I Dont Believe In God But I Miss Him.I grew up with great faith. I really loved and believed in Him. In high school i went through a traumatic experience where i almost died but i loved God so much i didnt even mind the idea of me passing so young because i had such great faith in Him. Now, I cant make myself believe in God anymore. Every day, for the past two years i have grown farther and farther away because he doesn't make logical sense to me. Now, when i look, everything in Christianity seems contrived by our human nature. I dont feel God in church unless i fake it. I dont believe in the bible anymore for the same reasons - it all seems contrived.
Who am i to judge whether there is a god? I still go to church most Sundays; other than my loss of faith, i feel the same. I have always felt nothing but what i have tried to make myself feel. I have never felt His presence - just hoped. I dont want to turn my back on God but i dont know how i can continue, except without faith. Then i ask myself, why would God send me out blind? The depth of my being longs to be in communion with the God i grew up with, but i cant let myself jump back in... Growing up, the reason i loved the christian church was because it was the light. God's word was the truth among the darkness. I believed not only because i grew up with it, but because logic descended from it. Isn't that what God is, truth? Logic was founded in The Truth that is Him. What do i do now that i dont see God as truth?
Im rambling but this is how i think. I dont mean to be long-winded. I'm just lost :-/