I Think It Had To Be Done, But I Wish I Never Did.

Today I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and four months. I am still contemplating whether I should be happy or depressed; more likely I am depressed. We have had this same issue which has caused me to say the relationship is over, but I truely have had enough.
I'm not sure where to begin. The whole situation has a complex web of point of views, but it's fair to include everything.
We started dating around the end of February, beginning of March of last year. We were juniors then, and had known each other from the previous year. I knew him well enough that I recognized his shyness, introverted thinking, and constant sarcasm. His way of showing affection towards me was expressed through jabs at each other and surprise tackles. All in all, his maturity level was lacking but we enjoyed each other. Our friendship grew and bloomed into a close relationship. The summer of last year allowed us to let go of the world around us and delve into our own combined realities. My father says "You either see the whole forest or just one tree." Well, last summer all we saw was each other. We had no reason to see anything else. I knew things were going to change when our senior year started, and indeed they did.
I remember feeling left out of his activities because I was homeschooled while he went to public school. I tried not to be bothered by it because he had a significant greater load of school work than I did. We were still able to do things together but only on the weekends as his mother did not like the idea of him hanging out during the school week. I immediately knew then he was severely lacking in the maturity scale. The lack of any driver's license rang a few bells, along with his father still making his lunch for school, too. But I still loved him even with his lack of mobility.
Eventually, however, I became distressed. I felt the relationship was becoming one sided on my part as I wanted to see him more. He said he would love to see me more as well, but his excuses fell back on his mother's orders. I felt if he really wanted to see me he would simply stand up to his mother, but at the time I didn't know how much of an impact she would have on our relationship. I was beginning to see how much he obeyed her.
I wonder now if I should have ended the relationship, then. I loved him, but I was hurting every time he made a decision that initially followed mommy's orders which were of course not in my best interest. I felt selfish and demanding. I knew he should not have to choose between me and his family. I thought initially that I got along with his family, but as the winter grew colder so did his mother. She began to make comments to him that made me wonder if she felt her son was mingling with the wrong girl. She warned him that he would not be able to see me as much when school started after winter break.
Her brewing over her son quickly evolved into a rolling boil. She was ready to take any kind of excuse to ground him, to keep us seperated. At the time, I did not know why she was determined to push her son away from me, I only had ideas that were not confirmed.
Of course, being the adolescent child that he is, my ex decides to go out and egg cars in the neighborhood which triggers a tyranny by his mother. She decides to punish her son by not letting him see me for four months, until he graduates. I felt insulted and banished. I understood he needed to be punished but her decision on the punishment felt personal towards me. To make a long story short, she eventually kicked him out of the house because he would not get off of the phone with me when told to.
During the whole tirade, I was caught up with so many emotions. I felt betrayed by him because he knew if he made one slip his mother would use me against him. I was once more slapped in the face by his immaturity, and his mother's hatred for me. I finally knew she loathed me and felt I was a bad influence even though I had nothing to do with his prank- which had been occurring since school started. I did not know what to do. I was ripped open and made the escape goat for her son's "problem." Once more, I had no idea he had been egging cars, and was lied to by him.
I am not sure how, but we comforted each other. After his exile from the house, he lived with his grandmother (his mother's mother), and we were able to see each other again. I could tell his grandmother did not like me however polite she was towards me. It turns out his mother told her whole side of the family that I was a bad influence to her son. I am not sure the exacts words, but I believe I am pictured as an unholey *****. I was looking to my ex to stand up for himself if not me.
I realize my hopes for him to make his own decisions would take a long time to fulfill. Even now he still has not completely deterred away from making his own decisions for himself. He does not take me around his family. Even when I am with him at his grandmother's, the atmosphere is awkward. She has apologized to me for judging me without knowing me, but I cannot bring myself to forget how much the whole family dislikes me. I wish he had the power to restore my reputation. I wish he knew how to defend himself. I wish he could take me places for once instead of me taking him places. We never hang out at his grandmother's house and we frequently stay at my place. The whole situation is unbalanced and I could not stand taking it anymore. I feel he is trying to make everyone happy, but in his efforts to keep his family happy, I am left to suffer until he returns his attention to me.
I hate my position in this situation. I feel like a needy child, and never getting what I want. I do not like relying on other people for anything. Love is a complete thirst for another, absolute insanity. Maybe it was lust or infatuation, but I know I love him. I know I love him enough to let him go. I know that without me he can grow up without ultimatums, and without the pressure of his urge to make me happy. I never wanted him to choose between his family and me.
Prepbeater Prepbeater
Aug 1, 2010