Roller Coaster Ride

I just filed the papers for a divorce today and now I'm questioning my decision. I have been married to a BPD man for just over three years and I'm so tired of the roller coaster ride. I truly was a yo-yo being pulled by his love for me then his hatred.

He moved out almost a year ago and after a few months we sought counseling. It was at that time that a therapist said something about BPD, and it made so much sense(to me). His black and white thinking and how he loved and adored me and then he could not stand me. I used to sit at his feet and apologize for what he thought I had done, when in reality he had blown up, yelled at me, called me names and threatened divorce and I would hope that our time together on the weekends could be salvaged. But he would brood and ignore me for days at a time. He would come into the house and go straight into the bedroom and stay there.

I have one daughter from a previous marriage and she has been put through an emotional ringer. He wouldn't communicate with her, just walk by and glare at her. She couldn't figure out what she had done.

I wanted to write because now that I filed for a divorce I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. When he is nice he can be wonderful to be around but I just never know how long it will last. He starts to get withdrawn and moody for no apparent reason, only, come to find out I did something...or I didn't do something I should have...or I tried to explain my daughter's behavior. No matter what it was, I was wrong. I was blamed for everything.

I couldn't talk about anything with him because of his defensiveness. He seemed so supportive when we first met but as time went on it seemed like I disappeared. Another problem was that he was not contributing to the household bills (although he did buy groceries occasionally). When I tried to talk about sharing the financial responsibility he would get angry and tell me that he could not help and I already knew how much debt he had so I should not bring the subject up. Again, he refused to talk to me for days and I ended up apologizing.

He says that he does not have BPD and he found a therapist to agree with him (so he stopped going to therapy). He thinks I'm the problem. His text messages are so hurtful and they say all these mean things about me. I have not attacked his character like he has done to me and it just crushes me every time he does it...but then he's nice and I am pulled back in. So now I am missing him being nice to me. I feel like I'm in this horrible emotionally abusive relationship. It seems crazy that I am actually questioning this divorce.
lettgo lettgo
41-45, F
10 Responses Sep 18, 2012

I understand and I hope you've since found peace :) xo

Thank you. I am sooooo much happier! My divorce was finalized three months ago and I know that I made the right decision. Every morning I wake up happy to be free. And peace is exactly what I have in my life! :)

I never could figure out how to find this post again until now. He demanded a divorce the very next day. I've been staying with a friend for 6 weeks or so, and finally had to go file the divorce to protect myself financially.

I've been insane since I left and I would have never seen this coming my way. In a different decade, what I'm experiencing would have been called a nervous breakdown. I'm moving forward with tiny little steps and plan to leave the state December 10th. I hope you are well and that neither of us ever go back.

Oh my gosh, I am getting my divorce papers notarized today because things remain the same and he continues to overreact and blame me. I can't take the craziness anymore. Little baby steps all the way! You can do this and I too hope we never go back. The future is filled with all kinds of possibilities for you, good luck with your move :-)

Your story made me cry. I understand it so much that it felt like I was reading my own story.

Follow through with the divorce and never ever look back. The one thing bpd's are good at is having very intense relationships. I am ADHD and am drawn to the thrill and excitement of the intensity, but it is not healthy.
I filed twice but never followed through. We were separated and recently moved back in... on the hopes and promises that it would be different (again). It is never different. This isn't a curable illness, it is a lifelong struggle for them. While I sympathize, love, and want my husband's happiness, I regret not leaving. I regret moving back in. We both have children and they have been through the roller coaster and it is not fair. The only reason I am not packed up and leaving right now is because of the children. I should've stayed gone the first time, but like you, I was owning everything so I thought that with more effort I could make it work.

This isn't to say your husband is a bad person, I don't believe mine is. But this IS NOT CURABLE. You have a child to think about and those are not patterns to pass down.
I am in tears writing this, from reading your testimony. Please. Something brought you to the point of divorce, do not fall back in the trap. It is the cycle they make to keep you.

I am so very sorry. Life can change for you and it can go on. Move on, move forward, and never look back... before it is too late and he has turned you into damaged goods.

I feel like my higher power must have sent you to my page because I needed to hear what you wrote. Thank you so much for all that you said, you touched me as well.

The drama continues; he keeps telling me that he doesn't want a divorce and I feel bad pursuing a divorce and wonder if I should give him another chance. But you are right, because things never change.

He is not a bad man but I can not cure what he has. My daughter asked me the other day if my husband and I were getting back together and I told her I wasn't sure where we were headed. She looked upset so I asked her what she was thinking. She told me that he was never very nice to me so she wasn't too happy about the idea. It breaks my heart knowing that she saw him treat me badly and now even worse, that I am having such a tough time ending this relationship(back in that cycle you mentioned).

Your words and your own personal story have shed some light and perspective on my situation. Deep down I know what is healthy for my daughter and myself. I hope that you don't think of yourself as damaged goods because I think of you as an angel...thank you so much.

Leave and don't look back. As someone else said, run as if your hair is on fire. I lived with someone with BPD for five year and slowly became a person I didn't recognize. I've been out of this relationship for a year now, and I feel GREAT. I feel (and look!) 100 times better, like my old self. You can not change these people - they have a serious mental health issue and never change. But you will ...

Thanks for writing because I am still having a difficult time letting go...I keep getting hooked back in because I don't want to hurt his feelings(and he keeps telling me he does not want a divorce)....ugh! Thanks for sharing your experience because like you, I like me better now that he is out of the house, I can relax and be myself. (there is so much less stress). Thanks again :)

Dear Letgo, I sympathise and understand exactly how you are feeling- I married a man nearly 4 yrs ago (together for nearly 10 yrs) and tonite for the third time (and the last time) we have decided to separate. The decision to separate is a hard one, guilt ridden, loss of future dreams and goals we had discussed as a couple, loss of great relationship with my 2 step daughters- yet a touch of slight relief as I felt that roller coaster ride of one day he likes me and is very loving, the next day the total opposite. I have two young adult boys who were living with us and it was brought to my attention that the youngest (19) said he felt like his step father didn't want them around. Coupled With my husband's spending habits, inability to stay in one job for longer than 3 months, I needed to get out for my own self preservation, my health is at all time low, I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and are therefore on anti depressants to assist with the pain,which worsens with stress. Living with someone with a mental illness is hard - they are not bad people - they are struggling to live with themselves let alone with anyone else. Good luck to you and your daughter - go and enjoy your time together and do some of the things he frowned upon :) x

Thank you so much! It's funny that you want my daughter and I to enjoy our time together and do the things he frowned upon because that is what we have been doing. It is so nice to make plans to go somewhere and actually follow through and have a wonderful time. In the past, so many outings would be cancelled because he was mad at one of us and could not bare to be around us. I wish you all the best in your future and I hope that the fibromyalgia symptoms dissipate.

After 36 long years, I finally divorced my BPD husband. It took an amazing amount of strength and Alanon meetings, but I am so glad I did. Looking back, I wish I'd known about this disorder before I married him. It is hopeless, and he is an alcoholic as well. He cannot face his problems, and I finally realized I'm done trying to fix it for him. I'd get out ASAP, while you still have shred of dignity left.

Thank you for your response, it offed me hope and encouragement. I am pursuing the divorce and every day I wake up knowing that I'm doing the right thing for myself and my daughter.When we lived together, I used to wake up with dread, not knowing what the day would bring and what his mood was. I could never share my feelings and get the support I needed. I truly felt alone. Now I have hope in my life.

You probably need an unbiased person to help you view this from their perspective. Although you write about the damage you've suffered, and your children has suffered, you don't seem to be strong enough to make that 'break'. You're being sucked back into a dangerous and unhealthy relationship for a reason, please ask a counselor or therapist for help to find out why the peace and happiness you experience away from this man isn't enough for you.

Thanks for your advice. I see a therapist now and I have been working on these issues. I did muster the strength to respond to his pleas to give him another chance. I told him that the cycle our relationship is in, is unhealthy for me and I can't do it anymore. The divorce papers are filled out and have been sent to him. You were absolutely right that I experience peace and happiness away from him. I was always too worried about his mood swings and upsetting him. I overlooked my own needs and feelings for a very long time.

I've been with a BPD man 14 yrs married then divorced then back together again. Bright, funny, very attractive, sick, menacing, loving, hating, etc.etc. sure you know what I mean.
As a active involved professional with great kids from a previous spouse I cant' believe I've allowed myself to get sucked back in time and time again. He fits the total profile I work,read and exercise a lot trying to stay busy and not interact when he gets crazy because any reply I make will further insight his rage. Then its you dont really love me, I need you, I dont want to be alone to I'll sue you ruin you etc. I'm am planning my final escape and dont believe that therapy can help unless it is initiated by the BPD with a true desire to change.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me, I can identify with much of it. I feel like I'm getting sucked back in.

As a guy who's in the other side of a boat like this, the best advice I can give is this... Give him the ultimatum. If he seeks therapy AND shows improvement in areas he doesn't know your looking at, then maybe talk about it. If he doesn't, then run and know that you gave him EVERY possible chance... It may be hard, but if he isn't willing to fix himself, then he won't fix how he treats you

Thank you for your feedback. I feel like I did this when we went to therapy months ago and I told the therapist that I didn't see the improvement I was searching for(and the therapist agreed and suggested individual counseling for him). He found another therapist that told him he didn't have BPD so he stopped going. Now he says he does not want a divorce and that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I'm conflicted and just waiting for the other shoe to drop when he tells me what a bad person I am and how I never loved him in the first place.

He more than likely means it when he tells you that you mean the world to me, but if he has dropped out of therapy, then how are things going to improve?

I'm sorry you're second-guessing your decision to divorce. I could copy and paste your post in my name with the exception of the financial contributions. My husband convinced me that I should quit working and chill out for a while (I WAS truly miserable in my job, but I seem to posses the stick-with-it-for-as-long-as-it-takes gene). I decided to go to school full time and am in my 3rd term and have had the threat of divorce over my head each term. My performance is never enough, although I mostly get A's. My not working has helped him create the illusion that he is providing for me, although I found it necessary to remind him that I'm bringing in just a little less than he is every month.

My husband (6 year relationship) are in "marriage counseling" so he can more effectively describe my behaviors that make him nuts. My husband has seen the counselor one on one 5 times or so and tonight was the first night we've been back to see him together. Imagine my sweet surprise when the therapist asked husband if he'd be willing to have a psych eval! He actually agreed to it, although he's very good at lying to therapists - he's been at it since childhood.

Honestly, I don't have much hope that he'll take on any kind of treatment, other than the superficial going through the motions part, but it might buy me a little time to get through this term at school and try to scrape together a few bucks to move on. I'm out as soon as it makes good sense in the big picture (my mom and my daughter think I'm nuts for not leaving right now and they may be right.)

I'm an awesome woman, as I'm sure you are. I simply got duped and the psychological and physiological changes that took place in me, while in relationship with this guy, were confusing and exciting and different and intriguing, and I just couldn't let it go any of the 4 or 5 times he moved out when we lived in my house.

I hope you are able to follow through, and just know that I'm hoping that I'm not far behind you. I feel confident that I will have to move out of the state and change my number (or at least block his number) in order to stay out. I fantasize about not being able to see him physically until I have moved on, and that won't be anytime soon.

This is the first time I've posted on a board about anything. Clearly, I'm not alone.

SG42, Thank you for your response and sharing so openly. Everyday I wake up and I'm happy to be me. I feel like I'm getting stronger and your words have helped. I hope that you too are not far behind me. You are right though because it is hard with him texting and e-mailing...hard because I still love him. But I know this is not a healthy relationship for me. Good luck and stay strong...no matter what your decision, to stay or go, stay strong and be true to yourself.