Where Did He Go?For nearly 20 years, God was the most important part of my life. I taught Sunday School, led worship, and shared with many people that God was real and He loved us. I used to feel His presence, like He was really with me, and that was a big part of why I felt loved. Sometimes, I asked questions and felt like I "heard" an answer, and that was a peaceful thing.
Four years ago, it all changed. Suddenly, inexplicably, I felt alone. I heard nothing.
I heard a sermon once that compared feeling far from God with being lost in the woods. If you're lost, you stop moving, and start to cry out. Your Father will come find you right where you are. I had already been crying out to God, but after hearing that, I did so all the more fervently. I repented of anything I could think of, including many things that aren't even sin. I read the bible all the time. I kept going to church, even though I felt isolated, different from everybody else, and an observer on the outside looking in. I continually asked for prayer. I did everything my Christian friends suggested, even going as far as having them try to cast demons out of me.
While I was trying so hard to make some contact with God, my other friends were thriving without me. They weren't struggling at all. They were excited about God, full of joy and peace, and not sure why I wasn't the same way. They wanted to help, but couldn't.
Then one day, I went to my church sanctuary on a week night when it was deserted, dark, and empty. I sat there, in the dark, and had an honest talk with God. I told Him that I wasn't sure that I believed in Him, and that I thought it was time to say goodbye. My heart was broken and still is. I've tried going to several other churches, but it still feels the same, and I grieve the person I used to be, and the person I am now.