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Does My Husband Have Borderline Personality Disorder?

I married someone who hid his true colors very carefully. While we dated he told me war stories and cried about the pain it had left him with. I later found out he made them all up from his own father. He made me feel secure by telling me all his assets he had such as time shares (I'm not a gold digger but liked stable men). He had not paid on them in years and I found out while checking his credit score after we got married. Things like these two incidences would come out after we got married. After we had our first kid, he helped none at all. He always pretended to believe in equal housework but just said this to hook me. Four years after our first child, he has never cleaned a toiled, never gave our son a bath, never washed a dish, can't even put his own clothes in a bin, etc. It was completely me doing everything as if I was a single mom. I felt so betrayed. He would expect me to be made of iron and stay up late with him. If it said I wanted to go to sleep he would say he would wake up the baby so I'd be up anyway. After I had my baby my vagina hurt (obviously) and he said he would leave me if I didn't have sex with him. All these horrible things started happening. If I got sick he would not get up and help with the kid but just tell me to suck it up. He sleeps until noon everyday and has no care in the world what this does to me. He touches me in a certain place (butthole) everytime we have sex and I ask him not to because it grosses me out but says sex is about him too. He has no respect. He has told me he would enjoy shooting all the deadbeats that walk the street. I don't feel he would actually do this though. His moods vary greatly. He gets angry very quickly and hits the wall. He has never hit me. He is a very charismatic person in the public. Everyone loves him. He puts on a great act. Once he is away from people all he talks about is how much he hates people. He doesn't like company and can't stand me having friends. He pretends to be a people person while out in public and it is a very very good act. Heck, I fell for it. Nobody knows this other side to him but me. He will say mean things to me like 'go to hell' before stepping out of a car and then get out with a huge smile and greet everybody. What is wrong with him? What do I do? I'm a Christian so divorce is not an option. I feel I am crumbling from his constant shift in moods.
cn621 cn621 26-30, F 8 Responses Nov 9, 2011

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Seriously - you could be starting my story!<br />
Always so much to tell! it is never ending!<br />
The doing nothing, and feeling entitled to do nothing, the nastiness for no reason - putting down whatever he knew i loved or the kids loved (he actually told me very rationally and calmly that something i and our oldest loved "is, in FACT stupid! That isn't my OPINION") Vicious verbal abuse. So much bile, so much hate. Hates others when not with them, wonderful and supportive when he is. Has explained that he KNOWS the true personality of movie and tv people, like it is an indisputable fact. NEVER (in beast mode) accedes that anyone can feel differently about anything without being morons. He is the center of, beginning and ending of everything. Then when he is the other personality, he actually seems to be wonderful! Kind, caring - it rarely lasts long enough to do any real good, and when it does, there is always commensurate punishment... (commensurate to him - which means however nice he has been, needs to be repaid with evil times three - but mostly sneaky, so he can deny it, and be the hurt party because if i say he is hurting us, i am really just trying to make him out to be a beast, and why do i want to be with someone i hate so much, so that is how he knows my love for him is a lie... all twisted to get away from his BEHAVIOR and on to my evil intentions. When he is the good him, he knows my intentions are almost always good, and even my bad ones aren't that bad - i'm a person lover!)<br />
He has lied to me about so much, and i hate it with a passion, b/c the only way i even know its lies is that there is constant conflict - says one thing, another, another... cannot all simultaneously be true.<br />
Ugh!<br />
He is sooooo charming, and he knows EXACTLY how to describe what he does, what it means and tells our 18 year old how to avoid "people like me." Not just surface definition either - explanations in great profound detail! If he knows it so well, why has he not fixed it? Went to counseling a couple of times - manipulated the first therapist and didn't discuss anything even remotely relevant - which of course i didn't know until years later. He doesn't drive and at the time wasn't working, so i piled time energy and money into this waste.<br />
Second time he was working on some of his stuff, but all from the perspective that we "just weren't working" and that he needed to figure out what was "best for him." I don't believe for a second he told her anything straight!<br />
So much pain, lack of support (the more i need him, the more unavailable he becomes, and always hides from the need to support me in his unhappiness or depression, but it only lasts as long as i need him) If i am sick, he is sicker. If i am lonely, he needs to be alone. If i want to do something, that is the one thing you can definitely say we won't be doing! Refuses to decide on even small things like dinner, but then reserves the right to be surly and pick about how bad it is, how dumb it is, how a different decision would have been better. Gives me the "what were you thinking" without saying it, so if I call him on the behavior, he can say "oh, so I can't have an opinion!?" And if i refuse to decide, b/c he is more choosy than me, then he laments that i am forcing him into decisions he doesn't care about - why am i so mean to him? If i am well, he is mostly pissed off... OR he loves it, tells me how great it is, and then punishes me for it.<br />
People on these posts say you have to start taking care of yourself. When i did that, and started to truly get better is when stuff got really bad.<br />
Then he moved out. Because he hated me. Because he didn't want me to suffer at his hands anymore. Because he cared about me but didn't love me anymore. Because he loved me so much that he didn't want to destroy me. Because he didn't want to be his father anymore. Because he is NOT his father, but i make him feel like he is. Because he needed to get away from me. Because he needed to get in touch with himself and figure out what he wants from his life and who he is. All of these explanations in one day. What's true? Who the hell knows?<br />
The escalation of the punishment was the last straw. Four months of great at the end of four previous months of pretty good - we were dating while he lived away, and it seemed to be going well... only to find out that while he was nice to me consistently for the first time in ever, it was because he was cultivating another relationship. Less than a week before i found out he told me with tears in his eyes that he "could never cheat on you. My father did that, and i know what it is like, the hell my mom went through, and me too. I could never do that to you or Alex. I don't have it in me." He was already cheating. When i found them together, he first said it was just a friend who "needed him," called me a spy, then admitted, and told me it was my fault, acted cold and unfeeling... except when discussing her. She doesn't deserve to feel my anger, he said, so he protected HER!!! (not the first time he did that either) THEN he said he "wanted to tell me" and ohhhh the pathos! He was hurting so much from WANTING to tell me that he was doing somebody else while telling me for the first time every day how much i meant to him and how happy he was about us.<br />
These people are hurting - i get that.<br />
But they are vampires.<br />
I can't take the coldness and distance. The unpredictability. The rages, the lies, the seeming enjoyment of my pain at his hands. And then the seeming remorse - followed by NOOOOO change. That's not remorse. That's another lie. REAL remorse means you DO something about it - even when that is hard - because otherwise your moral code means zippity do dah.<br />
Bad day today, b/c i am mad at myself b/c i miss him so very much, but for the life of me can't figure out why i would. I understand missing the good him (he truly has it in him to be one of the great men when he is in real person mode) but the bad soooooooo outweighs the good in terms of quantity.<br />
Sure - he was the first person in my life who seemed to truly SEE me and understand me - but now i wonder if that was or is real, or if it is just a function of the mirroring they do.<br />
I told him we were done. I meant it.<br />
If he gets help, I will welcome him back (cautiously!!!) but i don't really think he will. <br />
I told him I know he can beat this - he is very tough! <br />
But I can't live in this netherworld where i don't know if he cares, and he won't tell me, he is ignoring me, seems remorseful, but does NOTHING to mitigate damage (he has never done ANY reparation for ANYTHING - large or small)<br />
My fault i suppose, since i didn't leave him earlier, so i taught him he can do whatever he wants, and i will still love him. ALWAYS call him out, and make him fess up, but it is always half assed, and is part of the reason he says he is proud of me, and part of the reason he hates me. I'm the first person to stand up to him (and he is very!!! intimidating!) and he says he loves that. But he feels empty inside, and he needed to lay me low, he says, because SOMEBODY had to be beneath him. SOMEBODY had to suffer more. That is so far off the mark of love and marriage that it is a complete joke!<br />
I just can't understand why it is preferable to live in the hell that his own head and heart must be. Wouldn't it make MUCH more sense to face it, since you are facing the repercussions either way?<br />
Ugh!

Wow...the entire story could have been mine...after 26 years of marriage &amp; 3 children now 19, 22 &amp; 24...this past year my husband flipped and the wonderful, slightly needy man i knew became a monster, liar, psycho!!! Im struggling with trying, but it is abuse in the worst form!!!! So sorry you are dealing with this too.

I am looking for a job and going to start therapy. I will move out when that option is available and request he receives treatment. If he does not, there will be no reconciliation. After a while in being in a relationship like I am in, you forget what is normal and what is not. That line that you would have drawn early in the relationship seems to disappear more and more as you get used to all the things he says and does. He can be the nicest, most charming man for days and then he snaps. I think I am going to leave when he is in the bad moods but once he is charming again I feel hopeful and I forget that I need to leave. A part of this is my problem. Maybe I don't like change or I am scared of the unknown. I need to figure out which part is me that got me into this relationship in the first place.

I have to agree with drowning2... Sociopath.. And although there are similarities between sociopath & borderline; what you have said so far sounds more socio. I have experienced both. I was in a relationship with a socio for 4 years and it was hell and hell to get away. I am now married to a borderline - Just gotta love my choices! UGH! I asked my therapist how the hell these people find me? How do I keep ending up here... First therapist said - you are a nurturer, you have children, you are good mother.. people like that (my ex bf & current husband) will seek you out and latch hold.. they will suck the life out of you. Second therapist said I needed to change one thing about myself that helped me blend into the crowd - under their radar if you will. Anyway - run, run fast - you are not spiritually yoked and therefore God understands - and then change something about yourself so that another doesn't sneak up on you while you are vulnerable. God bless you... In box me if need to chat. I have helped a few women escape the same socio I had.. one is now one of my best friends.

change what? not be a nurture ? so u need to stop blending into the crowd? looking like ur part of the norm atracts these crazy men ?...im just wondering cause i seem to get the crazy men also ....

I haven't figured out which part of me to change. I need to blend in more with the crowd is what she told me. So the next one will skip right over me and go on to the next girl. I said - well that is a crappy thing to do to someone else.. she said well do you want it tobe you? Honestly, no. No I don't. I will always be a nurturer that is part of who I am... but in learning all you can about the "red flags" and such to watch out for, then by with more knowledge you are changing you knowledge base. My personal belief is that they will always find you.. you have to be on your game in order to flag it and walk away. NO MATTER how charming they are.... and there are lots of flags if you are paying attention. Yes, looking like you are part of the norm attracts these men. They want a normal existance and so our very nature of normality - though may seem boring to us - is what they crave, in one respect. And they are needy - so they need someone who is by all rights "normal" - i think they think it might rub off on them somehow. They want to blend in to the "I am like everyone else" and consequently - a nurturer will try and help them "blend in and try to be like everyone else" .. We nurturers jus have a hard time facing the fact that we CANNOT help them.. they have to help themselves with a lot of hard work on their parts. Such a vicious sad cycle all of it is. I have pretty much decided that if I get out of the relationship that I am in .. I will just stay single.. concentrate on my kids and me. I will help those that are in the same situation as best I can.. and that will be the "why" I had to go through this. If I can help 1 person that will make me happy... if I can't well at least I tried.

Heck gir, l take ur kid and get the hell out of there, before he hurts u or ur child..... religion or no religion, there is no "god" that wants you or ur child to live like that!!!!

He definitely qualifies in the cluster b personality disorder...he seems to be more narcissistic than anything..if religion is the only reason why you aren't divorcing him, you are making a foolish, foolish mistake.

Yes, he does sounds like my current soon to be X husband. They say crazy things they dont mean. My husband did the same concealed himself during courtship then became a lazy bones, verbally abusive and neglectful to marriage. We were once walking into the book store and out loud he said " lets steal some magazines in her today"..I was like shocked and appalled. Where did that come from and of course in public. (crazy). Its tough there is no help or compassion they lack empathy and compassion and think of only themselves .

Oh my goodness. I thought my life was bad. You have one kid, you have a chance for something normal. This is not BPD, which is horrific, this is sociopath. Don't waste your time on saving anything but yourself and child. Being alone with a restraining order would be easier. Make notes, dates, record things. He is degrading and humiliating you. So what that he has never physically touches you, sodomizing is far worse. Run fast.

This doesn't sound good... and I sympathize. However, I agree that this doesn't sound like BPD... something else - and dangerous! And you do have the right to divorce if you are with someone you feel is not equally spiritually yoked. I would say that definitely applies. Someone who has truly opened their heart to God's love would not behave in that way. Take care of yourself!<br />
Me