Missing Him Everyday

He is the first thing on my mind when my eyes open in the morning and the last thing on my mind when I close them again at night. It will be a year next month since we broke up and I haven't begun to move on. We were together eight years and we now have 2 kids together, a beautiful six year old girl and a 3 week old baby boy. I won't ever forget that crazy morning a year ago when we said our final goodbyes. What started out as one of our usual arguments ended with me telling him to pack up his things & get out. He didn't hesitate. Later, he kept calling & txting me apologizing, but I didn't bother to respond. I wanted him to suffer, to think about all of the horrible things he said to me. Two days went by and although I was already missing him like crazy, his calls and txt messages continued to go unanswered until on the third day, they stopped. He didn't call or text me and I fought the urge to call him. I imagined that he was at his house (he had his own place, but lived at my place), crying his eyes out in a pack of Icehouse, missing me just as much as I was missing him. Finally, a week went by and with my daughter wanting him to come back home just as much as I did, I called him. I imagined that he would be ecstatic to hear my voice, but he wasn't. He didn't seem the least bit interested in what I had to say. I told him that I loved and missed him and that he could come back home and much to my surprise and horror, he wasn't ready to come back. In fact, he told me that it was over and to just let "us" go. At first, I thought he was playing a game to get back at me, but when the phone line went dead between us, somehow I knew that he was serious.

So a few days went by and pretty soon a week and then a month with me calling him every hour crying my eyes out begging him to forgive me and come back home. Thats when he told me that he was seeing someone else! I felt my heart shatter into a billion pieces. My body felt like cold rubber. I just couldn't believe it. How could he undo eight years in a week??? I continued to call him and beg him to atleast talk to me face to face and he did come over one night, but we didn't talk. We ended up sleeping together and afterwards I was so happy! I just knew that we were back together, but when I rolled over to cuddle with him, he climbed out of bed, got dressed, and left. I felt my whole world fall apart at that very moment, but just when I thought all hope was lost, a few weeks later I discovered that I was pregnant. I was thrilled. I knew that a new baby was what we needed to bring us back together again. When I told him the news, I couldn't believe it when he said he would be a father to his child, but that was it. I knew then that it was truly over.

Well, I now have a beautiful baby boy and athough he was there with me through the labor, after I was released from the hospital, he went back to his girlfriend and I am now a single 32 year old mother of 3 (I already had a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship when I met him). I am so lonely and hearbroken. I spend most of my day crying and wishing that morning a year ago never happened. I can't stop thinking "what if". What if I never threw him out. I want my family back so bad. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do anything, but think about him. He is still a great father. He loves all 3 of my children very much. When he comes over to see them, I have to go into the bathroom several times to cry. I am a mess. Sorry this story is so long, but I am waiting for my healing. I am so tired of feeling like this. Its been a year and I still can't accept, more like I refuse to accept the fact that its over. His new girlfriend is 25 years old and attractive by the way which only make matters so much worst. She also has 3 kids from old relationhips. I just want to be over him and feel normal again. Please help.
icecream0407 icecream0407
31-35, F
Jan 21, 2013