A Typical Day For A Wife Of A Bpd

A day with a BPD starts the night before and he had talked about a "family" issue that disturbed him last night while watching Criminal Minds and the News. I went to bed and he seemed fine, even affectionate.

I wake up on weekdays and am out of the door before he gets out of bed. I take my son to school, care for the animals and sometimes I go out for a coffee and danish and some "me time". Today, I knew that my Love had to be into work "on time", he is not paid hourly so this is not usually any "issue". I set the coffee maker to be ready to brew his coffee, started on breakfast and made a boxed coffee cake before I heard him stirring.

I heard him stirring, set the breakfast and coffee in motion and called to him; he had gone to the office and was coming down shortly for breakfast before getting ready for work. Breakfast was fine and we chatted. I take the dog out while he is on the computer, resting before he goes upstairs to get dressed.

He comes down and is nearly ready to leave (I think, only a little longer, he has been trying to pick a fight RIGHT before going out the door; I will not fall into the trap) and asked him if he "had everything that he needed". He said "not really"...REALLY??? what does that MEAN? I was awake and fixed your breakfast, you have clean clothes in the closet, I took care of your dog and are you implying that I was "negligent" or "forgot" something?? I calm my mind. I have done my part and he is responsible to "take care of him" and I am ready to see him go out the door and I will NOT panic or step "in the quicksand".

Just before he turns toward the door; he curses. His tragus earring has fallen out and he needs me to put it back in. My hands are wet from doing dishes. I tell him "let me dry my hands and get my glasses on and I will try to put it back in". He curses, his voice raises, he doesn't like what I am doing but I ask him do I "have to put this ring around" part of his ear, he says NO, it needs to go in the front. Ok. His voice is raising, I get nervous, I already am very aware of my lack of confidence in doing this and I don't have a tragus and don't know "how it feels" when it is pierced and the earring goes in properly. His voice raises some more. He said that the earring needs to go in front AND behind the tragus. (just as I had thought and had started doing). I say nothing; just trying to get the DAMNED earring back in place.

Long story short, I told him to STOP yelling and that if he wanted me to try again, I would. He complains that it is MY fault that he is yelling, I got "an attitude" and I told him, "your earring fell out first. I will try again if you like". He then goes on lecturing on how I was doing it wrongly because I don't have any "real jewelry" (thick gauge, which is true, but he made it sound insulting like I do not have jewelry made of precious metals and I do.) He said that it was my fault that he would have to "go to a piercing shop, buy a NEW tragus ring (he went upstairs to get one he had his hands on a few months ago and said that it was not in the drawer where HE had left it; I don't go in that nightstand drawer except for one day last week when he asked me to bring him something from it.).

I AGAIN offered to help him put it back in. He continued to DYSREGULATE and I walked past him and said "Stop yelling at me" and I went upstairs. He tells me to "get the F out of his house".

Those of us who are NOT emotionally ill; we do not emotionally escalate into a rage and then have a hard time "de-escalating"...might say that "He is DAMNED lucky" to have a wife who loves him and understands what and how he is feeling and CARES for him and TRIES to help him through it.

He doesn't know WHAT A HELL OF A LIFE it is for me; his pain is so overwhelming, believe it or not, he thinks that HE got the short straw. 

Just when you think you MIGHT have a normal day, it goes to Sh*t. That is a typical day when you love a person who is mentally ill. 

Missalaineyeus Missalaineyeus
46-50, F
7 Responses May 17, 2012

Good God - I could have written this darn near word-for-word... thank you SO much for helping me confirm that it is NOT -me- who is causing these problems. The constant questioning about 'what could I do to make our relationship smoother?' is driving me NUTS. Somehow his "horrible day" is always my fault, even when I'm not at home. Seeing someone else describe the situation, and feel the same way, means a lot.

I wish I had a woman like you in my life... I hate this feeling inside myself.. Thinking, feeling, knowing I will never be the right guy for someone. Your story makes me so mad and jealous of your husband; taking for granted what I so desperately wish I could find. And at this point I'm too scared to open myself up anymore... Im too scared of picking all the tiny shards of my heart off the ground again, and again, and again.. You truly, truly, truly are an amazing women, and I hope your husband at least at some level realizes what a catch you are. I've never talked to anyone who has the slightest semblance of what having BPD is like, and its so painful not having anyone truly understand what I feel, and how much I feel it. I consider myself to be an atypical BPD case as certain symptoms of my diagnosis are the same but different than the clinical definition of symptoms. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world, even though I wish things were not so bad for you...

Wow! I have BPD among other mental disorders but I am not like your husband at all. I get into rages inside myself but I try to control the way I treat other people. I'm extremely sensitive so its hard for me to communicate as easily as you do with someone who is outright abusive like your husband. I take things too personally, yes. But I'd never act the way he does. I always try to be consciously responsible for my thoughts, choices, actions, and LIFE! Bless you for your strength....

I am sorry that you suffer with BPD; since I wrote this story; I have learned SO MUCH more about how my dear loved one suffers. I have more compassion and see that he is living in his own \"H*ll\". Bless you and good mental health to you.

I\'ve read that there are outward-acting and inward-acting people with BPD. Men tend to have the outward-acting kind, which is displayed by Miss A\'s partner above. With the inward kind, it\'s like you describe, a lot of suffering for yourself but you try to shield other people. Take care of yourself.

When I said I\'m atypical, this is partial what I meant.. I almost never go into a rage, its really only my father and step mother that can bring it out of me.. And as far as the whole idolization / devaluation thing goes, I also direct this inward... \"Im not good enough for you.. You should just forget about me.. You shouldn\'t love me..\" etcetera.. I am jealous guy, but not in the \"She\'s probably sleeping with that male friend of hers / Im angry at her for hanging with her for having her own life\" way. I get jealous in the \"Im really sad I didn\'t get to take part in what she was doing / Im sad she wasn\'t spending more time with me\" way. Thank you for giving us, me, giving a little insight into yourself.. It helps me feel not as terribly alien to myself, other people, and the world.

Just like that for 23 years... now we are divorced but it makes no difference.
This relationship will continue for along time yet...

Fantastic story and well written. It was a bit like reading a novel and leading up to this all mighty climax... Thank you for sharing this with me.

Thanks; after all of this, I have been thinking about writing about it but sometimes it seems too surreal for me to believe that it is true...if you are in relationship with a bpd person and understand this, I am sorry. Thanks for the kind words.

When I read posts such as this and the answering comments...the scabs of my own emotional wounds peel away and my heart bleeds again. I'm thrown back into past recollections...sad and horrific scenes of roller coaster emotions and sporadic physical abuses flash randomly through my mind like a silent picture show...<br />
My Beloved was everything I imagined my life mate would be...handsome, sexy, strong yet capable of gentleness, intelligent, witty, mature, humorous, loving (when not caught in the throes of BPD), but My Tormentor was the antithesis and someone I despised. Many times while in a rage, My Beloveds physical demeanor would completely shift and My Tormentor would manifest...growling obscenities and spewing ugly, hateful accusations. Occasionally going as far as leaving physical marks of his presence in the wake of his BPD storm.<br />
I remember with acute sadness a particular episode ... My Beloved invited a friend to dinner and after the pleasant and mutually enjoyed time, the friends continued conversation at the table as I cleared our evening meal. I listened as they talked while puttering happily in domestic bliss, intercepting the occasional loving glance from My Beloved and when passing by his chair, enjoying the gentle caress of his hand on my hip. As a final step to the clearing, I leaned over to blow out the candles on the table....which was when My Tormentor awakened. I saw the ugly look he threw my way, but had no reason with which to understand it. After all, we had not been alone during the evening and I knew there was nothing upsetting which had happened beforehand to warrant my disgrace. Baffled as to "the look", I was nonetheless unconcerned. I excused myself for the evening, said farewell to his friend and went upstairs. Peacefully ensconced in bed and tired yet fighting sleep in order to kiss My Beloved goodnight, I opened my eyes when I heard him enter the bedroom. My happy smile of greeting faded as My Tormentor attacked! He punctuated each harsh, demeaning word with an index finger jab to my forehead...forcing my skull back into the headboard of our bed with each punch. "You - are - not - ever - to - blow - out - a - candle - in - my - house - while - I - am - still - seated - at - that - table - with - guests - present - do - you - understand - me - you - @!#%&*$ - *****!" I was frozen in shock at the words being hurled at me and felt much as a child with a giant monster looming above them...unable to escape because of my fear. My eyes were glazed with tears and the peace and happiness of just moments prior evaporated like the mirage it actually was....<br />
Once his rage subsided and I lay curled in a tight ball of heart sick pain and sadness, weeping inconsolably, My Beloved slowly re emerged with awkward touches and words of guilt ridden denial of the episode just past. Unable to face the reality of his alter self, My Beloved placed the burden upon me. If I hadn't been so "ill bred", "impolite", "unthinking", I wouldn't have caused the embarrassing situation which forced him to lose his temper with me and create all this drama for him to deal with. <br />
Needless to say, I spent the night in shock and withdrawn hurt and confusion...only to awaken the next morning to My Beloved kissing me gently on the forehead where a faint bruise from his index finger punishment lingered. He then enfolded me in his arms and softly crooned words of his unending love for me and made plans for the new day to come...<br />
Anyone outside of a BPD relationship would read that desc<x>ription and think it fictional words of a typical abusive relationship. Anyone inside the storm of a BPD relationship knows it to be a typical moment in the day to day life of trying to survive with your Beloved/Tormentor...not fiction, though God knows we all wish it were! BPD takes prisoners of beautiful minds and loving souls...it always destroys and causes harm, devastating everyone it touches.There are no pat answers for "what should I do?" There are no quick fixes for all of the hurt that comes with BPD. There's no way to spot the Tormentor within a new Beloved, without first exposing yourself to the pain that accompanies him. Only then can you know, and decide if you will stay. If you do, there is no shame to feel. There will be pain, moments of happiness, times of doubt and confusion...emotions so varied you may wonder if you are even sane anymore. But, don't feel shamed for trying to break through the walls of BPD to the person imprisoned beyond. Know there are others who have shared your pain, who have cried your tears and who made their own difficult choices...in their own way.

Hi TJSH: what a story; I see that you have yet to write a story; I suggest copying and pasting this into a story of your own so you can get support from others as well. Thank you so much for your kind words and concern; I know that you understand. HUGS.

So typical. Every moment rings true. The way it "kind of" starts the night before, very often. My Love would get a certain glint in his eye a few hours before an outburst, and once I learned to recognize it, I found it terrifying.<br />
<br />
I left mine but one memory I can dig up that is similar is one fine Saturday morning, when he woke up feeling a bit ill with a cough. I took my daughter to her regular dance class then I came back to take him to an Urgent Care practice. He was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection and given a presc<x>ription, which we filled right away. Well, he harped on me that I had not taken him to a doctor "right away"; I had taken my daughter to her class first. He could have died (in reality, he had no trouble breathing)! After harping on my uncaring and negligent treatment of him, he totally detached from me and gave me the silent treatment for days. When I pushed him for an explanation of his behavior, he walked out of my house and I did not see him for weeks (we have a commuter marriage and he takes an airplane to come and stay with me).<br />
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Well, I'm glad you didn't fall into the "quicksand" on this occasion. I certainly did in the instance above. Even if I learned to manage the quicksand, however, I would not want to tolerate some other behaviors of his that I consider more serious: emotional infidelity with his all-female "support network," manipulation and demonization of my children. Best wishes.

You are the sweetest; and it is true to me as well as I would NOT tolerate infidelity. He is "true blue" also. I used the quicksand because the more we wrestle the faster and deeper we sink; it reminds me to "stay still" and let him deal with himself and NOT fall into the pit; he would not be there to pull me out, emotionally. Thanks for your reply; how sweet of you. I am so sorry that it was so convenient of him to "abandon" you; must have been a real control issue for him to be able to leave; glad YOU are out of that!!! hugs.