So This Is What It Is!

I came across the BPD Family website and started reading about BPD.  Bingo.  Feels like it did when I realized I was being verbally and emotionally abused.  Some relief to know I am not alone but also sad.

My husband is extremely verbally and emotionally abusive, rages, needs everyone to agree with him and be like him.  Gets furious if our daughters express any ideas or likes similar to mine. 

When we first met, he seemed really nice and loving.  He needed me which probably was attractive to me at the time.  He put me on a pedastal.  That didn't last too long.  He constantly puts me down and I am rarely "good enough" so life is like walking on eggshells.  He refuses any responsibility and things are always my fault.  Nobody can be trusted.  Everyone is out to get him.  If everyone were Jewish and like him, the world would be a better place, etc.

Reading about the black/white, projecting, etc. clarifies everything. But, reading about "how to help someone with BPD," how to live with it, etc. just makes me feel incredibly sad.  I know - in sickness and in health, for better, for worse but I am still waiting for the better.  Do I need to spend the rest of my life being put down, mistrusted, belittled, yelled at, ordered around, ignored, not given any affection?  Life is like a cycle between being ignored and being berated.  I am teaching my daughters to read his moods to see if we can tell him things or ask for things.  We can't travel much or do much of anything as a family b/c we have to accomodate him.  My kids know everything yet he blames their sadness on me and "my people."

It is isolating, sad, depressing, and horrible to be married to someone like this.  Hardly a relationship.  I don't want to feel guilty for wanting happiness.  We get one time around and time goes by.  I don't want to wait till my kids are grown b/c then I will be in my 50s....and don't my daughters deserve love and a supportive environment?

I work so hard with my girls so they learn the value of helping and respecting others and themselves b/c they live with a total lack of respect for others and their individuality.  My mother in law and husband cross the line all the time.  They think nothing of criticizing you about your clothes, appearance, what you made for dinner, parenting choices, etc.  They put down everyone who isn't rich or like them.


staystrong92 staystrong92
41-45, F
6 Responses Aug 8, 2008

Staystrong92; Get out! I am stuck with my situation because of joint property and companion animals we both love. I am married to a hateful, cruel man who makes me feel like dogshit under his shoe. DO NOT GO INTO MIDDLE AGE WITH A CRAZY MAN WHO CANNOT BE "FIXED". You may not out live him. Good luck.

Oh wow. You just described my husband! I am very stuck.....cause just like any other illness, I feel I must try everything I can to help him see, cope, and be heard. Yet at the same time, I battle constantly with growing resentment for the way he treats us and the possibility of long-term problems resulting from us "stickin it out" and acting "strong".....putting our own rights as human beings aside for someone who doesn't even seem to want to look inside himself or see the larger, ugly, sad picture.

I'm also in a relationship with a man I strongly suspect has BPD. I have known there was something "wrong" (for lack of a better word) with him for a long time....we have been together 17 years, but despite researching I was never able to find anything that fit completely, until now. I started reading and suddenly all the craziness and chaos of my relationship started to make sense; it has been so textbook it's almost funny. I'm still learning about his disorder and recognizing how I add to the dysfunction and working on that. I wish you strength and peace...xoxo

I walked away 8 years ago.... didn't want my four children to grow up with that 25/7. Good luck.

Boy does this sound familiar. Yes, the projecting, black/white, the lack of respect, the lack of support, the paranoia. And I am still with hubby and trying to find my own set of happiness (and failing miserably). I think that what is needed is "me time" when I spend so much focus on him. And I make sure the kids are doing stuff that doesn't involve him. I only involve him when I know he thinks something is interesting. That way, no conflict. Not a great way to live, but what else to do right now? I hate this too.<br />
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I wish you all the luck in the world, and best wishes in "finding" yourself.

Hey - <br />
I am going to post my story too, but it seems your husbandis not going to get help. Before my H was diagnosed, I was ready to walk. The only thing keeping me with him waas our children. I did not (and still don't) want him to get any custody. He is not sane. I was (and still am) ready to bide my time until our girls were old enough to "defend" themselves or choose where they wanted to be so I could leave him. I HATE this disease.