Reality Of Bpd

Wathappened--That is unfortunate. I feel for you. There's no telling if he will try to come back or not. You seem to state that you two were involved for four months. That is a trifle long for one of those "flash-in-the-pan" romances. Generally if a guy is with you for over two months it usually means there is some feeling on his part. However, he seems emotionally disregulated as you state. Particularly your statement about how he has replaced you already (emotionally if not physically) is ominous. It sounds like he is fickle enough (self-centered and lacking object constancy) to just turn around and start projecting onto someone else. Who knows why--there may be no rhyme or reason to it. At this point it seems to best to cut your losses and try forgetting him gradually. The book BOOMERANG LOVE is excellent for situations like this. Good luck.

I am writing to share my story, and to ask you guys if it sounds like I have just had a BPD experience with a guy I initially thought was the guy I would spend my life with. Hopes have been dashed and I have never ever felt so much hurt and incomprehension. When I added up all the information after the break up it was alarming that I ignored so many things but let me know what you think.

I met an angel guy who swept me off my feet for nearly four months. Or maybe I just thought he did but ignored the vital signs. He was lovely, opened up really quickly, spoke about our future together very quickly. He had been through the wars, his wife and two kids left him in 2009. He admitted to going into a deep depression following this experience. He had been with her for 8 years and claims to always have been faithful and she broke his heart. He then went through a spell of going out a lot over the period of a year and over indulging in women and alcohol. He was very honest about all of this. Before I had met him he had been with a girl for 6 months and this relationship had finished up four months before I met him. I questioned his emotional availability and he insisted he knew what he wanted and he was ready for a relationship. He was full on. I tried to take things slower but was mad about him after a few weeks. He seemed so honest and open about his emotions. I had never heard of BPD so I ignored alot of signs which now seem like blatant characteristics of BPD.

He lured me into his life with discussions about our future, we had the cultured social life I dreamed off, he was also very intelligent and witty. However, he spoke about his ex wife all the time, how she left him how hurt he was, how she used the kids against him and that was ok as she is part of his present. However, he also spoke about being dumped by his most recent ex and spoke about her way too much. He seemed obsessed about his past and how he was badly treated by his father as a child, how he never was able to hug his mother until she became a grandparent to his kids etc. Now I see he was always the victim and always seemed in need of nurturing. No reference to sexual abuse however but his could have happened. His father seemed to be a difficult violent man and he hinted that he may have had bi-polar and that he was physically abusive to him.

For first few months he was the perfect host and boyfriend. He had a stressful successful job and seemed so responsible and capable but I did hear stories about interpersonal relationships at work. After a while his moods began to fluctuate, he often did not sleep well and had nightmares.

Sometimes he was so tender and affectionate sometimes I felt like he had no interest in me yet he would always insist he wanted to invest in our relationship when I questioned if he was over his ex wife and ex girlfriend. Some days if work went well or if his ex wife did not threaten him using the kids as ammunition, he was heaven to be with. If work went badly or if he was stressed he would be distant and subdued but would then cheer up after an hour or so as long as he got to have his rant, albeit he never showed anger often. He was always polite but would just go quiet (quiet submissive BPD). He seemed to communicate well but in hindsight I did not know half of what was going on in his thoughts really until I pieced it all together and until he ended it so abruptly. I saw a few mild outbursts that came from nowhere and were not directed at me. One was into my voicemail when I failed to pick up a call. I remember remarking that he seemed really perturbed but thought nothing of it at the time.

I think now I was his caretaker. He would text me saying he would die if he did not see me but the odd time by the time I arrived he would be indifferent or completely in love with me. I listened to him for hours and hours and did not mind at all as wanted to know about his life and be there for him. He always swore he was over his most recent ex when I chastised him re bringing her up all the time and he claimed he did that in all his relationships. When with her he obsessed about his ex wife, with is ex wife he obsessed about his prior girlfriend (why do they do this?). Anyway he brought me away for a weekend and although he had been mood for a week or so which I remarked on he blamed it on his stress at work and apologised thanking me for being so patient with him. I put it all down to stress and I let him off with a few of snide comments as they would always be followed with an apology and "he did not know where he said that". It literally changed every day near the end. Some days wrapped around me as if he would never let go and the next distant. Again, I made alot of allowances for him because 70% of the time it was great and we were both happy. I just started getting mixed signals and noticed mood swings getting more frequent but he put it down to worries re work, his kids and ex wife who was often pretty difficult (this is fact not just his version of events).

Anyway he always went on about how I would dump him eventually, and he even admitted his ex told him he had mental problems and that I would dump him too like she did. He behaved much better with me than with her so I really thought he was giving our relationship his all. He really had an obsession about being dumped as do all BPDs. Also like the above stories, some days an angel some days he would give out about everything to anything, he was never happy in restaurants, over spent and was generous at times but often mean. Told me to trust him yet checked out women in front of me in bars, as if to deliberately make me insecure. I am a strong person and I told him it was not acceptable but in hindsight I am putting it all together. Then we would get home and he would be the perfect gentleman again. He was very insecure yet acted it out.

He was very childlike near the end and seemed to have regressed into illogical thought and was nearly like a different person. He kept going on that he was going into a good cycle but now I think he felt some sort of regressive phase coming on. During our weekend away he asked me to meet his children, told me he wanted to move to next level with me and was over his ex. Apart from one small childish outburst when away it was a great weekend. On our return to Ireland he dumped me ten hours later by email claiming he was not over his ex and it would take him a year to get over her that he had thought of her every day and he had wasted my time. That evening I had asked him if he would mind if I rented a room to a male friend as a favour for two months and I now wonder if this triggered his rejection fears which exasperated his fear of abandoment. I had asked him would he mind and he said no he trusted me. He also named the dumping email "my illness" and claimed he needed counseling to go on depression tablets and to be alone. He told me his anxiety was so bad and out of control and he could not stop crying and this happened often. Lines like "you are a great person" "I don't want to ruin your life" but basically he dumped me without any empathy.

I lost it and got very emotional at his callousness and send some pretty blunt emails in retaliation mostly expressing my shock at how little empathy he had for my feelings and how he had made me feel used etc. We met up a day or so later, I was very upset, he went from "I am not dumping you" to "if I stay with you I'd be using you" to "I know I will regret this later you are a great person" to just illogical ranting and being completely self absorbed and unable to see how much he had hurt me and only feeling sorry for himself. I was amazed at his lack of empathy. I am hurting too he kept saying ... I did not want this to happen.

He also said, he knew it was too late to fix it as I would never forgive him for what he did and that is probably true but I am so so hurt and three months later still in the same state.

I also heard he basically replaced me with an emotional friendship with a girl days after our break up (he is not sleeping with her I know this for sure). For someone who wanted to be on his own to go through this rough time he did not wait around for long. I think he regrets what he did or will someday but I know he does not care now. He also seemed to lack "object constancy" and early on was always asking me for photos of myself and sending photos to me which I found strange as we spent four nites per week together. I went away for a week, he was different when I came back and said "I had avoided him for over a week". He seemed only to relax after a glass of wine and then he would mellow to a great funny guy. Very self image focused, spent a lot on clothes, only interested in talking about himself, and in hindsight always trying to be in control and attention seeking.

Anyway other things that really alarm me which I have read about people with BPD, he seemed to be a bit voyeuristic, spied on a neighbour from his work place and then told her he knew she lived beside him (apparently she moved after this - God knows what really happened) could not self soothe, into **** when alone, hated being alone, had various girlfriends who he would ring all the time (emotional relationships which his ex wife would not allow), he would text if I was two minutes late, his mood could change from happy to deeply sad within minutes.

I suppose I don't know what to think. He seemed like the perfect guy who disintegrated into a strange stranger and treated me like one in the space of a week following the blow up with his wife. He kept saying I am not going to let her ruin this relationship, I am happy now have you in my life.

I made so many allowances for him due to his past and his stress at work and re kids and then suddenly I am out cut out of his life.

I think he felt a depressive cycle coming along and dumped me before I saw the rage and knew he would be dumped from past experience. He kept saying, the cycle will repeat itself and I can't go through it again ...

Does it sound like he has fallen into a depressive cycle? Can this last months? Will he be back?

To be honest, he is right we probably cannot fix it in fact we can't, and he wont come back due to one explicit email where I basically told him I think he has BPD and lots of other things.

I just want to try and understand how knowing all the above, during the day I can logically see that facts but I go through bouts of missing that lovely guy I thought I had found and it is like it just happened.

Can anyone advise?

Does he have BPD or am I looking for ways to avoid just facing the fact that he just wasn't into me? You know when you know someone likes you though, it just does not make sense. To be cut out of someone's life so abruptly. We never had an argument. I made my points very calmly yet firmly and he even said I was good for him and had great inter personal skills ...

How long can these cycles last?

Do you generally agree he has just blocked me out and moved thanks to lack of object constancy - out of sight out of mind?

Oh I should mention I have lots of interest from many guys but nobody ever got under my skin like he did.

I thought I was very selective but how could I have ended up in this mess???

anonymous and confused ...

I guess I just never understood how he could not miss me ...

Wow; this really captures the reality of being in love with a man with BPD. You are stronger than I am because I have already thrown in the towel. I just couldn't take all the blaming and the emotional affairs with other gals. And mine would not even think about the possibility that he could have BPD--he just took the suggestion as another example of my being "against him." Perhaps yours does not go to these extremes, which are so damaging to a partner's self-image. However, you seem to have enough on your plate with the mood swings and negativity. Best of luck and please let us know what happens!

This is beautifully written. It sounds like you have to be ultra-regulated to counter his lack of regulation. That takes a toll, too. It sounds like you have done your research about his disorder, and I hope he is getting treatment. Mindfulness skills is one of the things that has been found to help those with BPD to not get as swept away by their affect.



Hugs to you, Missalaineyeus.