The Man Of My DreamsIf you have EVER loved anyone with a physical disability, you CAN clearly SEE and know that your loved one might require something of you to help them live a quality life with you. You would more than likely be very willing to learn to use the tools that you need to help them in their daily tasks and gladly so because you love them so much, they love and appreciate you. You are a caretaker and if that is what it takes to have this wonderful relationship, you are MORE than happy to be it. You have an emotional connection, however limited physically, it is very satisfying.
Now, if you married a wonderful man (my case) and know him to be intelligent, loving, passionate, fun and full of live and and shortly after marriage you start to see his constant agitation, frustration, anger at little things. He starts accusing you of hurting him and disrespecting him. You are confused. You love this man and have left a full life, job and family to be with him after being separated from him for 25 years. You care for him and his household and pets. You are taking good care of yourself so you can do even more with him that you enjoy but he is not as interested any more. He is "not himself". You know that. He is not the man whom you had fallen in love with, was LEFT by and loved for all these passing years. You try to tell him how confused and hurt you are by the hurtful and even abusive things that he has said, yelled and accused you of doing to him. He doesn't seem to be hearing that YOU are hurt and turns the conversation BACK to how YOU have wronged him and he is "done and fed up and CAN NOT live" this way...He tells you that his anger is all because of YOU. You love him, don't understand him or what he is saying and feeling. You can feel lost and hopeless. You feel like you have made a mistake.
That is my life right now. I truly and wholeheartedly love my "Love" but he is emotionally ill and I know it for a fact. I have told him that I need to go to a counselor; maybe if for nothing else but to learn how to talk with him that does not trigger him but unfortunately, I don't think that will be enough. I don't know if I am willing to continue to live like this; even with my great love for him. I NEED intimacy. I NEED emotional connection. I NEED to be heard and I NEED to vent my feelings and be closely, warmly and safely held and told that "everything will be ok"...it isn't with a spouse who is borderline personality disordered. Things are NOT ok.
BPD is also beginning to be known as Emotional Regulation Disorder (ERD) because they become emotionally DYSregulated; like a tornado that erupts out of no where. You are caught in the whirlwind and every piece of debris (new information) is swept up and whirls around your head lifting you in a fury of anger and hurtful words...the winds continue to howl around your head, you look in unbelief and see that you are "not in Kansas" any more but UP in a twister looking down at "normal life"...you are caught in the whirlwind of dysregulated emotions, even more powerful than the most jarring rollercoaster ride.Their emotions are deep, painful and they seem to take control OVER their reasoning and logical thinking capabilities. He is a mercurial personality; and the corresponding "personality disorder " is, you guessed it, BPD. I "know" he loves me but I sometimes I don't feel it. I don't trust his words or emotions and my greatest fear is that I might fall OUT of love with him because of this.
We reunited a year ago and I have since learned that he MUST be BPD and I have been doing "all that I can" to help keep our daily life LESS emotionally tense. He teeters "on the edge" and even a word or look from me can "set him off". I am going to counseling because I love him and want to be with him. It hurts me to see him in the turmoil, pain, frustration and despair in response to a comment or look from me...It hurts me deeply that he has behaved as he has and said the most awful, unloving and hateful things to me..He has "devolved" so much that I have stopped talking with him about "what I love" and I have secluded myself to writing and "taking care of my family".
I love my husband but I am afraid I am "losing sight of him" and only see a BPD monster of a man; who at this time, would be "better off" living alone; without me even. His rage and stress fill the house and I am tired...so tired. I NEED to "find my voice" and instead of writing "our love story", I an very strongly leaning toward writing a FICTIONAL love story (as how I expected our life to be and WANT it to be yet) or the REAL story; BPD and all...it may make for more interesting and helpful reading.
Understanding MORE about BPD/ERD in reading books like "Walking on Eggshells" and "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" has helped me in many ways. They are helping me to see MY needs and how my dear loving bpd may not be able or greater yet, is fearful of intimacy with me and it pulls and pushes back and forth with his fear of abandonment. I realize I must "take good care of myself". I have also learned HOW he may be thinking and feeling; culminated from years of abuse from his father, his mercurial intellect (IQ over 180) and abandonment and betrayal from many have left him scarred yet he has told me that I am the "only one he has ever trusted" and he continues to show that he still trusts and loves me. Lately I have been seeing moments where he "might be dysregulating" and then he "takes control of himself". I know that he is able to heal and recover from having used these cognitive processes to HURT himself due to decrease self-esteem all these years...I feel that there IS hope for his healing and our recouping the wonderful "love story past" that we have had together...Life doesn't END when a loved one is BPD...it just changes DRAMATICALLY and it CAN change for the better.