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Best Friends

I guess this entry is about two special people in my life, both of which I haven't seen in so long :(

My very first friend was this other girl named Jessica.  We met because her mom saved me from being mauled by my dad's dogs (yeah, my dad was abusive not only to us but to our dogs too).  She was another shy girl that I hung out with almost all the time.  We were inseparable, and it hurt so much when my mom decided to move us to live with her new boyfriend (who later ended up being another evil abusive father figure).  I was 8 but I still remember crying so bad.

I didn't really have another good friend until years later in middle school.  He was like me, an outcast and game geek, and we quickly became very close.  I would ride my bike over his place probably at least 5 times a week.  We did everything together, and it really helped me to have someone like that to get through the terrible home life.  I felt accepted and welcome by his family and I didn't feel like I would be abused and judged.  Then my mom moved us, again, when I was 16.  I was pretty sad... again moving away from everything I knew.  The new place was only for 2 years while I finished high school.  We did keep in touch, online and on the phone though.  He had moved as well, because of stuff going on on his side too.

When I graduated and went to college, I managed to make friends but nothing really in the same way.  Then I find out that he's going to be living in the same city :D  And again, we spent a lot of time hanging out and having just regular fun.

Everything was going ok... until I had a bunch of nervous breakdowns and depression.  I went to a mental hospital against my will because they thought I was going to kill myself.  And because of all the stress, our friendship snapped, and though I desperately tried to put together the pieces, I could never get that back again.  We still talk somewhat, kind of rarely now, but I'm afraid it won't be the same.

Maybe if I get the chance to live nearby him again I might be able to reach out.  But for the past 4 years I've felt this whole in my heart.  I really want that kind of friendship again, but I'm always so alone.  I cry a lot because I feel like now that I'm adult I'm not allowed to have those kinds of friendships, everyone moves away and I just end up being more and more alone.  It wasn't a complex friendship, but it was a deep one, where you really aren't just an acquaintance.

There's this kind of social bond you create with someone, and you share everything, have your own in things, and you really know the other person and they know you, and you hang out like all the time, can talk about anything, cry on their shoulders, etc.  I miss that so much, that social connection.

Now, I can't even get people to hang out with me more than once a month, if I'm lucky.  I want that connection back in my life, but what do you do?  I try to meet people all the time, but the most they usually want is a casual friend who they can say hi to every few weeks or months or so...

Writing about all this made me more depressed than when I started... opening up thoughts and feelings I try to mainly direct towards my poetry... but at least it's out there now.

RaineyEyedGirl RaineyEyedGirl 31-35, T 1 Response Aug 30, 2009

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Wow, yu have been through so much in yur life, mentally and physically. And moving all the time didn't help either. But, hey you survived all that and it may sound easier said than done(i can only begin to imagine what u feel), but it's in the past. You can have a fresh start.. Everyday!! Their are friends that will stay w/ u more than a mth. I hope that you realize that you have to LOVE yourself first b-4 anyone else can. And, love isn't love until u give it away. You seem to b a very articulate individual with a good heart. Put GOD first in your life: make him the center of yur universe and everything else will fall into place. I promise, and most importantly he promises. Everything always works out the way it supposed to, and it will-just let it. I am sorry about your friends and I hope u have some sort of commmunication w/ them soon. HAVE FAITH!!! You are a strong person!!! Good Luck and Gods speed!!!