...doggie paddle

So hear I am... a true EP junky... getting my fix... you don't know me, only what i choose to tell you, funny on here that seems to be a lot. I need to vent to live and here i can.... and it must be working 'cause here i am. There is a point to this... last night, all day yesterday, I had a plan. I had enough and decided it was time... time to get off the floor and get out...check out. I cried a lot, made my peace a bit and started planning. Funny how it wasn't like any time in the past, I didn't plan a bunch of good-byes or start calling ppl and writing letters, i planned to go quietly. So quietly that it became more real. No games, no frills just go, leave everything as is and go. "They can figure it out"... **** it's not like I'm gonna be on the other side going "damn I should have written down my bank account number". Nope, just leaving and no time to over think it. Seemed like a good day to do it... decided that I'd figure a way to be alone tonight... no one but me... but how? How did I want to end it... the possibilities are endless. I realized that I'm a pill kinda chick. But what kind? Would I change my mind? Have regrets? This has to work... if it doesn't things would never be the same. Can you imagine, they find you, bring you back and lock u away... then you loose u'r job, u'r family, what little bit of normalcy that you had. "Could this be a form of doubt"... hhmmm I'd just have to make it work...do it right. So I decided to start w/ alcohol... lots of it. And follow that w/ the pills... w/ enough of each i could be taking aspirin and make it work right? Maybe I should do those things but by the pool... in the pool... at the bottom, my favorite place. Just wait until i hit that point of exhaustion that my eyes close automatically and jump in. Surely I'd pass out in the water. If it's late enough no one should find me til morning... maybe just in my bathtub? OH then what about cutting... take all of the above, drinks and pills and slice myself open. I can do that... straight up the wrist. That would work...

So now I have a plan and I've made my peace and I'm trying not to cry. Why can't I cry... that means I'm sad, doubtful...I don't want to have doubt. If this is what I REALLY want why would I be sad? I know I've hit bottom, or have I? I've been functioning at work...if I bottomed out I would stay at home each day, right? Maybe I'm not ready... nnnaaawwww it's time. The madness will only continue. Maybe not today but it will happen again. Let's just do this...

So I'm driving home... in my head I'm going down the list.. I've made plans to be home alone, I'll pick up whatever I need from the store in the morning and I've got my music. Gotta have my music. So on my way home, and this is so true, I look into the rear view mirror and a hearse goes by. The coolest one I've ever seen... and I laugh... that's a sign. So then I turn on the radio and don't know the song but the word "Suicide" is in it a lot. Another sign... yes, I'm feeling peaceful now. Almost there when the phone rings... it's an old friend... one that I miss very much. We begin talking about life, my illness comes up but only to laugh about it. I end up pulling over into a parking lot so we can finish this conversation... I want to be completely attentive. We discuss getting together again... being out of state my suggestion of "tomorrow" is out. Do I mention that I'm leaving? This person would so report me... can't have that so I just keep talking, laughing, enjoying the moment. Finally we decide it won't be until December for that visit... life's too busy, things to do and such. You get the plane tickets and I'll get the hotel... Did I just make plans for my future? But I was going to die tomorrow... 07/14/07 it's even a cool number day so why did I just make plans?

This just opens another issue, I'm laughing, enjoying this conversation, our plans, etc. I have feelings of hope which means that I might not be ready. I have to be totally committed to make this work. We finish our conversation, say goodbye and the mind starts going. Do I stay? Should I go? What am I doing... maybe this is what I needed, to jump this hurdle. Did I just make it through another fall? Will I being to rise now? So may things... mind racing... I've got it.

Tonight I'm going to live... I choose life... I made it!  Or did I... 24hrs left... anything could happen... for now, I'm ok... for now, I'm here... for now... 

 ...sometimes it just takes one event, one person, one smile to change a life...

 

 

***should the title of this be "Swim Forest Swim?"  ROFL

mysplitpersonality mysplitpersonality
36-40, F
Jul 14, 2007