Being Bipolar Ruins Everything But It Doesn't Have To If People Would Understand

I have been married 4 times!  Each husband knew I was bipolar and said oh sure I know what that is, I understand while we were dating.  When we got married and I would get manic they DIDN'T understand.  They didn't bother to understand my need to spend money and be out of the house with other people.  When I got depressed they DIDN'T understand that either.  I was blamed for everything and divorced.  All of my husbands' were smart men.  They quit their jobs and got an attorney so I was the one left "holding" the bag - I had to pay them!  My fianances are a mess, I have no children and no friends.  I live in a retirement community because husband #4  is 64 yrs old.  His ex-wife #3 calls me crazy and does not let him see his daughter who lives in another state, even though this woman has a child who is 17 now and has asbergers.

I guess the worst  part of being bipolar is that people constantly call you crazy and love to gossip about you.  People were I live say I act weird but I don't.  I have a high IQ and got a nursing degree with honors.  They don't see that part though  because I cannot work due to the rapid cycling of my disease.

I am tired of apologizing for who I am.   My own family wants nothing to do with me.  My sister is ashamed of me, yet she has a 17 yr old daughter who is also bipolar, as well as her husband.  Of all people I would have thought she would understand and be beside me - but no.

There are many days when I feel like life is not worth it.  I have had two cousins die by suicide and many more who also have bipolar.  I am religious and believe God put me here for a purpose.   I have tried suicide many times but I am still here, so I guess God has something more important in store for me, even if it is a life alone in my golden years.   I truly believe HE is the only one who can bring a life and take one as well.

I guess my biggest complaint is that once someone finds out that you are bipolar, you are no longer a "person".  You are crazy.  People are offended by the word "retarded", well did  they ever stop and think that we hate being called crazy.

On a good day I can accomplish more than most people.  If things are bad, they are really bad and nothing gets done.  People come to my home and look at me funny because my home doesn't look like it stepped out of a page in a magazine. I don't work so they expect my home to be perfect.  I married a slob and just cannot deal with putting his stuff away.  I have to take care of myself.  Don't get me wrong - my home is clean!  It just has clutter (magazines, mail, coats, etc laying around).   I just say to them this is not 1950 and I'm not June Cleaver.   I get done what I can.

This is a disease I would not wish on anyone.  It robs you of being social, it robs you of your finances, it destroys everything in its path sooner or later.

If all of us who have this disease would only stand up and say I am a person, a highly intelligent person.  I have disease that is based on hormones that I cannot control. 

We need to get the media involved more so that the shame and disgrace is no longer there.  Many of us try to work and make  a living but find we cannot.  Some of us are lucky we can work a little.  People need to realize we do not choose to stay home.  Believe me I would rather be doing something, anything to be social but that is not possible for me.  

I will never again apologize for who I am.  I am somebody, somebody who matters.  So does everyone else with this dreaded disease.  There is no shame from me personally.
gigi1982 gigi1982
3 Responses Dec 7, 2010

Part of being mentally ill and untreatable is refusing to acknowledge the problems you cause. Your mania is not something that should be understood and put up with. It should have in the beginning of your life (ideally) been something you dealt with and learned to manage. No one other than other Bipolar people are going to feel like people owe Bipolar individuals the type of understanding where you should be simply permitted to go off the deep end and immediately forgiven without any thoughts for your efforts at self-control, your consideration of the lives of the other organisms (are they humans or lesser beings to you if you think they lack the same priority as yourself), etc.

You are the common denominator in all of this (stop blaming a diagnosis and find fault in yourself as an entire person/entity) and it is never going to stop (the alienation from your family and other repercussions) until you begin to control the path of your life and your conduct. I am sorry, but it is not too late to get a grip on yourself even at the later stages of life.

You're brave and wonderful... keep it up! My husband is trying to get my 4 kids in the divorce we are currently in the midst of... sadly he has been able to convince my elder 3 that mom is crazy... life is not easy, but i am still trying to fight for my rights!

Wow. I admit I came to your post curious. I jsut found out a dr diagnoised me 6 yrs ago. But I was alone in that appt and don't remember actually being told. Just a couple of weeks ago I was in another appt with the same dr but my husband was there and she stated it has been 6 yrs but we will find the right combo of medicine. I became shocked and ill to my stomach. The stigma for yrs when I heard the title bipolar was of friends and family around me making fun of others. I knew I had mental problems but they are of other sorts and so it always bothered me to hear them and yet in my mind I always had a sigh of relief that at least I don't have that. Now I am dealing with it and scared of it all at the same time. But reading your post I am crying... its a good cry though because you put into words something I could only dream of doing!!!! I hope you dont mind if I borrow part of this (the explaining part at the bottom couple of paragraphs. I would like to show them to my husband so he can see the words I have been trying to form for a while now. Maybe it will make sense to him as well. THANK YOU again for this post!!!