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Sticks and Stones Can Break Your Bones, But Words Can Kill Your Soul....

love is a dangerous word...it scares me and degrades its meaning by its ubiquitous nature, so as such I will not use it...rather I will say "joy"....

I worry these days about crossing the line between, "joy" and obsession. I don't really know where it is drawn. I have often felt left behind and cast on the rocky shores of experience and virtue. I tried and tried and tried to merely find a group of friends...let alone a girlfriend, and I accomplished this goal to my immense elation...It really is wonderful. In this group there is a girl I....thought I had feelings for.....maybe, but nothing worth acting apon, lest it risk the solidity of my new group. Things moved on, and eventually I invited a few of them to a holiday house of mine. It was quite enjoyable...but there something happened...something I did not expect. I began having stronger feelings for this girl. I began desperatly trying to express it, by stroking her arm, hugging her more often, and just generally being in contact with her than I was with my other friends, most of whom are girls. She didn't flinch...but didn't respond much either...until the second last night there...all the beds are quite close together, touching sides, and her bed was conveniently right next to mine... entirely bereft of any premeditated design on my part whats more...what wonderful serendipity. That night I could not sleep, for I felt a tad despondant about possibly feeling "joy" around one who does not feel "joy" around me....until I realized that she was not sleeping either. Being the host, I asked her if she was having trouble sleeping. She mumbled something incoherent and she turned over....her arm touching mine.....with conscious intention, I believed. I took my chance! It was more of an impluse than percipient reactionary intent, but before I realized it my hand was holding hers......and....hers mine.....for about two hours our hands were nestled within each other....a slight finger rub here, a thum stroke there... my pulse was racing....and I could feel hers was too. No force spawned from earth or the pits of hell could have separated me from her. we had one of the most in depth conversations I have ever experienced without so much as moving our lips....my hand on hers was the medium and the motions thereof my words. Eventually she squeezed mine as if to say, good night...I did the same....and we slept. The next morning...for....reasons beyond my control, we did not act any differently....to save the heart of one other who has feelings for me. We didn't look at each other very often either....but on the trip back....my parents were driving, and I ensured that three of the six were in one car, and the other three in the other. I also ensured that my wellspring of joy, would be in the car along with me. I stroked her back....once more she did not respond....I did this for about an hour....I then grabbed her shoulder....and put my arm around her neck, now stroking her arm...she moved closer, and evidently recognized and adhered to the extent of my will as it was implied.....never have I felt such acceptance...or solace in contact with another. We parted ways once we returned home. It is now the day after....it is also new years. I invited some of this beautiful group of friends I have over to celebrate. I organized the food and such and another did the invitations. I heard who was coming....and heard that dearest Andrea was not. This is the name of the once who brings me such joy. I don't know how I can get through this night without her. I cannot believe I am so dependent on another human either...it is blasphemy in my intrinsic doctrines of existential protocol...sheer madness....but yet it is there. I don't even know her all that well...but I miss her so much.....what pain.
forlornhope forlornhope 16-17, M 5 Responses Dec 31, 2007

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I realixe that you wrote this a wile ago and normaly I would not comment on a story so old but I have to. Your writeing is so intreaging, as I read this story I found my slef reading aloud, I found myself wanting to know more. I loved this story I loved your words. Thank you very much for shareing

You write like an old soul no offense intended at all.

Uniquely introspective story. Defines angst very well. Kudo's

MnM

this uhh, well this is true. But easier said than done mon ami ;) I appreciate the comments tho :)

woah

potentially telling her how you feel could be a good and promising start

this is really sweet.