To Hurt An Angel

Today, was a ******* day... I woke up and slept through Church. I don't show it at all, but that really bothers me. I like going to Church, and feeling like I belong in a way that is not counter-productive to the human race.

Later that day, around 2pm, I was called a Nazi by someone the entire day. I then proceeded to get cyber-bullied for a few hours. Everything about me that was bad was leaked. Pictures of me (You don't want people knowing what you look like online.), private messages sent to and from other people, my real-life address... Worst of all, my phone number.

The next few hours... I saw a glimpse of Hell. I was constantly called and cussed out by people, called a Nazi, told that I should commit suicide, sent me .pdf files of WAYS to commit suicide... But, even after all this, I have a policy: only cry when no one is watching. I went up to my room, curled up on my bed and sobbed, I mean like I was putting my entire body into it. My entire pillow and bed was soaked with tears after two hours.

And then, my skin decided to be... Whatever it is.

I basically scratched away an entire layer or skin on my back and was bleeding terribly. Sometimes I'll wake up with my hands covered in blood. I used to wear white clothes without a jacket, and I used to use white sheets instead of black ones. I'd wake up, look at my sheets, and I'd look at my hands... Blood. Everywhere.

Then, came Her. I went to Shannon's house, and being with her made me feel so much better. I smiled for the first time that entire day. She makes me feel so much better about myself, and I just feel so loved when I'm with her. She's perfect to me. She's an angel to me.

And, I killed an angel.

Not literally, she's still alive. But she has flashbacks from a childhood that is somewhat abnormal. I honestly hate being straight, I hate being a guy for that matter. If a guy is reading this, then they know that it's almost impossible to control sexual impulses. Well, I couldn't control it today, and tons and tons of **** happened. I wish that I never went to her house, that I stayed up in my room and just cried myself to sleep, or maybe lost so much blood I'd pass out.

Well, my mother came to get me from her house and I went upstairs, we stood there. Me, her, my mom, her mom, her father, and just talked a little while. I looked at her and I could have sworn she mouthed "I love you."

I hope that she did.

Well, I kinda just smiled at it since I don't know what she said exactly. I got in my car and went home. We were texting the way, and it seemed okay, but then it went sour and I knew I'd ****** up. I resent myself for who I am.

I got my haircut, and that gives me time to think. So I thought, and thought, and thought. I didn't even take a shower because I felt like I just needed to get writing this as soon as possible.

When I got done cutting my hair, I walked through my dad's office. He had just come back from hunting, so his 870 shotgun was still out and had a box of ammunition next to it. I've never looked at a gun like I looked at it then. It would have been so easy to have just blasted half of my face off and killed myself.

I mean, who the **** would miss me, right?
sonoflopez sonoflopez
13-15, M
Dec 16, 2012