I Feel Dead Inside..................

This is a long sad story about a short amazing relationship - I miss him so much..... there will NEVER be another love in my life like this one.......... I mixed part of my daily blog in because the memories are so painfully confused right now.......... but, I had to write this..... I loved him with all my heart and soul.... and now he's gone

We knew each other for 3 years. We fished the same lake, competed for the same prize. Stood on the same shore, bullshited with the same people........ we were friends first. We would cheer each other on when one of us caught a fish and I learned so much from him. He had fished the world and knew all the tricks. 10 and 2, check your drag - don't point your rod at the fish. Even though I knew these things, hearing him say it would make me smile.

He was very tall and very handsome, even at 74. So young at heart and in mind. In good physical shape and very active. He was also married, as am I. We would talk for hours and hours about fishing and the things he had accomplished in his fascinating life. We'd talk about our kids, our spouses, things we were doing to our homes...... how the car needed an oil change.
One day the conversations changed, he would look at me so intensely....... deeply...... in to my soul. It was as if somehow our friendship became so much more than either one of us could even comprehend. When I looked up at him I could see the passion, see him looking inside of me - in to my heart and soul.

One day as I was walking over to check my bait I tripped over a rock. I heard him say "oh, oh - watch out - this girl is falling for me". I looked back and smiled as if to say - omg - yes I am. He had an evil side, a bad *** to the core as well as the most amazing man I had ever met. Falling wasn't the word for it. After all this time together, I was in love with him. As intuitive as he was - I think he knew that even before the words were spoken aloud.

Each day we would meet at the shore. Mostly to talk and laugh and cry and talk some more. We had so much in common even though there was a 21 year age difference. His main career took place in LA - I had lived so close to him for so many years. I think we may have crossed paths a million times.

A few days before Valentines day he gave me a pendant with a little picture of one of his dogs, he also gave me a silver plaque that said Macho Mutt from the other dog - he made sure to point out the heart on the Macho Mutt plaque - he said "see this one - it has a heart on it"...... I looked up in to his piercing blue eyes and could tell there was more to it than the dogs giving me love on Valentines Day. These two things hang from my car's rear view mirror - they are my most treasured memories.

A few days later, he had to leave for a week - had a job down south. He asked me for my phone number and called me every day.... sometimes he would call 4 or 5 times a day...... we would talk for hours. About what???? who knows, he had a gift of speech and would tell me stories of all his exciting adventures in the field, his personal family life - fishing...... so many things he had done. I was fishing when he returned home. He was so handsome in his sportscoat and slacks - not the usual fishing garb (which I found extremely sexy too). He was packing due to his job....... when he got out he grabbed me and hugged me close telling me how much he missed seeing me over the last week. I missed him too - even though we talked many times every day. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a little pin. As he reached out for my jacket he was looking deeply in my eyes, I thought I was going to faint. He placed the pin on my jacket, stood back and smiled his evil sexy smile. oh, yes....... I was definitely falling in love

The next day he rolled up to fish, jumped out of his car, reached in the back and took out a little golden bunny. Sweets for the sweet he said. I reached out and held the gift with a shy smile on my face. The longing for his touch grows stronger each time we meet. He told me the rumors are starting. It's a small town he said. But, when he said this he reached out and brushed the hair from my face. I gazed in to his blue eyes and saw the longing he feels to hold me.I still have it, it sits like a trophy where I can see it before I fall asleep each miserable night. We stood on the shore under the stars with the breeze blowing my long blond hair gently enough for him to reach out and brush it away as he gazed deep in to my eyes. More talk and plenty of laughter. His touch becoming more familiar as the evening slowly faded in to a spectacular panorama of stars, the waves gently rolling on the shore. Our mutual friends had left - we were alone again. The tension and longing so painfully obvious between us.

At this point I am going to just insert sections of the blog I wrote while our relationship built - altering it to protect his identity in case his family finds this story - they need not know about us now..........

decided to stay over night at the lake so we didn't have to drive an hour back n forth for 2 days. It was a great decision. My handsome blue eyed good luck charm wandered down to the shore and stayed with me for hours. We talked and laughed and cried. I learned so much about this amazing man this weekend. He's a Vietnam vet, has PTSD, has the heart of a lover and the mind of a warrior. He is a hero in my eyes and so handsome. I told him why my husband and I don't do anything together (he had a heart attack in 2008, died on the way to the hospital, they revived him and he hasn't been the same since. Where he was once in love with life and a pleasure to be with - he is now withdrawn and emotionally abusive...... I do him no favors by allowing him to abuse me). Anyway, my handsome blue eyed good luck charm turned to me and said "Don't let it get you down sweetheart, you are so beautiful and have such an amazing personality......". My heart was in my throat. We stood there for hours until he had to leave. Then the wind kicked up and my fishin buddy and I left too. As we headed back to our room at the lodge, I thought about this amazing man and the song behind blue eyes wandered through my head.

Two hours later I began to pace, I needed out of the room and went back to the shore to fish some more, the wind was gone. I didn't see my fishing friend until later. He came in to the lodge and found me, said "I knew you girls would be here". I had shed my fishing garb and had a soft grey sweater, lacy peach colored camisole and tight grey jeans on. He couldn't take his blue eyes off of me. I haven't had alcohol in 30 years (kinda allergic) but, tonight I was drinking shots of something called hot dam - tasted like red hots.... with a definite kick. Six shots later I was feeling light headed, lol. I am usually very reserved but, tonight I was really silly. It's a small town..... people were watching us.... I know they could tell how much I want this man.

My fishing buddy is a card, man - she was dropping all sorts of hints to him what our room was - she had me turning bright red... even my ears were red. This is the wrong place to say these things I kept saying. He is different when we are at the shore than he is at the lodge (every one in town knows him.... he's famous there, lol). She did get the room number across to him though. After a few more introductions and conversation we - all three - walked out with his arms around us both.

It was my intention to be with him but, I wanted my fishin buddy there so that no red hot rumors would be started (I think they are already going hot and heavy now though). As we walked out he asked where the room was - all the way at the end I said. He said - oh I cant walk that far and got in his car. We walked to the room and as we were going up the ramp to our room my fishing buddy says OMG - thats his car.... I looked and he had walked in to the store next to the rooms. About 5 min later she says - OMG he's coming to the room and then he walked in with a bottle of what we had been taking shots of.

he makes my heart melt just looking at him, talking to him..... and now - here we were sitting in the hotel room together - how taboo - he is married - I am married....... we talked, took a couple of shots. He asked me when I was going to be at the shore and I told him sunup - 6am. My fishing buddy had booked it using the "I need to find something in my car...." as an excuse. As we stood up he turned to me and said "Come here sweetheart" and gave me the most amazing hug and kiss I've ever experienced. I'll catch ya later (we all fish - this means more than it does to the average person) sweetheart.

My fishin buddy came back in and we giggled like school girls til the wee hours

My alarm went off at 5:30 and I was at the shore at 6..... I looked up a few minutes later and there he was, pulling in front of my car (cutting me off from the rest of the shore as if to say - this ones MINE boys). Again, my heart was in my throat. He stayed with me for hours and hours and hours. We talked and laughed and cried and laughed and fished....... There were more physical interludes....... then my fishin buddy finally showed up (around noon). Soon after, he looks at me and says - you MUST need to hit the head m'dear - you've been out here all morning. The power of suggestion!!! So I drove down the street for a pit stop.

Meanwhile, he wanders over to where my fishing buddy is and apparently she told him exactly how I feel about him (thanks partner :). When I got back, he was so different..... his piercing blue eyes staring straight in to mine...... I can still feel his hand on my *** (he had already told me he was an ***-man, lmao), feel his arm around my shoulder and feel his warm lips on my skin.

I'm going back tomorrow....... and the next day...... and the next. I'm really falling for this man - its such a strange feeling..... we've known each other for years but, it's always been "hey, hows it going - ya fishing or ya catchin?" never anything more or less....... I want him so bad and yet - its not a sexual want..... it's a hunger for HIM as a whole person.....

I guess when you're 52 going on 53 and he's 74 - it's a different kind of desire...... I've never had this experience before.............. hanging on every word. Crying when he goes in to his PTSD recollection of the war, empathy for the 50 years of hell he has had in his head from that horrible war............ day and night terrors remembering the horrors............

I am falling

The next day - When I pulled up to the shore he was there waiting for me, no one else was there. I jumped out just as he walked up to my door and he pulled me close and hugged me. He looked down in to my eyes and said "now I'm with the women I love, except one is getting jealous" he was referring to his pup who was snorting through the car window.
I threw in my lines and due to the gail force winds, lol - we climbed in to his car for shelter. We talked and talked and talked. I love listening to his voice, his laugh is so wild and carefree. How on God's green earth can this youthful man be chronologically 74??? honestly - it's impossible......
we sat there on the shore, just he and I for hours. Finally, after it was so dark neither of us could see our lines he said "I haveta roll sweetheart". So we got out of the car, packed up all our gear. I turned off the interior light of my car and turned around. He took both hands and grabbed me, pulling me against him and started kissing me passionately. Due to the steepness of the shore, he spun me around and had me up against my car, kissing me passionately. When it was time to leave I almost fainted I was so light headed, like a school girl in love for the first time. He smiled and said "are you all right, sweetheart?"....... I didn't want to leave but, we both had responsibilities at home we had to get to.

the next day -
Lake was blown out. No fishin today. He called me early this morning to tell me he couldn't sleep last night, neither could I :) He also said that he wasn't a one night stand kinda man. omg - so happy to know that. I know he was thinking about last night as much as I was. He wants to go away so we can be together.... alone.... away from our mutual fishing folk. He said that he liked how physical I am, he's so strong and masculine, I've never met anyone like him. . So strong and so sensual. It's been over 24 hours and I am still weak in the knees, had an anxiety attack at work - couldn't breath..... can't think straight...... cant sleep. What is this hold this man has over me?????? Remembering his body against mine, his strong arms around me and his lips on mine..... his tongue buried deep in my mouth........... I want him so bad.
I'm going to the lake tomorrow - I get off at 2pm and I'll book it straight there. He told me one of the other guys was there today bad mouthin me and my fishin buddy. My man said he's gonna be packin tomorrow...... he's such a bad *** - he turns me on to no end.............
When I get in these moods........ the music plays all the time.... loud loud

the next day -
I got off at 2pm and booked it to the lake. It was cold, windy and snowing here in town but, the lake...... it was so beautiful, still windy and cold but I knew he was going to join me soon. I set up my rods and threw out the first line. Five minutes later I had a nice little rainbow..... as I was setting him on the stringer my man pulls up cheering me on :)
He gets out of his car and comes straight up to me and pulls me close, kissing me long and hard. It was still daylight and half the town drives by on the highway, we could be seen meeting like this at any moment and yet he no longer seems to care (or maybe he never did care what the clucking hens all say). We had all four poles in the water and decided it was warmer in the car. As we sat there and talked, he reached over and held my hand. His hands are so big and warm. He looked so big in my little car. At one point he took my hand and placed it on his thigh.... my heart was racing and I was dizzy from the feel of his strong hands on mine.
Time passed too fast tonight. We caught 3 fish and packed up our gear. It was dark and he grabbed me and pulled me close, his tongue deep in my mouth, his strong hands exploring every inch of my body. He took my hand and put my fingers in his mouth, sucking them gently. I thought I was going to explode from his touch. All I could do was hold on as he touched me and kissed me, never have I been with a man like this. He told me he has no inhibitions............
At one point he turned away and I tried to take a step and almost fell, he makes me weak in the knees, He pulled me close and in a cops move pushed me up against the car, pressing his body fully against mine. Looking down at me he kissed me again, long and hard

3 days later -
I got to the shore at 5 am. You rolled up around 7. The second I see your car coming down the hill I start having Problems breathing. Have I told you that you take my breath away?? You tell me i have A face like an angel and a beautiful body while my husband makes me feel old and hideous. Why do you see me so differently. So many stolen kisses today but after our one friend left you were so open about the passion we have between us. I made a decision today though, I don't want our first time Together to be a quickie. I want to wake up in your arms. To be with you the whole night Through. You're more to me than a casual ****. You're amazing. I could have a casual **** anywhere and anytime. In fact when you left yesterday. The guys on either side of me were like male dogs on a ***** in heat. I only have eyes for you. No one measures up. At one point as I was sitting in my chair you knelt down in front of me. Omg you're so sensual. I thought I'd loose my mind. And you're So thoughtful. Bringing me coffee loaded with vanilla creamer .... So perfectly mixed... And hot... Like you. Then again later. You brought me a piece of fried chicken and a pepsi.... I want to be with you but I want to be WITH you forever

2 days later -
I couldn't even sleep sat night. I was up at 2 am thinking about you. I finally said **** it and headed to the lake at 3:30. Lol. Took my time driVing with saliva blasting. Got to The lake at 4:30 and just sat in my car watching the stars and thinking about you - I felt safe knowing you were just a few minutes away. At 5:30 the fish started jumping. Like music to my ears. So I threw my lines in. You rolled up at 7. With coffee and the girls. Better watch out cuz I'm falling for you... Hook - line - and sinker. When u touch me.. You touch my heart and soul. Tonight u asked me if it bothered me that u were all over me when other people were around. I honestly didn't notice. When I look in to your blue eyes I loose myself..... I see something in you that ive never had before. After you left, the guy with the raft came back in. G was there along with his gf and 2 dogs. Things started out friendly enough but then one of the dogs peed all over the boat and then went up to the car and did the same. The boat guy kicked at the dog and g and his gf came unglued. I got scared and called you. I didn't know if G was capable of violence or if he's just all mouth. You came by about 15 min later and you were packing. My protector, my hero.... You told Me that as long as were together Noone will get away with hurting me. I am yours and you will protect me. That meant more to me than anything I've heard in decades. You had your black revolver in your hand and took the bullets out of the chamber. You looked deep in to my eyes and told me how it worked and then you told me to hold it. How much I must Mean to you for you to trust me enough to hold this particular gun. It means a lifetime to you, I could see that in your eyes.....

the next day -
I tried not to head to the lake, the snow was coming down and it was cold making for dangerous driving..... but I had to be there. Even if I don't know if you'll be there, just being at the lake makes me feel close to you - your presence can be felt every where. I changed out of my work clothes and just as I was lacing up my boots, I looked up and there you were, coming down to the shore. It was snowing wildly by then and I was exilerated by the weather. Of course, seeing you sent chills down my spine.
You rolled up and motioned for me to get in the passenger seat of your car. I climbed in and we talked for a while, then you held my hand, rubbed my inner thigh...... you cause every nerve ending to stand on end........ We talked and laughed - making plans for Friday when I have a day off....... I'm going to book 2 nights at the hotel....... will ask you first as going to that hotel will cause an issue when you're as well known as YOU are :)

The next day - 2 days before hell descended on earth
you didn't call this morning and I was sad. I missed you deeply. I left a quick msg saying I would be at the lake for the 3 o'clock bite as I got off work at 2. Around 1:15 you called and I ran to the break room to answer. You were at the shore looking for me as I look for you. One of our mutual fishing friends wandered over to talk to you and you said "I have to roll sweetheart, J's coming over - I love you" and then you were gone before I could even register what you had said.
I love you
Did you mean it????? were you just distracted and forgot who you were talking to???? omg - the feelings I have for you are so strong and I've often thought - omg - Im falling in love - I love this man.... I've known you for 3 years now but, only in the last month or so have we gotten to actually KNOW each other
I rushed out of work and flew to the lake. Threw in my lines and sat with my music up full blast searching for you. It seemed like hours (was only about 45 min) and then I saw you coming down to the shore :) my heart was racing knowing I would be in your arms soon, feeling so safe and warm and loved. You wrestled the girls out of the Jeep and handed me a turkey and provolone sammich with a ginger ale :) You seem to know exactly what I like without me even saying anything... how on earth do you do that???? You are so kind, gentle and sweet and yet so damn evil :)
After a bit you wrestled the girls back in to the car and motioned for me to get in. As I slid in the passenger seat, you grabbed my hand, putting my fingers in your mouth and sucking on them. You're so sensual and you turn me on with every touch. We talked and laughed. d sat on my lap (which is kinda awkward when its a pit bull!! roflmao) and licked my face - always wanting to be the center of attraction. You said something about the girls sleeping with you last night and I looked at you and said "lucky dogs", lol.
Yesterday I believe I had waved my hands in some sort of confused gesture and said - I just don't understand all of this - meaning how could I at almost 53 years of age find someone that I share so much with who is so much older than I - I said nothing but, tonight you mentioned that and just somehow knew what I had meant.
we have so much in common - the obsessive love of fishing............. and touching............ and loving someone
and on the other side of the coin.............
we have two separate lives that we know we must serve out because we both have integrity.
The obvious resolution would be to keep the coin in a state of perpetual motion until fate decides where it will land -
heads, we win
tails, we win
some day we will be together where I can lay my head in your lap, feel your strong arms around me and know that I am safe and loved and wanted like no other..............
This weekend will be another link in our bond, I'm getting a room at the hotel Fri and Sat nights. A fishing layover. I'm anxious to be with you and scared shitless at the same time. Half the time I am in a fog and the other half I am so dizzy, I can't breath............ what is this hold you have on me? I've had chances before, even today - one of my regulars met me in the parking lot, he always flirts with me - good looking guy too but, I don't want him - I want you....... all of you and not just for today - - forever............. am I out of my mind???????? Feeling you next to me and listening to all that you have done in your life - omg, I'm not worthy........ you're a ******* hero and deserve all your wildest dreams and I am one of them..... omg............ who AM I??? no one and you want me......... me :D
You said you have a gig coming up in the Bay area and you want me with you. I'm there baby......... if we're far away, we can be together openly.... cuz I'm proud to be with you - I just don't want anyone to know so that you save face (I know **** EM ALL.... lmao), I don't want your wife to know, I don't want to hurt anyone but I love you, I want you, I can't live without you........................
Saliva - over and over and over...............
lol - I love the way you refer to some people as dog - yeah I know dog...... lmao - you've got la written all over that one but, man it sounds kewl coming from you. I don't think you understand how I see you - I don't see a 74 year old man..... I just don't see it and it took me this long to find you??? I don't want to waste time............ You're younger than most people I've ever met - you have the perfect personality and I love it. You asked me if there was anything I wanted you to change about your demeanor.... are you kidding me?????? You are everything I have ever wanted in a man - unique, sure of himself, strong in heart and mind and so sensual....... my heart is racing just thinking of you.....
I wish I wouldn't get so tongue tied, I wish I could just say to you what I feel for you............ maybe I just will....... you don't have a problem telling me what you like, what you want or how you feel - so open..... communicative :D Then again........ you seem to already know a lot more about me then I've ever said............
Can't wait for tomorrow..............
and the next day....................................
and the next day.....................................................

The last day we ever spent together -
We spent Thursday night together. It was Amazing to lie next to you. And now you're gone
I got to The shore at 6 - you rolled up around 7.... You told me you loved me and I told you I loved you too. We kissed passionately for hours. You were drinking which is nothing unusual Your car was parked facing the lake, the same way you parked for the last 3 years. Isn't this just the most beautiful place you've ever seen?? You said. You looked at me passionately and said you belong to me and I said yes I do. With All my heart and soul - I love you You kept turning on the car and I kept telling u to turn it off. The more you drank the more aggressive you got. Grabbing my hair and biting my lips and you told me we would be together forever. You said baby I would die for you, I love you.... Around 3:30 I stepped away from the drivers window of your carĀ  to check my bait or look at my poles and in a flash you had started the car and threw it in gear. It rolled forward in to the lake... I couldn't stop it. I couldn't get to you. I can't swim Omg - why?? I love you and now you're gone... We were going to be together forever and all I have now is the nightmare of your car drifting and sinking in to the lake with your pups beautiful face looking at me from the back window Omg . I love you so ******* much and you're gone

The day after the love of my life left this world, I found out what the little golden pin was. It was something he wore on his uniform for the better half of 32 years. It was the one thing he had that meant the most to him that he could give to me. I wear it proudly. Even though the rumor mongers see me and whisper - that's her..... that's the one he was having an affair with........ Didn't care then - don't care now. He is my hero, my lover, my angel.............
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2 Responses Mar 31, 2012

My dear friend,my heart aches and i cant stop crying,reading your story.I now knows how much you missed him and how painful it hurts. Take care my dear.

What a beautiful love story. It touched me to the core. He sounds like he was an amazing man. I am so very sorry he passed away.