The Man Of My Dreams

If you have EVER loved anyone with a physical disability, you CAN clearly SEE and know that your loved one might require something of you to help them live a quality life with you. You would more than likely be very willing to learn to use the tools that you need to help them in their daily tasks and gladly so because you love them so much, they love and appreciate you. You are a caretaker and if that is what it takes to have this wonderful relationship, you are MORE than happy to be it. You have an emotional connection, however limited physically, it is very satisfying.

Now, if you married a wonderful man (my case) and know him to be intelligent, loving, passionate, fun and full of live and and shortly after marriage you start to see his constant agitation, frustration, anger at little things. He starts accusing you of hurting him and disrespecting him. You are confused. You love this man and have left a full life, job and family to be with him after being separated from him for 25 years. You care for him and his household and pets. You are taking good care of yourself so you can do even more with him that you enjoy but he is not as interested any more. He is "not himself". You know that. He is not the man whom you had fallen in love with, was LEFT by and loved for all these passing years. You try to tell him how confused and hurt you are by the hurtful and even abusive things that he has said, yelled and accused you of doing to him. He doesn't seem to be hearing that YOU are hurt and turns the conversation BACK to how YOU have wronged him and he is "done and fed up and CAN NOT live" this way...He tells you that his anger is all because of YOU. You love him, don't understand him or what he is saying and feeling. You can feel lost and hopeless. You feel like you have made a mistake.

That is my life right now. I truly and wholeheartedly love my "Love" but he is emotionally ill and I know it for a fact. I have told him that I need to go to a counselor; maybe if for nothing else but to learn how to talk with him that does not trigger him but unfortunately, I don't think that will be enough. I don't know if I am willing to continue to live like this; even with my great love for him. I NEED intimacy. I NEED emotional connection. I NEED to be heard and I NEED to vent my feelings and be closely, warmly and safely held and told that "everything will be ok" isn't with a spouse who is borderline personality disordered. Things are NOT ok.

BPD is also beginning to be known as Emotional Regulation Disorder (ERD)  because they become emotionally DYSregulated; like a tornado that erupts out of no where. You are caught in the whirlwind and every piece of debris (new information) is swept up and whirls around your head lifting you in a fury of anger and hurtful words...the winds continue to howl around your head, you look in unbelief and see that you are "not in Kansas" any more but UP in a twister looking down at "normal life" are caught in the whirlwind of dysregulated emotions, even more powerful than the most jarring rollercoaster ride.Their emotions are deep, painful and they seem to take control OVER their reasoning and logical thinking capabilities. He is a mercurial personality; and the corresponding "personality disorder " is, you guessed it, BPD. I "know" he loves me but I sometimes I don't feel it. I don't trust his words or emotions and my greatest fear is that I might fall OUT of love with him because of this.

We reunited a year ago and I have since learned that he MUST be BPD and I have been doing "all that I can" to help keep our daily life LESS emotionally tense. He teeters "on the edge" and even a word or look from me can "set him off".  I am going to counseling because I love him and want to be with him. It hurts me to see him in the turmoil, pain, frustration and despair in response to a comment or look from me...It hurts me deeply that he has behaved as he has and said the most awful, unloving and hateful things to me..He has "devolved" so much that I have stopped talking with him about "what I love" and I have secluded myself to writing and "taking care of my family".

I love my husband but I am afraid I am "losing sight of him" and only see a BPD monster of a man; who at this time, would be "better off" living alone; without me even. His rage and stress fill the house and I am tired. I NEED to "find my voice" and instead of writing "our love story", I an very strongly leaning toward writing a FICTIONAL love story (as how I expected our life to be and WANT it to be yet) or the REAL story; BPD and may make for more interesting and helpful reading.

Understanding MORE about BPD/ERD in reading books like "Walking on Eggshells" and "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" has helped me in many ways. They are helping me to see MY needs and how my dear loving bpd may not be able or greater yet, is fearful of intimacy with me and it pulls and pushes back and forth with his fear of abandonment. I realize I must "take good care of myself". I have also learned HOW he may be thinking and feeling; culminated from years of abuse from his father, his mercurial intellect (IQ over 180) and abandonment and betrayal from many have left him scarred yet he has told me that I am the "only one he has ever trusted" and he continues to show that he still trusts and loves me. Lately I have been seeing moments where he "might be dysregulating" and then he "takes control of himself". I know that he is able to heal and recover from having used these cognitive processes to HURT himself due to decrease self-esteem all these years...I feel that there IS hope for his healing and our recouping the wonderful "love story past" that we have had together...Life doesn't END when a loved one is just changes DRAMATICALLY and it CAN change for the better. 
Missalaineyeus Missalaineyeus
46-50, F
3 Responses Mar 28, 2012

Wow! I'm so glad things are taking a turn for the better with this! And so well done to you for researching and understanding how best to progress. I know you truly love him but even so, as you said, it must be frightening and bewildering for you. <br />
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Know there will be good and bad days but sending all good wishes for more good days!

Yes, I continue to have hope and create ways that I am under less stress; understanding how bpd affects him helps me avoid some of the pitfalls...have had several good and a few HORRIBLE days since your last post...thanks for the kind thoughts.

I've had a similar experience. It's painful, but I'd say get out now. You can't solve the problem. He may being to do things that actually put your life, your household, your family in danger. I told my husband he had two weeks to decide if he would go to rehab and make a sincere and committed effort to get help, and then when he didn't, I left. Did you go back because you were lonely? Needed financial security? I think it's a lonely and illogical decision - hire a maid for him if he can't afford it and you can. Nothing will get better here - if he hurt you before, he'll do it again and after 25 years you won't have found someone else who actually can love you and give you the respect and admiration you deserve.

thanks hon but no, I was not "lonely" or needed financial security- I resigned from my work, insurance and pension. He doesn't need a maid; he is not helpless nor unable to live alone. Thanks for the concern and I am sorry that your bpd would not seek counseling. I am sure that you are happier for it...peace to you.

dear m... im a bit new here. i hope my comments didnt offend you. i know there are no easy answers. i hope you find peace too. my heart does go out to you.

No offence taken; no problem...I am sorry to hear about your H not "stepping up to the plate" when you gave him the ultimatum; we ALL have our limits. I ran into those limits with my son's father; my EX (OCPD/NPD) but with the love that I have for my BPD; I choose to remain with him. I am just learning how he feels, how he hurts and how I can avoid causing or perpetuating things AND STILL BE HAPPY with myself...I think I am "getting there"...thanks.

This is so sad! To have re-united again and then discover your lovely man suffers with BPD! I admit I have no personal experience of this particular personality disorder but can only imagine it must be frightening and lonely and tiring particularly with other responsibilities you have.<br />
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I can only say I hope things improve somehow and wish you all the best :)

Yes, it has been saddening and enlightening at the same time. I have been reading books to help ME deal with it and to "design" my communication with him with his emotional needs in mind. He is a wonderful man; it is really a harrowing personality disorder; affects the emotions greatly to the point that they can feel the only "way out" is suicide; or at least, to go through the motions of thinking about it to relieve their psychic pain. I have been frightened a bit and now I am realizing that I am alone emotionally at times. I want SO MUCH MORE. Things have improved since my story was posted; most of it is due to my understand and CHANGE of communication and expectations. Thanks hon.