So This Is What It Is!
I came across the BPD Family website and started reading about BPD. Bingo. Feels like it did when I realized I was being verbally and emotionally abused. Some relief to know I am not alone but also sad.
My husband is extremely verbally and emotionally abusive, rages, needs everyone to agree with him and be like him. Gets furious if our daughters express any ideas or likes similar to mine.
When we first met, he seemed really nice and loving. He needed me which probably was attractive to me at the time. He put me on a pedastal. That didn't last too long. He constantly puts me down and I am rarely "good enough" so life is like walking on eggshells. He refuses any responsibility and things are always my fault. Nobody can be trusted. Everyone is out to get him. If everyone were Jewish and like him, the world would be a better place, etc.
Reading about the black/white, projecting, etc. clarifies everything. But, reading about "how to help someone with BPD," how to live with it, etc. just makes me feel incredibly sad. I know - in sickness and in health, for better, for worse but I am still waiting for the better. Do I need to spend the rest of my life being put down, mistrusted, belittled, yelled at, ordered around, ignored, not given any affection? Life is like a cycle between being ignored and being berated. I am teaching my daughters to read his moods to see if we can tell him things or ask for things. We can't travel much or do much of anything as a family b/c we have to accomodate him. My kids know everything yet he blames their sadness on me and "my people."
It is isolating, sad, depressing, and horrible to be married to someone like this. Hardly a relationship. I don't want to feel guilty for wanting happiness. We get one time around and time goes by. I don't want to wait till my kids are grown b/c then I will be in my 50s....and don't my daughters deserve love and a supportive environment?
I work so hard with my girls so they learn the value of helping and respecting others and themselves b/c they live with a total lack of respect for others and their individuality. My mother in law and husband cross the line all the time. They think nothing of criticizing you about your clothes, appearance, what you made for dinner, parenting choices, etc. They put down everyone who isn't rich or like them.