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I Miss Him So Much

My husband and I are going through a divorce right now, but I miss him so much.  I smell him in our home, in our room, everywhere.  When I saw him the other day all I wanted to do was cry, but crying does not help.  Im trying to move on because it looks like he has also, but when you love someone so much how do you just move on?  He told me that once reality sets in I will be able to move on also...reality has hit me, but I still have not been able to get over him.  He is my kryptonite...even now if he walked in the door and told me he loved me I would sell my soul to be back with him.  I know that isnt healthy, but I love him.  I miss him so much sometimes it is hard to breath.  He says he loves me, loved me, is still inlove with me...if this is true then why not come back to me?  I wish I can be as strong.  I sometimes think maybe the pain wouldnt be this bad if I was the one who initiated the divorce?  I do not know, but I do know that I miss him, I still love him, and I want him back so much!  I have been praying like crazy...asking God to help him because he is lost as am I, when he and I got married it was  always us against the world until we moved to the same state as his family...Im so confused...how do you go from loving someone so much to completely cutting them out of your life?  I wish I could be just as cold as him.  I love my kids and everytime I look at them I see him.  It hurts...it feels like this is slowly killing me.  I go through bursts of anger and saddness, then hope and love for him...I say hope because there is still a small part of me that says he still loves you and will come back to you.  My friends and family are angry at him, they say he will regret it one day and that hurts me like hell.  Im not a perfect wife, but I do not know what else to do for him.  I want my family back together again!  At times Im angry because I cannot believe that he is hurting me and my sons for his own selfish reasons...I know I need to be strong for my sons.

I believe in God, but I also believe in Shamanism.  My mom took me to see a Shaman about my situation and I was told...you and him are meant to be, there is gonna be a time in your life where you two will be apart for awhile, but you guys will always come back to each other, after that time apart your marriage will be stronger and better...that is why i have this small hope.  Maybe Im stupid for hoping and I need to just get over him. 
ky28 ky28 26-30, F 5 Responses Sep 28, 2010

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OK, Im over him, but he wants me back...WTF??? Ive noticed that when he is around everything is out of control, but when he is out of my life I have stability. He is using the "dont break up our family" excuse...was he not the one who cheated? I dont get it!!!

KY, I'm glad the longing is beginning to subside. It takes time, but eventually you will find that you can indeed live without him. The hard part is learning to live with the breakup of your family, but you will get used to that too. You are still very young and have the best part of your life ahead of you.

Im starting not to miss him so much now. I also finished reading The Gift of Change( I think its the correct name) by Marianne WIlliamson...its been helping a lot. The little times that Ive seen him there is no anger or saddness for me just saddness for my sons, but they deserve so much better then him so...anyways peace is what I am looking for right now and I know eventually I will get there. Thanks.

I'm sorry ky28. From what you say...he is really confusing me! Seems like you are getting a lot of mixed messages. He says he loves you, he loved you, he still is in love with you...? That doesn't make any since to me AT ALL! I have to wonder if he is playing some kind of mind games with you. If he does not want to be with you anymore then he should not be telling you things like that. You will never be able to get over the relationship of "being with him" if he is gonna RIDE THE FENCE; if you will. <br />
You need to start getting MAD girl! Tell yourself..."I am worthy!" Don't let him keep you feeling like a puddle day in day out. Right now he is holding all the power because you have released it all to him and he knows it. He is gonna use this to his advantage. <br />
You can do it. Tell yourself that everyday. And believe it!<br />
Don't wait around for the past to come back like a ghost and present itself to you. I know a couple who got a divorce and then they got back together and she proposed to him. They got remarried. Then they had 2 more kids for a total of 3. Then they got divorced again. Married twice to the same person and divorced twice to the same person! Once is bad enough why go through it again like these two did. All they accomplished was bringing 2 more children into this world that will not have a whole family.<br />
People don't change and so for all the reasons your marriage fell apart in the first place, will be the same reasons why it could never work again. That's the sad reality of it all and it does suck; but that's human nature. <br />
I wish you all the best. You will recover from this. Tell yourself "I am a strong woman" and mean it and believe it. Good luck to you.

I can related. It is so hard when you still love them. Try to stay strong for you and your kids.