Venting About My Childhood ... Here Goes Nothing!

Well i'm not really sure where to start. I have two brothers and a sister, when my brothers were 18 months old and my sister was around 2 there dad died in a car accident .. then my mom met my dad 10 years later.My dad was accused for murder, and is such a ****** up person my grampa bought my dad a hooker for his 18th birthday and watched them have sex ,my grampa told my mom for my brothers 18th birthday that that's what he was getting them and my mom said over my dead body and my mom left my dad.. she found out ****** up **** like my gradma and grampa are into orgys and take pictures of my dads old girlfriends in the tub and such ..just a bunch of **** .. anyways i was raped when i was 5 by my cousin on my dads side. and my mom fought for everything in court and she lost her house and everything for me . shes amazing.My dad would come see me pick me up with hookers be ****** up on oxys and would put the dirty hookers underwear in my bag for my mom to find he was just ******. But my mom raised me great shes such an amazing mom!!!! The last time i seen my dad was when i was 5 or 6.

In grade 3 i got my period which is crazy early for a girl to get it. Grade 6 i found out my sister was a lezbian. i didn't understand it but thats when they told me
then my brother was a crack head and would steal my stuff and sell it for crack.
we would have drug dealers come to my house all the time for my brother they would just walk in my house.. come to the door with guns. it was a lot for me to deal with . I dropped out of school in grade 10..went to rehab for coke..got out..when i was in grade 7 my friends would smoke meth around me..when i had sex in grade 10 i didn't want to do it i was pressured by friends..had a few boyfriends here and there..almost all cheated on me ..one boyfriend had another girlfriend at the same time as me..cheated on me all the time..and left me for a 19 yr old girl who had a 8 month old baby who smoked crack..another boyfriend lived with me for 2 years and wouldn't bring me out..or tell people we were dating,he was embaressed of me.

Anyways my dad came back in my life when i was 18.i decided to see him..and hes bought my love. first thing he did when we met was he bought me a cell phone.. took me shopping a few times.He wants to **** me. I've heard him say it.and the way he looks at me.i never see him but when i do he gives me money..he doesn't want me..no guy in my life wants me he never has he didn't want me when i was 5 and doesn't want me now he wants me to be a ********.. my grampa, when i first met him the first thing he said was you got your **** from your grandma. my moms sides normal and i love them SO SO MUCH!

..and yeah my other ex use to hit me i've went through it all but when i say no guy wants me..i mean no guy wants me. i have a low self esteem from everything i know i don't look like i do.. but i do .and if my dad couldn't even love me ...how could someone else? I'm so ****** up and its just like all starting to hit me now.. i want so much more for myself it just all seems so far away and i know i didn't have the worst life i know there are people out there way worse off... i am great full for everything great in my life just sometimes it feels really ******.

I haven't lived at home in 4 years and i;m so young. i feel like everybody has mommy and daddy to rely on and i don;t. i wish i could live at home. i have moved over 25 times in the last 4 years. i'm so sick of moving . i wish **** could be different. i would love to go to school but its not even an option for me . it honestly isn't. i guess i just needed to vent a little, thought i would get this off my chest and see if it helps me even a little... . i have been so stressed out lately . Uhg!!!!!!
Catherine57 Catherine57
22-25, F
Nov 29, 2012