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I Married An Emotionally Abusive Woman

I am a man who married an emotionally abusive control maniac.  It was less at the beginning of our relationship, I think.  It’s hard to know.  I think I loved her and respected her and ignored it then. 

 

My wife will criticize anything anybody does that is different than how she would have done it.  I didn’t use to be the type to back down easily when I  know I am right.  My wife will never ever back down.  So we have had many disagreements that never got resolved.  Many times we fought over things where both sides were somewhat valid.  We are both educated and knowledgeable.  But in terms of what is socially appropriate, I acknowledge my deficiency.  

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Eventually I saw how this butting heads was only hurting, not helping our relationship.  Duh, trying to prove her wrong didn’t make her respect me.  I can see the error in that, but am not sure of the correct approach.

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Now I let her go without defending myself.  She is getting worse.  She tends to be subtle, minor comments, and I wonder why I let it hurt me so.  Most times I can kinda let it go, but when she does it in front of the kids, ‘correcting’ me to them, or making under-the-breath disrespectful comments, it really bothers me because the kids tend to lose respect for me.  If I confront her, she will argue her position, and work to ‘prove’ that her way is better.  Or she will say basically ‘whatever’, I am being too picky.  Well, yes, the issue itself is often petty, but her undercutting me is what I am concerned about.  However, again, she will never, ever, back down, so nothing changes.  Mostly I try to put it out of my mind as soon as possible.

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She got it from her dad, also from her maternal grandmother.  Her dad is a perfectionist, and his love and respect is performance based.  Her maternal grandmother was (in my wife’s words) “mean, controlling, emotionally abusive, always trying to create problems between other family members.”

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Does a person like this ever recognize what they are like, and change?

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Are there any appropriate ways of dealing with this?

mikebob mikebob 46-50, M 61 Responses Mar 10, 2008

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I married an emotionally abusive woman about 14 years ago, after dating for 5 years. She is 2 1/2 years older than me and always seemed to have the upper hand in our relationship because of that - especially since there were a couple of years where I was still in college and she was the primary income earner. She can be dazzling and admirable in many ways, but she always is negative and critical. She sets up her own standards for how people should live, and anyone who doesn't meet those high standards is demonized. She insulted me cruelly and harshly just about every day, and always couched it up as sarcasm, and accused me of being too sensitive for not liking it. I have thick skin, but the constant criticism was grinding. What was even tougher on me is she never, ever, ever said I'm sorry. I am quick to forgive. Very. But she never exercised an ounce of contrition. She criticized the hell out of me and others, but couldn't take a bit of constructive criticism herself. After 13 years of marriage and 18 years together, I decided I just couldn't take the negativity anymore. It was not only affecting me, but other innocent people around us. She fired two of our domestic employees for no reason at all, blaming them for gross incompetence that really didn't exist. She asked me one night why I was so unhappy and blase at home - and I told her it was because I just had to withdraw from the negative environment that she created. She threatened to leave me and I said, great, please do. The next morning I moved out and never looked back. The next several months were incredibly painful because I had been so emotionally trapped and dependent on her. And our kids blamed me for the breakup in our marriage. But after about 9 months, I emerged from the fog and realized that life was so much better without her - I learned how to forge new relationships again, and realized that a worthwhile relationship is one built on partnership and mutual respect. I have never been happier in my life now, and despite going through some scary emotional times after the breakup, feel like it is the single best action I have ever taken in my life. If you are in a relationship like this, get out. She/He won't change, and as time goes on, things get worse, and it's only harder to do. Get out now. Life gets better.

I've dated a few of these "charmers" and it's sad to see how some women get treated by them. These are the types of men you have to earn their respect. If you don't have boundaries then you can't expect them to respect you because that is just how they are. They will tell you this in the beginning of getting to know them. Some people just aren't meant for each other there isn't anything wrong with that, find someone else. But every charmer I've dated has fallen in love with me and I am getting married to one next summer and we love each other deeply. He tells me everything about him and he goes out of his way to make me happy. I love him so much. Like I said some people work and some don't. And both people contribute to how a relationship turns out. These men aren't all evil.

I am having a hard time dealing with this very problem. I have been married for over 12 years, and involved with my wife for 14 years. She has always had issues with anger and managing stress. I realized this before we got married. After we married, she became more and more critical and hateful towards me. For years now, I have come home with the expectation that I am probably going to be yelled at for something. I can understand that when you live with someone, you are going to get frustrated with that person from time to time. But my wife gets nasty and personal when she gets upset. She'll make comments about my family, she'll accuse me of being selfish, or being stupid, etc. She is hyper-critical, demeaning, insulting, and cruel with the comments she makes. She has also become very controlling and pretty much wants to know where I have been and what I have been doing each day. If she discovers that I have done something for myself, like maybe go for a run or ride my bike, she insinuates that I should have been working or doing something for our family. She'll tell me I'm selfish whenever I even think about engaging in some personal endeavor. In the last few years, she has started using these harsh tactics against my oldest daughter, who is 8. On a couple of occasions she has gotten physical with my daughter. This has brought me to the point where I feel like I have to do something. We've even agreed to split up a couple of times in the past year, but I keep going back. I'm starting to wonder now if there is something wrong with me. Why can't I just get out? If not for my own sake, then for the sake of my kids? I keep telling myself that I've got to gut it out because in the long run it is in the best interest of my kids to be in an intact home with both parents. But in reality, it is surely better for them to not be in the presence of two people who are so toxic for one another. It seems like if we split, then they would at least get to spend half of their time in a sane environment. Thanks for reading, and I'm interested in hearing your feedback.

It's a relief to know that I am not alone, but also not a relief to know that many suffer this kind of fate (what a paradox). I've been into my marriage 3 years now with the same issues.

My wife is fond of name calling especially whenever I make a mistake. She likes calling me "stupid" or "idiot" in a mocking manner whether we are alone or somebody is with us. She would even do this with our 2 and a half year old child watching. When I protested about this verbal abuse, she would say that I am just sensitive and that I shouldn't take those words at their face value and that it is just her expression. It really hurts to hear words implying that you are no longer respected, especially ones that come from your spouse.

One time, I accidentally hit her face with my elbow because I was trying to get something. Despite my apologies, she was very angry and returned the favor by smacking my face also. To say that I was shocked by her response is an understatement. This happened in front of our relatives. I was hurt physically yet more importantly emotionally.

She also wouldn't care less to humiliate me in public whenever I do something that she thinks is wrong.

Whenever I do something wrong, I am quick to apologize. But when it's her turn, apologizing is 1 in a trillion. And if she did apologize, it isn't heartfelt for she has reservations...reservations in the sense that she will still add minute amounts of blame on me while apologizing.

It's sad to say that whenever I am with her, I am at my most uncomfortable. I am constantly afraid (yes, afraid) that I might make mistakes both in my words and in my deeds. It seems as though that behaving as I am is an aggression to her. The result is I have become a robot. I am no longer myself when I am with her.

At this very moment I feel sad. I feel unloved, taken for granted, and disrespected. Many times I have contemplated many things: divorce, suicide, and many more other nasty things. But how could I thinking about my son's welfare?

Do I still love her despite all of these? How can I love others when I cannot love myself by letting all these abuses happen?

I Have been through a relationship exactly as you have described this one to be. The only advice that is worth anyone's attention is to leave and as soon as possible. It is incredibly hard at first, at least it was for me because I unwittingly became dependent on her slowly over time for my emotional state and even my self esteem. I felt isolated, alone and afraid to tell anyone close to me because deep down I knew they would only tell me to do the thing I didn't feel I could at the time, which was to leave and never look back "Relationship wise".

Also dont make excuses for her behavior i.e "She got it from her dad, also from her maternal grandmother. Her dad is a perfectionist, and his love and respect is performance based. Her maternal grandmother was (in my wife’s words) “mean, controlling, emotionally abusive". Truth is she is the way she is because she personally chose to adopt those personality traits, no one forced them on her".

If I can break this cycle then so can anyone, your stronger than you think, trust me. You just need to find your feet again. She will do/say anything to stop this from happening as any school yard bully also does. You sound like a loving/caring person it time to find someone who will appreciate you. They are rare but their out there. Stay strong :)

I am also in a emotionally abusive relationship. My wife constantly belittles me and questions everything I do. The only way she seems to know how to communicate is yelling. It is very rare that she calmly talks to me or our kids. I have been married to her 13 years and have always done anything and everything I can to make her happy. But for about two years now she has lost her rocker and started acting this bad. She sleeps in a seperate room, takes her own vacation, and is constantly unhappy with me and our kids. It is questionable that she was having an affair before we moved about 6months ago. Keeping her happy and being married 13 years we have acquired our fair share of debt. If I try to talk to her about any of our problems marital or financial I of course get my head bit off. With all this being said I have no idea how to proceed. She won't allow us to seek psychological help either. I am stuck and have no idea how to fix it or end it civil.

Married close to 10 yrs. I have a feeling my wife has BPD, we went to see a psychologist and was told by the Dr. that she needs years of therapy. Emotional, verbal & physical abuse. My life has been threatened on a couple of occasions by her. My 6 yr old daughter's attitude changes when my wife comes home from work. From a little girl who listens to me, to one that mocks and disobeys me. She hears the abuse coming from my wife on a daily basis. She can go from one extreme to the other, it's like she has a different personality when she gets upset. I don't believe she would ever hurt my daughter, but I think in her rages she could hurt me. I find myself shutting down emotionally around her, I have become numb to a lot of what she says. I keep trying to remember the woman I fell in love with and the good things she does, but it's hard when I am the emotional punching bag for all the abuse she endured while she was a child. She refuses to do anymore counseling, she only went a few times and is under the belief that the counselor should have 'fixed' her by now, so now she is 'ok'. I am the blame for all of her unhappiness, she threatens to leave but when I tell her to go ahead, she just puts me down more and tells me she is just 'too lazy' right now. If I do something thoughtful for her, she doesn't remember it after a day or so. The abuse comes back. She has threatened that if I ever called the police on her she would hurt herself and blame it on me, saying that they would believe her and I would be the one in trouble.

I have caught her in numerous lies, her financial situation is a mess, we have separate checking accounts. I have given her thousands to bail her out of her credit card debt, only for her to rack up the charges again. I pay all the bills in the house and she is always asking for money. We both work full time and I don't make a lot more than she does. My fear is losing my daughter, even half the time though I know you shouldn't stay in a marriage because of the children, it's just so difficult. I just don't know what happened to the woman the supposedly fell in love with me.

Hey guys i think my fiancee in an emotional abuser evrything thingis her way if i try n help am not doing it righht, we wrre very happy at first then she began controlling when we have sex im not into the outdoor part of sex which she got me to do she use to alwY go on aboug sex wiyh her ex n how thry use to sniff cocaind n have sex yet if i tell her she pulls a face youve been engagdd two years now bin together three right now sex is on her ssay so if she isnt happy about something thats it i aint getting it for weeks at a time as a 31 year old im in a position were i have to mastibate am at my wits ends now if i go out its with her not alone i dont have a social life unless shes there she says her exs have cheatd on her i hardly have aany ffiendna

Hi everyone,

New to this, I just recently realised my wife is an emotional abuser. I have 4 young children with her, eldest is 8 youngest is 10 months. I met her in London whilst she was traveling, we began a relationship, we traveled back to aus so I can meet her family and see aus. Her family seemed very good, came to a conclusion that raising children there is better than London. We made plans. Anyhow, she was pregnant with our first, my parents sheltered and supported us under there roof whilst I saved my income, geez she even studied, however the signs were there. She didn't help much, we went back to see her family all paid for by me. She wanted to move in to our own place which I thought was valid, perhaps that is what was bothering her. Behold I spent the next 6 months with a woman who sat on her ***, no cleaning, no washing, no shopping nothing, come home once found my 7 month old girl eating poo from the nappy she found. She would leave the house if confronted, didn't know if she was ok or what was happening just disappeared overnight. I somehow felt isolated I had my family but couldn't talk. My mother was disgusted when visiting she had clean once and cook me a meal while she sat there. Eventually she blamed it on missing her family, began using this as a reason to go home. We were going to anyway, but not for another 2 years, when I was thinking about it and talking about it, she got upset one day and weaponised my daughter. Told me she was going with her, if I wanted to go then I can come.

That was the first of many. I have been made to feel guilty about anything I do not want to do until I do it or last resort is weaponise the children. I feel this whole time she has been after children and home. I have built the house up to have an income. I never felt like she cared about me. I nearly died last year with a ruptured appendix due to so much stress. She has become worse. My two daughters suffer from wetting them selves. I now realise this woman has caused so much anxiety. Of course it's everyone else that did it. She has something wrong with her. She can stay in bed for 2/3 days if she didn't like what I say. She has walking our on the kids many times. Geez just recently left my 2 year old a sleep in a cot while going out for over 2 hrs to pick up her ebay purchases.

She never cleans or cooks. She can leave dirty wet washing for weeks.
So unorganised.

I have also found out she did this going to bed behaviour before she met me. So it's not me.

I think she has bipolar type 2

The marriage has come to an end, I no longer want this, I need to save my children, I just don't know how. Her family no nothing of her behaviour. They see her happy, she puts it on, they see me unhappy and run down. They somehow think it's ok it must be me.

I need to save my children, there is no one else that can. I need help. I'm dad in aus but they favour women. I had a chance 10 months ago to get us safe, but through guilt I allowed this woman thinking my children needed her.

I failed them I feel

Get yourself into counseling. Document and keep copious records of her neglectful parenting and abusive behavior. Next time she runs off leaving the kids unattended, use your legal system and make a record of her abandonment. Work your exit plan. In the meantime, protect your procreative resources and do not impregnate her. Another pregnancy will only thicken and increase the chains that bind you to this harpie. Your kids will not benefit from a selfish child posing as parent. Draw a line in the sand of the dealbreakers and follow through.

this absolutely beautifully written... i thought of having it spoken over music, or as the opening (spoken words) of a song... i would have to get your consent to do so first

hi, Im costas wife. I read this a year ago while googling emotional abuse. I didn't reply directly to costa because I don't want to stir up dust. its important that you know that relationship like this usually draw in two very broken people from the beginning especially for it to last 10yrs. I was co-dependant. I live with the guilt every day that I made my children endure the trauma of that life for so long. drawing a line in the sand is exactly what I did all the times I left costa. I asked him to leave but he would never. It was my family that kept telling me to go back to him. they thought living in a split family was to damaging for the kids. I had many issues don't get me wrong some of which where pushing costa too hard too soon to be responsible when he was not able to be that person at age 22. I was 19 when we had our eldest daughter. worked through the pregnancy and received maternity allowance to pay my way in London while I studied. working late nights, studying without a car and being pregnant took its toll, I was tired by the time baby came along. not that I should of had to do that when we where together any money I earned was ours and any money he earned was his. I tried to get out of the parents house as you can imagine if two people are so f'd in the head their parents are probably worse. so costas parents fought constantly with each other. it was a horrible environment that bought back childhood memories of my parents. I starting getting postnatal depression before bella was even born but being so young and without an English speaking mum around to help I felt very alone. I tried to help costas mum around the house but I couldn't even wash dishes the right way. when we finally moved out into a flat it got disgusting, I fell pregnant again and morning sickness made it even worse, I didn't have any friends to help. I needed to give birth to this baby in Australia near my family. This was nothing like I had imagined. We booked the tickets and then costa physically abused me and I lost the baby. He was stress because of my depression. but he is capabale of making his own dinner and I think the fact his mum made him dinner once is kindof irrelevant. I didn't want to cancel the plane tickets so we moved over regardless and I didn't tell anyone that I lost a baby. costa physically abused me twice in London but never in Australia. Once in Australia costa didn't want to work. I struggled looking after our daughter and working through the nights to earn money from web design, learning as I went along. Baby developed intercystitis probably from all the stress. Lots of this stuff went on for years, he wanted to be a pro weightlifter, then a game designer, then I suggested buying and renting out a granny flat to make passive income as I was tired of working and looking after a sick kid full time, he agreed after a while and he has just stopped renovating 5yrs later. We lived in plaster dust, mold, aspestos dust, paint fumes and a few times he spent all the money leaving none for food. The extent of the renovations where not necessary he gutted the whole place and replaced with new everything. I wanted to make some ground rules for the relationship to do with family meetings and compromise as well as rest/working ratios and budgets. We did once but costa forgot them and was always too busy to listen to my concerns. During all this I had two more children as costa refused to use protection and I refused the pill. I was trying to get help for my daughters medical issues and costa told me it was me that was causing it and I wasn't to seek help for it anymore, she suffered 2 kidney infections after this. After I laboured through the birth of our last child in a pit of despair I knew after being told by him for years that I was an unfit mother. I left the kids in the hands of costa and stayed with the new baby at my mums house. costa had a car crash with them all a few days later by running into the back of another car after being distracted by the kids. He called me up and told me all the kids where dead (which was not true). Abusive relationships have cycles and periods called honeymoon periods. This is when the last two children where conceived. I have written this not to say how bad costas is or was but to show that it is not always as clean cut as people make out. I encourage anyone else going through this to forgive but not forget. learn about boundaries and start using them. I accepted responsibility for my part in the trouble as I recognised its not helpful to blame everything on someone else as the only person I could change was myself. After I realised the grace I have received through all my mistakes it was easier for me to forgive costa for his. Now I treat costa with the same respect I would treat a stanger and expect the same accountability from him I would a business partner. I was told to expect the same as a 16yr old from my counceller and this really helped. By lowering my expectations and asking accountability in small things first he has grown spiritually and emotionally with his inlaws and my support but still being separated over the last year. He still has a long way to go as I look back over my journey to being happy but he had a lot further to travel than me, his childhood was very abusive and he suffered from a few unprovoked assaults as an adult. Unfortunately sometimes the victim is the one who is able to change on their own or with help and therefore it is the abuser who needs more support and counselling. I agreed to speak to costas councillor who had given up on costa ever changing, and shortly after he told costa he didn't want to see him anymore. Costa told the oldest kids he never wanted to see them again and they cried all week then he took it back the next weekend. I hope this can shed some more light on these kinds of stories. Forgiving is hard to do because of the pain that has been caused to innocent children but the pain of not forgiving will hurt them even more (he still makes mistakes but nowhere near as bad and on a whole he is a good father now). legal battles and poverty, father issues, and further abuse by other people easily arise out of the rubble from these marriages where (boundaries with) forgiveness leads to well balanced kiddos and changed parents.

You're very clever at how you stepped in and educated us about how you are the real victim. Interesting you just "stumbled" onto something that your S.O. wrote, the web is a huge place and here you are, amazingly, in just the right spot to set us all straight about who the meany is.

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I am in a similar situation. I feel like I am trapped in hell. I don't know what to do.

Short Answer GET OUT Life is too short

I am so grateful for having found this site. It has helped me realise that I am one of those bullying, mean, angry wives that you all have suffered or are suffering from. It was a real eye opener for me to read about all those other women's behaviours. Any of those stories could've been describing me, yet to tell you the truth I had no idea of how controlling, insecure and plain crazy my behaviour had been. I honestly thought I was in the right always and that my opinions had to stand even if I had to shout my husband down or hurt him physically to get my message across. My husband was always wrong, didn't know any better, lying, cheating or hiding something from me. I guess I also tried to isolate him from his friends and family as well by making him feel guilty that he wasn't spending that time at home instead. I'd trawl his Facebook page and filter his newsfeeds without him knowing. I would also bring up old errors from his past and use them against him in most arguments. He must've really rued the day he told me all about his murky past. As I've used those weapons against him in arguments for the past 9 years of our marriage. We have 4 children and my husband has often told our sons when they grow up, they "must find women they can boss around" and not the other way around. Which is part of the problem as I often tell him - he's too weak! So many times he had blamed me for his inability to do things because as he said, he just went along with what I wanted because he was afraid of upsetting me and for the sake of peace. The trouble with this is he has started getting bitter and resentful about it. He has taken to blaming me whenever things go wrong in our family because it had been my bad idea we had followed. Of course I try to point out that if he would've manned up and been the real leader in the family, he would've been able to assert himself and lead. Needless to say the fights have been daily, full of anger, insults, swears, belittling, name calling and hatred almost. Several of them have been in front of the kids unfortunately. My husband though has never once struck me. All this has left us both feeling really emotionally drained, exhausted and depressed. I've told my husband that we should call it quits but he is not willing to give up just yet and we both still love each other.
Today, after a really bad argument in which my husband said something to me which was extremely hurtful, I told him I was going to leave with the kids. We both deserved a happier life than this bitter relationship . I decided to Google verbal abuse thinking of what my husband had said to me, which led me here. However, it made me realise that I had been emotionally abusing my husband all these years and that he may have a submissive personality which somehow encourages my bullying behaviour.
Reading all the stories from the husbands' perspective has given me a whole new outlook on my situation.
My husband is at work now but I have just sent him a heartfelt apology for his years as a victim to my bullying. I do not want him to leave me and I believe, despite what many here seem to think, that I CAN CHANGE for the better!

How did you come to this point? Was there anything your husband could have said or done before to improve the situation sooner? My wife used to search internet history, and accuse me of anything remotely suspicious. She would "find" **** sites and accuse me of infidelity, or of looking for an outside relationship. I tried to tell her that I never saw that site but she continued to hound me for an explanation. We've had some pretty bitter arguments over things like that. I've tried to leave her a couple times. I've asked her to leave a couple times and she refuses. I have asked her again and again to stop falsely accusing me and I've asked her if she doesn't have faith in me, why doesn't she leave? What can I say or do to make her stop? Sometimes she's good to me, but when she's not I just want to crawl into a hole and hide.

Maybe you should TELL HER TO STOP FALSELY ACCUSING YOU. Life is too short to spend it on the defensive for something you didn't do. She's seized control totally, you need your fair share of it back OR ELSE.

I am sad and down as my wife is now in our bedroom locked herself in because I'm the worst and most disrespectful and abusive husband who has caused her only sufferings. I have come to the point where continuously giving in by admitting and apologising on my so called or as per my wife feels, a very bad behaviour of mine, I don't think of anything for myself anymore, instead what should I do to make her happy and appreciative of my efforts. Yet, as human, I sometime, (honestly really really sometime only , as I can't afford to be reactive as per my feelings because if I will, I don't think our relationship will last the next day) react with bit of words such as " who can argue with the mouth" "you are a freak" "control freak" you want me to make decisions which you want me to make, not my decisions". In response, two to three days, I constantly suffer her emotional abuse until and unless, I totally bring myself to the ground, admitting to her that I am a super evil and her being best and no where near fault and verbally asking thousands apologies of my super evil and abusive behaviour, she finally comes back to normal and put an end to my ordeal for next few days until I lose control again being submissive and "yes darling" super patient and cool husband. We are together now for 13 long years, got 2 kids with her aged 20 months and 8 months, both girls. Never, yes never, she said sorry to me and always her argument of not saying sorry is that why should she, it's not her fault why we fought. We are both migrants in Australia and both of us came from two different cultures and way of life. In last almost 10 years, we have gone and visited her family almost 5 times, yet to my family, it happened only once for two weeks and that was after too much fight. Last two years, I had to put up with her sister, mother and father in my house, why? Because, they are looking after our children. But my mother or any other family member is never an option for looking after our children. My mother came here to visit as a result of a big fight, and too much humiliation, only for three months. Now I'm being told that "three months is too long". I can't even go out on my own unless I have her permission with iPhone tracking enabled. Even buying groceries, we are almost always together.

You must be thinking why I'm writing all this as a reply to your input to this forum??

The reason is when I read you, I simply couldn't hold my emotions and my eyes became teary. Right this moment, I'm sitting down in our living room...down, confused, deranged, thinking of gathering enough strength to approach her and kneel down for an apology and repeat that countless times until she is back in her mood. I will also beg her to eat the dinner because if we don't look after ourselves, who will look after our kids. My ( parents and sister)in law are gone home as their visas were over. Now we are waiting for six months to be over so we can apply for them again and they can come back here. My family asked me few times why can't I ask someone from my family to help, so I simply tell them "it's too much hard work and as much as possible, I want them out of it". Not sure if they buy the story from me always or what?

its very obvious your wife is using silent treatment on you - which is a form of emotional abuse. The more you give in, the more you reinforce this behavior and she will continue to do so, cause you're validating it. People who use this silent treatment are immature to say the least, but in articles all over the internet, they are criticized more harshly than this. The most important thing you have to know / do - is to completely ignore her when she gives you the cold shoulder. DO NOT BEG FOR HER TO SPEAK TO YOU, it will make matters worse. I did a thorough research on this cos my gf used to do it with me, when she begged she continued to do so, it only prolonged the time she was giving me the cold shoulder. If you want her to go crazy, just ignore her, go out for a walk, do things that you enjoy, especially if she sees you doing this she will go crzay. If she feels that what she's doing is no longer having an effect on u she will retreat... one thing more, dont get angry or lose your temper because of what shes doin and dont threaten her... if u get angry or threaten her you reinforce her behavior... and do a bit of research on how to deal with silent treatment if u have the time ...

you were saying in your post that u want to sit down, gather your strength and go beg her to be normal again... believe me this is only making matters worst... its pretty much like an addict who self medicates to make the pain go away, it goes away for a while but it returns stronger than before... im sharing my experince with u cos i feel for you, espcially that im struggling with a woman (or shall i say parasite) who never acknowledges any mistake or apologizes. she also uses these emotional abuse tactics. and because i happen to be a recovering addict, i stopped drugs and my addiction to her grew and shes using it...

point is, just ignore her and try to relax and enjoy urself, she will go crazy when she finds her grip on u loosening

I hope it works, you stick to your plan, and realize that being a couple has its advantages but not at the price of your self-respect. It takes 2.

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Here's my situation. :)

Been living with my girlfriend for the last 3 years.

Bare with me as I try and convey myself with all the issues.

#1: She complains about having to help around the place. Why should I have to ask her to help? Get off your butt and do the dishes, or the laundry. When I do ask, she makes a big deal out of it. "Sigh, oh boy that's tough... grumble grumble!"

Like I'm slaving her... More like, I'm the man doing all the house work and she only does stuff once in a while. I can't remember the last time she cleaned the whole kitchen, vacuumed, or even did the laundry on her on without being asked.

It should be a knowing. If you see it, do it! What's so hard about that?

#2: I'm noticing an abusive cycle that I fear to admit seeing. She'll condescend me very subtlety. Poke at things I have done. "Why didn't you do it this way? Or that way? Why did you do it like that?" On and on. The constant questioning of my actions even though what I did had a logical reason behind it. She picks, and pokes at my actions all the time.

#3: Can't apologize. This woman never says sorry. She'll shred and tear at me with attitude sometimes and hurt me in the process. Usually ends up me leaving the room and eating alone in a different room. I simply stop talking and ignore her. She won't apologize at all. When I have spoken to her, she goes, "You were ignoring me, so I didn't say anything!"

HELLO! It's not about you right now. You hurt me, so please recognize this and say sorry. I'm self aware enough to know that I hurt someone based on how they act after. It's not hard to say sorry.

#4 Assumes I didn't something wrong.

For example, I've been riding the bike I BOUGHT HER because mine needs repairs. I rode it hard for 7 months. Not jumping, or being hard on it, but for extreme cardio. Fast, and the like. I say one day, "The bike needs to go in to the shop!"

Her first reponse, "Why, are you jumping it off curbs?" She's using this because on my previous bike I jumped off a few curbs in the beginning. Now she uses that as the default reason a bike is broken. A few days ago, I say... "It's been going hard for 7 months, it needs a tune up and the spokes are loose. She uses the curb jumping question... AGAIN! I restate why.

Today, I explain I shouldn't ride it because it needs repairs and I don't want to wreck it. Again, she goes off about curb jumping. S#(*... did you hear me the first time?

I swear, she ignores what I'm really saying. She holds on to old things I've done and compares them to the now.

I cook for her every day when she gets home. I'm a house husband. Think she does the dishes after? NOPE! If I ask her to cook.. she either screws it up, or complains while doing it. Usually, she just complains while doing it. I hate hearing it now. I don't look forward to her doing nice things for me because there is usually some complaining going on in the process.

Sex? HAHAH She never engages me. EVER. It's up to me to do it all. I used to be the one in the beginning to give her lots of oral, but I stopped when I realized she would grunt, and complain at the thought of having to please me. Talk about a mood killer. Having your partner make it sound like WORK!

You see.. I'm a 50/50 man. I live for balance. I'm really starting to think she won't balance with me.

Her friends? 40 year old drunks who love to party. MMM fun times. All they do is party, do drugs, drink, go to festivals, and act like they're 16. I never enjoy myself around them.

I'm starting to enjoy it when she's out of the house, and I start dreading when she's coming home.

She's even been physically abusive to me twice. Smacking my chest.. poking me really hard and yelling at me. I'm not perfect, but I'm starting to think she's really selfish.

A few more things I forgot to mention:

She leaves me her mess all the time. She leaves dishes out in the living room, on the floor etc. I\'ve stopped picking them up. Drove me nuts until I stopped picking them up.

She\'ll leave everything till the last minute before going to work. This involves getting dressed, making her lunch, eating breakfast. She\'ll do it all in a big rush at the last moment and complain she has no time.

Let\'s not forget she\'ll usually take her frustration of being late out on me.
She\'ll start arguments before she goes, or pick at me about something and leave me feeling like crap. She asked me if I was mad before going, I replied,

\"Actually, yes! You\'ve been at me for the last 4 days about things... complaining, freaking out, picking at me and I\'m sick of it. I don\'t do that to you!\"

She just left and went to work. No sorry.. nothing. Remember, this is a girl who never apologizes. I\'d have a better chance of using a herring to cut down a tree than getting an apology out of her.

I\'ve just started ignoring it, but it\'s impossible to ignore the giant mess she leaves me in the kitchen. Food scraps from all her prep. Like I\'m some magic elf that comes in after and whisks it away with a spell or something.

Give me a break.

I love the girl, but I know I shouldn\'t be allowing this.

Don't confuse love with habit. Why in the world would you love someone who makes you feel so miserable. Life's too short to hang around for that. Have a discussion about what you feel needs to change and listen to her side if she's reasonable. If she says too bad chump - that's your answer to head for the door. Maybe both of you just gradually got in a rut and you both want to put things right which would be nice but if you get no sense of mutuality and no sense she wants to work on something besides you with her battering ram - that old Paul Simon song FIFTY WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER - just slip out the back jack.

Do I know you? You sound just like my boyfriend of 3 years. Almost everything you said is identical to how my boyfriend sometimes describes me.

Im going through what you have its hard even though i dont want to i at the point where im going to leave

Go for it, don't feel defeated, feel optimistic, you are taking your life back. Some people never do - you can be one of the lucky/smart ones

Hope you didn't marry her. Things get way worse after that happens. Just read the other stories on here. If you want to marry this chick, get her to counseling right away.

Just ask yourself, when you signed on to move in together is this what you had in mind when you signed in? Do you feel like you were mislead and then given a sucker punch? don't be a chump, if it ain't working (and it won't if she refuses to take any responsibility) then its very simple, just as you can move in, you can MOVE OUT - do it.

4 More Responses

Brother I feel your pain. I am in your shoes as well. You can try marriage counseling. Buy if that doesnt work I would say leave. It wont get better (from my experience) the more passive you get the more aggressive and domimant she will get. And it does effect the children. Ive seen it with my own eyes.

Counselors, a lot of them, are whacko too. If you get a good one that's awesome but don't just automatically assume they know what they are talking about. More than a few of them are nuttier than their clients.

You are between a rock and a hard place.
All you can do is recognize that you have been dealt a lousy hand and make the best of it. Life is not fair, but those of us who get the most out of life, decide that being happy Is preferable to the negative conflictive world that so many people find themselves in.
Just do it. Manipulate your mind and choose to smile - maybe you need to laugh at the circumstances you find yourself in - but
NEVER EVER LET ANYONE STEAL YOUR JOY!!

b.s. THERE'S A DOOR that opens when you turn the doornob. Its your option to open and step on thru to the other side. This "make the most of it" is nuts, grow a spine.

If you are in an abusive relationship, it is worthless to hope that things will be better. No human being deserves disrespect or abuse. Abusive, toxic people have no guilt or remorse. They do not think about their behaviour and about how they treat others or their partners. They are control maniacs. Nothing you do or say will change them.

There is sufficient research which suggest that the tactics of such people being compared to brain washing techniques used in concentration camps. These people instinctively assess their targets well. They bombard their targets with decisive force to neutralize and control them.

To people affected, my advice is to start acting on different choices for yourselves. Think of ways of being financially independent. Take away the power you have given to your abusers and gradually bring balance or totally remove yourself from the situation.

No abusive relationship is worth the sacrifice you make emotionally and otherwise.

I'll be damned if I know where my wife got her bulling "gene" from but she goes in cycles just like the psychology books analyze. She can be such a sweet angel then turn indifferent then cold and finally let go with blasts of hate and bitterness from out of no where. I have no power to change her I realize that and I still do love her very much. But,life is so short that I wish she would quit waisting the little time that we have here on earth. Keep the Faith.

Doesn't really matter WHERE it came from - matters what you do about it.

I have a neighbour who is married to a woman such as this. And it really hurts me to hear her belittling him the way she does. I know it is nothing to do with me but I don't believe anyone should treat another person in this way.

Kick her to the curb. She won't change and you will end up A. abusing her, or B: cheating. Life is to short!

Im at the point where ill end up doin a and b

Just came across this post today. I had no idea I was in such a bad relatioship. Just today she accuses me of the mistakes I have made in the past (26 years). It comes up about every three to four weeks I go thru this. She remmembers only the bad things and then adds to them by accusing me of things that I have no idea where she is coming from. It is only getting worst as the years go by.
She starts by saying no one in this family cares about her and how she is a ghost. I have done everything for her when she has asked. I have told her that, but it does not matter.
Have two daughters, one is out of the house and the other is ready to leave, after today. They have said to me exactly what I have been only thinking about how she acts. So I have finally come to realize that the three of us thinking the same, can only be right about my wife.
I have thought about leaving her several times, but I still love her. Will be selling our house next year, this is the time for me to leave. I will always be praying for her, and healing for myself and daughters. Please keep this post going, very helpful for others out there.

In front of the kids when she put me down, I would say, well you know that's not how I am, sorry if you're mad at me or something, honey. In other words, be truthful so that your kids know the truth.

Maybe the truth is the kids see you as being a wimp, getting beat up emotionally, and having no spine, bad example. They'd be better off learning you have the right to be respected and that if all someone does is whack on you - you need to take control, don't be a wuss.

Im engaged and everything is becoming clear to me everyday. At first I thought it was me. My fiance and i are currently in premarital counseling and i feel everything is in vain. She plays the victim and uses projective identification to keep me confused of the truth. Invitations are about to go out...well suppose to but everyday the abuse gets worst. She has a 13 year old daughter that likes to make jokes and when she makes them about me my fiance starts making jokes also. Now to prevent hurting a teenage girls feelings i just don't respond or i tell my fiance to tell her thats enough.... Now im so sensitive.... Its not that im sensitive its just i feel im being double teamed and it gets uncomfort. She debates with me in front of the teenager and now there is a problem with the communication between us. Anytime i request something as an adult from her im challenged and have to get my fiancé to step in.<br />
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Im sorry there is more but i just can't continue.. All of my family are so excited to travel out of state to participate in a wedding that i feel in my heart is not going to happen. She never apologizes for any wrong doings and she constantly verbally and mentally attacks me. Constantly reminding me of her past relationships. I have tried but leaving is my only option.....i feel better knowing im not alone by all the confessions. And I know in my heart God did not want man to ever experience being a SLAVE of your HELPMATE.. Good men are not hard to find, they just find great places to hide from evil....... God bless

Be glad you are still in the premarital stage - if its this bad already you need to hit the road asap.

I have been living with an abusive wife for the last ten years. Unfortunately we have went into a religious orthodox marriage, and unfortunately I am a man who repects family and marriage, and afraid of disgrace, which made me accept and turn a blind eye on all her abusive behavior for years. Now, when we moved to another country a couple of years ago, where nobody knows us, hoping she will change, she got worse. Making things worse is having 3 beatiful children with her, and how could I ever let them grow up in a divorce! So simply I cannot divorce her until my children are old enough to take care of themselves 18+, meaning have to live with her for another at least 15 years!<br />
<br />
Now back to the point, so instead I started searching for solutions, and started ignoring her in a bid to not to enter fights with her, but it only made her worse. Some of the thing she does are:<br />
<br />
1. While we are sitting watching TV happily, she remembers that 9 years ago, my mother said something which she believes it hurt her. Although i try to explain to her that she did not mean that, and that my mom is like this, yet she starts a fight accusing me of not respecting her 9 years ago. One of the reasons that I changed countries is to move her away from all the people she always thinks hated her.<br />
<br />
2. I get a call from my brother asking how we are doing. She overhears me saying something to him (of course he only hears me not him). She accuses him of hating her and speaking badly about her. When I try to explain to her what we spoke and it was not even related to her and he even did not mention her, she get angry, and goes: See how your brother hates me, he does not even remember to ask about me! So if he asks about her she is angry and if not she is angry and then starts a fight.<br />
<br />
3. We go out fro lunch, and she decides she wants to have a certain type of food. We go to a restaurant that does it, and i ask her is this place fine she says yes. We enter inside and after the waiter comes and asks what we want, she orders. When the food comes, she decides she does not want to eat because the food looks disgusting and the place is more disgusting. Altough, i can swear the place is more than fine and the food is nice.<br />
<br />
4. she cooks on sunday, and says I am not hungry if you want to eat, then eat alone. I tell her no it is fine I will wait for you. She said ok in hour we eat togther. I tell her or, i will take the car wash it for 30 minutes and come back so we eat together, can you wait for 30 minutes, she says yeah it is fine. I go wash the car and come back in 30 minutes. I ask her ok, shall we prepare the table to eat, she goes: I already ate, eat by yourself.<br />
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5. She gets angry if i go out with my male friends for a drink<br />
<br />
6. The best part is the coffee... listen to this. Woke up early at 7 and she was sleeping. I made a coffee for myself to drink it and sat a bit on my laptop before getting ready to go to work. I finished the coffee, almost 90% of it and leave it on the table. Starts putting on my clothes, she wakes up and i say good morning. Then while I pass by the table, I grab the cup and finish the rest of it. She sees me drinking coffee and she goes crazy and starts verbally abusing me. You do not respect me, you are direspectful, you are not worth a dime, how on earth you do not make a cup of coffee for me. i tell her in a calm and nice way, I prepared this 1 hour ago, and you were sleeping, but I can make you one now. She realizes that she did a big mistake, thinking that I made the coffee now and did not offer her one, but listen to this, she does not apologize or try to say she was wrong instead she continues to explain herself and saying: even though you did nit before, the moment i wake you should make a coffee for me... and she goes back to the bedroom and does not speak to me for the whole day!<br />
<br />
and this list goes on.... I honestly do not know what to do

Man I feel your pain Im dealing with the exact same thing its crazy. You have to put your foot down that's what Im doing right now but it is hard when you have kids property and you really do love the woman sooooo much have faith

Im feeling same things as you are into man.. The Difference is its only 3 Months to our love Marrige

Pal you need out of this relationship its knocking you down..
Women say good men are either hard to find or taken truth is we're not they dont respect us when they have us

I too made the mistake of marrying this type. She currently took my kids to her parents (the source ....both of them are or have been abusive.... of the issue) without my permission. I do not fear for their safety but am concerned for mine (she is working some angle I am sure). Please advise.<br />
<br />
thanks

Hardest thing about abuse is conquering the fear, of the abuser, what they will do. If I were afraid for my life/safety, I think I would go to a Battered Women's shelter to ask for advice - I know you are a man, but I'm sure they have help there for men, just as much, they are knowledgeable and can help give you best advice. Or call an Abuse Hotline, they are knowledgeable too. Sounds awful, to go thru, what you are going thru. Are you in touch with your kids? Are you able to see them? I would go to a lawyer and get some advice too and tell your lawyer your concerns. You can always get a restraining order on her, if you fear for your safety, and if you truly fear for your safety, you should get one. You have to draw some lines, and line up your ducks to protect yourself, and once they are lined up, let her know you mean business and that if anything happens to you, others are very aware of how she treats you. I think I would even say that to her, in your shoes. Exposing abuse into daylight and out of silence and secrecy is the only way it ever stops. You can make a trust for your children in a will that lets them have any money from you when they are 65, so that any life insurance benefit, would not be worth her harming you for, too. Best of luck, keep strong.

The first step is reclaiming yourself, remember the strong and resourceful you before the relationship beat you down. Then decide what you want, do you wanna stay in the hole or climb out and be you again?

I have been married for 25 years to an abusive wife. We have fought and fought and nothing has changed. I had a series of epiphanies last night when I was sleeping (or trying to) in my youngest son's old bedroom (the kids are all out of the house). Actually, I had a series of epiphanies and i would like to share them with you.<br />
1. You cannot change another person's behavior. I have come to realize that I keep getting sucked into the fight because I think she will change. Now I know she won't. She doesn't want to. I feel like this has freed me tremendously. I no longer have to defend my actions. I do things that **** her off. Some of them are legitimate (i.e., I might change the channel from something she is watching). It would be legit for her to say, "hey, I was watching that!" or something like that. What isn't legit is for her to talk to me like I am a scumbag and make disparaging remarks. So, I will take responsibility for what I have done, but since I know she won't change, I will quit trying to get her to understand how much it hurts me when she cusses me. She knows it hurts, that is why she does it. I will also quit expecting the apology that never comes.<br />
2. I am fifty percent to blame for the fighting. I step into her powerhouse when I respond in kind. I own that. I was never like this before we were married, I have allowed her to shape me into someone I don't want to be. No longer. <br />
3. I modeled how to be an abused spouse to my sons. They grew up in this family and although I thought I was modeling how to be a faithful husband and good father (and I think I did), I also modeled how to be bullied by your wife.<br />
<br />
So, I realized all of that. What does it mean? Well, I told my wife this morning that I was through trying to change her. I was turning her over to God and herself. She could stay the miserable person she has been all these years or not. I don't care any longer. I am not leaving. Yet. I want to try and get healthy, here in this marriage. If I find I can't, then I will leave. But just because I can't change her, doesn't mean I can't change me. <br />
<br />
I have committed myself to not responding to anger with anger. I will walk away. If we are driving somewhere when it begins, I will turn around and come home or just pull over and leave. I can take a taxi home or something. I am going to tell her when she gets home tonight that I am not walking away to avoid the thing that makes her made or to get even with her. I am walking away to stop myself from responding inappropriately. When she is capable of talking to me civilly, I will talk to her without preconditions (i.e., she doesn't have to apologize or make it up to me). I just want to stop the madness.<br />
<br />
Finally, I intend to talk to my sons and tell them to examine their marriages (two are married) or relationships and make sure they are aware that I have taught them some things that no man should learn. They are grown up so they will have to fix themselves, as appropriate.<br />
<br />
Thank you all for your comments, they have helped me fr<x>ame my thoughts and have shown me that I am not alone. Good luck to you all.

I can completely relate with what you are saying. I have had the opposite order of approaches. Early on, I decided to humble myself (not cave in, but try to exercise humility and turn it over to God). I was hoping that one day she would finally be affected by my humility and feel bad for how she has treated me, but unfortunately she only looks at it as weakness. She says that I don't care, because I don't get passionate or emotional when we have a discussion. She says that Iam cold and don't love her.

When I have to discuss something important with her, I play a chess game in my mind of how I should approach, and how she will respond, and I lose every time, because its all about the control. If she can't control you, she doesn't want you. If she can't tear you down at her will, she doesn't know how to cope.

The really beneficial thing about turning things over to God though, is that I now feel confident that he wants me to be happy, and I now have the strength to leave her, because I have no hope that she will ever change. I never ever would have thought this would have been the direction to go, but I now know that it is the best thing for all involved.

All I can say is "WOW!"
If I didn't know any better, I would have thought you had hidden an audio recorder in my house.

I'm almost 50 years old and am in the middle of a tough carreer change.
My wife is a Registered nurse &amp; has (and still does) always mocked &amp; ridicululed me about the fact that she made more money than I did, and that "if I was a real man," I would have taken steps to correct the situation.
About two years ago at my previous place of employment, everyone was called into a company meeting and informed that our jobs were being outsourced to India (no I'm not joking), and that we were all being permanently laid off.
After almost 15 years working for the same company, at the age of 48, I was going to be unemployed and looking for work.
So picture this...
I come home at the end of that day, still feeling sick to my stomach and to be quite honest in need of at the very least a hug.
My then 8 year old son greets me at the door and in his usual cheerful manner asks "what's wrong?"
As I tell him, my wife walks into the room, looks at me and says "serves you right for not having gotten a different job before this happened," and then turns around and walks out of the room.
Fast forward two years later...
I have now been a REALTOR for 1 1/2 years. The first 2 years are the toughest because this is when you are first building your business.
My stress has been compounded by my wife's total lack of emotional &amp; financial support.
About every couple of months, during another one of her hours long attacks, I make the usual mistake of trying to stand up for myself (I did the same yesterday on Easter Sunday, and as usual, it didn't end well). To say it was traumatic for my son (now 10 years old), would be an understatement.
But in a lot of ways, I'm like a big freindly dog, I can only be pushed into a corner &amp; kicked for so long before I growl (But never, ever &amp; never will bite).
A few months ago, I noted my wife's total lack of support &amp; encouragement for my new carreer. And how even a "tiny" little bit of encouragement &amp; emotional support would be of great help to me.
Here is what she said...
"I put a roof over your head and feed you, don't expect anything more!!!" And then she walks out of the room.
"My" bills &amp; debts have also built up and I am now drinking too much (but I'm a happy drunk).
My wife drinks very much less than me. However, when she does, she is a very, very mean nasty (I guess the best word would be "brutal") drunk. And of course by the next morning she has completely forgotten everything that she said or did.
I am also on prescribed medication for anxiety &amp; depression (Or as my wife puts it, "as a result of my inability to cope) for some time now.

After yesterday's blowup, I too had an apifany...
As of today, if my wife goes on a rant (which lately has been about every second or third day), I will not engage her no matter how brutal or unending her verbal attacks on me are. (When my wife does this to our son, he also ignores her. Unfortunately for me, this results in another entirely separate attack on me for failing to be a real man and being a failure as father for not correcting his behavior and and as a result he doesn't show her the respect that she deserves. This leads to a whole different rant on my poor upbringing by my mother &amp; father (our son's grandmother &amp; grandfather whoom she no longer speaks to and cannot stand, and says so often in the presence of our son, which further leads to upset him, but once again that is my fault (See the above reason once more.).
Basicly, for her, blame "must" be placed, so everything is either my or someone else's (Read that as my mother &amp; father, or her first child from a different relationship who is now 28 &amp; with whom she no longer sees or speaks to).

I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom for some time now.
What about sex? What's that? Doesn't your wife have to let you touch here for that to happen?

Now, as of today, it is not whether to end the relationship, but when.
My problem is, I'm broke (Any household income we have being exclusively her's alone), and I have nowhere to go.

My only option is to become finantially secure (I made that one of my new goals as a REALTOR) so I can finally get out.

I could go on, into greater detail, but I don't think any of you feel like reading something the length of War &amp; Peace.

Some days I just want to look for a brick wall to bang my head against.
I feel like I'm going crazy,

Any advice, or encouragement would be greatly apreciated.

That\'s super tough. So sorry to read it. But I do encourage you to NOT GIVE UP on a happier and much better future. Maybe one thing to work on is reaching out to other people, making sure your network of good friends in the area is solid. This can probably help a lot, both for emotional support and even for chance opportunities, networking, even couch surfing if it comes to it. You could even see about finding a shared living space with a few other decent guys in similar situations, and share expenses for a while. Not ideal, of course, but maybe better than what you\'ve been putting up with. Also, try to make sure your son doesn\'t get lost in the chaos of this (I\'m sure you are trying, but it must be tough). Also, read online for ways to cut spending, and DO IT. Keep your own money to yourself, open your own bank account, and plan on breaking free of her tyranny of you in some finite time, like 18 months or less. Good luck!

So sorry to hear about your job being outsourced to India. I too was laid off because our jobs were being outsourced to India, I feel your pain of being laid off. I'm sorry to hear about what's going on with you and your wife. Like you I don't get much emotional support from my significant other. I also have depression and feel like talking is pointless. I've only been with him for 3 years, but I feel like our relationship is going nowhere. We argue much like you and your wife but see it as a normal part of a relationship, not abuse. Not really sure if we are abusing each other or if it's normal for couples to argue like this. If you want to talk feel free to message me.

1 More Response

my girl friend is always puting me down in public or makin fun of me in every way possible , she slaps me when we argue and its so hard not to hit her back which only puts more stress on me , when we argue i never ge a word in, she says (shut up so i can talk) , which only brings more tention into the situation, after she says what she has to say thats it and nothin i have to say matters to her just as long as shes made me feel like **** and tore me down , im kept there and its depressing , i need help

This is your girlfriend? Why is she still your girlfriend? You do not want to live with that. You do not have to live like that. End the relationship. You can be guaranteed to continue to be depressed and miserable as long as she is in your life.

I put in a comment below, but I wanted to respond to you personally. If you are not committed (i.e., married) you should run away now. It will only get worse. And by worse, I mean, a lot worse. Since you are a guy, you get to lose twice. #1, she is meaner than you and #2 the courts will almost certainly side with her because she is a woman. (May sound sexist, but it is a cold stone fact.) So leave. Now. Don't discuss it with her. Don't go into counseling with her, just go. Move in with a buddy while you still have them. If you stay, in a few years she'll have you completely isolated from any support system.

If you have a controlling and abusive partner, do not expect that this person will change. The source of such abusive behaviour is deep rooted and psychological. You cannot change that. If you continue to stay you are giving your abuser the oxygen they need to continue the abusive. You will feel emotionally dehydrated, suffocated and helpless. This is truly toxic from an emotional and health perspective.The only way to break the cycle is to terminate the relationship and deprive your abuser the oxygen they need to continue the abuse. If possible, try to find some place where you can stay that is physically apart from your abuser. If you are financially independent, there is nothing to worry. We often tend to think about children. Children will be fine once they know the reality. It may well be that the abusive partner may hold them against you, but once the children find out the truth, they will understand. Even if they do not understand, we should not allow another person to damage our own health. That is simply not acceptable.

Wow, I guess I'm not in the boat by myself. I am not perfect, I've made my mistakes. I've left my girl friend quite a few times because he was physically and emotionally abusive to me. I even ended up in jail her and her brother went out and when they got back I was sleeping. She came woke me up and started yelling at me. I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she said yes get out. She wouldn't let me take any of my stuff so I told her that I was going to call the police to get my stuff. Big Mistake. Before the police got there her brother grabbed her by the throat put marks on her neck and told her not to say anything he would do all of the talking. Long story short I was taken to jail. Cost me $5500 for an attorney. I was charged with a felony. Fortunately it never got to the Grand jury. But I still have an arrest record for 3 yrs. Fool that I am I still married her a year and a half later. Things just got worse and I'm terrified of the police. I filed for divorce 3 weeks ago, but right now I'm fighting not to go back. She is raising her grandson and I've been there since he was born and we are very close. I really feel lose. I'm praying every day for guidance and strength to continue, but my heart and head are really messed up.

Wow, soundsl like you married my wife's twin sister. I could ditto everything you said. But- a different angle: counselors and friends are naive about this. We have had 2 counselors and both so wimpy and naive in their approach. They assured me that the only problem was me: that I was just not giving her enough attention understanding. Good grief. I have practically killed myself trying be nice and understanding and listening and respecting. It has no effect whatsoever-and these idiot counselors just don't get that.<br />
SO- we went in to hopefully get some help. (I was hoping they would gently began to help her see her self and her behavior and how destructive it was. ) NOPE. Not a chance, it was poor, poor woman, life has been so bad for you. Etc. Etc. All she got was sympathy and understanding. Every lie she told was embraced as the truth. And I was told that somehow it was all my fault because I just did not give her more understanding.<br />
OK, I finally found a counselor that called that what is was: enabling crap. FINALLY, someone who gets it. He said that she needs to be confronted about her being a domineering angry bully, not coddled and shown "understanding." <br />
Counselors go brain dead when it comes to this type of angry woman. They naively thing if she is just shown enough understanding, that is all she needs. <br />
It didn't work. She would come out of the sessions and verbally assult me and tell me that "her counselors agreed with her- that it's really all my fault.<br />
That is the horrible sissified state of this "feelings oriented" counseling approach these days.

The secret to a long happy and safe marriage is there must be at least five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Most abusive spouses can not see the difference. It is nearly impossible for the abusers to see that the things they say are hurtful or even wrong sometimes. <br />
There are a lot of people suffering from verbal and emotional abusers. Women abusers get away with it often for many reasons. Men are stereo typed in to being the abuser and not the victim. The women abuser knows this and can easily turn it around on her husband, son, or brother. There are, as far as I can tell, no repercussions or punishments for the abusive woman. When the abused man gets out he is most often blamed for the problems in the relationship. <br />
I'm am still recovering from my divorce of over five years ago. My ex-wife is in her third relationship sense our separation. I have a wonderful ten year old daughter whom my ex-wife has custody of. I can only pray that the cycle of abuse does not continue with her.

Wow, I've often wondered why this subject hasn't been discussed more. I am in a emotionally draining relationship and now find myself afraid to express an opinion to my wife. We married in 2007 and immediately she sent her son to live with his biological father. Evidently, the son was acting out and not obeying his mother. She even related how he had acted as if he wanted to harm her physically. He was 14 when he left. He lived with his dad for a few years, coming home every so often on visits. My wife and I had 2 great years of marriage. We did many things together and thoroughly enjoyed each others company. All hell broke loose when he came home for the holidays in 2009. <br />
<br />
His father called and informed my wife that he could no longer "afford" the son and that he would have to stay with us. No problem, right? I had no idea what was to happen next. After getting him situated in school and set up in his room, this young man decided that he wanted to pillage around our room and take items of mine. From clothing items to private items. I had a conversation with my wife and she stated that he was welcome in her room whenever he wanted when she was single. I reminded her she and I were married and felt uncomfortable with him coming and going as he wished in our room. She finally slowed him from doing that. But another dynamic started. She allows him to hang all over her. He kisses on her as if he was her husband. We used to go out on occasion and now we only go when he can go. In fact, we only go out with him.<br />
<br />
He has admitted to me that he wanted to break us up. He was happy that his father and his wife broke up. He gets upset with his mother whenever she and I would plan to do anything and we would wind up not going. To the point that I have stopped asking her out. I left for 3 weeks and came back because she went to a co-worker's hysterical and I came home to keep peace. She was happy and said we were going to go to counseling (I had been suggesting it). We went, the counselor told her we needed to go out and suggested a date (with specific details). He also warned her that the date was for us. Of course, she took her son and told me that we could always go. She also said that we didn't have to do what the counselor suggested. Wow.<br />
<br />
And so it has gone on. The son has decided he wants to attend college in a city `1800 miles away. His mother is the one who dragged him across the finish line for High School, enrolled him in the local community college (and I have yet to see his grades from there). She is now flying him to his new school, setting him up in an apartment, and about to sign a ridiculous lease. All this knowing that this young man is incapable of doing anything for himself. She announced in late November in one of our "We're not happy discussions," that she was a single mother (although married too me), wth? I know that her thought is to take him to school, return, and then rekindle our marriage. My answer is a resounding NO. This will continue and worsen over time ba<x>sed on her treatment of me the last two years.<br />
<br />
I've said all this to say, you CAN'T affect change in someone. You would think that adults can have a discussion and resolve their issues, but really its a willingness on both to foster that change. I am over it and have now fallen into the "I no longer care" mindset. I wound up losing my self-identity and my independence by becoming co-dependent too my wife and its created a living hell. My only way out is to leave and refuse anymore dealings with her.<br />
<br />
What a way to spend the holidays.

Wow you are not alone at all,I feel your pain

Wow, I've often wondered why this subject hasn't been discussed more. I am in a emotionally draining relationship and now find myself afraid to express an opinion to my wife. We married in 2007 and immediately she sent her son to live with his biological father. Evidently, the son was acting out and not obeying his mother. She even related how he had acted as if he wanted to harm her physically. He was 14 when he left. He lived with his dad for a few years, coming home every so often on visits. My wife and I had 2 great years of marriage. We did many things together and thoroughly enjoyed each others company. All hell broke loose when he came home for the holidays in 2009. <br />
<br />
His father called and informed my wife that he could no longer "afford" the son and that he would have to stay with us. No problem, right? I had no idea what was to happen next. After getting him situated in school and set up in his room, this young man decided that he wanted to pillage around our room and take items of mine. From clothing items to private items. I had a conversation with my wife and she stated that he was welcome in her room whenever he wanted when she was single. I reminded her she and I were married and felt uncomfortable with him coming and going as he wished in our room. She finally slowed him from doing that. But another dynamic started. She allows him to hang all over her. He kisses on her as if he was her husband. We used to go out on occasion and now we only go when he can go. In fact, we only go out with him.<br />
<br />
He has admitted to me that he wanted to break us up. He was happy that his father and his wife broke up. He gets upset with his mother whenever she and I would plan to do anything and we would wind up not going. To the point that I have stopped asking her out. I left for 3 weeks and came back because she went to a co-worker's hysterical and I came home to keep peace. She was happy and said we were going to go to counseling (I had been suggesting it). We went, the counselor told her we needed to go out and suggested a date (with specific details). He also warned her that the date was for us. Of course, she took her son and told me that we could always go. She also said that we didn't have to do what the counselor suggested. Wow.<br />
<br />
And so it has gone on. The son has decided he wants to attend college in a city `1800 miles away. His mother is the one who dragged him across the finish line for High School, enrolled him in the local community college (and I have yet to see his grades from there). She is now flying him to his new school, setting him up in an apartment, and about to sign a ridiculous lease. All this knowing that this young man is incapable of doing anything for himself. She announced in late November in one of our "We're not happy discussions," that she was a single mother (although married too me), wth? I know that her thought is to take him to school, return, and then rekindle our marriage. My answer is a resounding NO. This will continue and worsen over time ba<x>sed on her treatment of me the last two years.<br />
<br />
I've said all this to say, you CAN'T affect change in someone. You would think that adults can have a discussion and resolve their issues, but really its a willingness on both to foster that change. I am over it and have now fallen into the "I no longer care" mindset. I wound up losing my self-identity and my independence by becoming co-dependent too my wife and its created a living hell. My only way out is to leave and refuse anymore dealings with her.<br />
<br />
What a way to spend the holidays.

Hi I was on google and found this website. I am in the most odd position. I work with a man who is married to an abusive controlling woman. I've known him for over 5 years and over that time there's been signs and when I put them all together its abuse ( my opinion) so I'm curious to know what you all think. Here's what I know. <br />
<br />
She checks his cell phone history by going online EACH DAY<br />
<br />
She checks his debit card history online EACH DAY<br />
<br />
She has 100% control of the finances so he never has cash..not even lunch money.<br />
<br />
She calls him about 10-12 times a day.<br />
<br />
She's jealous of his professional success (their careers are similar) and has made fun of his recent promotions with condesending remarks<br />
<br />
When he started taking some college courses after work, she said he was only doing it to meet "co-eds." <br />
<br />
Called him a "suit" when a promotion that took him off the shop floor and into his own office. FYI now he will be working around women. <br />
<br />
She kept begging him until he got a tattoo with her name<br />
<br />
He watches his waith and she says it's only so he can meet women (she's a large woman herself) <br />
<br />
I've seen this over the years. He was worked his way from the shop floor to manager and even though he's making more money but all she does is complain about "who he thinks he is" and he's just a "suit" now. Crazy talk <br />
<br />
<br />
Also at one point I said he should a more personal email account for some consutling work but he said that wouldn't be possible because of how his wife would react <br />
<br />
Also, he's completely issolated, no friends, no social life whatsover. <br />
<br />
In my opinion she has serious controll issues.

Yes , Alexdtville, we can identify with you. We have experienced the same in one form or another, weird as it seems. You are not alone. Yes, the woman you describe is sick. Your situation is just headed to get worse and worse; the sooner you get out the better. I hope there are no kids involved. I sacrificed 5 years of my life for my kids (stayed in the marriage) and would do it again. But I don’t think my wife was quite as mean as the woman you describe.<br />
<br />
I recommend counseling before, during, and after you leave. And leave you must, otherwise you will become more and more messed up. She is sick and needs counseling too, but don’t hold your breath on that. While I was still with my now ex-wife, I could kinda see what was going on, but was unable to make any real changes in myself. I continued counseling after the separation and that is when real growth came. When I was no longer in the situation, I was so much better off. The more time passes, I see how she was messed up and the result was I was becoming more and more messed up. It is so hard to even know what is acceptable and reasonable in life when you are slammed for everything you do. <br />
<br />
I wish you the best.

Identifying with the guys in this thread, the psychology from my end is so weird and some of you might identify. She's never apologetic; this is logically supposed to make me madder and feel more like I should leave, but the truth is when someone isn't apologetic and defends their worst actions it just makes the other less sure of their perception. As an abuser she characteristically not only takes no responsibility for her crazy actions (berating, cursing me out, hitting, throwing things, throwing cleaning products on me; every other week my hands are all scratched up), but actually blames me! I expressed my frustrations and pain the other week, told her how inappropriate her actions are etc, and how did she react? Berated me, called me "useless," told me I can't sleep in the bed. THEN, she told me I can sleep in the bed, but first I have to sleep on the couch for 20 minutes because I wasted 20 minutes of her time complaining about her abusiveness, then actually wouldn't let me off the couch for 20 minutes. Time Out for misbehaved boyfriends, you might call it. Isn't that thoroughly sick? I still haven't left. I feel like I will need counselling once this is over.

jaketheunissen, I hope you read these responses. I agree with vocalincog. You need to get help. Not just for yourself, but for your son. You do not want him to grow up with this woman as his mother. And you do not want to spend the rest of your life with her. <br />
<br />
If you leave the marriage it does not mean you leave your son with her. If she has convinced you of this, remember that you cannot trust anything she says. Before you take any specific action speak to a good family lawyer – check out several. What she is doing IS abusing your son. Document as much as you can – describe like you did in your post. If possible, use your cell phone camera and video capture, even if low quality. Unfortunately emotional abuse is talked about but not taken as seriously as physical and sexual abuse. If you can document her physically abusing your son (or you) that will help.<br />
<br />
You have to get your son away from this woman and you have to get away yourself. Find a counselor or clergyman or at least a mature older man you can share with and get advice from.<br />
<br />
Good Luck,<br />
MikeBob

jaketheunissen, I don't know if you are still following this thread (since you posted over a month ago on may 19), but I hope you do whatever you can to get your son away from your wife. Even if you yourself cannot get custody maybe you can speak with child abuse agencies, convince the authorities that your wife is very likely to abuse you kid. It would be better for him to end up in foster care than to be with her. I had a very abusive mother (tho we have a good relationship now), mostly due to her circumstances, but either way it really messed up my childhood and took away my confidence in myself. I have social anxiety and will do so for the rest of my life. There is nothing worse than your own mother telling you every day that you are a piece of **** and a good for nothing burden on her, and you grow up viewing yourself as a loser and looking to others for approval. I dont want your son to experience this.

LostAllHope<br />
<br />
Thank you all for sharing your stories. As I read through all these posts I found accurate desc<x>riptions of my verbally abusive and demeaning wife everywhere. I've only been married 6 years, but it feels like 40. I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive in this marriage for another 40+ years. I'm only 34 and have a 1-year old son. I am constantly criticized, accused of having affairs, and called all kinds of nasty names. I have almost no friends because I'm too scared to introduce my old friends to her. She might just decide to, like on other occasions, embarrass me by telling my friends what a terrible husband I am or insinuate that I'm cheating on her. She scares the sh$t out of me. <br />
Lately she has started shouting at me and calling me names in front of my 1-year old son (while he is screaming hysterically in my arms). She has repeatedly threatened to leave me and take my son with her and that she won't let me see him EVER. She is the meanest person I have ever known. I don't know if I should leave her and start over, or keep hoping and praying that she might change. Her verbal abusive will continue to destroy my spirit every day for the rest of our lives together if I don't get out now, but what about my son? I can't leave him with this woman, alone. I'll never forgive myself if she verbally and emotionally abuses him. I am paralyzed by fear.

Mikebob<br />
<br />
Just found this site today. I am in a very tumultuous marriage right now. My wife was both physically and emotionally abused by her Narcissistic Mother. My MIL is a beast!!! She hasn't talked to me in 3 years, since our wedding, because I told her that I was not getting involved in her divorce from my FIL, who is a wonderful man. My wife will be telling someone about how her mom use to treat her or my FIL and then a few days later will do something similar to me that her mom did to her or my FIL. We have been the outcast from her mom's side of the family for a couple of years now because of both our relationship with my FIL and the fact that my MIL is still mad at me and my wife and her have a very on again off again toxic relationship. <br />
Things have been going great the past few months, but recently her mom and her have re-established their relationship. We have 2 children now under 2 years of age and the MIL wants to be in their lives. The problem is when she either visits her or is close to going to see her, my wife has an "episode". This last one had to do with the weather of all things!!! I can handle the insults, I can handle the barbs and under her breath accusations, I can even handle when she calls me a liar over something as minuet as telling her I put a dish in the cabinet and it not being where I said it was. What I can't handle is the yelling in front of the children. <br />
Please keep this blog up and let us know how things are going on. This blog has both given me hope and understanding. Bless you brother.

Having gotten out of an emotionally abusive marriage of 23+ years, I can totally relate to the above posts. I highly encourage you to read up on Narcissism and Borderline Personality as a few members already suggested. Even if you're not ready to separate from your abusive spouse, you might at least be able to educate yourself and get some of the "why's" answered. I did counseling on my own and originally also with my spouse, which turned out to be a disaster because the counselor didn't recognize the abusiveness in my spouse and over time, I became the victim in the counseling sessions as my spouse was able to turn everything around on me and actually convinced the counselor that I was exaggerating, over sensitive, and took everything the wrong way. In fact, he accomplished to make himself look like the victim in the relationship. I learned another side of my spouse that I had not known ... a skilled lier and manipulator ... no way I was going to make him look "bad." It was a such a let down and boy, did I take consequences for the things that I brought to the counselor's attention. So, my advice is, IF you seek counseling together, it is imperative that you find a counselor who RECOGNIZES Narcissism and Borderline Personality, and find somebody who will not try to convince you to come in and do marriage counseling together. Most likely, your abusive spouse needs individual counseling prior to even attempting marriage counseling together. But that will only work IF your spouse is willing to recognize he/she has issues and is willing to work with a counselor. But, if you are in the position of being able to get counseling on your own, find yourself a good counselor with good credentials (consultations are free, so ask away!), and it will help you tremendously ... just to be able to talk and some of the "why's" may get answered, and mainly, you will be able to deal with your situation better, especially if you have children to worry about. It will enable you to make better decisions for yourself and the children, even if it means to separate yourself from your spouse. For me in the end, I can say I am still healing and it takes a long time, but my children are happier and I am getting more respect from them than before. I tell myself every day that I am now in the position to make my own decisions without getting belittled or shot down and made feel guilty. I don't feel like I live in a prison anymore and have to come home with a knot in my stomach worrying about getting through the evening or the weekend. And you all who are still with your spouses, you hang in there and take a good look at yourselves when you feel down ... you are amazingly strong people because you have managed to stay in your relationship and deal with it every day. The good part is that you have recognized that your spouse is abusive and that it's THEIR issue and not yours. Again, I encourage you to read and educate yourself. I do believe there is more information on husbands abusing their wives, but read it anyways as the abuse is still the same. My first book that was an eye opener for me was by Patricia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." It gave me a lot of insight and suggested other reading material. For me, a book well worth it's money. And, whatever you do read, I highly advise you to keep it out of your spouse's sight and not mention it.

thanks mikebob<br />
i know its a mental problem,i took my vows seriously but am wondering if i should go.its so hard to decide.i have decided i need counseling.i am very close to the LORD.i pray often for her.she hates my religion.i beleive he gives me strength also.<br />
her family doesnt even talk to her anymore and they are tired of me e mailing and calling.<br />
i have no one either.<br />
this site has helped calm me down.i know im not worthless.<br />
bless you

Gentle Mike, <br />
<br />
I am so sorry you have to live like that. That is not how God intended marriage to be.<br />
<br />
I am proud of you for what you do – cooking, shopping, cleaning, paying the bills, etc. you are a good man, even if your wife does not acknowledge it. I am proud of you for staying clean for 10 years – please do not go back to that or any other vice.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, once you are in such a situation, there are no good answers, and no good solutions.<br />
<br />
I want to encourage you to be strong in yourself, and in your faith. I found God when I earnestly sought Him and he has given me a peace of mind through the darkest times.<br />
<br />
I also want to say, you are not useless, and while you may feel like a wussy, just because your wife tells you that does not make you one. Do not be afraid to be alone. I am not encouraging you to leave your wife, that is an excruciatingly difficult very personal decision. But I am saying, don’t just stay because you are afraid of being alone. <br />
<br />
For myself, I never felt it was right for me to file divorce. But when she did, my life actually got better. I am now free to pursue friendships that I could not while I was married. I enjoy being with friends and can choose whom I want to be with and when. There are a lot of good people around and if you don’t have friends, you can make some. If you want to have a good marriage, there are plenty of quality women out there at any age. I have come to the conclusion that yes, many men are jerks, and if I work to be mature and emotionally healthy, I will stand out among the crowd and will have women to chose from. (I’m not there yet but am working on it lol).<br />
<br />
So I encourage you brother, don’t give up on life. If you chose to stay with your wife, I would still encourage you to find one or several good men to develop a friendship with.<br />
<br />
MikeBob

i am married to a violent abusive woman,i am no angel and was alcoholic for many yrs but never hurt her physically or mentally.i would defend myself and argue back with her.i am clean for 10 yrs and life is worse.nothing i do is right,i cant shop for food properly,i cant do dishes properly,when i cook a great meal and ask her if its good she always says it could be better,i shop i cook i clean i pay bills and let her keep her money.when we talk it can go from nce to ugly in a second.then she never lets it go,she will rant and rave and threat and destroy for hrs.<br />
i am a wreck.i dont understand how a wife can degrade a husband and have no remorse-ever.<br />
she has never said im sorry once in almost 30 yrs.<br />
she has physically hit me with bats<br />
i am really at my end..there is no rationalizing with her,im a ***,fat,ugly,loser,useless etc etc.<br />
she is an angel to all but me and no one beleives me.<br />
its sick but im afraid to leave.to be alone.<br />
i feel useless and like a wussy

MikeBob,<br />
I'm amazed how long this post has had legs, but then again, I know a bit about what each of you are feeling. My wife, though she will never admit it came from an emotionally abusive childhood, the interesting thing is how everyone else can see it but her. I really think that she became so used to burying the hurt and criticism from her father that she even learned to bury discussing it. The problem with this type of disorder, is that these type of individuals have extremely poor communication skills. However, they do know how to be rude, ignorant and just plain nasty to others,like their parents were to them, yet if you are even slightly critical towards them look out. They think nothing of hurting your feelings and rarely apologize for anything. I could go on forever, but the most interesting thing about my life is that, even though she is the one who needed counseling I'm the one who ended up in counseling and I'm the one who is on antidepressants and she even hated me for that. Now, I always was religious but in the end I learned that God is in control and I am not. So, just like you I worried about the kids but then I realized if they could handle her they could handle anyone. They are now both grown and and really are able to deal with various personalities including the rudest, nastiest, abnormal types. For me, it's hard to believe we made it 25 years and the wife has gotten better with her emotions, however, one of my biggest problems is determining which person is the real person. The one that's nicer or the one that isn't and shows its ugly head but not as often as it used to. You know, I remember thinking when we were dating that, I could change her life, make it better, give her the love she deserved. It almost seemed like its what I was meant to do at the time, take her away from the BS her father, the control freak, preached. But, you know what, her parents died in the mid 90's yet she still holds onto that baggage, and probably will forever. You know whats interesting, my wife almost never talks about her childhood, or anything that happened in her childhood. Why I knew her for 20 years before she said she had a dog when she was young, just amazing. There are some things about my wife that are wonderful and there are other things that have been extremely difficult to live with, for now things are better without the kids at home, as she really has a tough time handling things that she can't control. These, types of individuals can wear a person out, you give them all you got and it is never enough and never will be. It's a shame that there are parents like this, hey I'm sure your kids will decide on their own when the time comes that you are a good Dad, I'll say a prayer for you. I hope my story gives you some comfort, that your not alone. God Bless.

I married an emotionally abusive women, and I think a lot of her abuse stems from her childhood. She also has ACOA, which is an adult child of an alcoholic. Her father was very emotionally abusive with her, and her mother was a severe alcoholic.She didnt have a childhood because she was busy taking care of her family when her mom was drunk on the couch.I met her when she had left that dark place, but she went back to it because she loves her abuser (her dad). I finally had the courage to leave her because I was just so emotionally drained and depressed. Once I got out of the box, I saw what a healthy relationship was vs a bad one, and never looked back. Hopefully, she will get the counceling she needs, but I doubt it..because in our relationship, I was always the sorry one and the person in the wrong...Good luck to her next husband.

Mikebob,<br />
<br />
I feel you brother. My...wife...goes out of her way to criticize, demean, and otherwose be a royal B*&%! to just about anyone. She is like her miserable f'ing father. <br />
<br />
She, and those of her ilk, will not change. She doesn't see that she has a problem, therefore why should she change. By externalizing all her anger and hate for herself onto others she never has to take a lick of responsiblity nor does is any of the sefl-inflicted misery her fault. She is the victim.<br />
<br />
I am in process of divorce. I have a wonderful 3 yr old son whom I am trying to get primary physical custody of (even if she is a miserable ***** my son should still have his mother in his life in some way) him. <br />
<br />
She makes me physically ill and exhausted to be around. We have been "married" (what a cruel joke to call it that in retrospect) for 12 years. I get exhausted just being around her. <br />
<br />
I refuse to be a victim to this crap any longer. I will fight for my son, and I will get her out of the center of my life where she generates drama and angst. She acts like the stupid folks who go on Judge judy (which she watches) or other similar shows. Drama is an end. Drama and angst is like a drug, and she is addicted.<br />
<br />
I will escape this and bring my son along with me. I deserve better. I will.

Keep fighting for a relationship with your daughters mikebob. As they mature and develop their own lives, they will start to see both sides of this and form their own opinions. It is sad that, more times that not, one partner uses children as pawns to hurt the other. Children and money are the main tools to use in proving that a person is right no matter what the facts are as in your case. I have two male friends going through the same thing relating to their children being used as a tool of revenge. One dear friend is now in contact with one of his children again at the adult child's choice. Bonds are being re-established because this man did not give up and you will find the same true for yourself. Blessings,D.<br />
<br />
AF, in realizing that change has to come from within yourself is a huge step and congratulations on taking this step. You are taking a journey of discovery about why and who you are as a human being. I hope that you will keep us updated on how you progress. Peace, D.

UPDATE: My wife filed divorce. i have mixed feelings about that because i hate to see the family broken up, that is the kids not having a dad around. But i personally have so much more peace living alone.<br />
<br />
i am of the opinion that these people RARELY change, but change is possible. First they have to recognize the problem, admit they need to change, and want to change. I believe AvereFede will change if she keep her committment.<br />
<br />
however, true to form, my wife couldn't just divorce me. She had to turn the girls against me. They say they don't feel safe around me, that they don't trust me. the 16 year old does not want visitation. the 14yo wants it supervised. the 12yo is OK with supervised visitation. All this has no basis other than what my wife has programmed them with fear tactics and alienation strategies.<br />
<br />
we are now fighting a nasty court battle; i always thought it would be nasty over money, but she has made it about the kids - she wants me to have no visitation and no involvement in their lives. I will fight to my last breath to have a rlp with them.

I'm not sure whether we're allowed to post links, so I'll just suggest that anyone who questions whether their partner is "crazy" google "13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist".<br />
<br />
Based on my experience with my own wife, I don't think there is any realistic possibility that borderline, narcissist and other similar "cluster b" personality types will ever sincerely "recognize what they are like and change".<br />
<br />
So your options are to continue living in a relationship that will never improve or leaving it.

AvereFede:<br />
<br />
Wow. There are tears in my eyes. I am so happy, so excited for you! Of course you can change! You want to change! I am so proud of you for accepting responsibility and taking the first steps. Yes, you know it may be a long and difficult journey. But you see that you must change not only to save your marriage, but to have a fulfilling satisfying life at all.<br />
<br />
You are doing all the right things. Praying. Counseling. Reading. Stay the course and don’t give up. <br />
<br />
The key is that you want to change. My (soon to be ex) wife does not want to change because she believes that everything she does is right. I do believe that she could change, but I have given up that she will. In the next few weeks, for the first time in her adult life, she will be forced to submit to an authority – the divorce court. (and she filed, not me.)<br />
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Anyway, I wish you the best. I believe in you, I believe you can change, as long as you really want to change and are willing to face some very painful things in your life. I am a strong believer in counseling – but it has to be the right counselor.<br />
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MikeBob

Yesterday was the first time in over 10 years that I accepted responsibility for the abuse and pain that I inflict on my husband. I have been verbally abusive in the most horrible ways imaginable. It's difficult to read the posts from men who are convinced their partner either will not, or cannot change. Ever. I believe I can change. It's a slow process of accepting the monster that I have become, that's the first part. I am just so very tired of being angry all the time. I don't really have to think very hard to figure out what life experiences made me this way: My mother was abusive, both verbally and physically. I remember the day my younger brother, he was 16 or 17 by this time, broke down crying after our Mother had started to beat him. He wanted to leave home to come and live with me. Through his sobs he asked me if I thought it was normal to be beaten, punched and slapped, with broom handles, electric cords, belts, thrown to the ground, to be left bruised and broken. My brother told me that our Mother was committing child abuse. That was the very first time in my entire life I had ever even given a thought to the idea that my Mother was abusing me when I was being beaten. Well, that was about 25 years ago. So, to focus on my issue today, I would have to say the abuse I suffered as a child more than likely plays some kind of part in my own abusive behavior. I don't know what happened that has made me truly want to change, for some reason I feel I have the strength to change. I guess I know I don't really have a choice. I have pushed my husband to the brink, and I know this marriage must end if this behavior continues. I will begin counseling next week, then we are going to start going together. I am reading as much as possible about this whole issue of verbal abuse. I have to ability to focus with a high level of self-discipline in my professional life, so I believe I have a good chance of making the changes that I need to make..I pray I can.

Mikebob.<br />
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My name is Joe. I have read all the comments and writtings and she sounds word for word like my Wife. I can tell you that I was about to give up hope. Until one I finally gave to the Lord. I have been praying for my wife and family for going on 3 yrs now. I vcan say that I have seen some change in my wife. She goes to counsel meeting with a elder of my church riverbend baptist. I have seen a change very slow change but God has been showing me how to love her. I suggest a movie and a book to you. Maybe it will help. I'm praying. The name of the book is The love dare. The movie it is based off of is the movie Fireproof. It touch my heart. Maybe it will urs. I know u love ur wife and I love mine. I can't say that there want be still tuff times but God is good and he will protect us.

There are no good answers. To everyone in this situation, I say do something about it. Don’t just let it get worse thinking it will get better. It won’t. If the abuser refuses counseling, the sooner you leave the better. I can’t believe I am saying this. I waited too long. I should have forced the issue of family counseling years ago.<br />
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I am speaking from 20-20 hindsight. I am now separated. My wife moved out with the kids and told everybody she had to, to protect the kids. WTF? She emotionally abused me and the kids. She has turned the kids against me for the past 5 years. As the girls reach puberty, they want nothing to do with me (they take their cues from their mother). Now the two oldest girls are saying they do not want to be with me and the oldest is saying she does not feel safe with me around. So my wife is limiting my time with them to several hours every 2 – 3 weeks. No time with the oldest that says she doesn’t feel safe around me. The only way I can get time is to file for divorce. I will probably do that soon if she doesn’t. Right now I am still hoping and praying that the oldest daughter and my wife can get some help and recognize what is going on. My wife promises counseling, but doesn’t follow through. I want us to be a family but I am ready to split with my wife but I want at least standard visitation with my kids. My understanding is that if the girls do not want to be with me, the court will not force them – even without formal charges. I have an appointment with the top family law attorney in the area on Wednesday.

Dorian 44. I know the unbeleivable frustration. Im feel trapped and like a hostage. I receive regular beatings, humiliation etc and then im told that i am the one who is doing all the above, And for that reason, i get abused all over again. Ive got two little chiildren and they are subjected to her regular fits of hysteria and it breaks my heart to see them get hurt. she doesn't seem to comprehend the criminality in all ths. And to top it all she accuses me to her own little group of friends that im this crazed maniac who's abusing her!! And so they encourage her to set "me straight". This is a nightmare. If i leave her she will dec;lare war on me by depriving me of the children and increasing her violence against me. If i stay , I get abused anyway on a daily level. Its impossible to reason with her, she just throws fits of hysteria everytime i try to raise the issue. A nightmare and hell

AshleyMull..I feel so bad for you there are no words to describe it. It sounds just like how my wife is going to be if our relationship keeps heading in this direction. <br />
The whole 911 DV thing scares me to death. I let her hit me all the time, even with ob<x>jects, and Im deadthly scared to call the police because I am so much bigger than her, that I just know she'll turn the stroy around and lie to them, and Ill be arrested for sure. I cant deal with that. I dont know how to go on living like this.<br />
Its like playing a constant game of Russian Roulette.<br />
I have an 8 year old, and even he see's how crazy she is. She used to play him against me saying how I was the bad guy, but now he's told her numerous times basically" Mommy, I saw what you did and it wasnt Daddy's fault. Why do you keep hurting him like that? He didnt do anything wrong."<br />
This is so crazy that even writing it seems surreal. This cant be happening. This is supposed to be the woman I love, not my worst enemy. This is crazy. Its like she's form an alliance with a crackhead on the street over me, and Im not exaggerating.<br />
Im so scared Im going to lose everything. I want out. I just want it to go away, but I cant get away from her. She won tlet me. She needs me to pick on to make herself feel better. Its sick and twisted. I never thought at 32 I'd be walking on eggshells in my own house, scared to death of a 5 foot tall 45 year old drug addict. <br />
I'm a healthy individual. I workout religiously, eat well, take good care of my son and his friends when they come over. I mean I do everything I should be doing. Why am I being punished for this?? Why?<br />
It's comsuming me, and I feel like Im slowly becoming a shell of the man I used to be. I need help so bad. I need help. I dont know what to do. It feels like Im drowning and I have no one to reach out to. This is hell.

To those who asked how things have evolved so far...<br />
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There has been some very minor improvement. I hate to try to take the credit, but it is simple really: I try to treat her the best I can, to love her unconditionally. I try not to say things that will upset her; even when this means things are not discussed that should be. I try not to dwell on the pain she causes me; dwelling on the pain results in simmering resentment within me, and then I am more likely to say soemthing unkind. <br />
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I continue to be very discouraged by this situation, espcially when I read posts from others. The only way out is divorce. This type of person does not change.

You may want to read up on BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) could save you a fortune, just might save you your freedom or life. No matter what never call 911 in a domestic dispute to get her calmed down. The police will come, you will get arrested, and here in Texas DV cases allow hearsay evidence, opinion matter more than the facts. Once your arrested the State is the "victim" ( called "No Drop Policy") It's basically a mechanism funded by the VAWA (Violence Aganst Women Act) that will destroy the entire family just to get the conviction. Also be informed that once arrested, you have no rights, no support and no one to turn too.<br />
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By the way...I was punched ( not slapped, but closed fisted punched) in the face three time in front of a bar full of witnesses. Two witnesses and her all stated to the police that I never laid a hand on her. Thank God I got a good attorney. The D.A. declined the charges but I will still have the record for two years.

I have very similar problems to you Mike, but probably worse. When I first got with my wife she had broke up from a very abusive relationship and had suffered bad domestic violence. We set off fine together but she was very controlling not wanting me to be apart from her, accusing me of all sorts to keep me by her side. I went along with this as it was fresh love and I wanted to be will her anyway. After months this got so I could not take the control and I felt as if I was being called a liar and a cheat for no reason and caused me to fight back, this resulted in abuse from both of us and I recognise I shouldn't have reacted like this but I did.<br />
Now 18 years on she doesn't back me up with the kids she will do the opposite in front of them and pull me down when all I am doing is trying to be a dad and teaching them how to eat properly, manners etc. She is always right and will try to go against me in every way she can. She’s attacked me as a father, husband and man. I went for drink wit her 9 months ago and she said in front of everyone she would rather sleep with anyone but me, this caused me distress, hurt and embarasment (we had also not had sex for 12 months, her choice) when we got home I asked her if we should split, she put her face an inch from mine and said "why don’t you just F++K off" then I snapped and put my hands around her neck for a few seconds (not enough to mark her, but still wrong) since then we have not slept in the same bed (9 months) since she's also said things to insinuate my dad was abusive and I had a bad upbringing (my dad died recently) this also hurts me bad. She’s gone out drinking with her mates for the past few years and doesn’t arrange any socialising with the kids and me but leaves me out. I stop in the computer room by myself, if I go in the other room with her she goes in the computer room. I cannot stand anymore of this, it’s so lonely. I had a heart attack 2 years ago and feel like she’s trying to give me another, she doesn’t recognise her actions like I do my own actions she just puts it all on me pulling me down. <br />
I feel I have tried everyway to tell her what she’s like but she will not accept this, not like I accept what I have done is wrong. I feel its time I gave up on her loose my kids and my home along with her, I love her but she’s driving me to an early grave.<br />
She says she wants to start again and just be friends then if she feels like I am doing what she wants she might sleep in the same bed etc. I find this impossible to do for any longer than a week because her separating herself from me is so insulting.<br />
Any suggestions?

Mike, I wonder how has your story evolved so far. My situation is slightly different. Unlike yours, my wife is passive-aggressive; she will never, ever get into an argument with anyone "in the real world". Out there she's pushed over by anybody, her parents, her brother, her co-workers, a guy on the street. But when she comes home, she abuses the only person in the planet who loves her. I've been taking it for five years, trying to make her understand she's destroying my health and making my life miserable, to no avail. She will do it again in the next ten minutes. And, like others have commented, she also suffered abandonment and abuse at a tender age.<br><br />
So why do we get enmeshed in this kind of destructive relationships? I guess we attempt to re-create what we had in our own families, and to resolve the issues. This woman says she cannot see what she is doing, even though we went to therapy together, so I'm walking out to find me someone who, instead of wanting me around to discharge her unresolved anger, loves me and respect me; there must be someone out there. Peace.

Thanks, all of you. Your insight is incredible; that is what EP is all about. One way or another, you have each lived your version of my situation, and are able to give valuable insight.<br />
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Searchingformeaning, You have been hurt in some of the same ways that I hurt my wife. I really appreciate your insight. I will look for opportunities to do as you suggested. One difference between you and her, though, is that you are much more self-aware; you are willing to do your fair part in reconciliation (i.e. forgiveness). You show genuine signs of wanting to rebuild your relationship. My wife, on the other hand, scoffs at apologies.<br />
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Celainn, you hit it right on. I went back and reread my post; I did not use the word anger. But anger does seem to be the underlying issue. Interesting you should mention counseling. We started marriage counseling 4 years ago. She quit last summer saying it was a waste of time and money. Our counselor said she is not ready to deal with her issues. (I still go to counseling. I am benefitting and becoming a better person.) Your last words were encouraging, but hard (don’t take her anger as your due.) That is what I really need to take to heart.<br />
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Firetech, thanks. I do have to fight against sinking to her level. <br />
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I have these big swings where I think it’s not so bad, I can deal with it; then get hit and think I cannot continue this way. But I don’t think she is as bad as your ex. But maybe I don’t know what daylight is.

Wow. I did not think my first wife got married again, but apparently she met you. C is right. It stems from anger..often because of terrible damage done during childhood.<br />
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I can remember many times dreading to turn that doorknob, because I didn't know who would be on the other side of the door.<br />
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In my case, I had to leave, because rather than changing her, I found myself sinking into her darkness. I cannot tell you the difference between a toxic relationship and a healthy relationship. It is literally like coming out of the night into daylight.

I must confess I too tend to be overly critical of my Husband, and like you over the years he has begun to just take it. <br />
I now know I do this as a release and he is the target. He is the target because I know deep in my heart his love for me is unconditional. I am taking advantage of that, I know. I unleash my buried anger towards him that has built up over the years. All the things a couple never really resolves lay behind those picks and jabs. I may provoke an argument, but these argument are never productive. The just breed more discontent, that in turn manifests as further condescending remarks. It is a vicious circle. <br />
I can see the parallels in how my Mother treated me. He sees it too.<br />
I do remind myself, that he is my very best friend and I would never treat a friend they way I treat him at times.<br />
I think the under laying emotion is respect. I respect the man, but not always the husband.<br />
I wish sometimes he could realize where my anger is coming from. I know I would respond differently if he would kindly, yet with conviction remind me at those moments that he is aware of why I am angry. I would like him to express that he is sorry for causing such feelings inside of me. Most of all I would like him to ask for the respect he is trying to deserve.<br />
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To clarify: This negative behavior towards my husband, began and is a result of a behavior of my husbands that is still a source of angst in our marriage.<br />
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I think a man and woman should stand up for their rights. No one should be treated disrespectfully.<br />
Even when it comes from a source of love. I think the way to deal with this must also be presented with love and an understanding as to the why the behavior occurs.