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Here I Am, Now What???

Rich is my second husband. We have been together for seven years, the first abandoned me with two very young kids, and Rich took me in and financially supported us all. In fact, he still does.(ex-husband has not ever been back around for the kids) I am working on getting my degree, and I take care of the household. Most of the time he is a sweetheart, he is very loving and he is a good father. But, my husband turns into a raging lunatic at least once a month. He blows up for any little thing and becomes a foul mouthed, scary, evil man. He has pushed me around, but has not yet punched me, although he has threatened to do so. He is also a physically big man. He is 6'3 and 265lbs, I'm 5'4 and a lot smaller than him. My two kids are now 13 and 9. He blows up at them too. today, I had to put myself between him to block him from punching my 13 year old son because he was crying for my husband to stop yelling at me. I can handle Rich, but, I am afraid that this is going to do permanent damage to my kids.They have already been through sooo much with their dad abandoning them. I cannot afford to leave my husband. I do not work and there is no where for me to go. without him there is no money for food, a roof over our heads, a vehicle or anything. He provides a good life for us. I am not willing to become homeless and live in a shelter, I think that would even be a worse situation for the kids. Rich went through the same life that he is putting us through. His father acted just the same as he does now. Rich loved his father very much, but, was also very afraid that if he made one wrong move, his dad would blow up at him. Rich's mom used to get between his dad and the kids, just like I do. Rich spent much of his time as a kid just avoiding his dad and trying to not get in his way.
now, Rich's parents are older, and his dad has seemed to calm down, he is no longer explosive. He doesn't blow up at all.
so what do I do??? will my husband grow out of it too? he is 38 years old... how much longer do i have to wait?
angi7112 angi7112 36-40, F 3 Responses Feb 13, 2013

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Angie, With kids that age you can definitely go out and work away from the home. You may have a hard time at first, but I doubt you'll be homeless. You can start off in a domestic abuse shelter/refuge; they usually have social services to help you branch into economical housing.
These episodes you describe must be traumatic for the kids. I don't think it's worth any amount of money or the false sense of security that this bully provides.

I should add that if you wait too long, there is the chance you will regret the years of walking on eggshells. A therapist may help you decide what to do. In the end, your hubby's actions may cross the line and make your decision more obvious.

I am married to a similar guy, although he doesn't get physical and I don't fear physical violence. However, the monthly rages became too much and after a particularly bad weekend I ended up getting a restraining order.

In your case, you have money and the kids to consider. I think you should plan stealthily, make a game out of it. Hide a pocket tape recorder in your sock. Talk to a marriage counselor who specializes in personality disorders. See if you can get hubby to go to counseling too.

On some level he probagbly knows that he is diong this and that it's wrong, but he is not going to change unless you leave, and I know you can't afford to do that (and it might not work anyway).

You can just learn how to cope with the rages (bpdfamily.com is a good site for help) for now, and if things get bad, file a restraining order to get him out of the house. When you do that, you can ask for interim custody and a judge will order him to give you payments (if he adopted them or they're his). He may be angry at first, but over time he may see the light.

However, you don't sound ready to leave, and you may not have to. I wasn't ready until my hubby did some extreme stuff. Until that happens, read up on BPD, be smart and crafty, and protect your kids.