First And Last Love

I think back to when I was 16 years old and I was dating my first boyfriend, Ben, who has now become my fiance. Those first times with him were truly something special. He was the first boy I ever danced with, first boy who ever held my hand, first boy to ever kiss me, first first first... You get the idea. Those first days were something magical to me. Like as if I were Cinderella who had dressed up for the ball and danced with her prince before she had to leave once the clock hit 12. My life was a fairy tale and I believed in that true love. I looked to Ben, saw past all his flaws, and loved him unconditionally.

But like every fairy tale in reality, we were met by opposition. After only a short month of dating, Ben broke up with me. I was heart broken! But I still loved him and I still believed in our true love. I decided to wait for him for as long as my heart called me to do so. While waiting, I’d occasionally try chasing away all the other girls he dated while also frequently scolding him for not taking relationships seriously.

I remember that it was during this time of my greatest sorrow that I truly pondered the meaning of relationships. I pondered why I felt Ben never should have left me. I pondered why I felt that we should be together forever, never parting.

My first thoughts went to the world’s perspective: The first love is just a test drive, you should date as many different people as you can, you need to meet lots of people to find what you like and can put up with, you’re too young for a serious relationship, true love doesn’t exist, you can’t promise forever, there’s no such thing as real life fairy tale stories, etc... But then I thought, “Well, that’s a load of bull.”

When I thought about all this junk that others tried to fill me up with, I began thinking about happy ever afters. I began to think, “Why can’t I live happily forever after? Won’t heaven be that way? Why can’t I just make my life life like a heaven on Earth? Why wait for that happiness because of my age? Who am I to decide when God will bring the right man along? Happiness will only happen with my faith and trust in God regardless of what the world thinks.”

And as I thought about happy ever afters, and how I believed in them, I thought about all the princess movies I watched growing up as a little girl. Cinderella, the Swan Princess, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty all had something in common. The only had one man! You don’t see these princesses wandering around, dating lots of different boys, trying to find the right guy. They met one guy they really liked, or came to like, and then fell in love forever. That is to say, each of these princesses only had one love and lived happily ever after. Oh how beautiful I then thought that was! Life in this world is hectic and so often times imperfect, but is that not the way it ought to be?

As I thought this, a thought cam to my mind, “The first is last, and the last is first. And the beginning is the end, and the end is the beginning. For all things are eternal.” Oh how much more beautiful then, I thought, if my first boyfriend could be my last boyfriend, and my last boyfriend the first? How beautiful would it be if the beginning of Ben and I’s relationship was the end of it, but that end was our true beginning for all eternity!

And once I got on that mindset... Then I got thinking about Mark 10: 2-9 “And the Pharisees came to [Jesus Christ], and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife? tempting him. And [Jesus] answered and said unto them, What did Moses command you? And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away. And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”

What stood out to me in remembering these verses was that for the hardness of men’s hearts does God allow for divorce to happen, but from the beginning it was not so. Rather, two people are to come together and never part. My mind then took it to a deeper level. For the hardness of men’s hearts, God does allow for people to date many in relationships. But from the beginning, it was not so. For Adam and Eve came together as one, and never divided, never having competition. Therefore ought we not to be the same? And have our first boyfriend/girlfriend become our soulmate also? So then by that logic, by having many more relationships than one, you’re undergoing a divorce each time you break it off to find some one new. And if you’re constantly divorcing (breaking up) with people... then as Matthew 5:32 states, “But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.”

Whoa! So then by that logic, whosoever has had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend is guilty of a spiritual adultery. Not literal adultery, however, because you can still be a literal virgin when you lose your spiritual virginity. Break ups should only happen under the same circumstances in which divorces are okay: cheating. Of course you should break up with an abusive person too. You need to be with someone who will treat you, children, and your family righteously... so be careful who you go into a relationship with! Makes lots of friends and get to know people before you make any commitments because I’m sorry, but a relationship is a commitment that should be forever. There should never be such a thing as a casual relationship that you can leave at any given time.

All this is what I thought of at the age 16. After all these thoughts came to me, I became very solid in these beliefs. I felt that if Ben were never to repent and ask me to take him back eternally, then my second boyfriend would be as if he were my first! Still, even though I became solid in this belief window... I had a weak spot. I’m not perfect and I’ve dated a boy named CJ awhile after Ben and I broke up. I really regret it because it felt so wrong to do it. It woke Ben up to realizing where his own wrongs were taking him, but I still shouldn’t have done it. I’m sad to have had that weakness of wanting a new boyfriend before I was ready. I was too heart broken over Ben to even think about moving on. I do remember trying telling CJ I wasn't ready, but he kept hitting on me. I guess I could blame CJ for being too flirtatious and taking advantage of my weakness... And I guess I could also blame Ben for breaking my heart for not wanting to promise me forever...? Well even if some of the blame could go on them, I still did it and I regret it.

Anyway, I think there’s no sin in sleeping with your first boyfriend/girlfriend so long as you understand eternity and that once you have done it, you need to get married. Exodus 22:16 "And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife." 1 Corinthians 7:36 "But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry."    What I think is that if you didn’t commit a spiritual adultery... you’d actually be a whole lot better off then all those people who had many boyfriend/girlfriends and waited until marriage. Now I ask to please not get me wrong. You should absolutely do everything you can within your power to wait until marriage to have sex. Even if your heart is pure and you love the person you're dating with all your heart, you want to be certain they'll make that eternal commitment with you before you give them all of yourself. The commandment of having no sex before marriage is for your own protection as it protects you from certain heartbreak when you have sex with someone who doesn't care about you.

So I guess what I'm encouraging is utmost commitment in your first relationship, taking dating seriously, and not to judge others for making love before marriage. If you still think to judge those who make love before marriage... Ponder this: God judges the heart and not the outward appearance of things. What is a marriage contract other than a formality of love between two lovers that already exists?

I know this may be awkward for some, but I do also want to give some sex advice. Even once you're married, don't rush into it. Take your time and make sure you enjoy one another. Take your time and don't worry if things don't work out the way you plan it. Life together isn't about perfection, but how devoted you are to one another. Also, I recommend that you never lust after your own lover or anyone else. Rather, I think making love is about desiring to feel oneness with the other person while physically showing love to one another. It shouldn't be about personal gain or pleasure.

So anyway, I’d argue that spiritual adultery (breaking up and dating others) is just as bad if not worse than literal adultery (divorcing and marrying another). Each time you do this, you soil dreams and possibilities. I cannot think of anything worse than robbing a person of hopes of loving you forever by breaking their heart. Can you?

I hope you understand my opinions. To wrap things up, Ben is with me now we’re going to be together forever. He has long since repented and begged for my forgiveness on his knees with tears in his eyes. I forgave him with all my heart! Everything’s all happy now. We have our struggles, but I think we’ll work things out one way or another. I love him too much not to! I never let anything he does annoy me or get me angry for any longer than a fleeting moment. I love him unconditionally and I do not judge him for the things he does or the things he believes. I love our relationship because we can tell each other anything and know everything will work itself out. I never hold a grudge against the things he does because I love him. True love is unconditional, and if you want it for yourself, you have to first love others that same way.


Call me crazy, but this is what I believe and this is what I live by. ^_^
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3 Responses Jun 6, 2012

how did you know that Ben is the right man for you???

While I do agree that the world’s philosophy is garbage, I don’t agree with other things you’ve said. The only time I remember seeing anything like “the first is last, and the last is first” is in the gospel when Christ is speaking of prominence in the kingdom. Not all things are eternal. The only “relationship” God speaks of as being lasting and binding is marriage, and even that has an end at death. Christ himself said that there is no marriage in heaven.<br />
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The passage you’re referring to in Mark 10:2-9 has nothing to do with dating, even if you try to stretch the interpretation. In fact, dating isn’t even mentioned in the Bible. The only relationships that are mentioned in the Bible are friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, espousal and marriage. That being said, we can’t compare dating to marriage, they are two completely different things. One is a relationship made by man and the other is a covenant instituted by God. I can’t prove it Biblically, so I won’t go into my definition of a “soulmate” as the Bible never describes it (although I can give it to you later if you’re interested), but I can tell you is that just because someone is a “boyfriend” or a “girlfriend” that doesn’t make them soulmates. Also, divorcing and breaking up only have the breaking up in common. Like I said, God didn’t create dating nor does he address it, so to compare it to divorce by quoting Matthew 5:32 isn’t accurate.<br />
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None of the references to “spiritual adultery” or “spiritual virginity” apply here, or are even found in the Bible. Breakups are not governed by the same principles as divorce because like I said, God never addresses it. Dating is not vital to marriage. There are arranged marriages (which God neither condemns nor condones) that work just fine because the two learn to love and sacrifice for each other. I’m not saying that it’s ok to cheat on someone your dating or be abusive, but while committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationships should be honored, they are in no way the same thing as marriage. I do agree that you should be careful in whom you decide to be in a relationship with, but at the same time, if a couple breaks up there is nothing binding between them because they are not married.<br />
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There is nothing wrong with dating while you’re not in a relationship, nor is there anything wrong in refraining from dating. I don’t believe you did anything wrong in doing so. Dating is not eternal and neither is marriage, quoting Matthew 22:30 Jesus says “For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.”, so no one can promise forever, only until death. Even if I marry again, I won’t be married to her in heaven.<br />
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In that light, it is still a sin to sleep with your boyfriend/girlfriend no matter how many you’ve had. It’s a sin called fornication, and because neither are married it can’t be considered adultery. The quote from Exodus is pertaining to the Law, which those who believe on Christ are not under. As for 1 Corinthians 7:36, the man in question is the virgins father, who made a vow not to let her marry. If there was any guilt over the vow, she was of the right age and there was a need, he could let her marry. This has nothing to do with sex.<br />
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When God says that something is a sin (i.e. fornication) then a Christian is supposed to be opposed to the sin. I don’t condone or support and I speak out against these things. While God does judge the heart, he does not tolerate sin. Marriage is a covenant, not a contract, and unless you’re in a marriage covenant, sex has no place in it. Once you’re married there are no bounds outside of respecting your spouse.<br />
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There is no such thing as spiritual adultery, because earthly relationships don’t carry over into. I do agree that devotion is necessary, but if a breakup happens before marriage then that’s all it is, a breakup. The only way you would have sinned is if there was some sin involved with the breakup. But as I said, since God never addresses dating then we can’t compare it to marriage or divorce.<br />
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I’m glad you love Ben and are devoted to him, but even when you marry the marriage will end at death. No one is married in heaven, as I showed you from the Bible. Just be faithful to him, as I’m sure you will be.

Did God give you a scripture from the Bible to back eternal marriage up? He's not going to contradict himself when he already said that there are no marriages in heaven in Matthew 22:29-30. I can claim with confidence that the Bible trumps whatever you claimed to have heard or felt. By the way, feelings can be deceptive, whereas the Bible can always be trusted. --- With dating, I don't know why God is silent on the issue, but I can say this, those who date many and remain a virgin before marriage are not worse than those who date one and lose their virginity to that person before marriage, even if they marry them. --- Umm, if a man has sex with a virgin it is still fornication. The word literally means "harlotry" in the Greek and does not need either party to be married to someone to commit it. That's what adultery is, having sex with someone other than your husband or wife. The fact that there are two separate terms for it show that while they are both sins before God, he decided to identify them separately. Sex before marriage is a sin whether they marry or not. It is an act meant only for those who are married.

I love your story! My first love recently left me....and i'm really broken up about it, but after reading your story, i want to believe in love again. Because it's real and maybe this just wasn't mine but i know when love is real it finds a way. The next time i date, it will be with the only person that will ever be mine :-)