I Think I Narrowly Missed Being Killed Last Night But...

....I wouldn't know for sure because I can't remember the whole night.  it's gonna be real hard for me to write about it because it's such a ... it's just so ******* bizarre and disturbing.

i was with nicky last night.  apparently, it was going to be a drinking night for both of us because he came and picked me up and had a few other people over, too.  The liquid poison was flowing freely for all of us.  i know i'm supposed to watch myself closely when i drink.  things can get out of hand for me very quickly if i don't pay close attention to how i'm drinking.  i shouldn't even be drinking at all but....anyhow, i was drinking gin real quickly.

i woke up in nicky's bed this morning...both of us were naked.  the sheets were not on the bed but someone laid this old fuzzy blanket over the mattress and that's what we were sleeping on.  i may have still been drunk.  i certainly wasn't feeling well.  it took me a WHILE to realize that i had forgotten a good portion of the night.  it's awful when i blackout.  it's the most horrible feeling in the world hearing about things you said and/or did but don't remember....CAN'T remember, no matter how hard you try.  it's scary.  anyhow....after i started waking up a little more, i noticed that my elbow/arm/wrist was sore and i vaguely remembered getting into another wrestling match with nicky.  i remembered him saying he was gonna kill me.  yeah.  he talks like that sometimes.  it never EVER scares me.  i don't believe him.  he's just wierd like that.  (i know i must sound like a complete DUMB ***) but, i'm telling the truth. what i remember is that we were both drunk and we're both a huge bundle of unkempt, sometimes raw emotion...drinking brings it out in both of us....it can get RATHER intense and out of control (like you know if you're familiar with any of my nicky stories.)  anyhow, what i remember is that we had one of our emotional times....expressing our pain by wrestling and crying. it's a very shotty memory...i mostly remember how i felt....i do remember SOBBING and begging him to kill me....i remember pleading with him to end my misery...telling him i wanted to die.  i remember him being real emotional.  i remember that there was a struggle but i don't actually remember wrestling with him.  i recall a reference to a gun and me telling him to shoot me but..... that's it.

okay...just knowing this much is SO DISTURBING to me.  i SWEAR i do NOT want to die!!  but, sometimes, i get so ******* suicidal when i'm drunk.  i don't talk to people about it.  no one really knows.  but once, a few months ago, i was drinking alone here at home.  there's a very busy train track at the end of my back yard.  this one night, i actually went back to the tracks and laid down beside the tracks...on the hard, cold, jagged rocks, in the rain....i just laid there and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.  i am so pain stricken in those moments....it seems like i'll never make it through.  i didn't lay on the tracks, or even close enough to get hurt if a train came by.  but, it was morbidly comforting to me, laying there, feeling the cold wet hardness of the rocks on my cheek that i could choose it, if i wanted to...if i really, really wanted to, i could choose death.  and...i don't know....sometimes, when i'm drunk, i long for death....sincerely.  i was drunk when i overdosed.

also, i found out nicky had a gun at his house when i was making his bed one day...my hand hit something metal and heavy while i was tucking the sheet between the mattress.  i lifted the mattress up and saw the (first) gun...a revolver but i didn't know at the time what kind it was. i figured there must be no real danger of it going off accidentally, or he wouldn't store it in his mattresses.  but, one night, i was alone at his house....drinking....and on came that wretched pain twisting my insides...i just become so ******* overwrought with this GIANT sadness and it takes over my mind and body and my body actually spasms.......like the pain is actually seeping out of my pours in siezures.  i don't know how i move away from that pain, when it comes.  it's absolutely ******* unbearable and indescribable.  there is nothing else but it.  but, this one night when i was alone at nicky's and it came, i went to his bedroom and sat on the floor next to his bed where the gun had been.  i sat there for a while in the dark just crying and crying and crying.  i so badly wanted to pick the gun up and hold it in my hand....like i had laid alongside the tracks....just to feel closer to the comfort of dying because, at their most intense, it honestly feels like the only way to end those pain-stricken moments is through death.  i argued with myself.  told myself, out loud, "get up and walk away.  don't touch that gun."  but, i gave in.  it was like some movie scene, or something.  i got on my knees and pulled that gun out of the mattresses and, feeling the weight of it just sent me reeling.  i collapsed on the bed, holding the gun to my face, feeling the cool metal and cried tears all over it. 

i don't like to think about these moments.  they scare me.  i don't understand them.

okay, so, let me continue.....

nicky got out of bed while i was getting dressed and was on his hands and knees, reaching under the bed, on the side that i always sleep on.  he said, "holy ******* ****!" in a hushed but urgent tone then, "c'mere...gimme your finger."  there was no way i was gonna stick my hand into the darkness under his bed!  who knew what i may have touched!!  i was blowing my nose or something, acting pretty uninterested and he says, "i can't believe that.  it JUST missed this," and he pulls out this box.  a brand new camera/printer thing.  i didn't know what the hell he was talking about, at first but all doubt was vanguished by the words he spoke next:  "c'mere.  lemme show you somethin....do you know what a powder burn is?"  and he showed me this black mark on the mattress...right beside where i always lay.

umm...i don't know how i wasn't (and still am not) ******** my freakin PANTS!!!  i just acted like i wasn't fazed by any of it...i honestly didn't feel fazed, at all.  but, after he left the bedroom and i finished dressing, i reached down under the bed to feel for what he was talking about....there was a hole in the floor, about the diameter of my pinky finger.  a bullet hole.

i don't know what happened.  he won't tell me.  i asked him this afternoon.  he refuses to talk about it.  i feel like .... so detached from the whole experience. .. like i'm watching it happen to someone else... like it's not really real.  i've been online today searching for rehabilitation centers, though....i mean....I'M NOT STUPID, for fucksake!!  i could have been shot last night...i mean....i could have been shot last night.  i'm writing it but, i just ... my mind won't wrap completely around it.

what if i'm the one who got the gun out? what if i wanted to use it on myself? was there a struggle with the gun? did he shoot it on purpose? which gun was it? and, why the **** does it matter to me?  all i should care about right now is the UNBELIEVALBE fact that i am sitting here talking about guns and sticking my fingers in bullet holes!!  i mean, nevermind that i also didn't know i had sex with him until i found the empty condom package, saw the used condom.  what the HELL is wrong with me??????????

i feel like something is seriously wrong with me.  i need to get help.

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
4 Responses Feb 16, 2007

As much as you love Nicky and the way he understands your pain, do you not think he is also a source of pain? Or at least someone who increases your likelihood to drink and to begin feeling suicidal? Sometimes those who seem closest to us are doing the most damage.

hey im new here but i just spent the last year in rehabe for the same thing not drinking but i just couldent get over the feeling to do it to kill my self im only 16 but i feel just like you do and yes its really hard but i promise you can get through it just try and drinking i lost my mom like that she killed her self to from drinking yeah i had no one my father cared about money and his job insted of me so yeah i had no one i wished i had only one person to talk to when i lay crying on the floor four my mom he would come in and say cariermen dont cry get over it not give me a hug say shes in a better place know no he was a complet ******* about it well sorry about the whole sobbe storry im just trying to say stay strong it will be ok i promise goob by

i wish we could lay on the floor together, cling to each other in our moments of deep darkness and pain....that's part of the reason i love and appreciate my nicky so much...because i know he understands my pain. i will think of you the next time i find myself feeling like i can't go on. i will think of you and i will reach out to you and i KNOW i will feel less alone!!! in my mind, i will wrap my body around yours and our tears will form a single puddle between us. i will love you through my pain and that'll be how i get through. thank you for sharing with me....you know there's nothing i can say to make you feel "better" or i'd be saying it to myself. for me, it helps to know that i'm not alone...maybe it can help you too!!!<br />
love, love, love

well mystic writer i could relate to alot of this story. i know better than to drink, drinking makes me want to die, i don't want to live anymore. i want my deceased grandma to come and take me... i call her all the time when i've had too much to drink and feel lost and out of control. alcohol is not my friend and it doesn't mix well with my meds. i know this, i've been told this many times by my shrink. he's even threatened to discontinue prescribing my meds for legal purposes in case i kill myself. i can't help myself, i enjoy the feeling a few drinks gives me, i just don't know how to stop at a few. my boyfriend watches me lying on the floor crying and yelling for someone to end this misery for me. i don't want to live with this mind crap anymore. because of the alcohol deminishing my meds, i spend the next 2-3 days feeling like i want to crawl in a corner and die. i don't know what to do with myself ....