Is This the Rest of My Life?

My husband and I are in a loveless marriage.  We haven't had sexual intimacy since our son's conception, nor emotional intimacy since I don't remember when.  As far as physical expressions of love - it's been abandoned by my husband and I've made my futile attempts which are met with his irritation in pushing or slapping my hands away.

Don't get me wrong - I don't even remember the last time I tried to touch my husband, but my longings I think are modest - being a loving stroke on the back or taking his hand.

"Can I touch you?" I'd ask.  "Busy," he'd say.  "When will you not be busy?" I'd ask.  "When I'm dead," he'd reply and I'd be lost if it's a joke or if it's a truth.  "Do you find me unattractive?  Is that why you have a stash of ****?" I'd ask.  "I just don't like to touch or be touched," he'd answer.  "Just once in awhile, something as simple as holding my hand," I'd cry.  "I can't change the way I am.  I don't like to touch or be touched," he'd say.  "I can't change the way I am - so tell me what to do with myself?" I'd reply.  "I don't know," he'd answer.  "Do you love me?" I'd ask.  "You should already know the answer.  I'm tired of talking about this," he'd finish.  Even the pathetic attempts I'd make to slip my arm around him while we slept - he would wake angrily and say that he was tired and it was too hot.  I'd lie awake in bed, humiliated and hurt and soon I'd be too upset to lay beside him.  I'd lie on the couch watching reruns or lie on the floor of my son's room, watching him till I fell asleep.

I see couples exchanging kisses and hugs "hello" and "goodbye".  I melt when I glimpse lovers sneaking a kiss on the neck or a loving hand rubbing the small of the back.  I get awestruck when I see an old couple holding hands.

I realize that my husband's never danced with me, kissed my neck, or even lounged with me on the couch.  I'm crushed by the thought that I will never be touched again for as long as I'm in this relationship.  It's so pathetic that I miss the feeling of someone holding me.


weepingwillow weepingwillow
26-30, F
1 Response Jun 24, 2007

How can this be the only comment so far.
I feel your longing, but I wonder what happened in the interwinning years.
I hope you tell us!