Maybe?

I'm discovering that the love between two females is much more pure than a heterosexual attraction.  And I'm saying this as a heterosexual, mind you..

I discovered recently that I am in love with my closest female friend.  It was unknownst to me for a very long time, but all of a sudden its so obvious.  I think that the reason I never acknowledged how deep my love for her is, is because in this world we associate sex appeal with love.  Sure, I would be pleased to touch her and have sexual relations with her, but it is not a physical drive.  When I look at her, I don't look at her the same way I look at my partner.  My love with my boyfriend is different from the love I have for and with her.  So you see, I'm just now beginning to discern the differences between platonic and romantic love.  But more importantly, I'm discovering the unecesity of romantic love.

I think sexual love between two women is so innocently voluntary, so truly equal and right.  I know that she and I will never be in a relationship, but to me, that makes our connection even more beautiful.  There is no ownership.  As a result, there can be no jealousy, no confusion, no dominance or submission.  Its just two people, expressing.  In a romantic relationship, everything is complicated.  All this time I thought I have been truly "in love" with my partner, and only love my friend because she's my friend.  But my love and happiness and contentment with my friend is so much more than it is with him. 

I am a hetero-sexual female. I am not a very sexual person.  But I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps I am not sexual because I have not pursued a lesbian affair.  I'm actually asking myself..what do I see in any of the men in my life, other than a desire to please them?  My male friends pretty much constantly need assurance, and guidance, and emotional support.  I love my male friends dearly and am happy to be there when they need me.  It gives me a deep satisfaction to help the ones I love.  But it just feels like 'take take take' and they never give back.  In all honesty, they cant give back. The things they have to offer aren't ever what I need.  The things men offer are nothing in comparison with the gifts I receive from my female friends;  patience, understanding, selflessness, empathy, a sincere ear. And above all, silence.

I'm a little flustered with all this sudden realization.  Quite suddenly, the value of my romantic relationship of 3 years has been completely belittled by a platonic relationship with a girl I really barely know.

(I know it sounds odd that she is my best bud, yet I "barely know" her.  But perhaps you don't understand how REFRESHING it is to not have to know someone to understand one another.  Its like.. we don't see one another much, and we have separate social lives, but when we are together and talk or sit in silence, she gets it.  Simple as that.  She gets it.  I know she's a unique girl and we're compatible for many reasons but I know also that this understanding would not, could not exist if not for the fact that she is a female.)

 

I need to meditate on this some more.  But, what it comes down to I think I am ready to give up companionship.  I think Im prepared now to live life as an ****, and not a marriage.  I've gone from feeling entirely ready to sacrifice anything and everything for my boyfriend, to feeling a desire to go out and do things for myself.  And do do these things all the while sharing love and happiness with female companions as opposed to male ones.

I can see now why men felt compelled to persecute homosexuals and oppress women in general.  This feeling of sexual freedom releases me from the bondages of moral obligations to my boyfriend.  It is not even about sex.  I  hope I have described my situation well.  I have so many ideas right now which are difficult to convey, revelations that are too good to be true.  Im ready to be completely independent and alone and happy and free, and looking forward to doing this with other independent happy free people.  Somehow, the dream cant be accomplished with men.  I wont even begin to try and understand why.  I read a story once about an anarchistic society, and in the tale the speaker said something along the lines that "I think women are born anarchists" and went on about men being less prone to anarchy, but they are perfectly capable of becoming anacrhists if they put effort into the ideal.

An entire population of natural anarchists..gee.  What could be more threatening to a population of dominance-seekers?


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I remember my first sexual encounters.  The "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" stage.  At this young of an age, it was just little girls exploring.  Looking back on those days, and trying to remember..

...well, why was it so natural and light hearted and fun doing what we did?  We'd sneak off to the showers when grama took us to the pool, and look at one another and touch one another's private parts.  It felt good!  Why is it that later on, at age 9, 10, 11, or whatever, I looked around and thought with such caustic shame and worry "I hope they don't think Im a lesbian!" and we never spoke of those little games from back when we were very small.  Such acts had become unspeakable, and none of us could really say why.

Now, in hindsight, I wonder if being heterosexual was ever really natural.  I recall the feelings, curious and confused as to whether or not I was homosexual.  I never had sexual desires for my playmates, but I felt I liked them too much.  I was too attracted to them, I liked the way they looked and talked and acted, and was pleased by their presence so much that I began to worry I was gay.  I couldnt understand it.  If Im gay, I should be having crushes on them right?  Well, I didnt have any sexual interest in them, so how could my liking another girl amount to a crush?  There were no crushes.   But perhaps I could have if I wasn't made to believe it was wrong to do so.  Perhaps if I had understood love is not only physical, it is about empathy and gentleness, and it doesn't matter what gender you choose to pursue this with, I would have chose girls.  All of the fear I had of being gay was socially generated.  A concern passed down by judgmental peers and adults.

 

So here I am.  I've had two homosexual encounters, and both of them were awkward and disappointing.  LIndeed, both were generated by a male third party.  Now I want to seek out my female friend, tell her how I feel, and make love to her, with no males involved;  no inhibitions, no requirements, no faking it, no insecurities, no strings attached.  Just two friends.

 

 

Cade Cade
18-21
3 Responses Feb 10, 2009

This is beautiful. You're becoming to realise that you find men repulsive and you really love and prefer women. It's only natural when women realise the true vile nature of men and the beauty of women they realise that they were always lesbians. please seek her out and become happy as her lesbian lover.

I know what you mean :( Its not nearly the same when you have someone else in the mix, especially a guy. I was really drunk with my boyfriend (at the time) and my best female friend (who I had dated and messed around with a LOT in the past) - me and her started making out and messing around for the first time in ages, and he was getting horny over it and tried to get in on it but I just kinda ended up getting pissed off at him for that and the situation pretty much ended there haha.

Shame you missed the chance to be happy. Him getting off by you getting that pure lesbian love. Don't get angry and take her as you lesbian lover and make love as he watches. But don't let him join in. She's yours and you hers.

Thanks for posting - a lot of this hit home for me. Especially the part about your interest in another woman belittling your relationship with your partner and all it's meant thus far. I feel the same. And also think a lot about the nature of male & female partnerships and whether they can truly be equal.