Acceptance; The Follow Up To: "i May Have To Accept What I Truly Might Be"

Acceptance;

The follow up to “I may have to accept what I truly might be”

After, several weeks of arguing with my wife about my bi-sexuality issues and several other relationship, family, and life issues/ stresses; things had reached a boiling point and I finally couldn't take it any longer. The stress was physically making me ill and putting a hole in my head with the cordless drill to let it out was actually starting to look like a viable option. At that point, something clicked in my mind and a realization as clear as a calm summer morning snapped into my thoughts, (a moment of perfect clarity if you will).

“I’m Gay”, that's it, just: “I’M GAY”.

I have fought it and denied it, and was afraid to accept it for so long that this was a very significant shift within my psyche.

I finally told my wife; who has known that I was gay since the day we met. She was relieved and proud that I had finally found the courage to accept it, even if she is a little worried about how things are going to play out form this point.  After 20 years of hiding, self doubt, denial, and secrets, the fear and stress have lifted like a veil being pulled away. My stress has decreased 10 fold and I have been able to get it out in the light of day. I have realized that this was about me, my struggle and my fear; that was strangling and crippling me like a lead weight wrapped around my neck.  While no one has to like what I am, at least they are aware of it now, and to be honest I simply decided that if they couldn’t handle it I just didn’t care. I need people in my life that are supportive of who I really am and like me for me. No more pretenses, no more secret double lives.

Over the course of a few days I "came out" to my wife, my parents, and several close friends. I am out! The dirty little secret is out in the light for all to see and it feels wonderful to just be me. Everyone I told was accepting; most were supportive and some were even proud that I had the courage to finally be me.  My marriage went through a bumpy patch but I realized that while I am Gay, that I also love my wife and have no desire to leave her. She loves me and has no desire to split up, so we are doing our best to make things work. She is ok with me having a boyfriend and dressing as fem as she does as long as she is still my wife and the center of my world. I couldn’t ask any more of her than that. I believe that I am very blessed that she is so understanding, accepting, and tolerant. Especially when you think about how much she is actually putting up with: sharing my affections, time, and attention with someone else. I am under no illusions; I know that it is going to be a lot of work to dispel her fears and insecurities as well as to make her feel wanted, loved, and fulfilled sexually. Losing her was always one of my biggest fears and I am confident that we can make it work.

Lastly, I will say that I have gone a little Gay nutty lately, thinking in rainbows and men for the last solid week. I needed to make things about me and my gay emergence for a while because of how profound an impact it has had on me. The problem with this is that I have been ignoring or neglecting everything else. This Gay hysteria has been difficult on my wife and has done nothing to help the other things I am dealing with at the moment that still require my attention. So now I have to refocus on the issues that haven’t gone away like making my relationship more stable.  I am learning to open up and be honest about my feelings and thoughts with my wife, so that she doesn’t feel left out of a secret life in my head. This is especially difficult because I have done just that for so many years. To my surprise she has been really great about it. I am now much more relaxed in general and even quite a bit happier, but I am still working on finding a balance for everything and that may take some time yet.  

Toni

Redsky0 Redsky0
46-50, T
Mar 5, 2010