent together or the love you have for him. then do it for her, your babe give her the rest of her childhood happy. let her know mom is not taking the crap no more and she should never either. show your daughter your strengths not your weekness's and yes its hard but you are not alone there are people to help you, i have never seen you, don't know you but ill be here for you if you need someone. see you have taken your first step keep reaching babe pray to our father. also you are stronger than you realize it takes a strong person to put up with what you are going through, a weak person couldn't. hold your head high babe, but remember you can not fix a person if he chooses not to be fixed.

It's been almost two months now and I'm doing ok. I feel strange not having to look over my shoulder all the time. I'm scared of laughing to hard or getting lost in the moments I'm sharing with my daughter these days, it feels like a dream that I can be awakened from at any time. So basically, I'm coping financially although not as well as I would have wanted, but there's food to eat, clothes to wear, etc and all these things neither me or my daughter take for granted. The small things are the best...feeling the sunshine, smelling the morning air, me and baby laughing at each other and playing...it's the best. I'm doing well in my job, finding my feet. I have taken out a restraining order but they don;t know where he is so the police sent it back to the court. He must now collect it there before 20 January as we will have to be in court together so I can state my side and get the restraining order made permanent. I will update as soon as I can.

I hope you are doing all right. It is so hard to leave someone you love who is sick. I wish you all the best.

I hope you are doing all right. It is so hard to leave someone you love who is sick. I wish you all the best.

I did it...now I must be strong for me and my daughter's future!

I feel lost, lonely and scared.<br />
I feel like a ghost - can't sleep, can't eat.<br />
In fact, I look like a ghost - pale, thin, fragile.<br />
I keep expecting to break into tears at any moment but it just doesn't come.<br />
I made arrangements.<br />
Contrary to the initial plan of a 'great escape' I have decided to put myself through the worst case scenario.<br />
Everything out in the open with witnesses / protection.<br />
My eyes are scared of the light...I have been hiding in the dark long enough.

I just realised that if I want to leave - I have to do it on my own...no-one there to support me, hold my hand, stand up for me when he starts screaming and yelling like a banshee...I have to go at this on my own...if ever there was a time for me to be bull-headed - this is it. I gave myself long enough to be his project...my torture is slow and painful and I'm growing weaker with each dose...I cannot afford my daughter to doubt me any more...I have to do this! <br />
<br />
It sickens me to think about all the time wasted, love wasted on a poor excuse for a man...I hope that he will turn to God soon because I'm taking me and my daughter out of that house (that I am paying rent for) at the end of this very week. Pray for me, God Bless.<br />
<br />
I will update as soon as I can.

When someone's in a sick relationship for a long time they adjust to it and become sick themselves. You're clearly attached to this man so prepare for finding it incredibly difficult to leave him. You will need a lot of support and also you will need to do some recovery work yourself to overcome your adaption to this relationship. It's worth seeing a therapist right now to get on track... otherwise you may well find that despite your resolve, you never leave.

I wish you all the best of luck, don't wait just do it now.<br />
<br />
I was deeply i love with a woman who had BPD. She randomly informed me that she was not coming to be with me on my birthday this year and I have not heard from her since. While it still tears my heart out to think about her, the experiances of people who stayed in a bad place make me greatfull that I was abandond not abused otherwise. <br />
<br />
please excuse the spelling.<br />
good luck.<br />
<br />
Xen.

I have left before, early morning, packed an overnight <br />
<br />
bag the night before, got all important documents I <br />
<br />
would need like clinic card, etc. I just got dressed, <br />
<br />
got baby dressed and set off. I did not know what I was <br />
<br />
doing just that I was getting myself out. I came back <br />
<br />
due to the fact that I was gonna stand by him with this <br />
<br />
new awareness of BPD and the difference in treatment of <br />
<br />
his anxiety, looking back that was such a cheap trick. <br />
<br />
It was pride that made me stay but it's really pride <br />
<br />
that's gonna make me leave him - not just leave but <br />
<br />
really seperate myself from him (my daughter too, at <br />
<br />
least for now). <br />
<br />
The other reason why I came back is because I never felt <br />
<br />
I said what I needed to, and that is, 'I can't live with <br />
<br />
you anymore'. This time around I have to say it in his <br />
<br />
face and walk out, that's the only way for my soul to <br />
<br />
find peace.<br />
<br />
I tell you this guy is almost psychic. He's all over me <br />
<br />
these days, smiling and complimenting, he even opened <br />
<br />
the car door for me, and 'oh, the lunch you prepared on <br />
<br />
Sunday was out of this world'...like he can sense <br />
<br />
something's changed, something has been changed forever. <br />
<br />
He has such a need to know everything. He tells me over <br />
<br />
and over how I'm going to leave him and that he'll <br />
<br />
understand because 'I am a very difficult person to live <br />
<br />
with'. Usually when he declares something, be prepared <br />
<br />
for the total opposite.

Have you ever left him? How did he react? I'm afraid he might not tolerate it. From what you're saying he sounds very egocentric. Don't you think the best would be to set off and go far away?

he has been diagnosed with severe anxiety 20 years ago. <br />
<br />
he has been using prescription med's to self medicate <br />
<br />
with. he believes that it's the people around him and <br />
<br />
the odd financial stress that pushes him over the edge <br />
<br />
occasionally.<br />
<br />
everybody tells him to just relax. they tell me what i <br />
<br />
should do to calm him down. they tell me what not to do <br />
<br />
in case i'm the one annoying him.<br />
<br />
about 5/6 years ago i printed him a list of indicators <br />
<br />
(for bpd) and he was very exited about it. that's about <br />
<br />
as far as it went.<br />
<br />
he toyed with the idea of seeing a doctor again as he's <br />
<br />
suffering financially at the moment and it is taking <br />
<br />
it's toll on him mentally. i mentioned the bpd, and <br />
<br />
asked if he was prepared to give it a go. i mean if you <br />
<br />
can have a chance at a diagnoses that gives you access <br />
<br />
to the treatment you need, why not??<br />
<br />
he became angry, told me to stop trying to understand <br />
<br />
things that are clearly over my head, women today try to <br />
<br />
be so clever, i wanna undermine him, etc etc etc etc i <br />
<br />
just kept my mouth shut for the hour he ranted on.<br />
<br />
so, he's ill and he does not want treatment. i am so <br />
<br />
done with this cherade. i'm so done. i even said i will <br />
<br />
go see someone (a doctor) too, as he has mentioned my <br />
<br />
bad anger management skills need deeper investigation <br />
<br />
:-) he says that i'm not feminine enough to understand <br />
<br />
what my place in the household is etc etc etc.<br />
<br />
i can't keep looking at myself through his eyes, i'm <br />
<br />
gonna lose everything that's important to me.<br />
<br />
oh yes, this one doctor i contacted with a list of hubby's symptoms also seems uninterested in my comments. even the professionals are no help.

Ok...you need to wake up and smell the coffee. I have been where you are and it does not get any better. Spent the big bucks on shrinks for her, me and both. Does not work. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink. Where you are is where I was a few years ago and I did the same thing...trying to keep it together for the kids and hanging on to the good memories. It will only get worse. I was on the verge of suicide and I still feel myself sliding back once in a while towards that dark abyss that is there. You will get to a very, very dark place and I hope and pray you make a move before that happens to you. No one can explain how bad the pain of being there is unless they have been there themselves. I have been and am terrified of back sliding towards it again. Once I managed to free myself from the relationship, it was as if that great weight you feel in your chest each and every day, had been lifted off of me and I was free once again to enjoy the sunshine and warmth of life. It is a daily battle even now to keep from back sliding but well worth the struggle. Please, do NOT go where I have been...and you ARE heading there...more quickly than you can imagine. If you ever want to talk about it, I can be here for you. I only wish that I had someone who knew exactly how I felt and where I had been and how dark it is. I have set this to notify me of new comments so, if you do respond, I will give you my email. I do this only because I feel that I need to give back something...if I can help even ONE person to not have to go where I have been, then I will feel like I accomplished something and know why I was spared the pain. Take care, Ralph

Its very difficult to leave them... all i can suggest is to ask your brother and mother to be there when you do it. make sure your daughter is in a safe place when you collect your things. you CAN do it. Think of the life you want to give your daughter. once you know what it is to live in peace you will never look back.

Move on, if he is violent, make sure there's no potential arm around.

Thanks for all the honest comments. I see positive <br />
<br />
criticism from total strangers and I appreciate that. <br />
<br />
Reading my story today was surreal. I have been loving <br />
<br />
this man 'from a distance' for years now, I might as <br />
<br />
well get out and show my daughter what it's like to <br />
<br />
really live and love in PEACE. I could fool myself into <br />
<br />
loving and believing him...my daughter was born to us, <br />
<br />
knowing little else...if she has to hate me for leaving <br />
<br />
her father I will rather take that on me than have her <br />
<br />
soak up all this nonsense. If I could leave today, I <br />
<br />
would. So what is it that's keeping me..? Do I still <br />
<br />
think I can love him into WANTING to heal - NO. Can I <br />
<br />
make him believe that he is destroying him relationship <br />
<br />
with his fa,ily - NO. Does he love me like Christ loves <br />
<br />
His church - NO NO NO. So how can I leave my and my <br />
<br />
daughter's life in his hands...I am so sick of being <br />
<br />
weak I WANT to heal...should I crawl away with my last <br />
<br />
ounce of dignity and start living...writing about it <br />
<br />
makes me want to throw up, my stomach turns, I get <br />
<br />
goosebumps and my head spins, my mouth becomes dry...I <br />
<br />
can taste freedom. I know that if I say I'm gonna leave <br />
<br />
I can't be alone in the house with him so I'm going to <br />
<br />
have to arrange something where there are people - who <br />
<br />
have concern for ME - present. Maybe my brother and <br />
<br />
mother. We gonna have to hold him down though because <br />
<br />
BPD's act like the demon posessed sometimes, or, they <br />
<br />
are all calm and unreal so I wanna be prepared. What <br />
<br />
then? Oh God...I wanna throw up. SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME <br />
<br />
SOME ADVICE ON THIS TOPIC (LEAVING A BORDERLINE) OR JUST <br />
<br />
A REALITY CHECK EITHER WAY APPRECIATE IT!!!!!

You'll find a way. I know you tried really hard but don't give up. If you want to leave then leave I'd say. It's all up to you. It'll be hard for you. Definitely. When things get tough, you need to get tough, too? It's never hopeless. If you don't find a way to fix this then leaving is a better solution. Then you'll have more doors opening for you rather being stuck in a routine. One day you will talk to your daughter. She might not understand. She might hate you for what you did. Later on you'll definitely find a way to express yourself. There's a whole world out there to offer lots of things for you. Stay strong. :)

My ex is a diagnosed narcissistic sosiopath. I was a relationship from hell. I spent thousands on therapy and counselling trying to fix the relationship, because I loved him so much. I realised that my son was the one suffering in this emotionally abusive relationship. He got screamed at for everything and my ex was really harsh on him. I realised what i was putting my son and myself through. And I thought for what..... for someone who does not give a damn about us or how he treats us or makes us feel. <br />
<br />
I ended the relationship, something I wish I did a long time ago. I can not tell you the inner peace, calm and serenity my son and I have now. Our whole live changed in a wink of an eye. I feel guilty for what I put my son through for so long. <br />
<br />
You can not reverse the damage done to children. If not for yourself do it for your child. What you doing to her is worse than what your husband is doing to both of you..... because you can put a stop to it. Take that step and save your daughter

My father has borderline personality. He was on about every illegal drug from what I hear. My mom and him divorced when I was a toddler. Never saw him after that. I was told that he brainwashed my bother and I. Supposedly we would randomly cry about stuff. I don't remember any of it. Once I turned 18 (I am 23 now) I was given letters that he had written my brother and I. In the letters he tried to brainwash me again by badmouthing my mom. I was filled with an urge to find him, see who he was and what he is like. I wanted to fill the void in my life from growing up without a dad. I found out that he had been living on the streets, and was in and out of prison a lot. He is in there right now because I chose to ignore his last letter to me. In all his letters he didn't care about how I was doing or what I was up to. All he wanted was me or any family member to send him some money or write to a judge telling him that I wanted my father back home. He even wrote out exactly what to write to the judge. I had counseling to get through all this, but now I have no interest in finding him.<br />
What I am trying to say is that you should divorce him. Yes, I went through a lot of crap growing up, but with good parenting from my mom I'd like to think I turned out good. Your daughter will go through some tough times, but give her support. Explain the situation to her when she is old enough to understand. You will be happier, and your daughter will be happier because of a better living environment. Don't think about his feelings. If he really cared he would get some help! Plus nothing is stopping you or your daughter from visiting him after the divorce. Maybe he is only good in small douses.

for gods sake in this day and age when there is so so much knowledge and understanding of the situation that you are, nearly 30 and all you can do is write about on here stop subjecting your daughter to abuse and dam well do something about your situation !!!! for the sake of your self and her !!!!!! yes this is a hard line ! Live or die your choice !!!! make a choice for real !!!!

Yes, you gave a good answer,so realistic,
What a nice words,
I past them,

God, that was a bit harsh! If life were that beautifully simple there would be no


literature, no art, nothing in life about the tensions of being a human being. Life and love is so complicated. Look at your own family if you need evidence.

Ohh dear what a wisdom shared.:-) love it

I have to go with whitedrsgonfly on this.

Life is hard, make your choice and action it.

Tough love isn't wrong, it's different from what most people know. Maybe we could all benighted from brutal honesty more often.