Ralationships Take Maturity....wish I Had Some When It Counted.

I was in a long term relationship, almost 9 years(19-28), which ended about 4 years ago. That loss was crushing and it took an entire year to get over it, despite the fact that I started dating a girl a month later whom I continued with off and on for about a year. Since then I've dated 4 or 5 different girls depending on the definition of "date" and even dated one that I thought had great potential, thought she was special but all to no avail. Periodically I think back on the long term one and ponder what went wrong. Was it me, was it her, was there anything that I could have done to stop it from ending or was it just the way it had to be? I realize how stupid and immature I was, we both were. The heart break I felt, the loneliness, the loss of self confidence and all the time I've spent thinking of that and the others that didn't work out has shifted my understanding of relationships and of myself, caused me to become more mature, more proactive in changing what I perceive to be shortcomings and personality flaws. I never abused anyone, physically or otherwise, I never cheated, I'm not a criminal,  I'm not a drug addict or alcoholic and I've always had a job and supported myself, but none of that really mattered to them. My ****** up personality is what killed it. I am blunt and straight forward, I'm opinionated and judgmental, I'm cynical and pessimistic and apparently nobody that I've dated can deal with those aspects of my personality for very long. These are the things that I've tried to fix, tried my hardest to work on and correct but without very much success. I try to keep my mouth shut, I try to keep my opinions to myself, I try not to judge others and to give people the benefit of the doubt, try not to assume that when others disagree with me they're simply foolish idiots, perhaps they just have a different perspective. I may simply have to come to the conclusion that this is who I am, whom I've always been, I feel like an impostor when I humor peoples' stupidity and lack of common sense, I feel a little uneasy inside when trying my hardest to be patient with the general public. I have however become much much more understanding of the differences between how I treat people in general and how I treat somebody I like or care about, when I have some one in my life that I care for I don't have to try to be patient or understanding with them, it just comes naturally. I hoped this meant that I might be ready for something real again, being in a relationship and having love in my life is something that I long for, having some one to share my life with, have a family with, wake up to and come home to is what I really want. Here's the bad part, the thing that keeps me awake at night and consumes my thoughts on a regular basis, I fear it's too late, I feel like I had my chance for all of that and I ****** it up. I didn't have the maturity or experience to appreciate what I had until it was gone and now that I do I can't find what I'm looking for, I stopped looking in fact, because I feel like it's futile. I'm not the best looking guy around and I don't make very much money in comparison to many other men my age so I need to have something else to bring to the table, unfortunately I still fall short. I know logically that there is still plenty of time to come across that thing that I want most, I just simply don't believe it will happen, too little too late.

ike1 ike1
31-35, M
1 Response Mar 9, 2010

OMG!!!Listen to yourself...come on! I understand loads of things you say though...Loads and loads of people gets on my nerves...and the higher the status and the more power they have more passionate I get about it.But I learnt to let go, I just think, whatever, I love my live, I love myself and that's the way it goes. I life MY LIFE, I am not gonna be looking for something that, if it has to happen it will happen...it always does. Let go...learn to laugh at the inability and stupidity of others witgh people that knows you and you trust.My brother is great at it. We always think that if we are intelligent enough to perceive other stupidity we also need to be intelligent enough not to let it affect us.<br />
If you are so critical on other people you may be able to see what you can still do to improve yourself, to do what YOU WANT TO DO. Don't wait to have a girlfriend to do....anything!!!Just go for it!<br />
And at the end of the day money is important as long as you don't have to worry about it.<br />
Stop looking around you and focus on yourself.