And Today Would Be. . .

I married my first real love and today (2/17) would be our 48th anniversary, except we have been divorced since '72.  That's 37 years apart.  And I still love him as much as I did in '61.  So, today is always a moan and groan pity party for me.  Esp now that he has been remarried for longer than we were together.  I think they married in '91, but I am not sure b/c i blocked it out.  We have one son who is now almost 47!  And a granddaughter 20.  We used to see each other occasionally for the granddaughter's birthday for several years, but The Other Wife, as I refer to her, is very jealous and finally put an end to that completely.  I was talking to a very old friend today who empathized with me to some degree.  She said losing a love like mine was like a death.  I agreed, except with a death, you know you will not see or hear the other person ever again.  That's sad in a certain way.  But with the death of a deep relationship, you never know when you MIGHT run into him again.  If you do, you are supposed to act like a normal person and not go to pieces or throw yourself into his arms or scratch the eyes out of TOW (The Other Wife)!  Not so easy to do for me.  In spite of all the horrible things that he did (he was unfaithful many times), I still love him so much. Even today, when he often does the same things that drove me crazy when we were married -- like totally ignore my feelings, or being snotty and hateful.  He can be the most aggravating man alive.  But I wish so much that he would just hold me in his arms once more.  After all this time, there are still SO many things that remind me of him and good times -- b/c there were many good times too.

I thought I was getting better about this lately.  For the first time I did not send him a birthday card or present, nor anything at Xmas.  I really kind of forgot.  A good sign.  But the today comes along and it's as bad as it ever was.  I am working on it, but it's like an amputated limb -- the pain is still there.

LunarPanda LunarPanda
66-70, F
8 Responses Feb 18, 2009

Everyone gets restless and maybe a roving eye after several years of marriage, I think, esp if you don't know what you really want to do. You need to feel challenged in some way and sex is often the easiest way to aliviate boredom. Think how tempting it must be for him who have much shorter attention spans! This doesn't mean that you don't love your husband or want to be married anymore. It does mean that you do need to extend your horizons in some way and expand your interests whether it's by going to school or changing professions or developing a new talent. Change is a constant and growth promotes change. If your love and marraige stay the same with no change, they become stagnant and boring and eventually die. It's up to you to figure out what you want to change about yourself and how you want to grow and expand. Whatever you do about yourself will affect your marriage and your love -- for good or ill. If you change radically, it can frighten or challenge your husband to do something similar.<br />
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In my case, I think some of my changes, tho positive, scared my husband. Somewhat resistant to change in general, I think he reacted by following the path of least resistance (sex). Since we weren't in any couple's counseling, neither understood what was really happening. Given a few months of therapy, I could have forgiven his infidelity (I had before). Whether he was mature enough to understand why he was acting out with sex, I don't know.<br />
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If you are sincere in wanting to maintain your marriage, I would advise counseling for you together. Being able to communicate clearly with one another is essential. Good luck.

37 years later...wow! I hardly know what to say. Right now, I am in a relationship with a perfect father and (nearly) perfect husband...but I find myself retless so much of the time. Go figure. He is my only love of 11 years. I don't know why I am restless, why attracted to another guy...I have a career, children, friends, family, outside activities...a full life. I don't know what I want...and that's a bit intimidating. I hope I don't do anything stupid. I'm sure I'd still love my husband decades later. I don't know what to say. I'd love to say that "hopefully you'll get him back". ...but now TOW is probably in the same situation that you're in...an innocent bystander. I hope you have a chance to love again...someone else, just as deeply.

Your post made me cry. I am so sorry that it didn't work out.Have the two of you been together at all since the divorce? It seems like it took him a long time to move on too. Have you tried to be in other relationships ? I am sorry if I am too nosy. I am having problems in my marriage, and have a tough decision to make, your post makes me so sad. If I make the wrong choice I don't want to end up regretting it 20 years from now! I am very much in love with my husband and he says he is with me and I guess I do believe that he loves me the best way he knows how. He has betrayed my trust. I don't want to have to watch my back everytime I turn around. I think counseling might help you to move on to the next chapter of your life. There is someone out there who is dreaming of a life with you (his soulmate) I think you just have to let go of the past and let him in....does that make sense? Let me knowhow you are getting on, ok? Good luck with all you are dealing with.

I cried too, a lot. I have not looked at this since I read the aerlier entries. I just reread it all, and am crying now. Not badly, but the tears are falling. Sometimes I think the pain is finally gone, but it isn't. I did some therapy that helped a whole lot a few years ago and that was good, but . . .We did have a lot that was very good, but there was always a part of him that I just did not understand and did not know how to cope with. He always gave me a lot of freedom to do as I wanted. never seemed jealous at all. I tried to give him the same, but that may have been the wrong thing to do with him. I just don't understand why I can love him so much still, and why it still hurts so much.

that is so sad =[<br />
i cried

He has always been faithful. He does have a drinking problem, but he has done good stopping so far. He has his slips but, they come few and far in between. He loves my daughter like she is his own. One of the times we were seperated I was in a relationship with another man, and I had a baby. She was 5 months old, she is 20 months old now. We have problems but, we are trying. We both agree that we will always stay together, but it's hard. Sometimes, I want to give up. But, I can't give up on him. It's nice to know that your ex helped you out the way he did after you two seperated. I wish you luck and, thanks for taking the time to talk to me.

In some ways, I was lucky with my love. How? He never got in any trouble except with me! Except for screwing around with different women (not all the time, thank goodness, but twice is too much), he worked hard, helped at home, was very dependable (except emotionally!) After the divorce, he worked really hard at being a good father and always backed me up.Was good with child support and paid for all our son's expenses. He helped me out so many times with money, the car, moving, even taking care of me when I was seriously sick. I think if you really love someone, you can't just un-love them -- ever. In one way, I think you have to evaluate your man on what he does, not what he says. If he is faithful to you, that counts a lot in my book. If he has a problem like drinking, you have to encourage him to quit and give him support, but not enable him.Try to be as honest as possible with each other. That is so important.Communicate with one another and really listen to what the other says.Get counseling if you need to. And stick with it. I had some hard lessons to learn, like standing on my own two feet. I wish you both all the best. Hang in there!

I met my husband when I was 17. He went to jail when he was 17, about 6 months after we met. Then, we met up again when I was 21. We married when I was 22. We separated in 2006 and, got back together December 2007. Were still together now, but I don't know why. I think it's the whole first love thing. Who knows? But, I know how you feel eventhough, I may be younger than you are. I haven't left him for good because I don't want to miss him like you miss your ex. I'm sorry you are going through this, and if you have any advice, I'd love to hear it. Good Luck!