Reality Of BpdLiving with and loving who suffers from borderline personality disorder is the most challenging relationship that I have ever experienced.
When my Love has a "good day" or moments where he is not emotionally dysregulated, life and love is GREAT. He is loving, passionate, fun and caring. We laugh and smile, we are affectionate and close. But when emotional dysregulation threatens, it violently hurls my Love into another spiraling descent of emotional devolution. I can stand by helplessly or chose to give him space to "de-escalate" on his own which may or may not happen for hours or even days. It hurts me to see him in his own hellish pain. I cannot control it, I didn't cause it and I cannot cure it. I realize that his life is his responsibility and where his and my life become OUR life, I have the right and ability to have input.
He complained about everything yesterday. Drivers, people in a restaurant, what people were wearing and what they were saying, it is nauseatingly exhausting to me to hear the negativity and I was able to tell him that "he has spoken alot of negative things today". I think that this is bringing him to become aware that I think "he has a problem". We talked yesterday and I had asked him a few times "how are you doing". "Not so good" he replied. "What do you mean, hon?" "I don't know, I wish that I had died and not been revived years ago"...I could sense his MENTAL and EMOTIONAL pain and so I asked him "What thoughts are you having about it?" and he angrily (defense, to push me away) retorted "Oh, I see, you are trying to make me admit that I am a nut, well, I am not". End of conversation.
How does this affect me? As an aware loved one of a person with borderline personality disorder, I ache for emotional intimacy and safety with him. I ache for physical intimacy and ex
I feel like Robin Williams' character in "May the Dreams that Come" who would rather give up my "life" to be with him in his hellish torture in his mind and emotions. It is as though that I would rather "live in hell" with him than have life without him. He is the man of my dreams. I love him. But I realize that though our dreams have come true and CAN continue to be almost "fairy tale" yet in order to see and deal with his illness, there there is a strong denial within me. I refuse to believe that "this is our life" with BPD. I know that I live in our dream world. I think that is how I am surviving. I hope that he will join me and we will live there happily, together, one day and forever.
He is mentally and emotionally ill and I am standing beside him. I have told him and tried to share WHAT borderline personality disorder is and how we, together, can get the help that we need to feel better and live the happy life that we KNOW that we have together. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel; we are coming out of the darkness of ignorance and becoming aware that borderline personality disorder CAN be treated effectively, once it is acknowledged. This is my reality.
Missalaineyeus 46-50, F 5 Responses 3 May 12, 2012