First And Last LoveI think back to when I was 16 years old and I was dating my first boyfriend, Ben, who has now become my fiance. Those first times with him were truly something special. He was the first boy I ever danced with, first boy who ever held my hand, first boy to ever kiss me, first first first... You get the idea. Those first days were something magical to me. Like as if I were Cinderella who had dressed up for the ball and danced with her prince before she had to leave once the clock hit 12. My life was a fairy tale and I believed in that true love. I looked to Ben, saw past all his flaws, and loved him unconditionally.
But like every fairy tale in reality, we were met by opposition. After only a short month of dating, Ben broke up with me. I was heart broken! But I still loved him and I still believed in our true love. I decided to wait for him for as long as my heart called me to do so. While waiting, I’d occasionally try chasing away all the other girls he dated while also frequently scolding him for not taking relationships seriously.
I remember that it was during this time of my greatest sorrow that I truly pondered the meaning of relationships. I pondered why I felt Ben never should have left me. I pondered why I felt that we should be together forever, never parting.
My first thoughts went to the world’s perspective: The first love is just a test drive, you should date as many different people as you can, you need to meet lots of people to find what you like and can put up with, you’re too young for a serious relationship, true love doesn’t exist, you can’t promise forever, there’s no such thing as real life fairy tale stories, etc... But then I thought, “Well, that’s a load of bull.”
When I thought about all this junk that others tried to fill me up with, I began thinking about happy ever afters. I began to think, “Why can’t I live happily forever after? Won’t heaven be that way? Why can’t I just make my life life like a heaven on Earth? Why wait for that happiness because of my age? Who am I to decide when God will bring the right man along? Happiness will only happen with my faith and trust in God regardless of what the world thinks.”
And as I thought about happy ever afters, and how I believed in them, I thought about all the princess movies I watched growing up as a little girl. Cinderella, the Swan Princess, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty all had something in common. The only had one man! You don’t see these princesses wandering around, dating lots of different boys, trying to find the right guy. They met one guy they really liked, or came to like, and then fell in love forever. That is to say, each of these princesses only had one love and lived happily ever after. Oh how beautiful I then thought that was! Life in this world is hectic and so often times imperfect, but is that not the way it ought to be?
As I thought this, a thought cam to my mind, “The first is last, and the last is first. And the beginning is the end, and the end is the beginning. For all things are eternal.” Oh how much more beautiful then, I thought, if my first boyfriend could be my last boyfriend, and my last boyfriend the first? How beautiful would it be if the beginning of Ben and I’s relationship was the end of it, but that end was our true beginning for all eternity!
And once I got on that mindset... Then I got thinking about Mark 10: 2-9 “And the Pharisees came to [Jesus Christ], and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife? tempting him. And [Jesus] answered and said unto them, What did Moses command you? And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away. And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”
What stood out to me in remembering these verses was that for the hardness of men’s hearts does God allow for divorce to happen, but from the beginning it was not so. Rather, two people are to come together and never part. My mind then took it to a deeper level. For the hardness of men’s hearts, God does allow for people to date many in relationships. But from the beginning, it was not so. For Adam and Eve came together as one, and never divided, never having competition. Therefore ought we not to be the same? And have our first boyfriend/girlfriend become our soulmate also? So then by that logic, by having many more relationships than one, you’re undergoing a divorce each time you break it off to find some one new. And if you’re constantly divorcing (breaking up) with people... then as Matthew 5:32 states, “But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.”
Whoa! So then by that logic, whosoever has had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend is guilty of a spiritual adultery. Not literal adultery, however, because you can still be a literal virgin when you lose your spiritual virginity. Break ups should only happen under the same circumstances in which divorces are okay: cheating. Of course you should break up with an abusive person too. You need to be with someone who will treat you, children, and your family righteously... so be careful who you go into a relationship with! Makes lots of friends and get to know people before you make any commitments because I’m sorry, but a relationship is a commitment that should be forever. There should never be such a thing as a casual relationship that you can leave at any given time.
All this is what I thought of at the age 16. After all these thoughts came to me, I became very solid in these beliefs. I felt that if Ben were never to repent and ask me to take him back eternally, then my second boyfriend would be as if he were my first! Still, even though I became solid in this belief window... I had a weak spot. I’m not perfect and I’ve dated a boy named CJ awhile after Ben and I broke up. I really regret it because it felt so wrong to do it. It woke Ben up to realizing where his own wrongs were taking him, but I still shouldn’t have done it. I’m sad to have had that weakness of wanting a new boyfriend before I was ready. I was too heart broken over Ben to even think about moving on. I do remember trying telling CJ I wasn't ready, but he kept hitting on me. I guess I could blame CJ for being too flirtatious and taking advantage of my weakness... And I guess I could also blame Ben for breaking my heart for not wanting to promise me forever...? Well even if some of the blame could go on them, I still did it and I regret it.
Anyway, I think there’s no sin in sleeping with your first boyfriend/girlfriend so long as you understand eternity and that once you have done it, you need to get married. Exodus 22:16 "And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife." 1 Corinthians 7:36 "But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry." What I think is that if you didn’t commit a spiritual adultery... you’d actually be a whole lot better off then all those people who had many boyfriend/girlfriends and waited until marriage. Now I ask to please not get me wrong. You should absolutely do everything you can within your power to wait until marriage to have sex. Even if your heart is pure and you love the person you're dating with all your heart, you want to be certain they'll make that eternal commitment with you before you give them all of yourself. The commandment of having no sex before marriage is for your own protection as it protects you from certain heartbreak when you have sex with someone who doesn't care about you.
So I guess what I'm encouraging is utmost commitment in your first relationship, taking dating seriously, and not to judge others for making love before marriage. If you still think to judge those who make love before marriage... Ponder this: God judges the heart and not the outward appearance of things. What is a marriage contract other than a formality of love between two lovers that already exists?
I know this may be awkward for some, but I do also want to give some sex advice. Even once you're married, don't rush into it. Take your time and make sure you enjoy one another. Take your time and don't worry if things don't work out the way you plan it. Life together isn't about perfection, but how devoted you are to one another. Also, I recommend that you never lust after your own lover or anyone else. Rather, I think making love is about desiring to feel oneness with the other person while physically showing love to one another. It shouldn't be about personal gain or pleasure.
So anyway, I’d argue that spiritual adultery (breaking up and dating others) is just as bad if not worse than literal adultery (divorcing and marrying another). Each time you do this, you soil dreams and possibilities. I cannot think of anything worse than robbing a person of hopes of loving you forever by breaking their heart. Can you?
I hope you understand my opinions. To wrap things up, Ben is with me now we’re going to be together forever. He has long since repented and begged for my forgiveness on his knees with tears in his eyes. I forgave him with all my heart! Everything’s all happy now. We have our struggles, but I think we’ll work things out one way or another. I love him too much not to! I never let anything he does annoy me or get me angry for any longer than a fleeting moment. I love him unconditionally and I do not judge him for the things he does or the things he believes. I love our relationship because we can tell each other anything and know everything will work itself out. I never hold a grudge against the things he does because I love him. True love is unconditional, and if you want it for yourself, you have to first love others that same way.
Call me crazy, but this is what I believe and this is what I live by. ^_^