I May Have To Accept What I Truly Might Be.

I am a bi married man and my relationship with my wife is in trouble. Over the course of our relationship I have become increasingly more feminine, both in appearance and manner, (clothing, accessories, nails, and even attitude). She says it is at the point that she can't even see me as a man any longer and she is frustrated by it. We have been going back and forth quite a bit because my bi side has finally reached a boiling point where I need to physically act on it, (which I haven’t done in years). She told me the other night that it would probably be easier for everyone and relieve most of my pent up unhappiness if I would just admit what everyone around me already knows.... that I am actually gay.

I don't want to be completely gay. I am attracted to women, and I do love my wife, but she may have a point. I haven't fantasized about a woman since I was 15. The hang-up is that I am not ordinarily attracted to the rugged masculine look of a man. I adore ****, and fantasize about it daily. However I don’t fantasize about the male body attached to it. I have issues with men touching and kissing me and have no idea if that is just because I haven’t given in to it or if it just seriously turns me off.  I know that I adore gay sex, oral, anal and even fantasize about some very hard core types of things.

I am still trying my best to sort through all this and it isn't easy at all. I think my wife might be happier as my shopping buddy rather than my spouse. At least then she would be free to fulfill her need to be with a dominant masculine manly man. I just don't know if that is the way I need to go though. It would suck to throw away a 10 year marriage and find that I still need a real relationship with a woman to be happy.

Deep down I am afraid that I know the answer and that it may only be a matter of time before my marriage is over. This really frightens the hell out of me. I don’t want to be alone any more than anyone else does, but I can’t continue to make both of us unhappy. The answers are slow in coming and I am seriously not sure what to do or what I really want or need to be happy.

Redsky0 Redsky0
46-50, T
3 Responses Feb 16, 2010

I can relate as I too have had similar feelings and I came to a point in time 5 years ago to realize that in fact I am gay. I do love intimacy with a woman although I have had my share of wonderful women who have come to understand me and they too have accepted and concluded I was gay and that I should embrace it. One issue I had was that I always had some woman be attracted to me and got along well with me so I kept dating women with up front honesty to tell them I was a bi-crossdresser and that I constantly fantasized about being with men regardless of how I was dressed. I never had the time to be single for a while so I could take time to meet and date another man or crossdresser. <br />
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I feel strongly that a person knows that inner feeling if they are gay and struggling with acceptance. I kept telling myself I was gay and I accepted it and felt so good about it and relieved about it. The coming out process is still ongoing but I stopped fighting my inner feelings and accepted that I knew I was gay and I needed to embrace it and live it... <br />
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So, I finally realized that I am only fighting myself. I am Gay, and I have just "come out". I posted a follow up to this story entitled "Acceptance".

Thanks, I appreciate that.