House Of Horrors/married 32 Years To Borderline Personality Disordered Man

I was married in 1980 when I was 18 and my husband was 17. Life was good for 7 years. We had a best friend, Brother/sister, and our marital relationship all rolled into one. Our marital bond produced 3 children He was a hard worker. He would work 14 hour days to provide for his family. I worked part time on and off.

At 8 years or so into our marriage I began to realize that he was unable to handle stress. He would use alcohol as an excuse to "Unwind". There were sporadic episode of strange behavior, I think I excused it as the stress reaction. I was not aware at the time that my life was taking a drastic turn for the worse.

The next few years were spent trying to adjust to his mood. I tried everything. Keeping the children quiet, nice dinners, movies, candles in the shower....Everything, but the drastic mood swings continued. I had a bout with migraine headaches and ulcers during this time and lost 25 pounds.

A typical episode would start days before. He would come home from work and he would be quiet and emotionally unavailable for me or the children. We could say something to him and get no response. This could go on for days. I always felt as if he was mad at me. I was always guessing if I had did something to set this off. I called this his "Brewing" stage. This stage was always a prelude to an "Episode". The time when I would have to deal with a aggressive, billigerent drunk. This stage was the most difficult and horrifying I had to deal with. Especially with young children. This would always start with him accusing me of multiple affairs, or I had did something to F*** with him. Hours of raging, throwing heavy drinking glasses by my head. Breaking furniture, etc.

There were many nights I would take children out into the the night until I was hoping he would go to sleep and then we could come back into house and have a peaceful night. Sometimes this did not happen. During this stage of his illness he has chased my children and I around the house while trying to run over us with his large truck. he has kicked me, choked me, pulled me off the bed nearly breaking my neck, stomped my foot, threw me out of motel room at 3 am on our anniversary, in city I knew nothing about,  with 5 dollars to get home.  All the time SCREAMING at the top of his voice! He also abused our children during this stage. He has thrown steel toed boots at our son, slapped our daughter and pinned our youngest one onto the table with a forearm hold....This could go on for hours!! Terrifying.

The next stage would be the next day. ( I was a willing participant in this cycle.) I have extreme guilt over this stage because of our children. I would get up the next morning, and act as if nothing had happened. I woke up up, fix breakfast, and send my children off to school as if our life was a normal, family environment. I justify this by thinking I was trying to provide them with a  loving, secure, home life. I wanted them to know that life goes on and I am always a stable, secure rock for them to hold onto in this turmoil,  that we called life. I also developed an ability to persuade my psyche that things weren't that bad..That I must have over reacted. Im sure this is how I managed to stay married all these years.

During this stage I would talk to him about the previous night behavior and he would deny it ever happened. Again saying that I was F****** with him. Either he would deny or he would leave if I was trying to talk to him about it. After a few years, I stopped trying to get him to realize that his behavior was frightening to the children and myself.  What I did  during this time,  was build my career and profession up until I could support myself if needed, and established a few credit cards for emergencies.

As time went by, and the accusations continued, then I realized that anything I told him, was going to be twisted, distorted and used against me. It could be a casual conversation I had with him during a calm stage, but somewhere it would come back to haunt me. I also realized that everything I did, there would be a consequence. My life consisted of  "consequences" that he felt I had to pay for... Frequently we would be asleep and I would wake up as he was standing over me. Mad over something he perceived I had did. 

One particular night in 2008 My youngest daughter, her boyfriend and I had gone to sleep early as she had volleyball tournament and we had to leave at 4:00 am. Boyfriend was asleep on the couch. The raging started over my cell phone. He was trying to access voicemail and in his drunken state he was unable to get password right. I was going to access my voicemail for him,  as I had nothing to hide, but the raging had already started, On this particular incident,  He went back into room and said he was going to get something to take care of me and my problem. He was coming through the hall with a rifle. My daughters boyfriend luckily knew how to disarm guns and took it away from him. We then spent the next 30 minutes disarming 30+ guns in my house!

While this was going on my husband was calling the police to tell them what a ***** I was..The dispatcher was wanting to talk to me, but he would'n't  allow  them to talk to me.   I realized he was setting himself up,  for law enforcement to perceive a hostage situation. Fortunately for all involved his brother got there as officers were arriving and was able to defuse the situation.

Sometime during this time a switch flipped in my mind.....I was unable to forget this incident. Also during this time all the other incidents I had pushed back to the back of my mind were flooding back into my memory. I simply cannot get back the feeling I had for him all those years ago.

I secured an apartment close to my children and started slowly moving items out.  I left the house to him. I look at it as a "house of torture".  After I left him,  my reputation in my career started building up,  and my income boosted in the process. I have had to endure him calling me all hours of the night or calling our children and our friends trashing me. Telling them I'm crazy etc., but I must say  I feel so much better. I am supporting myself, have enough income to provide daughter some financial support while she is in college. I can sleep now and I no longer walk on eggshells. He on the other hand is not doing so well. His health has declined and his earning capability is in question. Hes very unhappy and has tried all manipulations and mirroring to get me back.

I am finally happy in my life. I have had the best summer of my life. Lots of travel and branching out with a diverse group of friends...I often wonder if this is what is commonly called KARMA?

Enlightenedlate Enlightenedlate
Sep 7, 2012