Blue Dove

my grandma always told me if it hurts it is not love.
well it hurt alright. my soul ached with pain for this man, no child, that would abuse me mentally and physically. would take sex when i wasn't willing. not that i considered this much at the time because he was afterall my boyfriend but i think differently of it now. and he would cheat and cheat over and over.  he took not only my virginity but he took another girl virginity wile with me.
well about two years into our relationship i was about to leave him. but i was young and wasn't entirely sure, and he felt that i was just about done with him.
so he purposly got me pregnant at a young age of sixteen. and i was terrified to tell my parents so i waited a couple months to tell them.
finally i broke down and told my mom over the phone while my dad was out of town.
they didn't handle as well as they could have. in fact they handled it miserably. they wanted me to get and abortion or send me to a teen pregnancy home where my ex would have a restraining order so he wouldn't be able to see me or the baby.  they would press charges because he was over 18. and i was young so i believed every little word.
now i don't think they really would have done anything but help me.
during this time my ex was not comforting me but telling me i was a piece of **** and was going to be a dead beat mother that i discusted him.
well at such a young age i was devistated in every aspect. i wanted my child to have a wonderful life and i was lost. i myself was still a child.
i didn't know what to do. so all i  did was cry and my soul ached and ached for this life growing inside of me that i loved so much already.
well i woke up the next day and i was spotting so i immediately called my mom and she told me to get ready that we were going to the hospital. we waited three hours i got an ultr sound and the doctor very rudely told me i'd lost the baby. he was so rude that i waited until he left the room to start cying. and my mom held me. this was the night of september 16 and my birthday is september 17. i was horrible pain on my birthday. my baby was literally falling out of me and i had to run to the bathroom. and finally after a few trips to the restroom the embryo came out. it was a very sad sight that i will never ever forget because it is forged into my mind. and i sat with my face on the toilet just staring at it. my baby.
the next three months i was numb and i would cut to feel anything. i  to this day i have the scars and it constantly reminds me of that time.
but i came out of numbness to sadness to anger and i finally reached a stage of acceptance.
a blue dove represents some sort of sorrow but at the same time so sort of good.
my baby was my blue dove it was a horrible experience but it wasn't time for her yet. i know in my heart that my baby will come back to me one day and i will give her the life she deserves. it will be beautiful and full of love. and it will be with the right man.

shootingstarfire shootingstarfire
Jul 27, 2010