Mirror Mirror On the Wall, Where Am I?

Some days I look into the Mirror and I am not there?

I search for my dreams but they too have fled??

The cupboard is bare, How can it be that empty hurts so bad?

***I have embedded several  videos which seems ta go with this pretty well, For those of you who arent aware of how to use this feature double click on the story group heading, go to the left header list click into Pictures and videos and then double click on the picture to hear and watch the videos.**** The last one is kinda the update :

I come back to this because in many ways it is the most revealing of the stories I have written here. There are many things I yet love about life, but without that special one to share them with, is it really worth continuing?  I cannot reclaim what I have lost, but still hope springs forth in it's annoying way.

And there is on my mirror, a gift from a friend who knows me all too well. It says simply," Don't quit before the miracle happens!" I am not unable to find women, there is a surfeit actually, it is finding one who makes my blood boil  and wakes my hungers and makes me...feel ? yes that is it.

Without someone to share it all with . I am, but a voyeur, not a role I relish .

Darkness comes, but sleep flees me as I am besieged by the furies of things undone, done by me and to me as well............... There was a time when to bed and bliss was available on occasion if not by custom, but now, I sit and wait for darkness to flee before the early light of dawn before at long last those damned pills will work at all.

How do they know I wonder? Peace eludes me often , yet for all my dissatisfaction .                           Tis night for true thats mine.. The world is quieter , cooler and her ugly day face is all sprinkled  with stars and made up with soft moonlight. The chaos and clatter of days machinations are stilled by the great calming and healing hand of darkness. She cools the weary earths brow, sighing healing whispers to the great trees and moaning as she passes over this tortured land. bringing much needed moisture and blowing the harsh dust from my old giant friends causing them to sway and groan their pleasure at her healing touch.

My favorite time is walking under the great tall pines in the mountains..air crisp , trees moaning and sighing as the wind moves among them whispering the days secrets in ears old before my grandfathers time. Sharing it with a good dog or horse is all the more magical, but I want more. . .

The warmth of wool and the slight sound of leather working comfort me as my breath becomes a faint haze in the chill air as I wander through the forest. I am at home here as in no city,, anywhere on this earth. But I am alone here and I hunger for a comforter a helpmate.

Have my sins been so great, Creatator? Am I finally berift of chances, opportunities? Is this then my meloncolly punishment? To walk alone in all this beauty, unable to share it, to quench my fire.

I have passed nights walking in the fog in such diverse places as Old Jacks stomping grounds and the Bay area over here, Even in the shadows of that place. There are muted sounds echoing over cobblestones and off stone an brick walls. These are not the sounds that comfort such as I,  Cities are nae my keen .

I walk among them, but I am not of them.. Cities make me melancholy when the parties over and the whiskey and the flash of the faire wenches roar through me . But I am not at rest here .. Am I not amongst my own kind?  Nae , Not I think .. Palidans are a breed apart I fear. .That has been worrisome to me for so long. But as I near the end of this adventure, I begin to realize that I've never been . Tis lonely sometimes and only fleeting encounters serve to feed a hunger I've almost come ta resent..

Creatures such as I were never meant ta survive this long.. Isn't right, really...... My time long past , my love long cold, in the ground.... I ache , I hunger, I hurt .. But still it goes on?? 

Whispers in the wind, of old songs, memories torture me and yet still it goes on an on ....

Can there not be one more battle then so that I may go as I have lived? A challenge with a prize worthy of waking my flagging interest in this precious Adventure you have served up to me. Tell me true, Don't I deserve better?

Time is finite as is my patience, my hunger must be appeased,

Let this be my prayer then to the secret God, creatator of all. Take me, use me, let me go out in a flash ,let me go forth once more into that place where Life and Death meet to determine our fates and your will. To live or Die tis all the same if I must become this wretched wanderer, doomed to see the feast but sup not.

 Barring that let me go free to take flight and watch the early dawns waking once more and spiral down into the mountains I have loved . . .

Tomorrow I'll rise and don the Jesters face, laughter poured around, will warm me for a time and fleeting beauty still makes me smile .....  drugs, pain, madness is this what I've become??????

Or like the Phoenix can I rise yet again? Great wings scattering ashes in the wind, Who would fly with me ? Who would be my friend?  Great Lord grant my boone or slay me, I pray thee...

To be cont. ...  finis pendeum I can't seem to find a consise owner operator manuel for this ole life?

Wouldn't that be grand, See index under lost loves. Go to page 501 and Find personalized list of matches for ya!

Ha. . . .  I am a fool . . U-2's With or Without you is what i'm listening to. And now , beauty an The beast. . . How apropo .. . .  Where is my beauty???  It fits so well really.

****Let this be my prayer then to the secret God, creatator of all. Take me, use me, let me go out in a flash ,let me go forth once more into that place where Life and Death meet to determine our fates and your will. To live or Die tis all the same if I must become this wretched wanderer, doomed to see the feast but sup not.

Never underestimate the power of feverant prayer,

Tis it answered? Tis it real? Light comes into my darkness, warmth into the place of winters lonliness. Dare I hope? Can I rise to the challenge? We shall see. . .  Seems it may indeed be that it is, never too late. To be continued...

Well , I don't regret a minute of it. She's a wonderful creature of magic and light.

It appears I'm a lil out a practice, Getting throwed was a bit of a suprise, maybe the slide inta that corral post knocked me a lil loopy though. Kinda reminds me of the Time my ole uncle Dark knight tried the sword swollowing stuff. It was a thing a beauty til he tried it after eatin fried chicken and dropped the sword. If ya get the point. Lol  The end is a lil hard ta swollow...

Mountainman923518 Mountainman923518
56-60, M
27 Responses May 15, 2007

so beautiful, so sad yet too

A good shot of Jameson's Irish Whiskey is much better for you Dear wee Brute and we have room to spare curled up against the ole Dragon who is warm as can be. Do slip under the covers and warm up with us, snuggling can be a team sport ya know. <br />
Dragon nudges Brute towards the Blanket and smiling faces. <br />
Warm Fuzzies abound in Mountain Lair. Whiskey, Women, snugglin, Dragons fire ...<br />
Life can be good on occasion ...<br />
MSP reaches across MNM and grabs Brutes ankle pulling her in with a giggle.<br />
ah-h-h-h-h *grins* *Gigggles* *slurps* <br />
Slurps? Ok, Who got slurped? *more giggles* <br />
nite all...<br />
Dx ;-)

All Right!<br />
<br />
Can I make one request...I need an electric blanket tonight...I am chilled to the bone.<br />
<br />
*brut makes sad face and hangs her head...*<br />
<br />
Maybe a Nyquil in shining armor...could you throw that in too, please?

Thine Dragon sweeps MSP up with one swipe of his tail and sends her flying into MnM's arms.Brute giggles and order is restored. Well somewhat any way. Time for a Dragon ride, come on Brute the more the merrier. Theres laughter and fun for all!

You'll never catch me... *skipping away* la la lalala...

Wheew, One in the rear an one in the front? With the Tasty one inna middle? Hey, I don't think you should burden that poor horse like that, Dragon ride anyone? <br />
Will there be film at 11?

OK...half and half. Can we all three get on the horse...she might need one in the rear and one in the front for support...and we might need a few dogs as well...for companionship.

No, Brute, Lets be fair about this, It is "Split" afterall ... heheheh we'll each take one arm and one leg and work it out, May then well throw her silly cuter lil *** on the horse.heheheheh **No slurpin til she squeels once...

alright, you get the legs and I'll get the arms....

Shure she can Brute, she just needs confidence. <br />
Climb back up and ride again , til ya get it right , it's like life that way. Gimme a hand Brute lets toss her cute *** back on Lol<br />
Now thats what I'm talkin about! Swats MSP on the fanny, Lol <br />
Looks at Brute winks an swats horse on *** too and as it begins to buck they laugh as MSP hangs on triumpantly....Cute lil red curls and other nice stuff bouncing prettily. .. It's all about motivation Baby, Ya want it bad enough, Ya hang on tighter.... ;-)

uh oh...it isn't over yet, is it? it just started...<br />
<br />
Split, I hate it when you are sad...please don't be very sad because I am sure it will make your man and I sad...<br />
I think you can ride as high and as long as you like.

Guess this cowgirl is jumpin' off the horse... or did I fall

This was a great re-read. You have such an ancient hope filled heart, gentle man. <br />
<br />
But, your adventure is just begining, is it not?<br />
<br />
Hugz an fuzzy droolz ta ya!

An sometimes ya just need to cowgirl up and sing "******* them all!" at the top of your voice. If the prize is worth the race.

Sometimes change is a slow process... one day at a time is all we can offer and hope that it is enough to keep the love alive...

She's a delight, anything and everything a man could want, but there are bombs in the baggage...<br />
It will be a long carefull process at best I think. But I Love her. ;-) That part is extrordinary...<br />
Thanx for the interest ..<br />
May you all find the "x" on your treasure map.

We want an update! How goes it, my friend?

Someone remarkable this way comes, I cannot put to words the sunshine she brings with her, Tis absolutley scarey,<br />
There are a million reasons why it shouldnt be, yet there are many overpowering reasons to dare. ......<br />
I wonder, am I brave enough? I want to be. . . .<br />
more later. . .

ah-h-h-h-h Old souls wandering and Living cannot compare with Angels, I recognize the truth herein, but even so the challenge isnt remembering that she was flesh and blood with all the attendant little faults that aknowledges. But, I loved her so, faults and all. <br />
I am not looking for a replacement. It would be futile and cruel. I seek a warm, companion, of wit and flesh. To carefor, protect, share with. Sit before a fire, reading to each other or saying nothing if mood suits. <br />
Recently a very close friend reached out took my face in her hands and told me that if indeed there was a hell. Then I had surley sentanced her to it, For looking down on my pain must be a damnation to her. It struck me so hard I was unable to speak. As a young man my father told me that 6truth had a ring to it , like a perfect bell. This resonated in my heart. This was simply a wound, terrible without a duubt and i shall never let her go nor do i think I have to now. I simply have to crawl up from the ashes, shake my ole wings out and begin the process of rising form the ashes. Some days i do a lot better that others, sometimes, I have to look real hard to see the beauty in the situation. But day by day, I grow, I learn, I hunger. . . life goes on. <br />
Thak you all who have been so kind.<br />
Dx

I know, gentle sir, that ache for the one, the only one. And all of those other fish in the sea...well...they just aren't enough. It is a curse and a blessing at the same time to have such a clear vision of what you want, and to know that a compromise isn't an option; there is only one that will do, if you want to be that happy passionate. I don't want to settle either. I guess I just think about my friends in my head; they never let me down.<br />
I empathize with you, old soul wandering....

This was beautiful and I will read it again and again. Your words draw me in and I only wish you peace. ~MSP

You have the ability to write so beautifully.

Mountain ,I have my husbands pictures all over even in my vehicles. I find comfort in seeing that great face. I can smile and even talk to him. I don't think or want that ever to change. I love him and always will, and yes sometimes I cry to a song or just something I see we liked or did, and you know thats OK. I allow myself to feel sad, but always knowing I had the best , but now it is time to turn the page and go on to a new chapter in my life.It will never be the same but it can be good. Laying down and giving into my sorry is no longer an option. Look inward and find yourself and see that you have alot to look forward to yet in life.Good Luck my friend

Troubled souls can also find moments of fun, wonder and peace.<br />
<br />
R

I beleive i mentioned that i have female friends, but tis nae the same. Actually I am so grateful we had what we had at all. I just can't seem to make that special connection with another??? I tried just finding a nice gal and going through the motions and it was a disaster I felt really bad because I knew in my heart it wasn't going ta be the same. But I really miss that companionship as well. I've never been a quiter and god knows i'd love to have even a 'quiet' relationship to go down the road with. I have seen all too much death up close even of others real close to me. But this just took all the wind out of my sails. <br />
I bury it most of the time, and i would love to let it go!<br />
But I can't seem to shake it. It isn't always a bad thing. I see stuff that brings back such great memories as well. Me wee Psyc sent me ta one of those Loss groups for a time. I know in the thinking part of me that this isn't a healthy grieving, but I can't let er go. . . <br />
I am so glad for ya grams I was able ta do that with the loss of parents and grandparents so i know how it is supposed to work. I have put her pictures awayetc. But sometimes it just comes on me. So "I vented as ya politically correct folks say. " I apreciate all of your ladies input and I really do hope i'll find someone different and tolerant enough ta put up with a beat up ole critter like me. It would be grand!<br />
Hugs ta all of yaz!<br />
Dx

When my husband died over two years ago, I would look into the mirror and see a shell of a person who was void of feeling or even the ability to care about tomorrow. It took a long time and with a little help from a friend, to realize that altho I lose the love of my life at least I had it. So many live their whole life and never come close to what I had. Slowly I began to come back from the land of the dead in spirit in soul, now as I look into the mirror I see an ole familiar friend who I have missed, some one ready to love and be loved again. I'm still alone but some how never alone, I'm good company and there is always the hope of tomorrow and the antisapation of new love.

yes, why does empty hurt so bad?