First Things First.

This is going to be like an online diary for me.

First things first, who am I?
Hmm..that's actually a tough question.
Well, I'll do the boring usual introduction I guess, I'm a 20 year old girl from New Zealand, have a mediocre job in hospitality, not necessarily satisfying, but its money. I live with my parents, do all the chores around the house and have pretty much bought myself up since I was about 8. My parents are both hard working people, so I'm not mad that I did everything on my own, sorting out schooling for myself and doing what I had to. I love them, we've had our troubles over the years, but they're who they are and I am who I am, **** happens right?

I suffer from depression and I don't feel comfortable with sharing how I feel with anyone I actually know personally. So, this will have to do.

I've kept a diary since I was around 8, but sometimes I wished someone would find it, open it and read it, then help me with the way I was feeling. Tell me everything was going to be okay and that I had nothing to fear.

Never happened obviously, because it's a diary of course.

I'm not really sure why I feel the way I do sometimes, I pretend that I'm harder and stronger than I am. I push people away when they start to get too close to me and I question their motives when they try so hard to get to know me. I feel like I don't deserve the things people say about me. I've been told by friends that I'm amazing, and that they're so happy to have met me. I say "thanks" but I never truly believe what they say, because to me, I'm the lucky one to have met them.

I try my hardest everyday to be the best person I can be, I try to be the kindest person you will meet but sometimes people see that kindness and take it as a weakness. And sometimes it is. I've let people walk all over me and not given a **** because it's me, but the second they hurt someone close to me I can tear them down in a moment.
I don't care about myself enough. I see the way I act around people, and if I was someone looking in and watching me as a third person I would say I was weak, painfully shy, and be disappointed in the person that I am.

I let myself get into situations, and a rebellious part of me is telling me to be strong, kick *** and say how you really feel, but then I quash those thoughts and let the weaker side of me win. I let people walk all over me, just bow my head and say sorry, like its my fault, no matter what the situation may be.

I feel ridiculous most days, hate the person I'm letting myself to be and wishing I could just be the person I want to be. Then I see the way people may react to the stronger part of me and I see them walking away from me. I'm scared of them leaving me, but I hate the person I am when I'm with them. Which is why I feel ridiculous.

I can't explain my thoughts clearly most of the time, I have a million and one thoughts going through my mind at any one time and I cant sort them.

No one really gets me, except for one person in this world, that I've lost contact with. But that's for another story.

Its a tough world, I'm lucky for all I have but I have worked for it, so I shouldn't really complain.
SomeGenericUsername SomeGenericUsername
18-21, F
May 7, 2012