Post

Fire & Ice

I am too hurt and angered to write anything positive today. I feel better knowing that I found a place where I can vent and support, but bad because my situation will never change. I feel like I step into a Hitchcock movie every morning I wake up. I have nothing left but the ability to defend myself against him and the guilt of what I'm putting my daughter through.

No-one knows the real me. Not even my daughter. Not even me. I was 19 when I started this relationship, I'll be 30 in a few months. There's no doubt I have changed and grown as a person. Feels like I will never have the opportunity to find out. The controlling and manipulation is so much a part of me that I think I've lost the concept of free will. All my senses are dulled and I feel like a fake.

My daughter is growing up independant (in a sense) because she senses that no-one can have any issues/drama in her household but her father. Our arguments make her retreat into her own world. The more I try to say things to make the argument stop the worse it gets and to her I seem like I am enjoying myself just as much or even more than her father. 

Most days I autopilot because otherwise I'll go completely crazy. I'm under as much voluntary solitary as I am being kept there against my will. I know I can leave anytime I want but how do you leave the bad without leaving the good? We love him so much but we will never be happy, and free to love him the way we really want to.
monalisahasbpd monalisahasbpd 26-30, F 88 Responses Jun 2, 2010

Your Response

Cancel

you ask.."how do you leave the bad without leaving the good.."
I'm wondering, if the sense of peace and protection for your daughter is not there, what amount and what type of 'good' in your opinion is worth the effects of the lack of security and support which your daughter would be feeling?

children are not really children- they're adults in the making- what better lesson to teach your beloved daughter- than the one where you put her welfare and needs before anyone else's? what better way to teach her she is worthy of love and protection? what better way than to show her ?

Wow! So true. I have been with my hubby for 35 years...and now I am seeing that not only has it been hard on my kids....but that my 2 youngest sons.....may possibly have it too! Both are now living on the streets...using drugs. my hubby went on meds....after he thought I was going to leave him. Not for me....not for the kids....not for our family....just so he wouldn't be alone. How sad is that? :) They helped but I think he is either not taking them.....or has built up a tolerance to them.

He has his good side....and mostly....that is what he shows to the entire world. He saves his self loathing for me and himself. A real Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. :) We fought yesterday and i spent most of Father's day, alone. I'm sure today...he will be nice. We are either fighting, getting along or we are ignoring each other's existence. And I never know when or how that will all change from day to day...or moment to moment. Our kids just stay away. Who can blame them. He doesn't seem to care....as I'm sure.....he sees no reason for them to want to be around him. He views himself as worthless.....I miss them terribly.

Thats deep, I have no idea what to say about that. I am living this life as well but we have no children but I do have a little boy who watches his side shows and its just too much at times really most of the time really all the time lol well you gotta laugh to keep from crying

I truly understand your dispare at the thought of leaving your husband, but how can you sacrifice your daughters emotional and mental health for a selfish feeling. Trust me, I didn't do what I should have to protect my children's mental health from my own mental dependency on the man I loved, that love. It deeply effected my children and my relationship with my children, which was damaged. Now I am alone with no man and neither of my children. I'm not a bad person, as I'm sure you are not, but I wish someone would have shouted in my face at the time to STOP and let me see how much I was damaging my children by thinking that my love for a man was more important than their emotional well-being. STOP and give your daughter the chance to live life without the damage of living with parents that are screwed up enablers, please, please! It is more important for her to be healthy mentally than it is for her to live with her father. He doesn't have to stay away from her, he can still be in your lives...but at least she won't have to go through your damaged relationship every day, and where she lives and should feel safe and secure. Safe and secure also includes mentally, if you have any doubts!

I agree. My kids are adults and 3 out of 5 are still struggling with substances, and most likely have inherited BPD from their dad.....as if watching us fight.........Really...........watching him pick fights with me daily, wasn't enough! My poor kids! The grief and depression are overwhelming! Get help!

I feel ya! My son lived with his bpd father figure from the time he was 8 until he graduated college. I feel I lost so many years with him because I focused on the black hole and not my son.I regret he got the years he did (my 30s and 40s) and wish I could go back and make different choices. They are sick forever, there is no cure. Save yourself and your baby.

I am so sorry. I'm also in a bad relationship full of control and anger. I am ill and have no way of moving. I see others comment about leaving but I know what it is like to be trapped and not have family members or friends who can help. Plus the anger and the pets and the control and the kids...<br />
I realize how hard it is on you and my kids were raised in such an environment also which always broke my heart and made me so sad.<br />
I use visualization a lot to get me through the years. I live in a dream world, fantasize a lot about another life. I get lost in books. I listen to Louise L. Hays and others like her on youtube to try and help keep myself built up. When I have some quiet, alone time I'm often listening to positive affirmations on youtube to try and build myself up inside. It's about the best thing I've ever been able to find to help me.<br />
So sorry..my thoughts are with you

I am so sorry. I'm also in a bad relationship full of control and anger. I am ill and have no way of moving. I see others comment about leaving but I know what it is like to be trapped and not have family members or friends who can help. Plus the anger and the pets and the control and the kids...<br />
I realize how hard it is on you and my kids were raised in such an environment also which always broke my heart and made me so sad.<br />
I use visualization a lot to get me through the years. I live in a dream world, fantasize a lot about another life. I get lost in books. I listen to Louise L. Hays and others like her on youtube to try and help keep myself built up. When I have some quiet, alone time I'm often listening to positive affirmations on youtube to try and build myself up inside. It's about the best thing I've ever been able to find to help me.<br />
So sorry..my thoughts are with you

I found this in another comment in a different story but I think it's worth it for you to review . website www.ndvh.org on there it will have disc<x>riptions of abuse, help if you want to leave, or they offer counseling. <br />
Be prepared for him to "fight" for you and play every mind game in the book to get you back . Get a lawyer and sever contact for awhile. You may not think you need a VPO but it helps. There are entire organizations that help women get out of these situations . Take care

I'd really just focus on your daughter. It's your responsibility to provide her with a healthy environment, so if not for yourself, do it for her.<br />
<br />
I really empathize with your situation. It's so hard to leave someone you love. But I think focusing on others can strengthen your will, because you can't justify it as much with "I'll be fine anyway" or "but I really love him."

I can relate with what you're going through.I'm in a similar marriage but I decided some months ago that I'm gonna stand up for myself and things are really improving.He's shocked to see me standing up to him since he's not used to it but he's gonna have to deal with it because he insists on having me in hi life.I love him,but I love my kids more & I'm doing this for me & them.

I am so sorry for all you have had to endure. There is truly only one solution to this problem, and that is to leave. PD people very rarely (easier to say never) change, because they cannot see that there problems are created by themselves. This means there is no hope for a successful marriage, and any children would be highly at risk. --- Your husband will do virtually everything and anything to try to prevent you from leaving, because he won't want to lose the ob<x>ject he can control. So you must plan your exit extremely well, set up everything in advance, then disappear from his life without trace. As precaution, tell the police what you are doing, so as to set off a hunt. Don't tell your closest friends and relatives till after the move, and don't give them your contact details for at least 18 months to 2 years. If you have to change jobs that's OK, but if you stay in your job you will have to ensure that only your boss knows where you live, and change your work hours, mode of transport and route. And don't forget things like bank accounts.<br />
I wish you all the best.<br />
Next time around, you'll know how to recognise a personality disorder from miles away! :)

I stayed in such a marriage for all of the same reasons that you mentioned in your original post. I finally left when my oldest daughter developed anorexia from all of the stress and shouted "I can't live like this anymore!". I packed up my four kids and moved out that night. Fast forward 3 years and my kids and I are the happiest we've ever been, and honestly, so is my husband. <br />
<br />
My oldest daughter has had a tough road through the healing process. I stayed because I thought it was best for my kids and truly, it was the worst thing I could have done. I got out before my other kids were old enough to really get what was going on. Funny thing, is the oldest was just as mad at me as she was for my husband. She believed I had the power to remove her front the pain of our family yet I didn't. <br />
<br />
My advice, get out now! Far more damage is occurring to your daughter than you can possible know. Good luck to you. You are in my prayers...and so is your daughter.

You are too young to live the rest of your life without happiness and love and peace and joy. Only u can decide but at the end of the day you and your daughter deserve better in the one life you both have to live and grow to your full potential. I wish you everything of the best.

omg I just read your story he sounds just like my daughters father he had borderline/narcissistc and sociapthic personality disorders only diagnosed last year he has put us through hell and back literally and I don't care what others say it took me so so much before I left it was shcocking I have to still go through **** just to keep him away and away from court he can not be left with my daughter I cant beleive I have just joined and have found some one who has been through the same thing I never ever thought it was possible I want to tell you so much you are so so so so strong NOT WEAK I thought I was too then I put everything on paper in a timeline and omg I realized I am not weak

The best I can tell you is to GO ON...I know you and your daughter love him because even though he is volatile...that's whose been in you and your daughter's life. But your never gonna be happy, not just because of him but because you wont let go. Let go for you and for your daughter, you're teaching her negativity. So take your daughter and yourself once you've made a better situation for the two of you and go on and start a life there. I wouldn't even let him know where I lived because he could try to come and start up drama at your new residence. But the decision lies in you, if your truly ready to help yourself and wanna be freed. May God be with you.

There are a lot of issues here and they need to be addressed one by one. The first it both you, husband and daughter need counciling. Have to spoken to a doctor, minister, or councelor yet? If you have chosen to leave and are afraid of what he might do when you tell him you can always have a police officer with you so you gather your things. You can also gradually take your things out if you have a place to put them. A question you need to ask yourself is are your afraid to leave and b e on your own? Are you working where you can support your daughter and your self? We can pray for you but you are going to have to make some tough decisions soon before someone or both of you get hurt physically. Be sure to see your minister/priest for spiritual quidance also.

Move out. Gee. How many times have you heard that.

I totally relate to this topic, my daughter is now 14 and in trying to keep her parents together, and keeping her with the father she so loved (because when he lives you you feel like you are the most important person in the world, which for both if us use to be most of the time). Everyone has bad days and issues. He taught me when you live someone you don't turn your back on them ( he stood by me through my weakest moments). I tried to do the same for him as the good days got further and further apart over the years. Now my daughter blamed me for everything, if I try to leave she refuses to go, if he leaves she goes with him. The dynamics of our marriage have changed over the last 5 years. He had his own business we started together and did pretty well for about 10 years, he put me thru nursing school. And although he has struggled with substance abuse he always tried to do better and was very successful with his recovery at times. Now I am the bread winner of the family and has gotten worse. Yesterday he went on a binge on called harassed my co-workers and employer, today he acts like nothing happened (stayed with fam last night, I knew what the rage would lead to if I came home). My daughter wasn't here for this one (only reason I didn't feel like I had to come home). Sick as I know it is I love him, I know that will never go away. Co- dependent? At this point, not really anymore, finally ( after 2 years if torture) I could leave him, but not without her. She is strong willed, I know she is already so screwed up by me staying to long, but I was to weak to be without him (I thought). We have been together 20 years, I keep the peace as much as possible and every time he takes off for days to weeks at a time, I do my best to "let it go" when he comes home. I do feel like you should stand behind your vowels, would it be right to leave your spouse bc they had cancer or some other disease? But then I see my daughter who I have lost ( and some of it may be the usual mother daughter teenage stuff, she needs to separate herself from me and find her own sense of self). Lately I feel so stuck and after the loss if my father to suicide in march, u sometimes wonder if maybe he to had so much internalized pain that he just could not bare it anymore, this has helped with the anger phase and I don't think I would ever do such a thing bc I do first hand know the pain it leaves behind. My advice us......I don't have a feaking clue! I KNOW I had to be sick in the first place to be drawn into this relationship in the first place. But, I am growing and he seems to be going in reverse. My career is on the verge of exploding with a new opportunity and I don't want to leave him behind, and I want my daughter back. My heads all over the place, right along with my heart. Think badly of me if you want, I can see now I've made some bad choices. EVERDAY I have to see my choices and how they have affected the people I love. Hind sight is 20/20, isn't that what they say? I wish all of you the best. I will keep you and as well as mine in my prayers. Thanks for letting me share. I have to keep so much of my life hid from the outside world!

I divorced my sociopath, and I thought I could control the amount of influence he would have by allowing or not allowinghimto see the kids when he was using drugs and/or off his meds. What a complete fool I was! I allowed him to remain connected to his kids, and all that did was give him more people to prey on and leech off of. He would take their Christmas gifts back for the money, sell their property....and I'm not even going to list the countless things he did. I kept working around him and working around him. When his ridiculous behavior didn't get a rise out of me, he began brainwashing my kids. He enlisted my son to call Child Protective Services and tell them I'm an alcoholic, drug addict, emotionally and physically abusive, I refuse my son medical attention and when I get it, I steal his meds. I'm a teacher. This is career ruining stuff! And he knew that, too. He filled my son so full of lies my son wouldn't speak to me and when he did he called me a ****. GET YOUR CHILD AWAY FROM THIS MAN! You will NEVER be able to forgive yourself. My kids were fine until he started the brainwashing when they were 15 and 16. Now, they're a mess. My son is a homeless drug addict and alcoholic. My daughter refuses to take care of herself. They're 20 and 21 now. I was astounding to see how profoundly he destroyed all of us in just a few short years.

I just found this site after being in a relationship with a bpd man for 25 years. I think for me <br />
The most difficult thing is realizing that my needs have to be met outside the relationship. <br />
I have never had an affair, I do have some really close friends that happen to be men. It<br />
Is such comfort to know that I am capable of healthy relationships. I could leave too but my<br />
Kids have suffered enough! Their dad's drama is more than any child should go through and<br />
Being married to him is way, way less drama than trying to go through a nasty divorce. I can <br />
Just imagine all his "triggers" going off all at once. Abandonment is the worst thing they face.<br />
So for me I'm in it for the long haul.

www.fullstores.com <br />
!free shipping!<br />
j0rdan sh0es........ 28 dollar<br />
c0ach p-u-r-s-e...... 25 dollar<br />
c00gi cl0thes........ 20 dollar<br />
U.G.G B00ts.......... 39 dollar<br />
Dear Friend:<br />
We can supply all kind jersey with good quality and low price. contact me, let's talk details.<br />
Delivery time: 5-6days, Shipping Method: EMS<br />
Newest stock list: every 3-5days updated<br />
Warm Regards,<br />
Carolyn<br />
<br />
www.fullstores.com

www.fullstores.com <br />
!free shipping!<br />
j0rdan sh0es........ 28 dollar<br />
c0ach p-u-r-s-e...... 25 dollar<br />
c00gi cl0thes........ 20 dollar<br />
U.G.G B00ts.......... 39 dollar<br />
Dear Friend:<br />
We can supply all kind jersey with good quality and low price. contact me, let's talk details.<br />
Delivery time: 5-6days, Shipping Method: EMS<br />
Newest stock list: every 3-5days updated<br />
Warm Regards,<br />
Carolyn<br />
<br />
www.fullstores.com

im so sorry to hear what your going through! i dont have any kids but i can sympathize! i want to leave and know i can but im still afraid to leave everything behind. ive met someone in ep im falling in love with and im so ready to just pack my bags and leave! worst thing though is he live in another country! not to mention i myself an bipolar, ocd, and add! none of which help my situation! anyhow if you ever wanna chat please feel free to message me id love to chat!

I've gotten away and it was hard. I had to spark a violent fight in order for him to leave, via cop car.He had a Step-Dad that he moved in with. I had a restraining order delivered to him by a poloce officer. That put him in the right fr<x>ame of mind. He was freaked out about the 'idea' of cops. To have one knock on the door and talk to him Really set him straight. Haven't seen him since. He moved out of state. No Dad is waaay better than Bad Dad. We R doing great and my daughter never asks about him. She's 5 and in her own world where everybody's happy and nobody fight anymore :) God Bless and good luck. You R a Mom like me and you know what a Momma bear does, she protects her cub no matter what.

ok, well i was married at age 19, stayed with him and did my best for 25-26 years...currently im newly married to wonderful man i adore and ive learned to stop and smell the roses. first husband was sweet guy but it got very tedious...so i made myself take step back...older children are angry...but i have a life. so yeah, oh i hear u sweetie, but have courage...u will find a way.

This sounds very much like being married to a man with Asperger's Syndrome. You should check out www.meetup.com and search for the group "Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Family of Adults with ASD." On the message boards you would read stories very much like yours.

Hi. I can really relate to what you're going thru. I've also been a controlling manipulative relationship that began when I was 20y/o. Being so young it's easy to excuse jealous and controlling behavior as love. I made the same mistake. I also understand how difficult it is to leave, especially when kids are involved. Luckily the man I'm speaking of wasn't violent and his one saving grace is that he is an exceptional father. However, I've been subject to emotional, mental, and one time physical abuse. I have dealt with jealousy and the never ending questions that go with it. I hope you can somehow find the strength to leave. I did leave for 8mos. I moved back into my parents home and applied for welfare. The state gave me money until they went after him for child support....I did not have to get an attorney or incur any expenses. I was recognized by the state as the custodial parent of my boys (my biggest fear was that he'd try to take my children...a common threat) and if he wanted to fight for custody he had to retain an attorney and fight for them. I also was on foodstamps which was humbling, but I was thankful I didn't have to worry about how I was going to feed my children. I even got a pell grant to pay for school and re-enrolled in college to finish my nursing degree. There are options....help is available....you're not trapped altho I completely understand having that mind-set. Hugs and the best of luck to you.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I can tell you, whether you chose to stay or go, he won't be happy Emotions for him, will always be a confusion. I chose to live by myself because I cannot deal with the emotional upheavals and I am never happy in any relationship anyway. I also found out recently that I have Asperger's Syndrome, I forgot to ask if that made the 1st diagnosis of BPD null and void. There are support groups for AS, I don't know if there are support groups for BPD. While I'm sure he could learn to control his BPD if he wants to, basically, he CAN'T change. Life is too short to spend it being miserable and childhood is the shortest part off our lives. Whatever you decide, decide NOW and act on it NOW.

www.fullstores.com
!free shipping!
j0rdan sh0es........ 28 dollar
c0ach p-u-r-s-e...... 25 dollar
c00gi cl0thes........ 20 dollar
U.G.G B00ts.......... 39 dollar
Dear Friend:
We can supply all kind jersey with good quality and low price. contact me, let's talk details.
Delivery time: 5-6days, Shipping Method: EMS
Newest stock list: every 3-5days updated
Warm Regards,
Carolyn

www.fullstores.com

Start making plans for leaving - money, where to go, other resources. <br />
<br />
My mom stayed married (22 years) to a narcissistic, argumentative, know-it-all, can't-handle-alcohol man. Her self-esteem was ZERO by the time the marriage was over (he left; he'd cheated on her with the wife of a couple they did things with socially). We never knew what kind of mood he'd be in, so we (kids) learned not to ask him anything unless we wanted to get the Angry version of Dad yelling at us like we were complete idiots. And don't let him have some alcohol AND get mad. I was scared to death of him when I was little and he was like that. I still get really nervous/anxious around drunks. <br />
<br />
God, I can still remember those feelings; sometimes he STILL makes me feel that "small," and I'm 47. He's 76 and will probably live into his late 90s. UGH.<br />
<br />
If he doesn't want to get well and won't get help, don't waste anymore of your life with him than you have to! There are men out there who aren't sick and will love you better - after you've gotten strong again. Save yourself; save your daughter. Good luck!

Just stay calm and get yourself into a position to leave, a job and safe home for your daughter...just have your family over when you tell him.