Fire & IceI am too hurt and angered to write anything positive today. I feel better knowing that I found a place where I can vent and support, but bad because my situation will never change. I feel like I step into a Hitchcock movie every morning I wake up. I have nothing left but the ability to defend myself against him and the guilt of what I'm putting my daughter through.
No-one knows the real me. Not even my daughter. Not even me. I was 19 when I started this relationship, I'll be 30 in a few months. There's no doubt I have changed and grown as a person. Feels like I will never have the opportunity to find out. The controlling and manipulation is so much a part of me that I think I've lost the concept of free will. All my senses are dulled and I feel like a fake.
My daughter is growing up independant (in a sense) because she senses that no-one can have any issues/drama in her household but her father. Our arguments make her retreat into her own world. The more I try to say things to make the argument stop the worse it gets and to her I seem like I am enjoying myself just as much or even more than her father.
Most days I autopilot because otherwise I'll go completely crazy. I'm under as much voluntary solitary as I am being kept there against my will. I know I can leave anytime I want but how do you leave the bad without leaving the good? We love him so much but we will never be happy, and free to love him the way we really want to.