Thought I'd Never Do It....

But I have.... Married 14 years to a "really nice guy" who took both my kids in as his own and has done his best to support us.... Soon into the marriage he wanted little to do with sex.  Literally, it's been a bone of contention ever since.  We've been to 4+ counselors, I've cried, emailed, written letters, talked, begged, thinking eventually he'd see the light.... but not.  I felt all the feelings you feel when your spouse refuses you - it's deplorable.  I still love my husband, and am stil attracted to him... but I'm quickly losing respect for him and the thought of being physical with him again doesn't exist anymore.  I never saw myself divorcing, let alone stepping outside the marriage...  I kept thinking about the kids.  Then came my 49th birthday....

I had read an earlier post where someone suggested the book, Too Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay.... I got it, read it and it changed everything.  I realized that nothing's gonna change in my marriage and if I want to be happy I need to do the changing.  I can say, It's OVER now.  I've told him I"m done trying with the marriage.... I think he thinks it's just a funk I"m in.  He's so used to me approaching him for sex.... but I have't for months now. 

I plan to leave as soon as I can do so financially.  Long story.... but honestly, I can't get out fast enough.  In fact, I'm trying to not make any hasty, stupid decisions about leaving.  My daughter is still home/in high school so that keeps me grounded.  The "chill in the air" when my H and I are home together is obvious although he'd never mention it.

But I decided in the meantime I would finally try to have some fulfillment in my life... to feel desirable again... to TALK to someone again, to laugh and be wanted.... I posted an ad and met some nice guys out there - albeit married... what am I gonna do with a single guy?  He'd just want to spend more time together than I can afford right now.  I met a man who I am crazy about.... but the limitations are very frustrating.  We see each other about every other week for an entire day.  It's wonderful.  I try not to read too much into it - "it is what it is"....  but it does feel good to be wanted again, to be flirted with, to be touched and talked with.

I think my H knows, (or at least doesn't want to know) what I"m doing... He'd rather have me living there as his roommate, keeping things as they are for God knows how long.  Sometimes I think it would be easier if he'd meet someone.... But that's yet another story.  I have every reason to believe 99% that he's had another woman(women) in the past.  I found emails on our personal computer about 3 years ago - it wasn't pretty!

Anyway, I'm sitting by myself in a pub alone right now because I don't want to be home where my H is....my daughter is with friends this evening.  Who knows where it will end... I don't expect anything... just looking forward to the next "fix"....   

NEVER thought I'd do this, but here I am....   Here's to each of you waiting for your fix... for happiness.... waiting to be loved again.  You deserve it. 

 

deleted deleted
26-30
3 Responses Feb 20, 2010

You might try a doctor first. This might be medical and not something that a counsler can help. I'm sure that you would hate to have left only to find out it was a hormone problem he was having.

My fellow pea in the pod!! I feel for you, with you, I hope you strength.

I feel your pain and I am sorry to hear you are going through such pain and hurt right now. I was in a bad marriage and thought I couldn't handle things on my own and no one would understand. And my kids were in my mind always. I didn't want them to be hurting or see us hurting. I found that before you can go on you have to take away the hurt and pain. Trying to see another man right now isn't the answer. You are hurting and going to cause more hurt and pain as well as stress. It seems like you have really tried your best on things but your husband isn't changing. You need to count on the support of your family and children right now. Get out of that marriage and take it one day at at time. I did it three years ago when others didn't think I couldn't do it but I did and I am more happier and stable than I ever Have been. My kids are doing so much better now. I did the right choice. It's hard but you can do it and if you need someone to talk to plz add me and we can talk. god bless