I get along with most everyone, and I tend to get attached to people very quickly. We'll have a good run for a while, then I push them away before they can get close enough to see how weird and stupid and insane I really am. They never believe me when I try to tell them why I can't hang out anymore. They don't have any idea who I really am.

SpiritOfTheRabbit SpiritOfTheRabbit
36-40, F
7 Responses Mar 9, 2010

^ You are very correct and very wise. I want so much to accept ALL parts of myself and have them coexist in harmony, but something in me just won't allow it. I am a work in progress.

I think we all have two sides to us - the good side that we show to other people, and the bad side that we hide. The trick is, nobody is just one thing - all of us are both sides. You label the sweet and cheery side as a mask, and the dark side as your true self - but they're both you.<br />
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We perceive ourselves to be what we perceive ourselves to be. You speak very eloquently about how terrible you are, and as you say the words over and over again you start to believe it, until it becomes your self-perception.

^ I appreciate that, but I'm afraid I disagree. <br />
Now I don't have any harmful or murderous intentions or anything like that, but I just have a very dark side. Sad, repressed, angry, neurotic, etc. I'm pretty raw and red beneath my pale surface, and anyone who gets too close is usually shocked and terrified when that side of me surfaces, because when people first get to know me I am sweet and cheery and they just have no idea what lies beneath. When I push people away, it really is for their own protection, and also to preserve their nice sweet image of me.

I seriously doubt that you have repulsive traits in you Alana.

They always do abandon me. It's not something my mind just made up- it's a defense mechanism i have developed BECAUSE of the way others have treated me.

You find reasons to abandon people because you're afraid they're going to abandon you.

I can't imagine what they would see. The only things below the surface are dark, repulsive things.