Not Married, But I Think My Boyfriend Has Bpd

Two and half years ago I left my fiance for another man. This man was charming, funny, and understanding. He shared he childhood experiences openly and also shared that he had been diagnosed with OCD and has been on medication for it since he was 24. Because he suffered from "Pure O," or pure obession and didn't display many compulsions I thought I could handle it. However, after the first month or so he exposed a side of him that made me uneasy. When I was out with friends he would text me constantly asking what I was doing, who I was talking to, if I was getting any phone numbers, and if I flirted or kissed anyone. I told him no because it was the truth but he didn't accept it and started a texting war. I felt so embarrassed because my friends were perplexed as to why I would even entertain the thought of dating someone like this. Even I was unsure why I was entertaining his ridiculous accussations. I explained to him that nothing was going on and invited him out next time I was with my friends, however, everytime we were out with them he would think he saw me doing something I wasn't or think I said something I didn't and would start a huge argument. I would want to wait and talk about it later, but he would just make a huge emotional display. Needless to say, my friends didn't want to spend time with us when we were together. The accussations, became personal attacks. For example, he called me a sexual deviant because I had one lesbian relationship when I was in high school (over 12 years ago) and I tried to explain that I had a difficult time with men at that time for multiple reasons, he accused me of being cold hearted and unemotional, would say he loved me and then say we needed space, he would get mad if I didn't want to spend all week at his house, etc, etc. We were on and off all of the time, and each time he would threaten suicide and would say that he hoped I could sleep at night knowing that I killed someone. He never actually attempted it though.

He was also very manipulative using phrases like "if you really loved me you would x;" or when I would tell him I couldn't handle how emotional he was he would say something like "how could you just leave someone you love. A person who loved someone wouldn't just do that. You treat me like sh**, and all you do is lie to me." I'm not a pushover, so I would put him in his place and tell him his behavior was childish and that if he really loved someone he wouldn't treat them this way. He would apologize and say I was right and everything would be good for 2 weeks and then it would happen all over again. And, my parents and friends said I wasn't the same happy and positive person anymore. While I was proud of myself for not letting him walk all over me and challenging his behavior, I wondered why I just wouldn't leave if it was this bad. So I did.

He would leave me 10 minute long messages almost everyday about how he messed up and can't live without me, and alternate those with 10 minute long messages about how evil a person I am. I never returned his calls, but three months later I found myself missing the times that were really good. And, the sex was the best I ever had in my life. So we decided to be friends again. Pretty soon afterward we were intimate again and back in a relationship. He asked if I had seen anyone else in that time and I said I hadn't. He told me that a week after we broke up he began seeing an old flame again and told me in detail the intimate things they did explaining that his "OCD made me feel guilty about it and I had to tell you so I wouldn't feel so anxious." He also told me about using a webcam with women he'd meet on the internet, and also joined almost every dating site available on the internet. This kind of made me feel a little grossed out.

The only real life relationship that he's had that has lasted a year was with me. No one else could handle him. He is constantly complaining of headaches, is always tired, and has most recently been back and forth between being distant and selfish and all over me and possessive. Besides that things have been going really "well" for the past two months. There have been some tense moments but nothing like before. After doing research, I think that either he has BPD and OCD or BPD NOT OCD. I've mentioned it to him and he read up on it and says that he can see the parallels. He hates how he acts, he knows it's wrong. He has never abused me physically nor do I think he ever would but he can be very verbally and emotionally abusive. He cries A LOT, and at the drop of a hat, whether it's out of joy or sadness. I love him, I don't want to abandon him and perpetuate these fears he has but I just don't know if I can really committ to this type of relationship, as much as I may want to. I'm at a loss of what to do. We've talked about couples therapy but it's been just talk. I just don't feel I can count on him. How can I, when he can't even count on himself? I haven't really shared my feelings with anyone as I can be a bit private, but I can't keep it in anymore.
sortiz15 sortiz15
26-30, F
3 Responses Aug 10, 2010

Yep, I ended it a couple of months ago. Couldn't be happier!

Thanks for your comment. It's so difficult. I always considered myself a strong no BS kind of woman so I am wondering why I put up with it, and continue to do so. We had a falling out recently regarding plans we made. He wasn't feeling well (meaning anxious) the day before we had planned a trip and encouraged me to make other plans. When I did, he completely flipped out and decided he wanted to go ahead with our plans. I decided to go ahead with my new plans with my roommate to attend a music festival. He bitched and moaned about it via text and voicemails, but I just didn't answer them. When I got home, after a weekend of pure bliss, we talked about it calmly and he realized he was wrong. I appreciated that, and let him know he will no longer be dictating what I do, when I do it, and with whom. If he doesn't like it he can throw a tantrum by himself. This was a huge step for me, but I still don't understand why I didn't just end things considering I learned how happy, even if for a mere 4 days, I'd be without him.

This sounds very familiar to what I've experienced with a man for the past two years. It's been a roller-coaster of moods, emotions and confusion. Nothing I ever do is enough, yet he will always turn it around on me. It's so painful and difficult to enjoy life. My friends and family all feel he is controling and manipulative and see that I have changed a lot in the last two years. He will always deny his behaviour... jealousies, texting me constantly when I'm out, critising me etc. Now that we've broken up (about two weeks ago) - he has slowly but surely started trying to get me back and now it's in full affect - texts, emails, writing a question mark on the condensation of my car when it's parked in the parking lot. Within in two days of our break up he was sleeping with some other girl - someone he didn't even know. <br />
<br />
Like you, I love him dearly and have seen his wonderful good side, but my God it's exhausting. I never know what his mood will be - he's stressed, he's happy, he likes a person, he hates a person... I am totally overwhelmed!