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I Married a Music Man

 Over the years I've been asked the question, what's it like being married to a musician? That's such a tricky one to answer, because the answer is, it depends on the day. Music has always been one of the most personal and vital parts to my being. So marrying a musician seemed only logical. My life as musician's wife has actually been a number of different roles over the years. Each one different depending the phase of life we were living. When I met him he was jut a guy in a band playing at a party. When we started dating he was a professional Bluesman, touring the US and Canada, headlining blues festivals across the country.

The first phase was my "Killing Me Softly" phase. Seeing the music man onstage for the first time. "There he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes, Strumming my pain with his fingers, Singing my life with his words killing me softy with his song, telling my whole life, with his words" Truly a moment when the world around me stopped, and I knew I would forever be changed.

Once we began dating I entered into my "Magic Man" phase. The week we started dating he whisked me away to Long Beach. My friends thought I was crazy, my parents trusted my instincts and gave me enough money for a bus home just in case.... "Come on home, girl he said with a smile, I cast my spell of love on you a woman from a child! But try to understand, try to understand I'm a magic man!" And he did cast a spell, one that I've yet to shake...

Being alone while he was gone was a hard thing to get used to. This of course was entering into my "So Far Away" and my "Save Tonight" phases. "One more song about moving along the highway, Can't say much of anything that's new, If I could only work this life out my way, I'd rather spend it being close to you, But you're so far away"Oh, the phone bills were outrageous, and the nights I spent starring up at an empty sky missing him seemed endless. Then he would come home, and we would spend every possible moment together. Until inevitably we would find ourselves on our last night. We would do our best just as the song Save Tonight says, "Save tonight and fight the break of dawn, come tomorrow - tomorrow I'll be gone, save tonight and fight the break of dawn, come tomorrow - tomorrow I'll be gone"

Over time being on the road wears thin. For the girl left behind, and the man alone on the bus. The decision to leave the band and come home after years of being on the road, didn't come easy for him. In his heart he knew it was time, and though I did my best to be supportive either way, in my heart I just wanted him home for good. Years later I would I swore I heard Michael Buble sing about the night that I drove to the Oakland Airport and picked up my music man. The night he left the road for good. "Another aeroplane, Another sunny place, I’m lucky I know, But I wanna go home, Mmmm, I’ve got to go home".

Then we began our life together. He immersed himself back into the bay area blues scene and hooked up a gig with a local Blues legend. I was able to join him on most gigs, and began to see what it was like to be part of the scene myself. Part of the band, part of that second family, in spite of the fact I was so much younger than everyone else. By this time we were engaged. I was no longer the "girlfriend" I was his Old lady, his woman, his fiance. Or as I remember it, his tiny dancer. Truly living the life with him. "Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band, Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man, Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand, And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand"

In time that gig too would end. He was ready to start fronting his own band again, and he started playing at a new club downtown. This quickly snowballed into him becoming the hottest ticket in town. Headlining our summer festivals, charity events, monthly shows, even hosting a weekly jam night, that anybody who was anybody came out for. Being that we were married by this time, it was truly a different experience. I was as well known as he was, just from being his wife. I helped promote some of those charity gigs, and events. What I remember most of those days, is late in the evening after the bar would close..."First thing I remember when you came into my life ,I said I wanna get that girl no matter what I do, Well I guess I've been in love before and once or twice have been on the floor, But I've never loved no-one the way that I love you..and I love you, And it was late in the evening, and all the music's seeping through"

Becoming a mother forever changed my role as musicians wife. Suddenly, I wasn't able to go to his gigs or stay out late at the bar. That feeling of being left out, though silly, was hard to handle at first. Another woman married to a music man had obviously had some similar late night phone calls as the ones I had during that time. The nights I would look over at the clock, waiting for his gig to end, and these words would float through my head... "Just a few more hours and I'll be right home to you, I think I hear them callin', Oh, Beth what can I do, Beth what can I do?" 

Though my husband does play every couple months, and a few outdoor shows during the summer, his biggest fans are actually the two little ones that call him daddy. I get as much a kick out of watching him captivate them with his guitar as I ever did the huge crowds at all those Blues Festivals and classy clubs. The trick to being a married to a music man? Being faithful. Faithful to him, to my kids, to our life together, to myself, and of course, faithful to the music that brought us together in the first place. "Right down the line it's been you and me, And loving a music man ain't always what it's supposed to be, Girl you stand by me, I'm forever yours, faithfully" 

Meghan1018 Meghan1018 31-35, F 10 Responses Sep 5, 2008

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I am married to a Lighting Design who works for those musicians. He's gone at least 6 months a year. This is what he LOVES to do, this is who he is and I could never stiffle that and demand he stay home. I knew this was part of the package when I got involved with him. First advice I would give anyone about to enter into a marriage with anyone- regardless of job is "he is who he is and support it or walk away. You can't change anyone and have them be happy" Find your own career and understand being alone is not all the bad for you.

Going on tour with him is awful. While I love to see the band and the other crew members, it's like this, we wake up on the bus, get out, find food and toilet. Sit at FOH and stare at the back of his head for the next 12 hours, become surrounded by thousands of people having a great time, load out, get back on the bus, share a tiny 3' wide bunk, wake up and do it all over the next day and pray there is a shower in my future. When we finally do see a hotel room he is so exhausted all he wants to do it sleep although he makes a huge effort to stay away it is hard for him too. I'd rather stay home and live my life.

My husband of three years has been playing with these guys for a while now.... They had their first show a month or so ago in front of a sold out crowd and already investors are knocking on the door. I wasn't really prepared for this, ( i was thinking it would take at least a year or two for them to really take off) my husband was supposed to start his masters program this fall.... I'm excited for him but also scared to death. What would this look like? The guys have asked me to go on tour with them, I am very low maintenance and I think I could do it... But I can't find any stories of wives going on tour with their man. I really don't know if I could handle him being gone for months at a time. So this seems like a good solution. Are there any wives out there who go on tour with their husbands? I would love some perspective before we jump into this.

I am married to a Lighting Design who works for those musicians. He's gone at least 6 months a year. This is what he LOVES to do, this is who he is and I could never stiffle that and demand he stay home. I knew this was part of the package when I got involved with him. First advice I would give anyone about to enter into a marriage with anyone- regardless of job is "he is who he is and support it or walk away. You can't change anyone and have them be happy" Find your own career and understand being alone is not all the bad for you.
Going on tour with him is awful. While I love to see the band and the other crew members, it's like this, we wake up on the bus, get out, find food and toilet. Sit at FOH and stare at the back of his head for the next 12 hours, become surrounded by thousands of people having a great time, load out, get back on the bus, share a tiny 3' wide bunk, wake up and do it all over the next day and pray there is a shower in my future. When we finally do see a hotel room he is so exhausted all he wants to do it sleep although he makes a huge effort to stay away it is hard for him too. I'd rather stay home and live my life.

Married 23 years to a guitar player in a famous classic rock band. Honestly, life on the road sucks, but I still do it for my husband. My kids, now 21 and 19, literally grew up in the back of a tour bus. I did whatever it took to keep my family together but I did sacrafice having a life of my own. My whole family's existance has revolved around my husbands career. I recently asked my daughter if she felt like she missed things growing up a nomad nine months of the year and I was thrilled by her response, it is the same as I have always felt, "I wouldnt change a thing about it". I wish I had some fail safe advise for you but there is none. You just have to adjust to life on the road and if you decide to go with your husband remember while you are traveling its all about him but when you come home it has to be all about you. Life on the road is not for everyone but in my family's case it just made us stronger.

My best friend died last week. I was so very very sick about it. My blood pressure was sooooo high, my head was pounding with a migrane, I was sick to my stomach and light sensitive. I thought my head would explode with pain. Where was my man....you guessed it, with his band. We're married for 31 years, nothing changes.

I've been dating a musician for 2 years now. We love each deeply. He's my best friend and he always says, we know each others' souls. I met him just as he was starting to tour pretty aggressively with one of the bands he performs with. I think that year he was on the road almost about 7 or 8 months. I'd fly out and meet him, but as you probably already know, most bands are in a different city each day. That made visiting him tricky and most of the time impossible or too expensive. On top of that I work full time, so my schedule wasn't the most flexible. It has always been hard for me when he leaves on the road. I am an independent woman - I've traveled alone quite a bit. However every time he left, I missed him badly. Talking on the phone didn't cut it. I needed his presence, his affection, that quality time together. Trust was never an issue for us. I trusted him without question and vice versa. Dealing with the inconsistency, my life and our time together entirely dictated by his tour schedule has taken its toll. I understand that making a living creating and performing is his life's passion and goal. At times it feels like in order to make a relationship like that work, really means the woman has to sacrifice. I think okcasey is right that you are 2nd, 3rd or 4th priority at times. And if you can be happy with that, then you can probably do it. He and I are at a fork in the road. We love each other deeply. I always thought we were ideally compatible. But I've realized that if what you want for your lifestyle isn't on the same page, it's going to get frustrating. I think what is comes down too, is that just as our musicians have to be true to themselves, we must also be true our wants and needs too.

Well, well ladies. To be attached to a true musician you must put yourself, 2nd 3rd or even fourth at times. I have been married to a musician for 30 years and I would not change it for a anything. It has been very very tough at times, late nights, gigs, equipiment, the dissappointments the victories. The shows in front of 1000's and the show in front of an almost empty house. My wonderful man was so close so many times to "making it" but that's tough on it's own. It is not easy but it comes with understanding that YOU may not understand if you don't have inside of you what they have inside of them. It's a choice to love him no matter what. The writer of the story has hit the nail on the head when she said to remember it was the music that brought you together and being faithful. You have to love them hard and at times (a lot of times) take care of yourself. But just the other night as we sat in our living room with the lights low and a glass of wine and he sings for me..I love him, he is tortured and special and sweet and silly and never content. But he is mine and I love him....

I have been married to a musician for 12 years. In just the past couple of years he has truly been following his passion publicly. He has become somewhat of a celebrity locally. I just don't know how to handle all of it. It is exciting, but also uncomfortable for me at times. He is hoping to find good management so he can go on to bigger and better things. I have agreed to all of this because I want him to follow his passion, but I just didn't realize how hard it was going to be for me.



Thank you for saying the key is faithfulness. My own insecurities undermine my ability to trust him at times, and I needed to hear it from another wife of a musician that it is possible to overcome it and just enjoy all what you love about your man.

I feel your pain. There are going to be people who want to make you distrust him, and he is going to evade you on topics, which leads to mistrust. I'm sure you already know this. Just remember, it isn't all you - when he is always with strangers and you're not there, it's going to work on your mind. I've been with a professional bluesman for 11 years, and I am so glad I found this forum. You will not get sympathy from others who live traditional lives about marrying a musician. You have to talk with other band wives. This is a very old career choice, going back 1,000s of years, and while the work can be intermittent when it pays it pays. Treating him as if there's something else he should be doing instead will only make you both miserable, and your friends and family will be happy about that misery.

i couldn't hack it...



it was fine before we had a child, but after that, he went downnnn hillll. he just WASN'T AROUND! he hasnt signed been signed to a label and he's not touring. he's playing local bars and working a 9-5, so there is NOT time for me and our son.



finally, after being together for 4 1/2 years total, married for 18 months, we separated. it got to the point where he wasnt around and i just didn't even care to fight about it anymore. then he would be around and he felt like an 'outsider' ...well, me and our son formed a routine and he didnt like it...



now, we are good co-parents and have been separated a year. this week, we're suppose to write our divorce papers out...we'll see.



we're both dating, no so much him though cause the band is his priortiy and he has no time to date (his words, not mine. he also mention our son as a pritioirty)

@trguitartech I'm in the same position as you, i just recently got engaged to an up coming musician, although mine has recently graduated and started his 9-5 job, however now he's signing his record deal he'll quite his job to tour and produce more music, the only thing i can say is if you love him and know he is the one forever, you have to support what ever decision he chooses he needs to do this to prove that he can, you can't let him become the bitter old man that will always have that thought what if? we have talked about how we are going to handle this with children and stability, we decided since i still have a year of collage left, i'll go with him when he traveling and when we decided on children then i'll stay home and as we have a great support system of family around us so i'm sure we both can handle anything. but what will happen in the future i'm not sure, things could change, but thats a chance i'm willing to take :)

I'm currently engaged to an up and coming musician. In fact, his band will most likely be signed to a record company soon. This (as you already know) means touring and more out of town gigs. For as long as we've been together (over 6 years), he's been a musician. But I always assumed when we got older and ready to settle down together, music would become more of a hobby. I was more assured when he graduated with a college degree last year, I felt like he was finally starting to see that music just isn't a stable enough career choice for a future married man/father. I worry I'm not strong enough to be married to a touring musician. Although I'm completely self relient, I need him around. I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I don't want to lose him either. I'm so scared if I mention this to him, he'll be offended or blow me off. I know this is something he's dreamt of for years, but I have dreams too. My dream is to be married to a man who works a 9 to 5 and have a family...a normal life. Do you have ANY advice? I would really appreciate it! Thanks sooooo much in advanced!

wow...sounds way too familiar. I'm so glad my music man is home these days! The road can be REALLY tough on the marriage..... when we are stuck at home! Oh' how I had a love/ hate relationship with the after show calls & the getting up with a baby 4 hours later.....

peace & love,